Jeff's Greatest Sarcastic Tweets

By Jeffrey Weber

I was fortunate to get the chance to harvest my four years of tweets. Starting with over 41,000 tweets I whittled the total down to a little over 13,000. Then I started to put my tweets in categories and one that jumped off the page was sarcasm.

I realized I had written many great sarcastic tweets and that I had retweeted many classic sarcastic tweets. I felt the urgent desire (not being sarcastic!) to share the best of my sarcastic tweets with the world of book readers. I also threw in all the humorous tweets to give you a decent-sized book. Besides both sarcasm and humor make you laugh so they go together. Enough forward - on to the tweets!

Finally a book with many short sarcastic tweets. Whenever you have a little time you can open my book read a few tweets and put yourself in a good mood.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Jeffrey Weber
• Release date: Jul 10, 2013
• ISBN: 9780983730873

Jeffrey Weber

Bio - I was born in the Bronx. I had my first article published in Railroad Model Craftsman (model trains- published in Ramsey, NJ) in July, 1965 when I was 17. I have published my own newsletter for the last ten years. (http://www.jjjinvesting.com) A sample is available on my web site, which I designed. For over one year, I have published a weekly column for Talking Points newsletter entitled Contrarian Corner. I went to college at the University of Arizona and got a Bachelor's Degree in History & Government. Then law school for a year and a half & then to the University of Nevada, Las Vegas for a Bachelor's in Accounting. I worked for the US Army as an auditor and lived 17 years in Germany, Korea, Japan & Belgium. I have my own investing book called "I Guarantee You Will Buy Low Sell High and Make Money or Here Are the Customer's Yachts." And I continue to publish my monthly investing newsletter showing best investments for my book. I lead an interesting life so I decided to write my bio in the same way Mark Twain wrote his. Volume 1 of my Bio "My Only Crime Was Being Born" will be published soon.

Book preview

Jeff’s Greatest Sarcastic Tweets

By

Jeff Weber

Copyright © 2013 by Jeff Weber

Smashwords Edition

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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. Please do not participate in or encourage the piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

DEDICATION

To Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde and all the other great sarcastic writers who ever lived. To me the ability to be sarcastic requires a very high degree of intelligence.

Foreword

I was fortunate to get the chance to harvest my four years of tweets. Starting with over 41,000 tweets I whittled the total down to a little over 13,000. Then I started to put my tweets in categories and one that jumped off the page was sarcasm.

I realized I had written many great sarcastic tweets and that I had retweeted many classic sarcastic tweets. I felt the urgent desire (not being sarcastic!) to share the best of my sarcastic tweets with the world of book readers. I also threw in all the humerous tweets to give you a decent-sized book. Besides both sarcasm and humor make you laugh so they go together. Enough forward - on to the tweets!

Other Books I've Written

- My Only Crime Was Being Born (Autobiography) – Volume 1(Not Adult)

- My Only Crime Was being Born (Autobiography) – Volume 2 (Not Adult)

- My Only Crime Was being Born (Autobiography) – Volume 3(Not Adult)

- I Guarantee You Will Buy Low Sell High and Make Money (Investing)

- The Island of Wanted Submission (Adults Only)

You can find all five volumes of my autobiography on http://www.smashwords.com by searching Jeffrey Weber.

- Vol.1 of autobiography is free w/coupon code AG46W at checkout

- My investing book (Buy Low Sell High is free w/coupon code RK83X at checkout

- My Adults Only Island of Wanted Submission is free w/coupon code MT83L at checkout

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 – Jeff’s Best Sarcastic Tweets

Chapter 2 – Jeff’s Best Humerous Tweets

Introduction

I’ve been tweeting for more than 4 years and always thought I have written many great tweets that stood the test of time. Recently I got an email showing me how to get all the tweets I have written or posted since I started tweeting.

With my usual slow computer skills (hey I’m old) I finally figured out how to transfer the tweets from a zip file to Excel to Word. In Excel I looked at all 41,000+ tweets (hey I’m obsessive/compulsive with Asperger’s Syndrome) and organized them into categories – I got rid of a lot of chaff and kept the wheat.

This is the first book of the Best of Tweets from Jeff. This book contains my sarcastic tweets and other sarcastic tweets I retweeted. I have always adored sarcasm and think there is no better way to reply than with sarcasm. Enjoy all the sarcasm. And as a bonus you get all my humerous tweets too!

Chapter 1 – Jeffee’s Sarcastic Tweets

Did you know: Humans are the only animal apart from bulls that produce Bullshit!

I see the day when health insurance companies will do the same thing as airlines - start charging by the pound

I'm worried about global warming and global stupidity - Jeff Weber

Great idea for new reality show - celebrities audition to be judges in front of ordinary people

The early bird gets the worm...but the late worm doesn't get eaten

Texas lottery has serious inflation problems lots of their tickets are up hundred percent from what they used to be - from $1-$2

I love any tweet that drips with sarcasm

Bad war slogan: It's not how many times you fall but how many times you get up

Bad slogans...Leap before You Look

I'm feeling my lack of success could spread and eventually drag the whole planet down

Even though God could end the crap on this planet God doesn't which makes God look indifferent to pain suffering and makes for non-believers

I'm an unknown legend

Since the Dems are running a contest to meet Prez Obama, I'll run a contest for Pres Obama to meet Jeff - he has good chance - be only entry

Nobody tells the real truth about anything - they tell you their truth - big difference!

I think God loves us a lot more than the crummy lives He gives so many of us on Earth shows

The wages of sin will be reduced 20% if you get furloughed by the Feds

I'm tired of being a pawn in the game of life - I don't have to be the king or queen but I'd like at least to be a rook or knight!

Main reason God put other planets so far away is so earthlings couldn't get there and muck 'em up like we're doing to Earth

Doesn't it seem more & more places like school, work, religions have a zero-tolerance policy against fun, jokes, pranks? Dreary world!

When will intelligent life be discovered on Earth?

I know priests can't marry...yet but can Brothers have Sisters?

I'm waiting for my ship to come in - its name is The Titanic - anybody seen it?

Go super green; put a sail on top of your electric powered car

My train of thought has been derailed for years

No billionaires and very very few millionaires will be affected by the federal furloughs

War is definitely the easiest environment to kill a lot of civilians and just have to say you're sorry

All the bullshit on earth has to be contributing to global warming

This just in - billions of people do not buy one of my books - don't you be one of them - find them at cheap prices

I want the rest of my life comped

Due to inflation will Twitter expand the length of tweets to 150 charactors?

Hey #Twitter change the name from Direct Messages (DM) to MSM (Mostly Spam Messages)

Bluetooth is great - now you can talk to yourself without attracting stares

Good things don't happen that you pray for and bad things happen that you don't pray for - very confusing

Remember you never have to pray for bad things to happen - they will happen away

Adam and Eve make us grieve, they ate the fruit, and God gave them and us the boot

There's myth out there called the 'real world' - that's not true - all of life is a warped nighmare with patches of sunlight

How come people always talk about selling their soul to the devil but never talk about selling it to God? - God is prosperous. He can afford

The United States is a One Directioner - unfortunately that direction is down

I want to be successful at what I like so bad I'm willing to sell my soul...to God!

There's the Cross = God and there's the double cross = man - Jeff Weber

Is China going to furlough any government workers?

My Fed furlough saving has started - very few go-out lunches - it's sandwich time

Federal employees - start tweeting about things/food you are not buying because of upcoming furlough - let Congress know economic impact

If light travels in light years time does darkness travel in dark year’s time?

I think if liberals were forced to marry conservatives we would eventually get some intelligent voters; fanatics ain't doing the US any good

I love my wife with most of my heart - just saving a little of my heart to pump blood

Really hard to convince #Facebook I don't know anyubody from India - never been there

The best part of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Actually I'm a bit bit pro/con on God - many things I love but many things I hate - give me a chance and see if I bite the apple

My bio is called My Only Crime Was being Born - part of my life made into cartoon - I was played by Wily Coyote

Nature leaves me breathless - politicians, most people leave me breathfull - Jeff Weber

The trouble with life is that it doesn't come with a big eraser to get rid of the stuff/people who shouldn't be here - Jeff Weber

Celebrities exist to keep the huddled masses from thinking about their own problems too deeply - Jeff Weber

How about an elimination match between ex-angel Lucifer and archangel Gabriel?

Why is heaven sounding so much better than earth? - extend a few rays of heaven to earth

I will write the book and they will come is far from the truth

Why doesn't some super nerd build best computer game - gov passes laws and big biz uses lobbyists, loopholes, donations to evade the laws?

Unfortunately many people do their self reflection using a mirror instead of their brain

Time will be sequestered - after April 25 no Mondays for the next 6 months

I'm thinking of getting life bypass surgery and going into fantasy instead

The older I get the less sure I am about anything

Life is what you get - not what you want - Jeff Weber

If you're getting nowhere are you doing it slow or fast?

I always chase my dreams but unfortunately my dreams run a lot faster than I do - Jeff Weber

But wouldn't there be a lot less sinning if God never created the devil? - Jeff Weber

People follow me and then block me from following them back - no comprendo

Work was invented so you'd have to hang out with people you don't like doing stuff you don't like for people you don't like - Jeff Weber

Wouldn't it be great if good people had halos and bad people had horns so we'd know who to watch out for? - Jeff Weber

The solving of the gun control issue can only happen when we invent bullet-proof people - Jeff Weber

I guess I should be thankful for the people who hurt me - I wouldn't be the cynical, depressed person I am today without them - Jeff Weber

I work for the gov't - somedays 2 + 2 = 4, some days 2 = 2 =5 and some days 2 =2 = 3 or some other number - Jeff Weber

In effect thanks to inflation, the dollar has effectively replaced the penny - Jeff Weber

I'm thinking technically we were all dead before we were born and that death wasn't so bad - Jeff Weber

Print publication deals, movie deals for my bio are still available - but don't wait - hurry up with an offer - Jeff Weber

Growing old is the only way I know to avoid death - Jeff Weber

The shit to shinola ratio in my life is way out of whack - Jeff Weber

Basically God took away the Garden of Eden and gave us the Garden of Hell (Earth) - Jeff Weber

Sarcasm is one of many services I offer

Benefits of smokeless cigs is smokeless cancer - Jeff Weber

If Congress furloughs employees they will furlough our time and our morale - Jeff Weber

History is merely the continued recorded failure of humanity in many areas - history is never truly told; it would be XXX stuff like rapes, killings etc. - Jeff Weber

Plenty of verses in the Old Testament the devil loves with all the wars, killing, beheadings etc. - those verses aren't very Christian

All history proves is that humans never learn from their mistakes - we still have war, violence, poverty etc. from cave man to today man

Please - somebody tell me they are a successful #Indie #author - give me a ray of hope

God has to lower Himself to our level to talk with us - we certainly never rise to His level

All wars will end the day poverty ends - the 12th of never

Even though I pray hard, believe, have faith - my prayers haven't moved molehills let alone mountains

Life is hard and then you die - Newman (Catholic) Student Center U of Arizona - 1964 – graffetti

Ironically you get little of the good you pray for but plenty of the bad that you never prayed for!

The only certainty in life is that lots of things will happen that you didn't want to happen

I'm glad you can't take it with you - all I've gotten out of life is a bunch of crap that I certainly don't want to bring with me - Jeff Weber

I am guessing that heaven is the only place where the rich are treated the same as the poor - all poor people would be better off in heaven - Jeff Weber

Anybody remember asking God to give them illnesses - mental or physical -and all the ingredients for a crappy life before being born? - Jeff Weber

Clocks are a horrible invention by business to get you to do their bidding for far too long each day - Jeff Weber

Good thing God doesn't give you a peak at your future life on Earth - many would opt out when they saw what they had to look forward too - Jeff Weber

I've tried real life and it doesn't appeal to me - I need a fantasy life

Truth is God sends us many evil, wicked dangerous people and