Vertical Lines: A Compilation of Sarcasm. Word Play, and Witticisms

By Crest Publications Group

An entertaining (and often sidesplitting) collection of wit, humor, and cleverness. Page after page of words of wisdom sharing space with wisecracks, puns, sarcasm, and famous quotations ensure that you will laugh and smile as the stresses of the day fade away. Vertical Lines is a treasure trove of intelligent word play, sometimes sardonic, some

• Language: English
• Publisher: Crest Publications Group
• Release date: Dec 18, 2020
• ISBN: 9781637523209

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2020 Crest Publications Group

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by any means, electronic, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

To Annabelle, my loving Aussiedoodle, without whom this compilation would have been completed two months earlier.

Crest Publications Group, Fort Worth, Texas

Vertical Lines

Note from the editor:

When I was a young boy, I noticed in MAD Magazine that the gutters separating the two pages often contained humorous phrases. One in particular stuck with me these many years -. If Tuesday Weld married Frederick March III, she’d be Tuesday, March the Third. I thought that was so funny that I laughed out loud, even though I was alone at the time. I also resolved right then that if I ever published a magazine, I was going to do that, too – put funny or meaningful lines in the gutters of many of the pages.

Fast forward 100 years (or so it feels like) and I do publish a magazine – the network – and I have been putting these short one-liners (sometimes there are actually two lines) in the gutters of the magazine’s pages for a decade. We call them Vertical Lines.

It’s fun to do and it has been fun for our readers as well. They come from anywhere and everywhere – words of wisdom, insults, funny quotes, word play – just fun and interesting stuff. It was actually one of our readers who (while submitting a few lines for us to use) suggested compiling them into a book – and Viola! (the immortal word of Kelly Bundy on the television sitcom Married With Children), here it is!

We hope you enjoy them! And if you do, go to www.crestnetwork.com and see new ones in every issue of the network. (There’s more humor there, too.)

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A meeting is an event where minutes are kept, and hours are wasted.

There is no ‘I’ in ‘team’, but there are four in ‘platitude quoting idiot.’

Daffynition: Urine – the opposite of ‘you’re out.’

If stupidity was music, you’d be a band.

I’m terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Well, to be Frank, I’d have to change my name.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Jesus loves you. It's everybody else that thinks you're a(n).............!

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

Take life with a pinch of salt… a wedge of lime and a shot of tequila.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they’re sexy.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence. (William F. Buckley)

I picked up the ringing phone and said, Who’s speaking? The answer: You are.

I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could’ve gone to UCLA, but it’s one more letter she’d have to remember. (Shecky Greene)

When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

I hate this snow! No…wait…I love this snow! (Bi-polar bear)

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. (Honey, I’m home. What the …?)

Most boat owners name their boats. The most popular boat name: Obsession

Q: What word is it that when you take away the whole, you still have some left?  A: Wholesome

Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

One of the hardest things to learn in life is which bridges to burn and which ones to cross.

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis.’

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

Before the term bloopers was coined, ‘out-takes’ were called ‘boners’.

She loves nature, in spite of what it did to her.

You know you’re getting older when a $5 bottle of wine is ‘pretty good stuff.’

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. (H. L. Mencken)

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. So, get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

Cream rises to the top, but so does scum.

No matter what goes wrong, there’s always someone who knew it would.

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

I installed my DVR myself. Now I get movies on my electric can opener.

Good health is merely the slowest way you can die.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Daffynition: Nitrates – more expensive that day rates.

Q. What do you call Santa’s helpers? A. Subordinate Clauses.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

Marriage is more than two people turning out the lights and not going to sleep. (Edith Bunker)

Heck is where people go who don’t believe in Gosh.

Warning: dates on calendars are much closer than they appear.

Daffynition: Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.

It was 1815, and a grenade fell on the floor of a kitchen in France. It resulted in linoleum blown apart.

Remember, in the game of life, a 44 Magnum always beats 4 aces.

Misery doesn’t love company; nowadays, it insists upon it.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Go now, or forever hold your pee.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

Daffynition:  Circumvent - The opening in a pair of boxer shorts.

Daffynition: Oyster - a person who sprinkles her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Medical daffynition:  Artery – the study of fine paintings.

My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.

Q. What separates CBS’s 60 Minutes from every other TV show? A. It doesn’t have a theme song.

Life and beer are very similar – Chill for the best results.

Irony – the opposite of wrinkly.

My wife knows how to make a long story short. She interrupts.

My husband said he needed more space…so I locked him outside. (Roseanne Barr)

How about never? Is never good for you?

Taphophobia is the fear of being buried alive.

In Swedish, the word for ‘entrance’ is ‘infart’. The word for ‘driveway’ is ‘utfart’.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

Just because you’re offended doesn’t mean you’re right.

I danced like no-one was watching. My court date is pending.

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

I have a chicken proof lawn. It’s impeccable.

For chemists, alcohol is not a problem; it’s a solution.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Some bring happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to dis a brie?

I don’t do drugs anymore. I can get exactly the same feeling by standing up too fast.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Xerox and Wurlitzer plan to merge to manufacture reproductive organs.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

A bus is a vehicle that