Best Joke Book: Volume One

By Paul D Kennedy

Best Joke Book contains hundreds of fantastically funny jokes, plain and ribald ... culled from a joke-bank that has taken half a lifetime to assemble. Most of the jokes are a quarter to half a page long. They are interleaved with a wide selection of shorter jokes and one-liners ... such as 'Employers can avoid hiring unlucky people by tossing half the CVs they get into the bin' and 'Bisexuality is the way to go – it doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night' ... ideal attention grabbers in a pub or at a late night get-together. A word of caution, however: some of these jokes are extremely funny and you could be knocked out just by reading them ... remember, though, if you wake up breathing, you’ll have been given another chance.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Paul D Kennedy
• Release date: Nov 12, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466128156

Paul D Kennedy

Paul D Kennedy was born in Ireland and educated at Trinity College, Dublin. As a business consultant and writer he has enjoyed a varied career in the UK and the Far East, and especially in the Arabian Peninsula where he was based in Kuwait for nearly 20 years. Indeed he was the liaison officer for the Irish community in that country during the Iraqi invasion and occupation in 1990. After the war he established a career in Kuwait as a radio presenter, business consultant, writer of books and articles, and a publisher of guide books and consumer magazines. He is currently living in County Dublin, Ireland, where he runs an international management consulting and editorial business.

Book preview

Best Joke Book

Volume One

Paul D Kennedy

Smashwords edition

Copyright 2011 Paul D Kennedy

Smashwords edition, licence notes

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I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love it when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ... I’m going to have that.

_____

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But since the doctors are now all Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best.

_____

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas and a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man was sitting on the pavement.

I haven’t eaten for two days, he said.

That’s fantastic, I told him, I wish I had your will power.

_____

A man and his wife are awoken in the middle of the night by a knock on the door. The man gets up to find a stranger on his doorstep. The stranger asks him for a push.

Not a chance says the husband. It's three o'clock in the morning!

He closes the door and goes back to bed.

Who was it? asks his wife.

Just a stranger asking for a push he answers.

Did you help him? she asks.

No I didn't. It's three in the morning

Well, you've got a short memory says his wife. Can't you remember when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.

The man goes back to the front-door and calls out into the dark.

Hello. Are you still there?

Yes, comes the answer.

Do you still want a push? calls out the husband.

Yes, please! comes the reply from the dark.

Where are you? asks the husband. I can’t see you in the dark.

Over here on the swing the man replies.

_____

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.

When I came out, he looked at me and said Any change?

Nope, I said, you’re still black.

_____

Former President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader who smiled and suggested that Clinton participate in 'African Roulette', their national game which is related to 'Russian Roulette'.

President Clinton frowned. Russian Roulette is not a friendly game.

The African leader smiled again. That's why we developed African Roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how.

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. You can choose any one of those women to give you a blow job, he told Clinton.

This gained Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. How on earth is this related to Russian roulette? he asked.

The African leader responded, One of them is a cannibal.

_____

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.

_____

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

_____

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said: That's a good idea ... you stand beside the ironing board and I’ll sit on the sofa and fart.

_____

A young couple were killed in an automobile accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they approached St Peter. My fiancé and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?

St Peter replied, I'll tell you what – after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again.

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St Peter again, and he told them, I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer.

Another five years passed, when St Peter excitedly approached the couple. Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience.

The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, they realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St Peter, they asked if there was such a thing as divorce in heaven.

St Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, Look, it took us ten years to find a priest up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

_____

A couple were driving down a country road after a row.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, Relatives of yours?

Yep, the wife replied, in-laws.

_____

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Listen, he says to the bartender, If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?

We'll see, says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

Impressive, says the bartender, but I'll need to see more.

Hold on, says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings Old Man River.

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts That's absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for that frog.

Sold, says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

It's none of my business, says the bartender, but you just gave away a fortune.

Not really, says the guy, The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

_____

First guy says, My wife's an angel!

Second guy remarks, You're lucky. Mine's still alive.

_____

Two boys, ages 8 and 10, were incurably mischievous. Their mother heard that the new preacher had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked him if he would speak with her boys. He agreed to see them individually on separate days.

The mother sent the 8 year old first. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, Do you know where God is, son?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God?!

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, Where is God?!

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him, he asked, What happened?

The younger brother replied, We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!

_____

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

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A man