5,000 One Liners: The Second Ultimate Collection of One Liners

By Ray Prince

Following the outstanding success of his first volume titled 4,000 One Liners, the author has delved into his archive and cobbled together a second volume of equally fascinating reflections of life. The new book 5,000 One Liners is a trove of humorous and thoughtful quotes which are sure to brighten the reader’s day and

• Language: English
• Publisher: raymond prince
• Release date: Aug 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9780992384937

Ray Prince

After winning the Australasian Speaking Championship of Toastmasters and competing as one of the world finalists in the USA, Ray Prince won the Humorous Speaking title for Australia as well. Having spoken at conferences in over a dozen countries, trained people from Cabinet Ministers and CEO's in the skill of "Presentations', he believes that the clever use humour is one powerful tool too often overlooked. For more than thirty years he has gathered these quips, aphorisms, epigrams, epithets and maxims for all people to enjoy as well as to encourage those who appear on the public platform to use humour where appropriate: everyone can do it.

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5,000 ONE LINERS

The Second Ultimate Collection of One Liners

(Companion to the best-selling 4,000 One Liners)

by

Ray Prince

A book where words, wit, humour, ideas, philosophy and common sense come together to play

Published by Ray Prince

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Copyright © Ray Prince 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording or imaging or by any other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author and publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright.

My appreciation to Ian Mackay, a friend of more than fifty years, for his IT assistance and comments as well as photographic skills which produced the cover design.

Thanks also to my editor, Philip Newey of All-read-E (http://philipnewey.com/All-read-E.htm) for editing the book and formatting the text for both the print and electronic versions.

Of course, any errors remain entirely my own. (The lawyers made me say this!)

Ray's earlier publication, titled 4,000 One Liners, has won acclaim:

"Over some forty-five years I have known Ray - and a number of his books. His latest, 4,000 One Liners, is the funniest, most thought provoking and most entertaining of the lot!

We recommend that you have 4,000 bits of enjoyment!! And in daily increments, if that is your way! Humour is excellent medicine.

Dr John Ryan

Medical Practitioner

"4,000 One Liners contains a truly marvellous collection of one-liners. It's a pity I can't use them in my job as a barrister -  but judges don't like smart alecs in court. I don't really understand why.

"Read this book and you'll realise (if you don't know already) that life is absurdly amusing and the law is about life. Most entries contain a germ of wisdom, but all of them are funny and clever.

Buy it, and lighten up.

John Murphy

Barrister at Law

"As a long haul frequent flyer, I often take 4,000 One Liners with me to keep my mojo and sense of humour on the long trips. Always have a chuckle!

"It is very true that clever humour will make you laugh for seconds and think for minutes.

"I enjoyed the book so much I purchased fifty copies for friends and business associates!

One liners are great ice breakers when meeting new clients.

Maurice Brand

Chairman & CEO

Global Energy Ventures Ltd

"I think 4,000 One Liners works so well because it puts one in a mindset like that. Perhaps the most practical form of philosophy - to be eternally ready with words. What you have appeals to readers in classics and railways fettlers, alike.

The layout and format I found to be very accessible and completely clear. There is also a logical progression to it; bit of a controversy sandwich with a catch-all at the end and the hilarious anecdote from Churchill. Well done.

James Wall

High School English Master

About the Author

Welcome to this, the second volume of Ray Prince's one liners. Volume one, 4,000 One Liners, has been so well received by readers that Ray has now published a second volume titled 5,000 One Liners. This new volume presents a cache of new clever and enjoyable one liners carrying the same freshness that made the earlier volume a success.

Ray won the Australian Speaking Championship of Toastmasters and then competed as one of the world finalists in the USA. He has also won the Toastmaster's Australian title for Humorous Speaking. 

His career began with nine years practising his craft as an industrial chemist in the sugar manufacturing and oil refining industries and then subsequently graduating with a degree in economics, spending a further ten years as a consultant with the Queensland Division of the Australian Institute of Management.

Following this he spent twenty-two years as principal of his own management consulting business working with major Australian companies. During this period of his career Ray was in demand as a national and international conference speaker in more than ten countries.

One of his interests has been collecting one liners for more than forty years.

He is retired and lives with his wife Margaret in Newport, south-east Queensland.

About the book

This book contains more than 5,000 new one liners, sorted into nineteen categories, with some sections such as Professions and Family containing sub groups.

It pays no allegiance to political correctness, and neither it should. PC is a blight on the freedom of expression and consequently can prevent the sharing of some great humour.

Like its predecessor, this volume contains no riddles, as most of those available belong in Christmas bonbons and not in a book such as this - meaning no disrespect to those riddle writers.

Where possible, the author acknowledges the originators of the quotes, but for the many thousands of anonymous wits whose work appears here, a heartfelt thank you for adding to our enjoyment of living.

There is some so-called adult content included, but these days it is difficult to know at what age children become adult.

Laughing is one of the best exercises; it's like running inside your mind. You can do it almost anywhere and it's even better with a friend. (Anon.)

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A funny thing happened on the way to …

Humour is more than saying something funny or saying something in a funny way.

Many people assume that for something to be humorous, it must elicit laughter. Comedians use laughter as a measure of success, but humour is much more than that. Anything that relaxes your body as well as your mind, causes a smile, a wry chuckle, a belly rumble or just produces happiness in you is humour.

In this book you are welcome to come and play with words and language in my sand pit. Language is a fascinating subject to dive into.

In the following pages we'll dig in the sand for humour. Together we can fossick for epithets and jokes, scavenge to find wit and word play, drill down to discover proverbs and laughs, find insults or quips, and explore for levity and witticisms.

With luck, we might unearth banter beside a parody or even ferret out satire and the occasional aphorism. If the planets are aligned and we are diligent, we could even uncover a gem - a truism which is hiding durable wisdom.

Don't despair if you come across the occasional ho hummer. Other readers can find them hilarious.

Humour is such a personal thing.

This volume draws on many forms of word-play styles and you'll find examples of the following scattered throughout:

Idiom:

A penny saved is a governmental oversight.

Absurd:

Corduroy pillows make headlines!

Brevity:

Pretentious? Moi?

Risqué:

They called him mangrove because of his random rooting tendency.

Subtle:

What rhymes with orange? No, it doesn't.

Imagery:

He is out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Creative:

!rotinom eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH

Non PC:

You gotta hand it to those blind hookers.

Sarcasm:

Don't play stupid with me ... I'm better at it.

Calming:

The main thing to do is relax and let your talent do the work.

What the?:

Verb is a noun.

Ridiculous:

Now line up over there alphabetically by height.

Hyperbole:

Don't use hyperbole; not one in ten million can do it effectively.

Alliteration:

Why would workers whistle at wayward wanton women walking?

Insensitivity:

Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the show?

Inspirational:

Champions are rarely chosen from the ranks of the unscarred.

Confronting:

The reason people take an instant dislike to you is that it saves time.

Philosophical:

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

Understatement:

Bagpipes are the missing link between music and noise.

Self-evident truths:

Fish are difficult to toilet train.

Many of you astute observant readers will notice that some of these one liners are not contained in one line. The reason for this is that the publisher does not provide me with enough lines of sufficient length.

It is obvious I‌need‌significantly‌more‌room‌in‌this‌line‌for‌what‌I‌want‌to‌say‌to‌you‌to‌convey‌the‌full‌meaning.

The book has the category displayed on the top of each page for easy reference. Most readers of the previous book 4,000 One Liners found they read a few pages at a sitting rather than trying to consume too much at once, but you can enjoy them at your preferred pace.

CONTENTS

BUSINESS AND MANAGEMENT

ECONOMICS AND MONEY

WHY TAX SUX

THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE

TIME

TO UNDERSTAND EDUCATION

DEMYSTIFYING PROFESSIONS

THE HEALTH PROFESSIONALS

MUSINGS ON SEX AND MARRIAGE

PONDERING TODAY'S FAMILY

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

REFLECTIONS ON DRINK

UNDERSTANDING SENIORS

HOLIDAYS - STRESS FREE?

RELIGION - RITES OR RIGHTS?

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE - PLEASE EXPLAIN

POLITICS, POLITICIANS AND GOVERNMENT

SPORT - DEITY OR DEMON?

SPEAKING OF SPEAKERS

QUESTIONS REQUIRING ANSWERS

UNTANGLING POT POURRI

END NOTE

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BUSINESS AND MANAGEMENT

Anyone without a sense of humour is at the mercy of everyone else. (William Rotsler)

In this category there are many instances which may appear disparaging or cynical of managers and organisations. This is not the intention. During my career I spent ten years as a consultant for the Queensland Division of the Australian Institute of Management as well as twenty-two years in my own consultancy and have great respect for those who choose management as a career. These one liners are here for their humour and not a reflection on management at large.

However, if we listened only to our intellect, we'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs at times and build your wings on the way down.

Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability.

~~~

Some organisations are sticklers for policies and procedures with great emphasis on HR and Occupational Health and Safety. Some can go to extremes:

Memo to Staff: Surgical operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Memo to Staff: Skinny people get thirty minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get fifteen minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get five minutes because that's all the time needed to have a diet drink and take a weight loss pill.

~~~

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Change? Change? What's wrong with the dark?

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BUSINESS and MANAGEMENT

Prince's Generalised Theory of Management: "Most organisations, public and private sector, are run by men and women of good faith doing the best they can. However, no matter where you work, as you track through your own career you'll come to the realisation that it is all the same circus, just different clowns running it."

Don't tell me it can't be done. Just tell me how much it will cost and then the decision is easy. Can I afford it or not?

Either there's a smoke bomb going off or she's adding toner to the printer again.

Execu-glide is the ability to propel around the office without getting up from the chair.

All the best work is done in defiance of management.

News of the firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U.

You will have a splendid future working for any company where a close relative or friend holds a senior management position.

I keep reading about the Great Depression and, from what I've read, it wasn't so great.

Answering machines are the greatest deterrent to telemarketers.

He can always be relied on to do the right thing but only after he has tried everything else.

No need to insure the office clock because everyone watches it.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Opportunities are never lost - miss one, and someone else will take it.

Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done.

Whoever said, It's not whether you win or lose that counts, probably lost.

Nobody in this company wants to take responsibility for anything, but don't quote me.

If they look down on you, don't look up to them.

The cow chips are about to strike the windmill or the …

The cost of any repair is equal to your worst fears.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they cannot lose. (Bill Gates)

Promising costs nothing; it's the delivering that's the killer.

Gasoline prices are inversely proportional to your petrol gauge reading.

New: the price went up. New & Improved: it went WAY up.

A paradigm will only buy you a cliché or two these days.

Leadership is making people do what they didn't want to do, and like it.

Working for this organisation is like wetting your pants in a dark suit - you get a nice warm feeling but no one notices.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I'm not bludging. I work so fast I'm always finished.

Sometimes in business, you've just got to say, Screw it, I'm going sailing/golfing.

Love your enemies, just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.

Company management! Is that an oxymoron, or are managers just morons?

When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

The most certain way to succeed is: if it doesn't work, try just one more time.

Multitasking. Waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

In business, beware of tap dancers who entertain, make a lot of noise, but don't go anywhere; learn to recognise them.

Men like phones with lots of buttons - it makes them feel important.

If something is extremely confidential, it'll be left in the copier.

Things will get worse before they get better, and nobody said they were going to get better.

Old and sneaky beats young and gifted every time!

His achievements can be written on the back of a postage stamp with a carpenter's pencil and still leave enough room for a shopping list.

The only thing more difficult than following a simple instruction is giving one.

All builders' quotes and time estimates are complete fiction. No exceptions.

Character is defined by what you are willing to do when the spotlight has been turned off, the applause has died down, and no one is around to give you credit.

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. (Gore Vidal)

Contribution vs. commitment. Ham and eggs. The chicken contributes, the pig is committed.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

As long as everything is exactly the way I want it I am totally flexible.

Seagull: a manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Those on the oars don't have time to rock the boat.

There is a difference between wanting a job and wanting work.

If there are two managers responsible for the same thing, one of them isn't needed.

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows what's going on?

Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do if things go wrong.

There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading. Those who learn by observation. And the rest who have to touch the fire to learn that it's hot.

Since we began our corporate stress-reduction seminars, production's gone down and no one seems to care.

I wish I had more energy or less ambition.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

To easily fire a person, relocate the organisation and don't tell them where to.

Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.

You can't pull your sox up if you haven't got any.

The number of theories that can explain any given phenomenon is infinite.

The secrecy of my job prevents me from knowing what I do.

The only thing worse than seeing something done wrong is seeing it done slowly.

I use artificial sweetener at work. I add it to everything I say to my boss.

Here's a tissue. You have a little bullshit on your lip.

If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counselling.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realise you haven't fallen asleep yet.

I could be a morning person if morning started around noon.

He was fired from the calendar factory when all he did was take a day off.

I could agree with you but then we'd both be wrong.

Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Study says all studies are flawed. More study needed.

If you wish work poorly done, pay in advance.

I don't need motivation. I inspire myself. I'm a self-saucing pudding.

My office is so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

In a job application where they wanted three references, he wrote, A dictionary, a thesaurus, and a map.

Never evaluate your employees - evaluate their performance.

Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality.The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers. (Ralph Nader)

The best career advice I received was to find something I liked doing best and find someone who'll pay me to do it.

A leader is a dealer in hope.

Most of the successful people I've known are the ones who do more listening than talking.

For us Aussies, complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whinging.

Why is it that all the smart people are full of doubts and all the dopey ones are full of confidence?

I can rise and shine, just not at the same time.

To be successful, the first thing to do is fall in love with your work.

We must believe in luck, for how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.

When I work fourteen hours a day, seven days a week, I get lucky.

Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will.

Success is just a matter of luck ... say the unsuccessful.

I don't regret burning bridges. It was such a shame there were not certain people on them when I did.

No matter how mature or sophisticated you are, when a two-year-old hands you a toy phone, you always answer it.

The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.

Do something! Lead, follow or get out of the way!

Corollary: Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just bloody leave me alone.

Efficiency suggestion: one of the greatest labour-saving devices available today is tomorrow.

If you are too lazy to start anything you may get a reputation for patience.

He's so mistrustful he proofreads the photocopy against the original.

Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.

What first appears to be sloppy use of words can usually be the completely correct use of words to express sloppy thinking.

You'll rarely get what you need by demanding what you want.

Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth.

You never fail until you stop trying.

It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.

A fool tells you what he will do, a boaster says what he has done and a wise man does it and says nothing.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

Faced with the choice of changing one's mind or proving there is no need to do so, most people get busy on the proof.

Do something. If it works, do more of it. If it doesn't, do something else. 

Every morning I look through the Financial Review's list of the richest people in Australia - if I'm not there, I go to work.

Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.

We totally deny the allegations and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I'd much rather work in Brisbane than in Perth. For starters, you get paid three hours earlier.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.

The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him, I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I'm still employed. I just can't remember where.

I don't know what we'd do without you, but starting Monday we're going to try.

Don't spend time stomping on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Axiom: the last person who quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything until the next person quits or is fired.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

It's the nail that sticks out that gets hammered.

A fine retreat matters as much as a stylish attack.

I made a really big to-do list today and am wondering who I can find to do it.

It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.

Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything differently.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The overworked should remember the out-of-work.

Ethics explained: if you don't eat garlic, they'll never smell it on you. 

It seems some people want an occupation that doesn't keep them occupied.

Daytime TV is punishment for workers who stay home when they're not really sick.

When the going gets tough, the wimps call in sick.

Career advice: to be cleverer than you look, appear stupider than you are.

Little known fact: paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Never read the fine print. You're not going to like it.

Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.

To get a business person to worry, tell them not to.

It's not who you know. It's what you've got on who you know.

Public office is the final refuge of the incompetent.

In the current stock market you can be bull, bear, or just plain chicken.

An expert is someone who does not know more than you but they use Power Point.

I graduated in the half of the class that made the top half possible.

When a person's desk is cluttered with paper it is difficult to tell whether they are busy or just confused.

The fact that jellyfish have survived millions of years without a brain gives hope to some people.

Well, aren't you a little ray of pitch black?

Thursday … or, as I like to call it, day four of the hostage situation.

Nothing messes up your Friday more than when you realise it is only Tuesday.

Now which pair of pants will I put on today - smarty or fancy?

Why do some people accept good enough as good enough?

When an accounts receivable clerk goes psycho, he hears strange invoices.

All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.

Déjà flu: a feeling you are sick and tired about being sick and tired.

Everyone in the office is sick. Apparently it is a staff infection.

Half this game of management is ninety percent mental.

My NBN