One Hundred Scintillating Jokes

By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

This is a compilation of one hundred (generally inoffensive) jokes, some short, some long. Each joke is given a title and is numbered.

They vary in length - from very short (a couple of lines) to fairly long (twenty lines plus).

After the main body of jokes there is a section which explains each one for readers who might not have fully understood the joke.

This could be useful for readers who are not native speakers of English - or even readers from other parts of the English-speaking world where the humour of some jokes may be incomprehensible or opaque.

There is also a list of the jokes by title, and by number. Some of these sections may be more or less useful according to the format in which the book is viewed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly
• Release date: Apr 11, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301372249

Book preview

ONE HUNDRED SCINTILLIATING JOKES

Copyright 2013 Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

Smashwords Edition

A website with books by Mr. Jackson-Firefly, which may or may not be up to date

http://www.livroy_kimkat.org

This book should not really be copied as its author, a certain Mr. Jackson-Firefly, is at present living in straitened circumstances and he needs some cash. (He has been forced to live in a remote conifer plantation, and inhabits the rusting hulk of an abandoned Austin Seven in order to seek shelter from the ravages of the weather). From this hideaway he informs us that he would prefer it if the book were purchased rather than be copied and freely distributed. An occasional sale will allow him to hear once again what the jingle of coins sounds like and to visit a shop from time to time to buy a tin of baked beans. We appreciate your cooperation in helping Mr. Jackson-Firefly keep body and soul together and continue his campaign to induce laughter in the masses by means of his fine hand-picked jokes.

The Editor.

LIST OF CONTENTS

1. INTRODUCTION (1% of the book)

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE (6% of the book)

3. CONTENTS: JOKES 1001-1100 ACCORDING TO NUMBER (6% of the book)

The jokes begin here:

4. ONE HUNDRED JOKES (70% of the book)

5. DON’T GET IT? THE JOKES EXPLAINED (20% of the book)

And here the book begins:

1. INTRODUCTION

This is the eighth compendium of jokes by Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly, the pseudonym of Hezekiel Jackson-Firefly, which in turn is the pseudonym of Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly.

His first three joke books were published in April and May 2012 and the fourth and fifth and sixth in January 2013. The seventh emerged in March 2013. Mr. Jackson-Firefly looks back with satisfaction over this year of frenetic scribbling, and is happy to note that not one of his works was sold in all this time. (He had set out to disprove the notion that the future of publishing lies in electronic books - on the contrary he feels that a return to manuscripts written on vellum is the direction in which we should be going).

As a challenger of orthodoxies and erroneous ideas, Mr. Jackson-Firefly has also attempted to prove wrong the fixed, unbending ideas of professional humorists that there are only four hundred jokes in existence in the world, of which three are funny. Already he has published one thousand, one hundred jokes, and is convinced that there are evident elements of humour in five of these.

With this eighth volume the chances of a world joke shortage are made less and less likely, and the enrichment of Mr Jackson-Firefly becomes a more realistic possibility, notwithstanding the present slow rate of sales.

So once again there is a book of jokes bearing the prestigious double-barrelled surname of this genial author. (On the subject of his surname, we might point out that the initialism J.F., used in the main by people too lazy to say or write ‘Jackson-Firefly’, now features in the more prestigious lists of intialisms and acronyms. Although J.F. is also used to represent Justiça Federal (The Brazilian Federal Court), Junk Food (the basis of a diet for people who wish to become obese), and Jugendfeuerwehr (The German youth fire brigade), it stands only for ‘Jackson-Firefly’ for most people. Indeed, some people (not many, admittedly) believe that JFK International Airport in New York, rather than being the initials of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, is in fact ‘Jackson-Firefly’ and K, the chemical symbol for potassium).

With the advent of the new book, the detractors have already begun lodging their complaints over the publication of another one hundred jokes. Writers’ associations, book publishers and government departments have all received protests from the disgruntled. But they are in for a shock, as Mr Jackson-Firefly has already announced his intention to publish a NINTH volume., with the proposed title of One Hundred Funnyish Jokes. He tells me that for some time he has been noting down jokes, and is well on the way to finishing his new work. With the three jokes he already has, he need find only another ninety-seven.

As in the other volumes, we have added a section ‘Don’t Get It?’. This additional text does not have the author’s approval but we felt the need to explain what exactly the jokes mean. It might or might not be useful for those readers who may not have seen the humour or understood the punchline. We believe the section might be of some value to readers whose first language is not English. Then again, we also believe that the section will be of no earthly use to anybody.

There is an eccentric numbering system for the jokes which Mr Jackson-Firefly is keen to patent. A search for the joke by adding the letter x to the joke number either at the beginning or the end should bring the reader to it instantly. Likewise, by adding the letter z at the beginning or the end the explanation of the joke might be found.

Mr Jackson-Firefly tells me it is time for his breakfast. Today, at my expense, he will breakfast on a plain piece of toast followed by a quince. The quince is a particular favourite of his since it has a funny name and nobody knows what it is. As at present he drinks only rainwater, having been convinced of its health-giving and energising properties, so breakfast today might be somewhat prolonged if it doesn’t rain this morning.

The Editor

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE

A GOOD CHRISTIAN LIFE x1028x

A USELESS MEMBER OF SOCIETY x1039x

AM I VAIN? x1070x

AT THE BAKER’S SHOP x1027x

AT THE GUNSMITH’S x1080x

BALDIE x1076x

BEFORE THE MILITARY TRIBUNAL x1003x

BUSINESS ETHICS x1047x

BUYING A PARROT x1069x

COINS FOR A PHONE CALL x1096x

DINNER ON THE CRUISE SHIP x1088x

DO YOU LOVE ME? x1036x

GATHERING SNAILS x1095x

GOD’S PROFESSION x1053x

HISTORICAL x1098x

I CAN’T GET UP x1066x

IDENTIFYING THE BIRDS x1012x

IT’S MY STOMACH, DOCTOR x1026x

JOINING THE ARMY x1018x

LEG SPASMS x1091x

LIKES AND DISLIKES x1075x

LULLABIES x1045x

LUXURY x1017x

MARRIAGE GUIDANCE x1074x

MEN AND CATS x1044x

MR RILEY x1035x

MRS SMITH AND MRS JONES x1078x

NOCTURNAL ACTIVITY x1048x

NOT VERY MANY x1023x

NOTICING x1072x

ON A CORNISH BEACH x1063x

ORDERING A BOOK x1068x

PARKING AND POSTING A LETTER x1086x

POLYPHEMUS x1062x

STOPPED FOR A TRAFFIC OFFENCE x1084x

THE ACTORS’ AGENT x1090x

THE ADMIRED ARMY UNITS x1002x

THE ANGRY DRIVER x1016x

THE ARMY RECRUITS x1050x

THE BAD ESSAY x1021x

THE BIG BABY x1061x

THE BILLIONAIRE’S WIFE x1049x

THE BOYFRIEND’S JOB x1056x

THE BRAVE RECRUIT x1004x

THE CANDLES x1064x

THE CHOSEN PROFESSION x1007x

THE CHRISTIANS IN THE DESERT x1085x

THE COMB x1094x

THE CONVERSATION IN THE PARTY x1029x

THE COUNTDOWN x1100x

THE CROOK AND THE LAWYER x1087x

THE DAKOTA CHIEF IN NEW ULM x1033x

THE DIAGNOSIS x1052x

THE DIAMOND-STUDDED GOLD WATCHES x1037x

THE ELDERLY WIDOW x1065x

THE ENGAGEMENT RING x1058x

THE ESCAPE FROM PRISON x1009x

THE EXPENSIVE HAIRCUT x1079x

THE FAILING MEMORY x1060x

THE FAT MAN AT THE DOCTOR’S x1042x

THE FATHER SAYS NO x1055x

THE FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL