One Hundred Lovely Jokes

By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

This is a compilation of one hundred (generally inoffensive) jokes, some short, some long. Each joke is given a title and is numbered.

They vary in length - from very short (a couple of lines) to fairly long (thirty lines plus).

After the main body of jokes there is a section which explains each one for readers who might not have fully understood the joke.

This could be useful for readers who are not native speakers of English - or even readers from other parts of the English-speaking world where the humour of some jokes may be incomprehensible or opaque.

There is also a list of the jokes by title, and by number. Some of these sections may be more or less useful according to the format in which the book is viewed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly
• Release date: Jan 24, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301328222

Book preview

ONE HUNDRED LOVELY JOKES

Copyright 2013 Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

Smashwords Edition

ISBN: 9781301328222

Front-cover Text: One Hundred Lovely Jokes / Rave Reviews from the World’s Press! / Why doesn’t the old fool call it a day? Daily Planet (Metropolis, USA) / These ridiculous joke books should be banned. The Sunday Comet (London, England) / Not my cup of tea. Casterbridge Chronicle (Casterbridge, England) / Don’t give up the day job. New York Daily Enquirer (New Amsterdam, USA) / Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

NOTE: [The] Daily Planet (Superman); [The] Sunday Comet (Mrs McGinty's Dead by Agatha Christie); The Casterbridge Chronicle (The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy); [The] New York Daily Inquirer (Citizen Kane)

A website with books by Mr. Jackson-Firefly, which may or may not be up to date

http://www.livroy_kimkat.org

This book should not really be copied as Mr. Jackson-Firefly is living in the depths of poverty, and he informs us that he would prefer it if the book were purchased rather than be copied and freely distributed. He might thus enjoy a bowl of hot (or even cold) porridge now and then purchased with whatever sporadic and sparse income that his literary masterpieces bring in. We appreciate your cooperation in helping Mr. Jackson-Firefly continue to eke out a (very) meagre existence as a campaigner for amusement and laughter, occasional guffaws and smiles.

The Editor.

LIST OF CONTENTS

1. INTRODUCTION (1% of the book)

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE (6% of the book)

3. CONTENTS: JOKES 701-800 ACCORDING TO NUMBER (6% of the book)

The jokes begin here:

4. ONE HUNDRED JOKES (70% of the book)

5. DON’T GET IT? THE JOKES EXPLAINED (20% of the book)

1. INTRODUCTION

This is the sixth compendium of jokes by Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly (the nom de plume of Hezekiel Jackson-Firefly). His first three joke books were published in April and May 2012 and the fourth and fifth in January 2013, to the delight of himself and the horror of connoisseurs of humorous writing.

In all of 2012 nobody bought a single copy. To inflict further damage on the world of books and further revenge on the reading public, Mr. Jackson-Firefly has scraped together yet another one hundred jokes.

For the time being his cupboard is again empty. It contains not one single scrap of paper with a joke scrawled on it in Victorian copperplate hand at the moment. Doubtlessly however he’ll fill his inkwell with purple ink another time before too long and sharpen his quill pen and set to work. His quest for wealth through the publication of electronic books will not cease, even if his only consolation is to see his face pop up here and there on the websites of various booksellers who try in vain to sell his humorous writings.

On this occasion Mr. Jackson-Firefly has proposed as a title ‘One Hundred Lovely Jokes’ as, evidently, he believes them to be lovely.

As in the other collections, we have added a section ‘Don’t Get It?’ which explains the inner workings of the jokes for those readers who may not have seen the humour or understood the punchline. It might be useful to readers whose first language is not English, or then again be of no use to anybody. It was Mr. Jackson-Firefly’s idea, not mine. Who knows what he was thinking.

There is an eccentric numbering system for the jokes which Mr Jackson-Firefly is keen to patent. A search for the joke by adding the letter x to the joke number either at the beginning or the end should bring the reader to it instantly. Likewise, by adding the letter z at the beginning or the end the explanation of the joke might be found.

Mr Jackson-Firefly tells me he has nothing more to add to this introduction and has left the room to creep around the kitchen, having stated his intention of eating some crisp muffins with bitter-orange marmalade and to drink a cup of strong Assam tea.

And so, once again, I bid our dear readers farewell, The Editor.

2. CONTENTS: JOKES BY TITLE

A CAREER IN MUSIC x0752x

ADDITION x0743x

ADDRESSING THE BISHOP x0717x

AMEN x0719x

BETTING ON THE END OF THE FILM x0782x

BIRDSEED x0742x

CONFLICT IN THE YEAR 1618 x0710x

COOKING BY RECIPE x0780x

CORVUS CORONE x0711x

CROSSING NEBRASKA x0754x

DIGGING A TRENCH x0747x

DREAMING OF SUCCESS x0731x

GINGER JOE x0771x

GREEK AFFLICTIONS x0749x

HAMBURG x0704x

HOW I BECAME RICH x0757x

IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE x0708x

KING EDWARD POTATOES x0796x

LATIN FOR DOCTORS x0736x

LAZY ADOLESCENTS x0784x

LOOKING FOR SOMEONE x0746x

LOOKING FOR THE MOLE x0703x

ON THE MENU x0741x

PARENTS’ OCCUPATIONS x0786x

PEANUT MATHEMATICS x0762x

PEOPLE AT PRAYER x0718x

RESPONSIBILITY x0761x

RUBBISH DAY x0788x

SAVING MONEY x0767x

SPELLING A LONG DIFFICULT WORD x0716x

STEAM-ROLLED OATS x0778x

TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER x0794x

THE ABSENT PRESIDENT x0744x

THE ANCIENT TEACHER x0728x

THE AWFUL DREAM (NUMBER ONE) x0735x

THE AWFUL DREAM (NUMBER TWO) x0792x

THE BASS GUITARIST x0751x

THE BIRTHDAY PRESENT x0766x

THE BISCUIT DELUSION x0781x

THE BISCUIT FACTORY x0756x

THE BORING VILLAGE x0740x

THE CHEMISTRY QUESTION x0715x

THE CINEMA TICKET x0774x

THE DAWN CHORUS x0724x

THE DEAD DOG x0745x

THE DEEP PUDDLE x0800x

THE DEPRESSED DOG x0791x

THE DESERT MISSION x0733x

THE DISGUSTING SOUP x0765x

THE DOCTOR AND THE SOLICITOR x0738x

THE DOCTOR’S ADVICE x0759x

THE DOUBLE-GLAZING BILL x0705x

THE DRILL SERGEANT x0783x

THE END OF THE SOLAR SYSTEM x0772x

THE ENGLISH LITERATURE NOTES- x0729x

THE FAST SNAILS x0789x

THE FATHER’S COOKING x0777x

THE FLIGHT TO MOSCOW - 1 x0712x

THE FLIGHT TO MOSCOW - 2 x0713x

THE FOOTBALL SHIRT x0726x

THE GUILLOTINE x0701x

THE HAYCART x0795x

THE HEARING PROBLEM x0785x

THE INCOMPETENT BANK ROBBER x0776x

THE INSISTENT BEGGAR x0793x

THE KING AND THE WITCH x0734x

THE LITTLE ISLAND x0797x

THE LITTLE LAD’S TANTRUM x0714x

THE LOST BOY x0725x

THE MAN EATING A PIE x0723x

THE MEDICAL ERROR x0768x

THE MEDICAL FORM x0787x

THE MERCENARY SOLDIERS x0707x

THE MIDNIGHT VISIT TO THE CREEK x0760x

THE MISUNDERSTANDING AT THE DANCE x0798x

THE MONASTERY BELL x0722x

THE NICKNAMES x0790x

THE NOVICE COOK x0779x

THE ODD NAME x0721x

THE OLD LADY’S BIRTHDAY x0732x

THE PAPER TISSUES x0727x

THE PROFESSOR’S LECTURE TOUR x0709x

THE SHOW DOG x0755x

THE SLOW FORD ORION x0763x

THE SOLDIER’S LETTER x0769x

THE SPECIAL LIQUID x0764x

THE SPRINTER x0775x

THE STAND-IN x0753x

THE TEACHER’S JOKE x0702x

THE THREE KNIGHTS x0739x

THE TOILET REQUEST x0750x

THE TRAINEE x0737x

THE TRAMP AT THE DOOR x0770x

THE WAITING GAME x0730x

THE WEDDING THAT WENT WRONG- x0720x

THE WHITE RAT x0748x

THIS ROAD WON'T TAKE YOU THERE x0799x

VISITING AN OLD FRIEND x0706x

WHY I LOST MY JOB x0758x

ZOO SAFETY x0773x

3. CONTENTS: JOKES 701-800 ACCORDING TO NUMBER

x0701x THE GUILLOTINE

x0702x THE TEACHER’S JOKE

x0703x LOOKING FOR THE MOLE

x0704x HAMBURG

x0705x THE DOUBLE-GLAZING BILL

x0706x VISITING AN OLD FRIEND

x0707x THE MERCENARY SOLDIERS

x0708x IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE

x0709x THE PROFESSOR’S LECTURE TOUR

x0710x CONFLICT IN THE YEAR 1618

x0711x CORVUS CORONE

x0712x THE FLIGHT TO MOSCOW - 1

x0713x THE FLIGHT TO MOSCOW -