Defensiveness keeps us disconnected from each other. We all get defensive. It’s just a human thing. It prevents us from being present in what is happening, and what another person is experiencing. It’s something we use as protection, because it’s hard to hear feedback sometimes.
If we are defensive, we cannot connect. Whether it’s in a marriage, a friendship, or parenting, or any other kind of relationship, you’re always going to get feedback, and it can be uncomfortable.
We’re not always going to agree with someone else’s perspective but being defensive can actually do long term damage to relationships.
In order to connect, we must be open, which is vulnerable, and for some, scary, but the benefit of letting go of defensiveness is that we can be intentional in our relationships, and learn to digest feedback in a more functional way.
Here are some tools that you can put in your toolbox when you feel defensive.

Difficult topics are multiple conversations. Instead of thinking you can solve everything in one conversation, recognize that it may take more than one conversation. Wouldn’t you rather have many shorter more emotionally regulated conversations than one knockdown, drag out? Not every conversation has to end in a solution. Ask for a break if you need one

Breathe. Keep your system calm. Being able to regulate yourself is key in not getting defensive.

Focus on content, not delivery. For now. The delivery is a project for another time. We can get so wrapped up in like, “how can you talk to me like that?” or “how dare you treat me this way!” when underneath it all is vulnerability and a desire to connect better. So be open to hearing the feedback over the delivery.

Be open to hearing the feedback without denying, justifying or blaming. It is not a competition. Ask some open-ended questions.


We all really want to be connected, so it’s important to focus on the overarching purpose of the conversation, and be willing to come back to it again, because it’s not one conversation. So many times we can listen to or read some mental health tips and think about how those apply to people in our lives, but I would encourage all of us to just look inward as well.
Look inward and continue to do your own work.
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Rebecca Hunter, MSW is a private practice therapist in small town Oregon with a big passion for helping you find peace in the chaos of life.
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