A Treasure Chest of Humor

By Andy Semotiuk

This book contains the best jokes for all ages collected in the course of a career by Andy J. Semotiuk. who learned comedy from Larry Wilde, a stand-up comedian The New York Times called America's best-selling humorist. Andy has performed  stand-up comedy at the Ice Palace Annex in Pasadena and a few other comedy clubs in Los Angeles.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Andy Semotiuk
• Release date: Oct 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386610861

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A Treasure Chest of Humor

By Andy J. Semotiuk

Copyright 2018 by Andy Semotiuk.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the uthor, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.

ISBN:

Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to the memory of Volodymyr Skoryk who lived in Lviv, Ukraine and who, under Soviet rule, spent seven years exiled to Siberia for publishing a critical pamphlet about the regime. Volodymyr, who was my cousin, was a decent, honorable and beautiful human being with a wonderful sense of humor. Later in his life and following his exile, Volodymyr began sending me a joke by email every day. Many of his jokes are included in this collection. Volodymyr followed this practice until the last day of his life, and even that morning, sent me his last joke. God rest his soul and may his memory be eternal.

Joke Chest 1

A man reads an ad in a newspaper that the says, Actor wanted. $ 100 per day. He thinks that’s a pretty good deal, so he calls the number. They tell him to come right over. It turns out to be the local zoo. Needing a star attraction for the summer and being cash-strapped, they persuade him to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be a great ape. The ruse works well, as the man performs the role with great enthusiasm, waving to children in the crowd—until he falls backwards from the gorilla swing into the lion’s cage next door. He yells, Help! Help! The lion runs over and says, Shut up, or we’ll both get fired!

When I was young, my father told me that if I ever got caught in a snowstorm and saw a snow plow on the road, I should drive behind the snowplow and it would lead me to safety. One snowy night, I was driving and the wind began blowing snow across the roads. You could barely see what was going on. It was getting dark but just then I saw a snow plow pulling out onto the road. Remembering my father’s advice, I followed the snowplow. After awhile, it stopped. The driver got out, came over to my car and knocked on my window. I opened the window and the driver said, What are you doing?

I’m following your snow plow to safety, I replied. He said, Well, okay. But we’ve finished Walmart and now we’re going to do the Toyota parking lot.

Jan Kowalski, a Polish immigrant, goes to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. For the eye test, the DMV worker shows Kowalski a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z’ written on it.

Can you read this? the worker asks.

Read it? Kowalski replies, I know the guy!

Two friars open a flower shop. Soon, their business is booming. A florist across town sees a huge drop in sales. He asks the friars to close their shop, but they refuse. A month later, the florist begs the friars to close, because he’s having trouble feeding his family. When they refuse again, the florist hires Hugh McTaggert, the roughest thug in town to persuade them. Hugh threatens to beat the friars up and wreck their shop, so they close. This proves that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

After my recent very thorough prostate exam, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door she whispered the three words no man ever wants to hear. Who was that?

Okay, Jesus says. This time, it WILL be just like Tiger Woods. He hits the ball and it lands in the lake. Moses parts the water and retrieves the ball. Third time is the charm, Jesus says. He hits the ball into the lake. Moses says, This time, get it yourself!

Jesus walks onto the water. A bystander says, Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?

No, Moses says. He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.

A young couple buys an abandoned farm. The fields are full of weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are broken. A preacher stops by to bless the couple’s work.

A few months later, the preacher stops by again. The farmhouse is rebuilt, cattle graze in well-fenced pens, and crops fill the fields. Trying to make a point, the preacher said, Look what God and you have accomplished! Yes, said the farmer’s wife, but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!

Maybe we should have changed our signs to say Bridge out."

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

Arne and Peter go ice fishing. They cut a hole in the ice and stick in their poles.

Suddenly, a loud voice booms, THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!

They look around, but don’t see anyone.

They find another spot and cut a hole.

Once again, the voice booms, THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!

They move again, but again the voice stops them.

They look around, bewildered. Peter calls out, God in Heaven, is that you?

The voice responds, NO! THIS IS THE SKATING RINK MANAGER! THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!

A blonde speeds at a hundred miles per hour past a policeman, who stops her.

Hey, are you crazy, driving so fast? Show me your driver’s license.

I won’t show it to you, because it’s fake. The policeman orders the woman out of the car.

I won’t get out, because my pockets are full of drugs.

The policeman orders her to open her trunk.

I won’t open it. I’ve had a dead body there for a week, and it smells terrible.

The policeman calls for backup. A captain arrives and starts his search. The woman’s documents are in order,