One Hundred Second-hand Jokes

By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

This is a compilation of one hundred (generally inoffensive) jokes, some short, some long. Each joke is given a title and is numbered.

They vary in length - from very short (a couple of lines) to fairly long (thirty lines plus).

After the main body of jokes there is a section which explains each one for readers who might not have fully understood the joke.

This could be useful for readers who are not native speakers of English - or even readers from other parts of the English-speaking world where the humour of some jokes may be incomprehensible or opaque.

There is also a list of the jokes by title, and by number. Some of these sections may be more or less useful according to the format in which the book is viewed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly
• Release date: Mar 17, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301909186

Book preview

ONE HUNDRED SECOND-HAND JOKES

Copyright 2013 Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

Smashwords Edition

ISBN: 9781301909186

Front-cover Text: One Hundred Second-hand Jokes / Expertly Crafted to Appear New / Awfully good (Ebenezer J-F., Barcelona) / Ungodly awful (Groucho M., New York) / You can’t fool me (Zeppo M., New York) / ….. (Harpo M., New York) / Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

A website with books by Mr. Jackson-Firefly, which may or may not be up to date

http://www.livroy_kimkat.org

This book should not really be copied as Mr. Jackson-Firefly is at present living in rather reduced circumstances, and from his home (an abandoned Austin Seven in a remote conifer plantation) he informs us that he would prefer it if the book were purchased rather than be copied and freely distributed. With the sporadic and sparse income that his literary masterpieces will bring in he might thus enjoy from time to time an occasional packet of salted peanuts in a rural hostelry near his abode.. We appreciate your cooperation in helping Mr. Jackson-Firefly continue to eke out a (very) meagre existence as a campaigner for amusement and laughter, occasional guffaws and smiles.

The Editor.

LIST OF CONTENTS

1. INTRODUCTION (1% of the book)

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE (6% of the book)

3. CONTENTS: JOKES 801-900 ACCORDING TO NUMBER (6% of the book)

The jokes begin here:

4. ONE HUNDRED JOKES (70% of the book)

5. DON’T GET IT? THE JOKES EXPLAINED (20% of the book)

And here the book begins:

1. INTRODUCTION

This is the seventh compendium of jokes by Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly - the nom de plume, or as the French would have it, ‘pen name’) of Ezekiel Jackson-Firefly.

His first three joke books were published in April and May 2012 and the fourth and fifth and sixth in January 2013. In all this time not one of his works was sold. So Mr. Jackson-Firefly has scraped together yet another one hundred jokes, believing rather absurdly that his seventh volume will endear itself to the reading public more than the previous six.

For it is true that although his literary endeavours have been spurred on by an extraordinary desire to bring laughter to the masses this was secondary to his deluded notion that extraordinary wealth would await him once his books were published online and began floating about in the ether.

Notwithstanding, he is as usual delighted to see the publication of another volume bearing his pseudonym (or as the Greeks would have it, ‘nom de plume’). Connoisseurs of humorous writing have already protested and complaints have been sent to the Society of Joke Book Authors, of which Mr. Jackson-Firefly is not a member, to have him expelled from the Society.

For the seventh time in less than a year his shoebox is again bare. It is in this box that he deposits the scraps of paper on which he scrawls his jokes in his distinctive large Victorian copperplate hand.

He has expressed his intention though to bring out his penknife to sharpen his quill pen once again and to dip it into the pot of green ink, green being his preferred colour for his writings at present.

We look forward to receiving his plastic supermarket bag once more. One of these days we’ll come to open the office and there it will be, hanging on the door handle, containing yet another hundred jokes, and we’ll set to work copying them from the chocolate wrappers, beer mats, serviettes, old envelopes and bus timetables which he always uses for his wonderful writings.

For this seventh volume Mr. Jackson-Firefly has proposed as a title ‘One Hundred Second-hand Jokes Expertly Crafted to Appear New’ and we are sure the reader will agree how apt the title is - there are indeed a hundred jokes in the collection.

As in the other volumes, we have added a section ‘Don’t Get It?’, much against the author’s will. This explains what exactly the jokes mean, and might or might not be useful for those readers who may not have seen the humour or understood the punchline.

The section might be of some value to readers whose first language is not English. Then again, it might be of no use to anybody.

There is an eccentric numbering system for the jokes which Mr Jackson-Firefly is keen to patent. A search for the joke by adding the letter x to the joke number either at the beginning or the end should bring the reader to it instantly. Likewise, by adding the letter z at the beginning or the end the explanation of the joke might be found.

Mr Jackson-Firefly tells me he is craving some mustard on toast and a mug of greasy tea in the transport café next to this office. He insists I accompany him, so I will bid farewell to you, dear readers, until the next volume emerges.

The Editor.

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE

A FORTNIGHT x0826x

A VISIT TO THE WIZARD x0894x

ACUTE DEPRESSION x0864x

ASKING THE WAY TO THE RAILWAY STATION x0842x

AT NINE O’ CLOCK x0821x

BAKED APPLES x0893x

BEFORE THE JUDGE x0875x

BREAD WITH THE MEAL x0879x

BROWSING IN THE BOOKSHOP x0824x

CLOSING AN INCISION x0857x

DOWN THE SKI SLOPE x0892x

EXTRATERRESTRIAL INSECTS x0851x

FORECASTING THE WEATHER x0884x

GOING LIKE LIGHTNING x0859x

GOOD KING WENCESLAS x0896x

GRUBBY CLOTHES x0836x

HALF NAKED x0862x

HESITATION x0877x

HOW FAR IS IT TO NOTTINGHAM? x0848x

HOW MANY APPLES IN MY HANDS? x0827x

HOW MANY APPLES IN THE HOUSE? x0823x

I WANT A PAY RISE x0874x

I’D LIKE SOME FLOWERS x0867x

IN THE FRUIT SHOP x0825x

IN THE REFECTORY x0878x

LOOK AT THAT LAD x0832x

LOOKING AFTER THE DOG x0870x

LOOKING FOR A PHONE NUMBER x0869x

MEETING OF THE GODS x0860x

MUCK ON THE PAVEMENT x0814x

NON-BIBLICAL LANGUAGE x0804x

ON THE BEACH x0840x

OPENING A BANK ACCOUNT x0830x

PESKY FLIES x0887x

PHONING THE CASTILIAN POLICE x0872x

POOR ROVER x0816x

PROPHETIC NIGHTMARES x0812x

READING THE EYE CHART x0888x

RENTING A FLAT x0835x

SAINT JOHN x0807x

SHARING THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES x0881x

SHOPPING FOR VEGETABLES x0841x

SHORT SIGHT x0863x

STANDING ROOM ONLY x0837x

SUGAR x0889x

TABLE MANNERS x0802x

TARTAN x0873x

THE AUSTRIAN x0809x

THE AVENGER x0815x

THE BRAVE FRIEND x0813x

THE CANINE PROVERB x0819x

THE CARPENTER GIVING EVIDENCE x0829x

THE CENTENARIAN x0805x

THE CHANGING TEMPERATURE x0803x

THE CLEVER DOGS x0818x

THE CRIMINAL ON PAROLE x0852x

THE CROSSWORD CLUE x0811x

THE DISTINCTIVE HAIRCUT x0820x

THE EAVESDROP x0856x

THE FATHER’S AGE x0839x

THE FIERCE ALSATIAN x0817x

THE FIVE BOYS x0885x

THE GANGSTER AT CONFESSION x0828x

THE GENTLEMAN GANGSTER x0844x

THE GOOD SON x0831x

THE HISTORY EXAM x0846x

THE INQUISITION x0808x

THE JOB INTERVIEW AT THE POST OFFICE x0810x

THE LAMPLIGHTERS x0871x

THE LATIN CONJUGATION x0834x

THE LOST PLANE x0847x

THE MAGIC TRICKS x0890x

THE MAN WHO