4,000 One Liners: The Ultimate Collection of One Liners

By Ray Prince

Welcome to more than 4,000 humorous one liners (not riddles) including categories on, Business, Money, Professions, Politics, Health, Sex and Marriage, Religion, Travel, Computing, Laws of the Universe, Golfing truisms, Proverbs, Public Speaking and a Potpourri. Clever humour can make you laugh for seconds and think for minutes.

Impress yo

• Language: English
• Publisher: raymond prince
• Release date: Mar 31, 2018
• ISBN: 9780992384913

Ray Prince

After winning the Australasian Speaking Championship of Toastmasters and competing as one of the world finalists in the USA, Ray Prince won the Humorous Speaking title for Australia as well. Having spoken at conferences in over a dozen countries, trained people from Cabinet Ministers and CEO's in the skill of "Presentations', he believes that the clever use humour is one powerful tool too often overlooked. For more than thirty years he has gathered these quips, aphorisms, epigrams, epithets and maxims for all people to enjoy as well as to encourage those who appear on the public platform to use humour where appropriate: everyone can do it.

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4,000 ONE LINERS

The Ultimate Collection of One Liners

by

Ray Prince

Clever humour can make you laugh for seconds and think for minutes

Published by Ray Prince

[e-mail]

Second Edition Copyright © Ray Prince 2018

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording or imaging or by any other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author and publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright.

Editing and interior design: Philip Newey http://www.philipnewey.com/All-read-E

Welcome to this collection of more than 4,000 (actually there are more than 4,500!) selected, edited and categorised one liners that will add enjoyment to your life as well as enable you to enhance your speeches.

Clever humour can make you laugh for seconds and think for minutes

About the author and this book

After winning the Australasian Speaking Championship of Toastmasters and competing as one of the world finalists in the USA, Ray won the Humorous Speaking title for Australia as well.

For more than thirty years he has gathered these quips, aphorisms, epigrams, epithets and maxims to encourage those who appear on the public platform to use humour where appropriate: everyone can do it.

Now for the first time, from literally tens of thousands hunted down, he has refined, edited, distilled and carefully selected for this volume more than 4,000 that are the best. If you are a public speaker you can use them with confidence to make a lasting impression on an audience and ensure you are put on their ask again list.

The compilation process encompasses years of jotting down notes, stabbing good ideas with a pen or pencil, remembering funny quips made by a colleague in a bar late one night or off the cuff comments made by family and friends, most of which have no specific source for recognition or attribution.

Where any sources are known I have tried my best to acknowledge them. My apologies to any great wits out there whose contribution has gone unrecognised …

In many cases, the originator’s name has been lost in the swirling mists of antiquity. So to all you speakers, anonymous wits, comedians, comics, graffitiists, jokers, storytellers, raconteurs, biting commentators, smart alec wordsmiths and others, (from myself and the readers) a sincere thank you for adding to our enjoyment of life.

(POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: I have refused to compromise the humour of these pages for the benefit of those misguided protectors of political correctness. If some folks need political correctness to salve their torpid life, then this treasure trove is not for them and they should read no further. However, if you do enjoy good humour and see it as a very useful addition to your presentations or just your personal enjoyment, read on!)

Political correctness means always having to say you are sorry.

Vasectomy means never having to say you are sorry.

DUPLICATION: In compiling such a lengthy and complex collection, there may be some duplication. For this I accept full responsibility and am prepared to refund you 1/4,000th of the purchase price for each duplication you uncover (if you are the first person to advise me with the references for each). Contact me at [e-mail] and I shall refund you in Thai bhat or Vietnamese dong - your choice.

My appreciation to Ian Mackay, a friend of more than fifty years, for his IT assistance and comments as well as photographic skills which produced the cover design.

Thanks also to my editor, Philip Newey of All-read-E (http://‌philipnewey.‌com/‌All-read-E.htm) for editing the book and formatting the text for both the print and electronic versions.

Of course, any errors remain entirely my own. (The lawyers made me say this!)

CONTENTS

INTRODUCING BUSINESS

EXPLAINING MONEY AND ECONOMICS

UNRAVELLING THE PROFESSIONS

MUSING ON POLITICS, POLITICIANS, AND GOVERNMENT

EXPLAINING HEALTH AND MEDICINE

TRYING TO DEMYSTIFY SEX

RELIGION: PARADOX OR PAIR A DUCKS

THE INEVITABILITY OF THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE

ENJOYING TRAVEL AND PLACES

ANYONE UNDERSTAND IT AND COMPUTERS? ANYONE?

THE WISDOM OF PROVERBS, EPIGRAMS AND APHORISMS

UNEXPLAINABLE GOLFING TRUISMS

THINKING ABOUT SPEAKERS

ENJOYING A POTPOURRI

QUESTIONS NEEDING ANSWERS

Introducing business 01

INTRODUCING BUSINESS

Having practised as a management consultant to many of Australia’s largest organisations for more than 30 years, communication has always been a problem recognised by staff.

It seemed that clear and concise messages could be misinterpreted, misunderstood or ignored.

Language and vocabulary issues can also lead to misunderstandings in large and small organisations as indicated by:

In a business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address and would they please spell any difficult words.

Early one Monday, the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer, 'My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N.'

Or in another instance where the communication objective is unclear

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny, quiet voice, I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.

Communication in business is not always simple. Many words of wisdom and delight can be found in this section.

Profit-Highfive-Simpletutorials

BUSINESS

The new 'S' form for taxation: How much did you earn? How much have you got left? Send it!

You don’t need luck if you’re good.

Ethics is what is practised by a Christian who’s holding four aces.

Time-poor people complain, I’m too busy mopping the floor to turn off the tap.

If you get to thinking you’re a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else’s dog around.

The business known as gambling looks with disfavour on the gambling known as business.

A good day is when it hits the fan and I have time to duck.

Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed equally.

You can survive on charm and flattery for about five minutes. After that you’d better know something!

Crisis management works beautifully until an actual crisis occurs.

The secret of business is knowing something that no one else knows.

Statistics indicate that, as a result of overwork, modern executives are dropping like flies on the nation’s golf courses.

Public office is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Any rumour that survives forty-eight hours is probably true.

You say I’m a bastard like it’s a bad thing.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice there is.

If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to do their work.

Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative.

It is a mistake to believe that if we experiment long enough we will find a substitute for a productive day’s work.

Ifyoucanreadthisyouarespendingtoomuchtimefiguringoutmyonelinersinsteadofworking.

A manager was fired, and when his boss was asked who filled the vacancy the reply was that he didn’t leave one!

Fifth Law of Procrastination: procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

He devotes his spare time to neglecting his duties.

Losing is like fertiliser: it stinks for a while, then you get used to it.

Any law enacted that has more than fifty words contains at least one loophole.

Boss spelled backwards is double SOB.

With responsibility some people grow - others just swell.

Fools rush in where angels consult their lawyers.

What part of http://www.kissmyass.com don’t you understand?

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been in the past.

They are a group of tea-sipping, time-wasting, blood-sucking parasitic bureaucrats.

There is no evidence of backstabbing in this organisation. They believe that stabbing in the front is quicker and more effective.

His office looked like a bombsite.

Some days, despite your very best efforts, the dragon wins.

A bargain is when both people think they’ve got the better of each other.

Advertising is the second most profitable form of writing - the most profitable, of course, is ransom notes.

The thirty-five-hour week will never become a reality - how could you expect Australians to work that long!

Some people are already working a four-day week - it just takes them five days to do it.

The manager who thought the Dow Jones Index was a rock band - Take it away, Dow!

If someone from the government says they’re here to help you … Run!!!

No comment is a comment.

If you do something right the first time, no one knows how difficult it was.

A pessimist is one who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.

Commonwealth Law is ten thousand books explaining the Ten Commandments.

Education is what you get when you read the manual: experience is what you get when you don’t.

How can skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

Consultants have credibility because they aren’t dumb enough to work at your company.

You don’t need instructions if you have a large hammer.

All an argument proves is that two or more people are present.

One thing I can say about him: he hasn’t let success go to his clothes.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

It’s impossible to distinguish a bureaucrat sitting on his hands from one trying to cover his ass.

Accomplishment is inversely proportional to the volume of paper used.

If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem.

Secret or unnamed sources are always more credible.

All bad policies are more likely to be supplemented than repealed.

The staff member was meandering to a different drummer.

Positive thinking is self-improvement through self-deception.

Eighty-nine percent of all people consider themselves to be above average employees.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

To spot an expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book - or what a book is.

Professionals are predictable; it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

If it’s stupid but it works, it isn’t stupid.

Do unto others, then run like hell.

Those who wait around for things to happen are destined to become waiters.

Printers have three main components: an empty cartridge, the jammed paper tray and a blinking red light.

If nobody uses it, there’s a reason.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you’re doing it?

Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things.

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

I am learning that, in my organisation, criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Quote from the boss: I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

She was mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

His speeches go over like a pregnant woman pole-vaulting.

Any damned fool can predict the past.

He always has a smile on his face, he seems to enjoy his work, and he never complains - I suspect he’s on drugs.

Ability is what you’re capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do!

For sale, motivation tapes; never been used.

Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.

Nothing is better motivation than the last minute.

Wall Street is the only place people ride to work in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.

Anyone who starts a sentence with With all due respect … is about to insult you.

He’s about as sharp as a bowling ball, and twice as smart.

Put off procrastinating till another time.

I’m correct 90% of the time. The other 3% don’t matter.

Bosses are so busy delegating jobs, they have no time to work.

Be consistent but not all the time.

The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

One thing you learn the hard way is that there is no easy way.

A handshake isn’t worth the paper it is written on.

Do not drink coffee early in the morning; it will keep you awake until noon.

We can’t stop crime, so let’s legalise it and tax it out of business.

Behind every good business deal is a company lawyer advising against it.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

If you lose a business opportunity you can bet your competitor will find it.

Due to budget cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off to save power.

Due to budget cuts, all clouds will be lined with zinc.

Your lack of planning is not my emergency.

You think you have problems? Murphy lives with me!

Travel important today; tax auditors arrive tomorrow.

If he learns by his mistakes, he’s getting a fabulous education.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are Cheque Enclosed.

I xeroxed my watch so now I have time to spare.

I’d procrastinate, but I simply can’t find the time.

The system manager has deleted your account, heh-heh-heh.

Say no, then negotiate.

A career is a job that takes about twenty more hours a week.

Running your own business is like the luge strategy: lie flat and try not to die.

Brain on vacation; body on autopilot.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

Think positive. If you fall in the creek, check your pockets for fish.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

Annoy the ATO - fill out your tax form using binary.

The only easy day is yesterday.

As a retiree, I have taken up meditation - at least it’s better than sitting doing nothing.

Bankers are just like everyone else, only richer.

This contract is either a forgery or a damn clever original.

Stressed? Therapy is expensive. Poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Some mistakes are way too much fun to only make once.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

There are ten kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense

That executive has a room temperature IQ.

Nothing valuable can be lost by taking time.

When I reach tomorrow, there will be no regrets about today.

If a man is a fool, you don’t train him out of being a fool by sending him to university. You merely turn him into a trained fool, ten times more dangerous.

An encyclopaedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift; that’s why it’s called the present.

My anger-management therapist can beat up your assertiveness-training counsellor anytime.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Expert: someone who used to be pert.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. That individual is crazy and should be avoided.

Making a decision is easy: when the difference is big you know what to choose, and when the difference is small, it does not really matter what you choose.

There will come a day when all the work is finished or when it is too late to finish it.

Hell must be full … the damned are in customer service.

Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.

All the cookies are not in the jar.

A fine retreat matters as much as a stylish attack.

Any philosophy that can fit into a nutshell belongs there.

Education is what you have left after you’ve lost all your notes.

What brought you here and does it have reverse?

I’m a visionary; I’m ahead of my time. Trouble is, I’m only about an hour and a half ahead.

Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end?

Moanday, Tearday, Wailsday, Thumpsday, Frightday, Shatterday.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

It seems some people want an occupation that doesn’t keep them occupied.

Don’t worry about the job you don’t like. Someone else will soon have it.

One way to deflate your ego is to read the want ads in the newspapers and discover all the jobs you’re not equipped to handle.

It’s only work if somebody makes you do it.

Hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anybody who rested to death?

Parkinson’s Fourth Law: the number of people in any working group