The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, Part 1

By Eric Landa

Thank you for downloading this FREE ebook: “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 1. -From the A of Advice to the F of Family-
This first book contains five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe make your fingers scratch your head every now and then...

• Language: English
• Publisher: VeryTales
• Release date: Jan 22, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370985319

Eric Landa

VeryTales publishes books and stories from varies authors. We hope you'll enjoy reading their work as much as our authors loved writing it.

Book preview

The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes

part 1

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes parts 1, 2 & 3.

Introduction

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes part 1. -From the A of Advice to the F of Family-

This first book contains five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content

0001 - 0383 Jokes on: Advice

0384 - 0418 Jokes on: Acronym

0419 - 1681 Jokes on: Animals-Insects

1682 - 1721 Jokes on: Art

1722 - 1760 Jokes on: Beauty

1761 - 1959 Jokes on: Books

1960 - 1994 Jokes on: Calendar

1995 - 1999 Jokes on: Camping

2000 - 2110 Jokes on: Cannibals

2111 - 2405 Jokes on: Charity

2406 - 2583 Jokes on: Childish

2584 - 3312 Jokes on: Children

3313 - 3355 Jokes on: Circus

3356 - 3515 Jokes on: Communication

3516 - 3984 Jokes on: Computers & Technology

3985 - 4100 Jokes on: Definitions

4101 - 4135 Jokes on: Diets

4136 - 4288 Jokes on: Difference

4289 - 4312 Jokes on: Dinosaurs

4313 - 4353 Jokes on: Dreams

4354 - 4404 Jokes on: Embarrassment

4405 - 4451 Jokes on: Exercise

4452 - 5000 Jokes on: Family

#0001

I once had a lot of arguments and rants with my bank manager. But then I decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst. Advice

#0002

Here's a bit of Advice for you. Advi. Advice

#0003

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today. Advice

#0004

Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life! Advice

#0005

My father once told me, Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it's something your father told you. Advice

#0006

Taking the decision to bend over and tie your shoelaces on a moving escalator injects the added thrill of a 'time limit'. Advice

#0007

Lost your tree? Why not nail a picture of it to your dog? Advice

#0008

Dear Tabloid Agony Aunt, I keep seeking out Advice for serious issues from dangerously under-qualified people. What do you suggest I do? Advice

#0009

There's a little-known but foolproof defense against sharks. Sharks will only attack you if you're wet. Advice

#0010

Sickipedia's motto - If you can't beat them, copy them. Advice

#0011

Call of Duty Gamers. Temporarily blind and disorientate your opponent by unexpectedly ripping open his bedroom curtains. Advice

#0012

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it. Advice

#0013

My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong? Advice

#0014

I asked my teacher for Advice when taking my math exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first. That's the last time I listen to him. I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard, Okay, pencils down. Advice

#0015

Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one. Advice

#0016

Be the life of the party by murdering all the other guests. Advice

#0017

Don’t do anything you are not prepared to explain to a paramedic. Advice

#0018

Tip for the day: 'Harder' is not a good choice of safe word. Advice

#0019

My mum told me I should never talk to strangers. I said, It's alright mum, I don't know any. Advice

#0020

A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal skullcap for a Jewish hamster. Advice

#0021

There are two rules for success: 1. don’t tell all you know Advice

#0022

"HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer." Advice

#0023

"Scientists have proven that cigarettes are harmful to the health of Children.

Fair enough, use an ashtray." Advice

#0024

On a serious note, I am concerned with global warming and the effect it will have on our future, especially after reading an Article about low water levels in reservoirs. Well, I drive past my local reservoir every day, and each morning I empty a bucket of water from my tap while on my way to work. If all of us did the same, these reservoirs would be full in no time. Advice

#0025

Anybody else think we'll be seeing the words Database latency too high on Friday? Advice

#0026

"Why do women like men who are smArt, goal orientated and have a sense of humor?

Because opposites attract." Advice

#0027

I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing. Advice

#0028

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smArt enough to get out of jury duty. Advice

#0029

You never realize what you've got till it's gone. Toilet paper being a good example. Advice

#0030

I phoned the 'Rape Helpline' yesterday. They suggested I buy a balaclava. Advice

#0031

Top Tip. London Borough Council. Putting a second 'No Ball games' sign 8 yards (7.32m) to the left of the current one will save us having to use a jumper for a goalpost. Advice

#0032

When I'm bored I like to play a game with my dear wife whilst she is hovering. I unplug it and time how long it takes her to notice. Advice

#0033

I just saw the advert for Compare the Market com saying that they are updating their server to cope with more people online. Sickipedia! Take Note!! Simples....... Advice

#0034

A man walks into a Bookshop and says, can I have a book by Shakespeare? Of course, Sir, which one? The man replies, William. Advice

#0035

What's the best thing to come out of Coventry? The A45 Advice

#0036

Half a coconut hung from a tree makes a nutritious food for your garden birds. It also helps to keep other coconuts away from your house. Advice

#0037

Just a little bit of Advice for any parents that are reading this. If your baby is having trouble sleeping, don't put a drop of whisky in their milk bottle. It's far more effective if you put a drop of milk in a whisky bottle. It works wonders, my son has been asleep for eight days straight now. Advice

#0038

Christmas Party Tip: Asking for a kiss under the camel toe is NEVER acceptable. Advice

#0039

Saw an advert for this new show called Bulging Brides in which soon to be brides had 2 months to fit in their dress. 2 Months! Just to fit into a dress? I could tell them where to get ripped in just 4 weeks. Advice

#0040

Top Tip: If a police officer pulls you over, do not tell him/her, I find you very attractive...and that's not just the booze talking! Advice

#0041

I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish. Advice

#0042

The best place to hide a body is on Page 2 of Google's search results. Advice

#0043

Goths. Save money on black nail varnish by hitting your fingernails with a claw hammer. Advice

#0044

Leprechauns hide their gold in electrical sockets... You can check at home. Just use forks to get it out. Advice

#0045

Whatever you do, don't drink the varnish. It'll be a sad end - but a beautiful finish. Advice

#0046

Tip of the day: When a police officer says to you Put your hands up. Don't say, For Detroit. Advice

#0047

After getting blown by my wife, I quoted from my favorite Children's film Babe: That'll do, pig, that'll do. Advice

#0048

Woodstock; if you were really There you won't remember it. Apparently I was at Woodstock. Advice

#0049

Fool shop keepers into thinking you're an armed robber by wearing a balaclava, pointing a gun to their head, and asking them to empty the till. Advice

#0050

I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my Advice. Advice

#0051

I went for a job interview. Where would you like to see yourself in five years’ time? he asked me. I thought and said, Suspended on full pay. Advice

#0052

If you see someone just randomly removing their iPod headphones on the bus or the Tube, you can be pretty sure they're gauging how loud their fart is. Advice

#0053

They always put ''For best before date: see side of pack'' on groceries. Why can't they just put the date there? Advice

#0054

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself? We can't chew them because we've no teeth, she replied. We just love the chocolate around them. Advice

#0055

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. Advice

#0056

My boss once told me, Don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Which makes you wonder why he fired me for coming in dressed as a Mexican wrestler Advice

#0057

The veteran actor and director turned to me and said, You know what they say, you should never work with Children or Animals. That's an old theatre saying, isn't it? I replied. No, it's what the police told us when we did your CRB check. Advice

#0058

Need overpriced, average clothes? There's a Gap for that. Advice

#0059

People shouldn't worry about the world ending. It's already tomorrow in Australia! Advice

#0060

So I was getting into my car and this bloke said to me, Can you give me a lift? I said, Sure... You look great, the world's your oyster, go for it! Advice

#0061

I distinctly remember one time my parents talking to me down the phone and saying, if we throw cash away at you now, you’ll never know the value of money. But I still think it would’ve been nice for them to pay that ransom. Advice

#0062

Top tip: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice quickly and watch the driver in front hit their brakes when they think they've been caught. Advice

#0063

When you write a joke you should always proof-read it carefully to make sure you haven't any words out. Advice

#0064

When getting into a fight in a pub, don't concern yourself with ungentlemanly fisticuffs. First shout something innocuous at your opponent, to grab the pub's attention. Then calmly walk to the door. There, turn around and in your loudest voice yell, At least I'm not a pedophile. The seed planted into everyone's mind will do more long-term damage than any punch could ever do. Advice

#0065

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Advice

#0066

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory. Advice

#0067

I recently went to Birmingham with low expectations, and I left disappointed. Advice

#0068

Top tip: When at the airport, if you get asked Anything to declare?, it's not the best response to say A Thumb War. Still though, their prison isn't too bad. Advice

#0069

What have a grave yard and a beach got in common? You will have a much better time if you take a spade. Advice

#0070

Is it just me that reads a joke and looks at the score before laughing or not? Advice

#0071What do you do if your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure? Advice

#0072

If fishing means luring, hooking, catching, and potentially killing fish, shouldn't we investigate whenever someone says, I'm kidding? Advice

#0073

Never moon a werewolf. Advice

#0074

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad. Advice

#0075

Never have a motto. That's my motto. Advice

#0076

Top tip: city councils save hundreds of pounds on signs warning of dangerous bends, simply tie a bunch of flowers to a nearby tree Advice

#0077

If you want to write a letter, use a pen and paper. Advice

#0078

In the news was a story that a boy died by walking in front of a moving train. The excuse is that he was listening to his ipod loud. The Family have urged people not to listen to iPods while outside for your own safety. Wouldn't it be more constructive if she told people to look before crossing? Advice

#0079

Giva a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and his wife will divorce him. Advice

#0080

What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry? Never lick the spoon. Advice

#0081

I'm doing an environmental studies course and I need ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please. Advice

#0082

Top Tip: Avoid tears when chopping onions by using carrots instead. Advice

#0083

BUS DRIVERS. If you see an attractive woman with a low cut top at the bus stop, accelerate and come to a halt 50 feet past the stop. You will then have a great view in your nearside mirror as she runs towards you. Finally, accidentally drop her change for a second look. Advice

#0084

If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, my Advice, hit it with a ship. I've seen people do that, it works! Advice

#0085

I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my Advice. Advice

#0086

'Don’t shoot the messenger.' Do postmen count? I'm going to need a quick answer on this. Advice

#0087

O.A.P drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as Fifth Gear. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph. Advice

#0088

If you leave a dog in a car on a hot day without water or ventilation, it could be dead in 15 minutes. However, I've discovered that if I put the heating on as well, I can get it down to about five. Advice

#0089

Fool people into thinking you are an octopus by drinking several liters of ink and farting every time someone startles you. Advice

#0090

Am I the only one getting annoyed with all these jokes that relate directly to Sickipedia that become so popular? These jokes don't work in the real world. Try telling a joke about data latency being too high after an awesome pedophile joke to all your friends at the pub. Your friends will hate you and you'll be lonely and you'll kill yourself. Let's get back to the actual sick jokes, people. Advice

#0091

The best thing for baldness? Hair. Advice

#0092

WINDOW CLEANERS. When agreeing a price with Dr Who to clean the windows of the Tardis, don't be conned into agreeing to do the insides for the same price. Advice

#0093

Never trust a plumber who wears wellies. Advice

#0094

Land Line users: Save 1 a month on caller display by simply answering the phone and asking who it is. Advice

#0095

National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support... Advice

#0096

All I am saying is that I think the freezer deserves a light as well......... Advice

#0097

Never wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes. Advice

#0098

Whoever said, ' Laughter is the best medicine. ‘Never had gonorrhea. Advice

#0099

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm still not tempted to dig the wife up and it's been 8 months. Advice

#0100

My mates warned me against going home with an Afro-Caribbean hairdresser last night. Woke up this morning and I've got braids. Advice

#0101

I am not useless; I can always serve as a bad example. Advice

#0102

Attention ladies. If the recycle bin on your boyfriend's computer is always empty, he's up to no good. Advice

#0103

Giraffes look down on people like you Advice

#0104

Top Tip #87 Freezing worms makes them easier to sharpen. Advice

#0105

Manufacturers of Deluxe 'Once'. I think the word you're looking for is 'twice'. Advice

#0106

Top tip: Save money on expensive cremation costs by purposely dying in a house fire. Advice

#0107

You can't choose your Family ...but you can ignore their phone calls. Advice

#0108

My mate recently became a black belt in judo. I said, That's all very well but, really, how often are you going to be attacked by a man in a dressing-gown? Advice

#0109

I saw a scruffy looking young man sat on the street this morning behind a card that read: Help the Homeless So I gave him the number of an estate agent I know. Advice

#0110

Mosh pit. Well concealed Taser. Hours of endless entertainment. Advice

#0111

My girlfriend just asked me how we were supposed to stop her dog from drinking the toilet water when I keep leaving the seat up. I told her to put it down. Advice

#0112

Save money on expensive pet carriers. If you need to take your cat to the vets, simply tie its tail to one of its back legs to make an excellent carry handle. Advice

#0113

Beware: Peanuts may cause small Children to choke What kind of society do we live in where murder tips are advertised on the back of peanut wrappers?! Advice

#0114

You know what they say, so I won’t tell you. Advice

#0115

'Hope you're hungry' A kind gesture in Britain; A cruel taunt in Sudan. Advice

#0116

Whispering can make almost anything sound creepier. Example: I love little kids. Advice

#0117

I work in a bar called Advice. I get really good tips. Advice

#0118

It was good Advice when someone told me I'd never meet the woman of my Dreams at a bar. The women in my Dreams aren't old enough to get in. Advice

#0119

Here's a useful shopping tip - You can get a pair of shoes for 1 in the bowling alley. Advice

#0120

Trying to be funny is like trying to force a fart - it never turns out quite as you expect and you'll likely have to leave the room. Advice

#0121

Top tip: If you have a paranoid friend and they leave their mobile lying around, pick it up and add little reminders like I'm watching you and You're not alone to random dates. Epic lots! Advice

#0122

Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. But teach a man to wear a fishnet stocking for a mask and hold up a bank and you've taken care of him for life, one way or another. Advice

#0123

Amuse yourself when filling in application forms. When it asks Are you registered blind or partially-sighted? tick slightly outside the box that says No. Advice

#0124

UK GOVERNMENT. Reduce the amount of underage pregnancies in Britain by simply lowering the age of consent. Advice

#0125

The only thing more boring than watching paint dry... listening to paint dry. Advice

#0126

Ladies, you can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want. Advice

#0127

Top Tip: Go down the pub so you don't feel guilty watching your wife do all the housework. Advice

#0128

A day without sunshine is like, well, night. Advice

#0129

Marriage tip: When your wife comments that eating a dessert after dinner will make her fat, don't add the term. Trust me. Advice

#0130

My old Dad always said, Lift with your legs. I find it easier to use my arms. Advice

#0131

It is estimated that it has cost the British taxpayer 2.3 million to pay for the Pope's visit. They obviously never heard of Ryan air, return tickets from Rome start at 48. Advice

#0132

Take my Advice: I don't use it anyway. Advice

#0133

Word of Advice for those people who make jokes about Walkers crisp bags having very few crisps in them. Don't bother buying a Ryan air sick bag - they turn out to be even more disappointing. Advice

#0134

Marathon runners cover over 26 miles in two hours, train for years and when they finish cannot breath and are bent double with pain. I, on the other hand, can spend the 2 hours in the pub drinking and smoking, yet walk out as right as rain. Therefore running is obviously bad for you. Advice

#0135

If I had a pound for every time I lost a pound, I would be no better off. Advice

#0136

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Advice

#0137

Top Tip: Tired of cramped conditions on air flights? To get a whole row to yourself, simply stare at your shoes and say, Come on! Advice

#0138

If alcohol isn't the answer, then obviously the wrong question is being asked. Advice

#0139

GET the N-DUBZ experience by smashing yourself in the ear with a hammer. Advice

#0140

They need to open a nightclub called The Office So men don't need to lie to their girl where they are anymore. Advice

#0141

Don't drink and drive... Do all you’re drinking before you drive! Advice

#0142

My mate gave me some really good Advice on how to pick up women today. You have to flip her over so she's face down, then you put your arm under her stomach and lift, he said. Advice

#0143

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much. Advice

#0144

TOP TIP Impress your mates and save yourself extortionate contract fees... ... just add the sentence, 'Sent from my iPhone' to all your emails and texts. Advice

#0145

Vicars - Bowling hedgehogs in the church grounds is an ideal way to clear confetti after a wedding. Advice

#0146

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. Advice

#0147

My dad always said ' be good and if you can't be good, be careful'. Wise words from the man who knocked up a fat minger. Advice

#0148

A tip for Midgets: Appear taller by snacking on fun-size Mars bars and speaking very quietly, thus giving the impression that you are merely a long way away. Advice

#0149

Top tip: add thousands to the value of your house by making wallpaper out of twenty quid notes. Advice

#0150

Men; would you like to last longer in bed? Then get your wife to bring breakfast to you. Advice

#0151

I need help committing suicide. Does anyone have some experience? Advice

#0152

I'm in a long distance relationship and I find it great. Wife in the kitchen and me at the pub. Advice

#0153

I've been trying to teach my son the importance of honesty. Today when I came home I discovered that he had found my nail gun and destroyed my entire vinyl collection. I went up to his room and asked him if he knew who did it. It was me, dad. He replied. Good son, and do you know why I'm not going to punish you? Because I'm still holding your nail gun. Advice

#0154

Wii Fit, Number 1 way to let your girlfriend know she's FAT! Advice

#0155

Tip of the day: Don't bother trying to get a taxi during a mosque service, you're only wasting your time. Advice

#0156

Headline in the sun 'NIGHT STALKER ATTACKED ME WHEN I WAS IN LABOUR' Advice to all women out there vote conservative Advice

#0157

When in ASDA buying grapes, take one grape to the serve yourself till. When it is weighed it won't register on the scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure a hundred times or so, and hey, presto! You have yourself a free bunch of grapes. Advice

#0158

Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community. Advice

#0159

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation Advice

#0160

Hospitals. Increase the revenue from on-site car parking by selling off the cars left by dead patients. Advice

#0161

Fool your friends into thinking you always have flash lemon in your toilet by not flushing urine away. Advice

#0162

Unemployed People. A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have nothing to do today. Advice

#0163

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman sentenced to beheading by guillotine. This Englishman was brought out first and as the blade fell towards his neck it got stuck. Tradition was that if this happened then they had to let him free so the Englishman was saved. Next they brought the Scotsman out and as the blade fell towards his neck the same thing happened so they had to let him free as well. As the Irishman is being brought he is kicking and screaming and making a terrible fuss. One of that guards says to him What's the matter with you. The Irishman replies, I'm not going near that thing until you get it fixed! Advice

#0164

Tip to all Africans: If you want to buy a cheap plastic product buy a condom. It will stop Aids and also stop our ears bleeding. Advice

#0165

What's the definition of gross? Dreaming you're eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face. Advice

#0166

Contact lens wearers.... Keep your eyes snug and warm this winter by adding a few drops of chili sauce to your cleaning solution. Advice

#0167

Can anyone give me a rough idea how much I would have to pay for a ball park? Advice

#0168

My mate reckons he could eat a whole blanket, personally I think he's full of sheet. Advice

#0169

Don't just wait for your grandparents to die so you can claim their inheritance. Earn it! Visit them. Make conversation. Put a smile on their faces. Leave a window open. Advice

#0170

I don't think I was listening when my mam told me how to use a cotton bud properly. It went in one ear and out the other. Advice

#0171

I've come up with a great way to come up with money. Find yourself a blonde girl and say I bet you 10 that I can sing a song with anybody's name in it, you can choose the name. At which point she'll agree and choose a name. You'll then sing Happy Birthday with whichever name she's chosen, you can do this as many times as you want. Advice

#0172

Advice to poor People/Council House tenants -disguise the fact that your property needs expensive external cladding work by covering the whole of your house with St George's Flags Advice

#0173

Roadside accidents; a great place to pick up that last-minute anniversary gift. Advice

#0174

After failing university, I had no money and no job. My father advised there's money in Computers! turns out there wasn’t. Also i need to replace two of his Computers. Advice

#0175

Mum: Be careful me: Thank God, before you said that i was just going to be recklessly dangerous. Advice

#0176

Women: save money on anti-ageing products by dying young. Advice

#0177

To survive in water, you don't have to be good at swimming, you just have to be bad at drowning. Advice

#0178

Tip of the day: Never high-five a Muppet whilst wearing a Velcro glove. Advice

#0179

Join the US Army. You will get 20 bucks for every kill in combat. Or 50 bucks for killing an enemy. Advice

#0180

Bus drivers, make your own under-budget version of Takeshi's castle by moving the disabled seats upstairs. Advice

#0181

Convince others you are full of great ideas by sell taping a light bulb to the top of your head Advice

#0182

A neighbor’s car aerial, when carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Advice

#0183

The irony of you telling me to get a life is that I'll probably take yours... Advice

#0184

Inflatable sheep... For people so ugly, they can't pull an inflatable doll. Advice

#0185

Tip: When your pupil's parent asks you why you wanted to be a teacher don't reply I'm a pedophile Advice

#0186

We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop right there. Advice

#0187

Women. Avoid parking discrepancies by aiming to park all wonky. There is a good chance you will end up perfectly straight and within the lines. You're welcome. Advice

#0188

How to write a successful joke: For a joke to be successful, one must consider the various discourses of humour, especially pertaining to the various genres of comedy that exist. One must also consider the various synonyms of the vocabulary used in the joke and the intended meaning of the word (versus the normal usage of the word in a non-joke context). We use Hilling's formula to calculate the efficacy of the word play (C = 1/x * R(4e)). We must then take into account the use of current affairs, using Smith's algorithm (1>2>3>4>X<4<3<2<1). Finally, it is essential that we consider the intended target. Failing that, just write something about black people being lazy. Advice

#0189

Why spend three quid on a packet of bog roll when you can get a copy of The Sun for 25p? Advice

#0190

Whenever a child asks me why God let so many people die in a disaster, I tell them it’s because they distracted him by praying for a puppy. Advice

#0191

Never get on one knee for a girl that won’t get on two for you. Advice

#0192

LEA & PERRINS- Save on printing costs of bottle labels by moving your Worcestershire sauce factory to Kent. Advice

#0193

What do you call a fish with four eyes? Fish. Advice

#0194

A man walks into a lawyer's office and asks, How much would it be to ask you three questions? The attorney answered, $500. Holy cow! the man replied, That's a bit steep, isn't it? No. said the attorney. What's your third question? Advice

#0195

When reading a book, always underline the bits you don't understand. That way, if you ever lend it to someone, they'll think you're really clever. Advice

#0196

Gin, an excellent medicine for being sober Advice

#0197

Some say your Children teach the most important lessons. Mine taught me to use a condom in future Advice

#0198

I don't think 'Smoking Kills' should be exclusive to cigarette packets. I've yet to see a kipper survive it either. Advice

#0199

Statistics are like a lamppost to a drunken man. More for leaning on than illumination. Advice

#0200

Keep Britain Tidy, eat a pigeon. Advice

#0201

TOP TIP FOR DWARFS make sure you never have enough money to buy things. It will amuse us when you tell them this at the till. Advice

#0202

Make shopping in Curry's more fun by changing the channel on the TVs to Sky Channel 912. Advice

#0203

I have always considered it bad practice to begin and end your sentences with I. Advice

#0204

INVESTMENT TIP If you purchased 1,000 of Bradford & Bingley ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of HBOS, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 87 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Northern Rock ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Merrill Lynch ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 0 left today; If you purchased 1,000 of Royal Bank of Scotland, ordinary stock two years ago, you would have 76 left today; If you purchased 1,000 worth of canned beer two years ago, drank all the beer and sold the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have 188 left today; Based on this example, my investment tip is: (i) Avoid bank shares (ii) Drink canned beer heavily and (iii) Sell the cans for recycling Advice

#0205

Tried to impress my wife this morning by putting all the plates in the dishwasher before she came home. Apparently, we don't have a dishwasher. Another washing machine ruined... Advice

#0206

Teenage boys. The waistband of your boxer shorts makes an ideal hiding place to conceal any unwanted hard-ons. Advice

#0207

Pedophiles: Make your naughty activities less obvious to vigilant mothers by not dressing up as a train spotter. Advice

#0208

Taxi Drivers: Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertently signal. Advice

#0209

My Dad's suggestion to fight fire with fire turned out to be very bad Advice indeed. I guess I should have learnt not to trust him after the incident where I used paper to defend myself from rocks. Advice

#0210

DOG LOVERS. Reduce your chances of going blind by only buying black or brown Labradors. Advice

#0211

I have broken my leg 3 times in the same place now. I should probably stay away from there in future. Advice

#0212

Top Tip for London tourists: Save money on the London planetarium by simply going out at night and looking up. Advice

#0213

Fool people into thinking you are going to make a funny joke, then don't. Advice

#0214

Keep your trap shut! my dad always said. I resent him for that. So does my greyhound. Advice

#0215

Help stop copyright theft. Wear your jam rag t-shirt inside out. Advice

#0216

Top Tip: Doing radiotherapy? Tell the doctor to give you twice the normal dose so it doubles your chances of becoming a superhero. Advice

#0217

Muslim leaders: in between the call to prayer at the mosque why not shout out the latest savings at ASDA? Advice

#0218

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. Advice

#0219

Would-be criminals. Before you commit a crime, get a foretaste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye. Advice

#0220

"Extremists Do you want to blow yourself up for a good cause and get hundreds of virgins?

I suggest Comic Con" Advice

#0221

Helpful hint #1 When arranging to meet a girl from the internet, who spreads 'em easily.... Make sure she doesn't mean diseases. Advice

#0222

There are certain mistakes in life that you only make once. Like visiting the loo straight after your wife to find red toilet water and the stench of rotting fish guts. Advice

#0223

When someone sees you crying, and asks: Are you sad? Punch them in the face, and ask: Are you okay? Advice

#0224

When life gives you oil spills, make Molotov’s. Advice

#0225

I've learnt the awkward way, if your girlfriend's mother asks Would you do me a favour? - ALWAYS wait until she has said a favour before eagerly nodding and saying yes. Advice

#0226

Looking through husbands CD collection: John Lennon, Michael Hutchinson, and Kurt Cobain. All died violent deaths. Hope he buys new Coldplay CD. Advice

#0227

Never put your finger where you wouldn't put your nose. Advice

#0228

I always wanted to be a rock star when I was a young child....I got the excessive drinking right, but unfortunately forgot about the main things, learning an instrument and writing songs. Advice

#0229

Top tip; never attempt to operate a chainsaw whilst fairly drunk. There's a good chance you'll end up legless. Advice

#0230

Never milk a joke. Unless it's a cow joke. Advice

#0231

I love to read those Advice columns in the newspaper. I read one this morning. It said, What’s the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary? Morning Sickness. Advice

#0232

My Dad would always give me good Advice. Like, scream and I'll kill your sister. Advice

#0233

Top Tip: if you can hear the police banging on your door to complain about the noise then it clearly isn't loud enough.... Advice

#0234

Uh.. If you have a good joke, wait till the site is running normally so we can actually vote it up? Don't waste it you gimps. Advice

#0235

If there's one thing I’ve learnt in life... It's keep the Hemorrhoid cream and the Deep Heat rub well apart in the bathroom cabinet. Advice

#0236

Man Utd fans. Clear your club's 80 Million losses by simply setting up a stall where you can be punched for 1 pound. Advice

#0237

Benefits: Making natural selection obsolete since 1992. Advice

#0238

If something’s worth having... It's not on eBay. Advice

#0239

I clean my house with Clearasil. The place is always spotless. Advice

#0240

One good turn will get you...................most of the blankets Advice

#0241

Drivers: When you see those 'accident black spot' signs you should speed up. You don't want to hang about in dangerous places. Advice

#0242

Best way of avoiding being clamped? Buy four clamps and put one on each wheel. Advice

#0243

How many times is it appropriate to say What? before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said? Advice

#0244

I heard, that in a survival situation if there is no water available, you can drink your own urine. So I always take a two liter bottle of it wherever I go just in case. Advice

#0245

Next time someone says You owe me big time, arrange for DHL to send them a 5 foot clock to their house. That should shut them up. Advice

#0246

Fool guests into thinking all your picture frames are digital by changing the picture yourself every 15 seconds. Advice

#0247

Whenever you're shot in the chest, lie on the side you were hit. That way only one lung will fill with blood. Advice

#0248

Commuters, make the bus come quicker by standing by the corner looking for it coming down the road, then running back to the