The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, Part 2

By Eric Landa

Thank you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 2. -From the F of Family to the M of Misunderstanding-
This second book contains another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

• Language: English
• Publisher: VeryTales
• Release date: Jan 24, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370267149

Eric Landa

VeryTales publishes books and stories from varies authors. We hope you'll enjoy reading their work as much as our authors loved writing it.

Book preview

The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes

part 2

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive work that comes in 3 parts, all titled The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes parts 1, 2 & 3.

Introduction

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes part 2. -From the F of Family to the M of Misunderstanding-

This second book contains another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content

5001 - 5313 Jokes on: Family

5314 - 5333 Jokes on: Farming

5334 - 5410 Jokes on: Fashion

5411 - 6202 Jokes on: Food and Drink

6203 - 6235 Jokes on: Gardening

6236 - 6275 Jokes on: Ghosts

6276 - 6356 Jokes on: Health

6357 - 6446 Jokes on: History

6447 - 6511 Jokes on: Holidays

6512 - 6816 Jokes on: Homeless

6818 - 7805 Jokes on: Internet

7806 - 8114 Jokes on: Irony

8115 - 9209 Jokes on: Joke

9210 - 9393 Jokes on: Library

9394 - 9452 Jokes on: Little Johnny

9453 - 9584 Jokes on: Lottery

9585 - 9647 Jokes on: Magic

9648 - 10000 Jokes on: Misunderstanding

#5001

My wife's like a Toyota; when she starts, she never stops. Family

#5002

I was quite nervous about teaching my 13 yr. old daughter the facts of life. We sat down and had a chat and it went really well. Now I'm really looking forward to tonight's session. It's the practical. Family

#5003

The girlfriend told me she doesn't want to speak to me or see me for a while because I didn't say anything to the bus driver who was rude to her. It seems that we're just not getting on anymore. Family

#5004

Went shopping with my other half earlier and she went to try some dresses on and wanted my opinion Do I look good in this one? She asked Nope This one? Nope and so I went on for half an hour until she finally said Surely I must look good in something? Yes I said In the dark" Family

#5005

Women have periods. Men suffer from them! Family

#5006

I'm going to put an end to female patronization. So don't any of you ladies worry your pretty little heads Family

#5007

I'm off on holiday soon with the wife and kids, though I haven't decided on the McCann’s or another Family this year. Family

#5008

I don't need omega 3 pills to taste fish all day. I've got my wife for that. Family

#5009

The beach's got everything! Sand for the kids, sun for the wife. Sharks for the mother-in-law. Family

#5010

The wife said that I never took her out for anything to eat and drink, so took her out for tea and biscuits the other day... it was her first time as a blood donor. Family

#5011

Just sitting down to play Modern Warfare now. Or visiting the in-laws for dinner over the Christmas season as others call it. Family

#5012

Top Tip for School Bullies: Pick on a Kid who lives at an Orphanage. What's the worst he can say? ''I'm gonna get my Nun on you!'' Family

#5013

When there's a will, there's a way! I used that phrase today... ...While explaining to my father why he has to live in a home. Family

#5014

I've always thought that parenting was in many ways similar to raising a dog. Which is why I’ve just left my toddler tied up outside Tesco while i do some shopping Family

#5015

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home. Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience. I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.’Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?' The voice from the back asked, Did it save time? The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.' Family

#5016

I decided to put my wife on that TV show, 'Take me out'. That is the one with the snipers yeah? Family

#5017

I and my mum share something special. Our first child. Family

#5018

Every so often, my dad invites an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman round for the evening, and I and my dad hide all the chairs. It's a standing Joke in our house. Family

#5019

I was fishing with my dad yesterday, when he told me I was adopted. I was reeling. Family

#5020

Just as a Joke I told the kids they were adopted. You should have seen their faces! I've never seen them so happy. Family

#5021

On a Sunday afternoon, me and the wife usually take a look around the dogs home. For some reason, the mother in law loves showing us around her bungalow. Family

#5022

My dad wants me to go into the Family mining business, but I'm not too keen. I think I'm above all that. Family

#5023

My doctor asked me if any of my Family suffered from insanity. I replied. NO .we all actually enjoy it. Family

#5024

The other night, I was in bed trying to sleep. A very drunk woman came stumbling into my room. I began to speak out to the woman, but my curiosity to see what the woman would do silenced me. She climbed onto my bed. I leaned up, watching this woman inch her way toward my midsection. She pulled off my covers and began to unzip my fly. She then pulled out my Raging Red Rocket and looked up at me and said, You ready for this Dan? My name is Richard. She then starts the sucking. Well, I let this go on for a minute or two...who really knows, but I started feeling a bit bad for letting this drunken broad syphon sperm on someone she didn't plan to. So I spoke up and said... Mom, your room is across the hall." Family

#5025

My daughter has recently started sleep walking. Or so the wife thinks.... Family

#5026

What's the difference between swimming and sucking? My 12 year old daughter can swim a whole length without choking. Family

#5027

She pulled her silky gusset to one side. I went in deep, deep up to my nuts in guts. She let out an almighty gasping groan.... Nan's arthritis was playing up at an inopportune time yet again. Family

#5028

I got a letter from my sons school saying he was illiterate i went mental! We got married 3 weeks before he was born Family

#5029

I wet the bed until I was 16. I didn't have a problem. I just think it’s important not to raise your parent’s expectations unnecessarily Family

#5030

My wife said I've told you a million times. You are the most forgetful man on earth. Funny, I don't remember her ever saying that. Family

#5031

The wife asked me the other night Why don't we go out any more? Apparently Your answers in the mirror isn't the answer she was looking for. Family

#5032

I can imagine the Family portraits in the Where’s Wally household are pretty interesting. Probably just a photo of a couch and a lamp. Family

#5033

I and the wife were going on holiday for a week. When we were packing she turned to me and said Why don't we pack each other's suit cases? I said Okay sounds fun. When we got ourselves checked into the hotel we were staying at, I opened my suitcase to find 3 pairs of speedos, a few tank tops and 2 pairs of sandals. Very funny I said. My wife opened hers to find a one way ticket back to England. Family

#5034

I used to get a lot of sun stroke... Until my Dad died. Family

#5035

They say no pain no gain... Didn't work when my Uncle lost his leg... Family

#5036

Your mum's so fat she can walk through walls. She's like a wrecking ball. Family

#5037

I was named after my father - That Guy from the Bar Family

#5038

As I checked in at Heathrow Terminal 5, I was told that I would have to pay excess baggage costs. I knew I shouldn't have brought the wife. Family

#5039

I'm better than my Family at everything. They'd think I was really arrogant if I wasn't so good at being modest. Family

#5040

My father always made me live out his broken dreams by signing me up to all sorts of sports teams. I actually like to think I made him quite proud. After all, I did fail them all just like him. Family

#5041

I handed my mother in law a bouquet of flowers and said These made me think of you. They're lovely, she said What are they? Snapdragons I replied. Family

#5042

My dad has taken to punishing my by removing my Internet privileges I hope he likes bodily fluids in his coffee. Family

#5043

Men want 3 things in a woman: An artist in the home, an economist in the kitchen and a devil in bed. What they actually get is: A devil in the home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed! Family

#5044

Did you know that 8 out of 10 kids aren't getting enough protein in their diet? And did you know that the other 2 in my room are getting plenty? Family

#5045

Our Family were so poor when I was a child, my brother and I had to share everything. Mind you, you should see how quick I am on one roller skate. Family

#5046

How do you know when a Family get together has gone too far? You can confirm your Mums a squirted. Family

#5047

My mother's sister is a cleaner. Aunty Bacterial Family

#5048

A young boy was just being potty trained. When he went into the bathroom though, Tommy managed to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum had to go in and clean up after him. This went on for a further two weeks. His mother found this most annoying and she'd had enough. The next day she took young Tommy to the doctors. After the examination the Doctor said 'his unit is too small. An old wives tale is to give him two slices of toast every morning, and his unit will eventually grow so he can hold it straight and pee with precision.' 'oh thank you so much doctor we'll see I'd that works!' said the mother. The next morning, Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table were twelve slices of toast. 'Mum!' he yelled. 'The doctor said only two slices!' 'I know Tommy' said his mother. 'The other ten are for your Father.' Family

#5049

I decided that I would take control of my life... ..But my wife says that I can't. Family

#5050

I went to meet my girlfriend's Family today. Nice to meet you Dave, my girlfriends sister smiled. I've heard lots about you. Likewise, I replied. How’s the Gonorrhea?" Family

#5051

It's the Stone Age. A caveman's wife comes running up, screaming: Ugg! Ugg! A saber-toothed tiger has just walked into my mother's cave! Ugg is unimpressed: Stupid tiger. It'll just have to fight its own way out, won't it?" Family

#5052

A man walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at a funeral. As he began to weep his wife walked up to him, slapped him and said, Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway! The husband replied, I know. I thought I saw her move." Family

#5053

Experts say that the Box Jellyfish is the most venomous thing on the planet. They obviously didn't interview my mother-in-law for the position. Family

#5054

I was sat on the top floor of a double decker bus with my wife and my 5 year old son. I said look Jakey, we're bigger than everyone up here. Not bigger than Mummy though are we Dad He replied I looked at him and then turned to my wife. I’ve never been so proud and ashamed at the same time. Family

#5055

Talking to my unsupportive dad the other day, he said Do you know what the best thing about being your father is? and with high hopes of getting praise for the first time I excitedly said what dad? Going to work he replied Family

#5056

The wife told me she is leaving me, and an hour later she caught me in floods of tears! She said she is really sorry to do this to me! What she didn't realize is that I popped the champagne cork straight into my eyes! Now let's start celebrating! Family

#5057

Father: You look a lot better now after the accident. Son: What accident? Father When you were born." Family

#5058

I called my dad into my room to fix my computer for the fifth time today. This just isn't on! he snapped, flicking the power switch. Family

#5059

My wife and son died last year in a vicious shark attack. I wish I could have been there to save them, but I was a faster swimmer. Family

#5060

As my cat burglar father used to say As one door closes, another third story window opens" Family

#5061

I always hate the risk of coming on to one of your best friends. You never know if it's going to work out or just end up awkward between you and inevitably ruin the friendship. That's why it's such a special moment when they tell you you're like a brother to them, because then you know it's ok to go for it. Family

#5062

I was in the shower this morning and noticed on my shampoo bottle that it bragged 'Bigger size, better value!' Shame it doesn't work that way with the wife. Family

#5063

Sorry, you have the wrong number Sorry, you have the wrong number Sorry... ..You would think after the 57th time your parents would get the message Family

#5064

My mother told me not to talk to strange men. Since I found out he collects bottle tops I've not said a word to my dad. Family

#5065

My dad was a dustman. Then someone sneezed. Family

#5066

I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said 'Can I swap for a Swedish wife please? Family

#5067

At times like these I look back to what my late uncle would always say Sorry, I missed my bus Family

#5068

An eerie thing is causing my close relatives to send me badly written letters. Whatever it is, it makes my kin scrawl. Family

#5069

I recently rediscovered my youth. Decomposing in the Cellar. Family

#5070

Walking down the road with my elderly father, I saw a stray dog walking in our direction. I petted him and allowed him to walk along with us. You know, I said I've always wanted a dog. Well son said my dad my asthma, I can't live with a dog! That's true I said. I thought to myself I'll find him a good home. Golden Years Retirement Complex is just around the corner. Family

#5071

The missus has finally given me something that I have wanted since our first night together her absence Family

#5072

Why is your mum like a pub in Portsmouth? Because she's crammed full of seamen. Family

#5073

My 11 yr. old daughter is having a friend stay over tonight. Whatever the outcome is I will wake up in the morning with a big smile on my face knowing that I will have had my first ever threesome. Family

#5074

The upside of my divorce and remarriage in my 40's? A pair of my teenage stepdaughter's used panties to sniff each day. Family

#5075

I and My Girlfriend have decided that we don't want to have children. If anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.... Family

#507

My little girl came up to me today with an intent expression on her face and said: Daddy, why did you name me Angel? I sat her on my knee and explained to her: Listen sweetie-pie, my policy as a father has always been to give my children names that reflect how I feel about them. She beamed at me. Now take the prodding stick down to the cellar and check if Accident and Flesh waste are still alive." Family

#5077

My mother in law had a fatal heart attack this morning. There’s nothing better than waking up to good news. Family

#5078

I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse. Family

#5079

I think it’s funny when I throw my kids in the pool. My wife disagrees with me though. She says I should put some water in. Family

#5080

I've made quite a few mistakes in my life. The Child Support Agency kindly send me letters to remind me. Family

#5081

My sister asked me if I’d liked to come with her, I got all excited until I realized she was holding the car keys Family

#5082

Manchester City midfielder Shawn Wright Phillips has been put on the transfer list today, Madonna is said to be interested Family

#5083

My kids are like my Jokes. Every time I have a new one, it gets removed. Family

#5084

I was at the self-checkout at supermarket today when a message popped up which read Could you do with one less bag?. Yes, I thought, but unfortunately she's my mother-in-law. Family

#5085

I received a phone call on my mobile from my son's school teacher today. Your son hasn't turned up for school for over a week, he exclaimed. Well, speak to his Gran, I snapped. I'm in prison! What about his mother? he replied. Why do you think I'm in prison?" Family

#5086

Every woman has something beautiful. In my wife's case it's her younger sister. Family

#5087

Why is your mum so fat? Every time she swallows, I buy her a cake. Family

#5088

I was just watching my mum masturbating. She was asleep ...... Family

#5089

Your mamma's so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed the whole first season of Lost. Family

#5090

My Dad was a man of very few words, one day he said to me Son... Family

#5091

Me and the wife had a play fight this morning. She threw hamlet but my Tempest really knocked her for six Family

#5092

My wife and my life are quite similar. I know one day they're going to leave me but they would never have the courage to do it when I'm awake. Family

#5093

When I was a little boy, my parents used to move and change houses a lot. Though I would find them again. Family

#5094

Do you like my watch? My grandfather sold it to me on his death bed. I gave him a cheque. Family

#5095

Now that I'm married, I keep a photo of my Family where I used to keep my money when I was single. Family

#5096

Can't believe, I've just been thrown out of my Mother-in laws funeral. Apparently, hiring an 18 piece Steel Band is disrespectful! Family

#5097

My wife and kids are my heart and soul. They're slowly being destroyed through my alcoholism and heroin addiction. Family

#5098

I've received terrible news that my teenage daughter's been knocked down in a car accident. Surgeons have spent hours operating on her and say she'll pull through but due to internal injuries she'll never be able to have children. So on the Brightside, I won't have to use condoms anymore. Family

#5099

My wife reckons I don't treat my ginger stepson fairly: I can't believe you won't let him come on holiday with us she said He's always wanted to go to Disneyland I don't care, he always spoils Holidays for his brother and sister I replied. Why should we let him ruin this one too? Because he'll be dead in two months and the Make-A-Wish Foundation said the holiday was for him." Family

#5100

I fear the moment that the world as we know it changes, the moment that makes you a different person. Your mum added you as a friend to Facebook. Family

#5101

People question my parenting skills, but I think my son is like a ray of sunshine. I try and stay out of direct contact with him. Family

#5102

The kids have emphatically said they don't want me to help them with their homework, because I'm always getting things slightly wrong ... I said.’OK, fine. But remember what goes around, comes down' Family

#5103

My wife told me she is sick of me constantly putting her mother down. I told her that her mother should improve her MMA skills then Family

#5104

Apparently my wife wants to divorce me because of my appearance. I haven't shown up in two years. Family

#5105

'In many things, being first is very important & can give you an advantage.' I told my young son 'Aardvark' earlier. Family

#5106

After the christening of his baby brother, little Jack cried all the way to the car. Why are you crying, Jack? asked his father. Because the vicar said he wanted us to grow up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and mum, sobbed Jack. Family

#5107

The last few weeks have been brilliant spending time with my wife and children but it was difficult explaining that daddy will soon be gone and won’t be around very much. But come on football season is about to resume. Family

#5108

My wife just asked me what I would do if she was kidnapped. I asked her if she'd ever seen that Liam Neason film ‘taken’. ..... I told her I’d watch that. Family

#5109

What bounces and makes kids cry? Gary Glitter on a pogo stick. Family

#5110

I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago. But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us. Family

#5111

I like Trains. Because one killed my Wife Family

#5112

I've been seeing a lot of my Family recently. I must have watched twenty episodes and not laughed once. Family

#5113

Both my granddads are completely different from each other. I call my mum's father Early Granddad because no matter where we go or what we do he is always the first one there. I call my dad's father Late Granddad because he's dead. Family

#5114

I have just made my daughter a puppet using nothing but my bare hand. Family

#5115

BBC News: 'Call for Children's Fitness Tests' If it means my daughter having even more stamina then I’m all for it. Family

#5116

What’s worse than your wife not being tight? Your daughter not being tight. Family

#5117

My wife is a travel agent for guilt trips. Family

#5118

Q. If men have 'Family jewels' what do women have?? A. 'Jewelry boxes' Family

#5119

Took the missus for an Italian the other night and after consulting the menu she ordered the page one. That’s Page 1 you daft cow I said Family

#5120

I bought a park bench to remember our dear little daughter. It didn't work, I still forgot to fetch her from school. Family

#5121

Those who say that there is nothing to fear but fear itself obviously have never had 4 missed calls from their mum. Family

#5122

I was told earlier today that I’m impossible to please I must say, i wasn't very happy after hearing that Family

#5123

I and my identical twin were separated at birth and I haven't seen him since. I've often thought about trying to find him... ...But I wouldn't know where to start, or what he looks like now. Family

#5124

I'm often accused of being a compulsive liar, so let's get a few things straight. My grandfather stormed the beaches of Normandy and was decorated after the war. My other grandfather started a small business in London that's now a multi-million pound company. My other grandfather... Family

#5125

I and my brother decided to have a sword fight. Let's just say he's my half-brother now. Family

#5126

I love going to bed with my wife knowing that when I wake up I get to hear those three Magical words every man loves to hear in the morning; ''Here's your tea' Family

#5127

I've recently been on one of those 'fly-drive' Holidays with the Family. The wife kept flying off the handle and the kids drove me up the wall. Family

#5128

I just joined a group on Facebook that was called KIDS v CANCER, it would seem that writing I’m putting all my money on cancer on the message board is not the best to get friends. Family

#5129

Just informed my friends that i scored with an older woman! Everyone thinks I’m the man!!! now :) Thanks gran, i owe you one ;) Family

#5130

We had visitors at dinner time. It was time for them to leave when our daughter Sharon offered to lead us in prayer; Dear God, I thank you for giving me such lovable parents, Thank you for the visitors and their children who ate all my cookies and ice-cream. Bless them so that they shall never have to come to our home for supper. Forgive the boy who was wrestling with my sister on her bed and the naughty girl for eating sausage on my brother's pants as he slept on the settee, and this winter please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies in Daddy's Cell phone,

& build shelter to the Homeless men who sleep with mum when dad is at work ...Amen." Family

#5131

I gave my girlfriend the earth, then she asked me for the stars. She got them as soon as I gave her a right hook. Family

#5132

If I become my parents, I'll be an alcoholic blonde running around chasing after twenty year old men.....or I'll become my mom. Family

#5133

Why do parents always take their children to the supermarket to smack them? Family

#5134

Old people, bless them. My great grandfather had a fight at his allotment the other day. I went up to sort it out, but the next day it was forgotten about. Family

#5135

My dad told me that the quiet times with the one you love is what makes you happiest. He's always smiling at mum’s grave. Family

#5136

Watching The Nightmare before Christmas has become a tradition for our Family at this time of the year. I hate having a meal at the in-laws. Family

#5137

My friend just phoned me to say he accidentally shot his wife in the knee and wanted to know what he should do... I told him Aim Higher" Family

#5138

As I've aged, every time I look in the mirror I see my dad more and more. I think I should move out, it's starting to get weird. Family

#5139

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter, said one. No! He agreed to marry MY daughter, said the other. And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence. Bring me my biggest sword, said Solomon, and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half. Sounds good to me, said the first lady. But the other woman said, Oh sure, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him. The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter. But she was willing to hew him in two! exclaimed the king's court. Indeed, said wise King Solomon. That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law." Family

#5140

I asked my mum who my real dad was. She just said; Some soldiers. Family

#5141

I recently went down with the missus to trade her car in and was outraged to only be offered 300 based upon the state of the bodywork, flaps hanging off and a knackered back box. On a positive note I got 2.5k back on the car. Family

#5142

Whenever I tell my wife that we're leaving, I always say Let's bounce. Not because I think it sounds better than Let's move. I just like to remind her that she doesn't have any legs. Family

#5143

My wife couldn't breast feed when she gave birth to our daughter, so I let her suckle off our Labrador which had just had a litter of pups. Now here we are sixteen years later and there's nothing wrong with her..... Though in all honesty she is a bit of a dog ... Family

#5144

Our child kicked my wife so I smacked him hard. My wife says I over reacted and that it's common during pregnancy. Family

#5145

I want to buy some land to raise some sheep and cows and pigs. so I went to an estate agents called Anemo. Everyone knows An Emo Sell Farms Family

#5146

I've wanted to run away from home recently because no one understands me. I hate my kids. Family

#5147

My parents lied to me a lot when I was a boy. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, stop crying and we'll let you out of the box..... Family

#5148

My dad walked through the door this morning I told him to use the handle next time. Family

#5149

I said to my son, Sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday, but on a totally un-related subject, you're adopted. Family

#5150

Worthers original... A creamy golden reminder that granddad’s dead Family

#5151

David Cameron has pledged to help White Families adopt Black Babies more quickly...Or Madonna's Law as it will be more commonly known Family

#5152

I felt awful after hearing my ex-girlfriend had been killed in a horrific car accident. I might never get my Rocky V dvd back. Family

#5153

My son said If I grow up to be half of the man you are, I'd be happy! earlier. I then realized he was talking to his mother. Family

#5154

My young daughter saw some women trying different perfumes. She came to me and said I want to smell like a grown up woman. So I killed her goldfish and put it in her knickers. Family

#5155

My wife told me her mother was coming over and asked me to be nice to her. ‘I’m always nice!' I protested. 'What about last week when she asked if you would get her a drink of water?' She asked. 'Did I not get her a drink of water?' I asked in reply. 'Yes.' She said, 'In a dog bowl, which you put on the floor in front of her.' Family

#5156

My mother-in-law says I'm effeminate. I suppose, next to her, I am. Family

#5157

I'm going to call my new-born son Names, so that name-calling isn't a problem when he's older. Family

#5158

My wife left me today, because of my inability to react appropriately in situations. So I went shopping. Family

#5159

My daughter is so much like my late wife. Never on time Family

#5160

I got a phone call from the hospital today. Dad, you better come down here quick, my son cried. Mum's going to die. Oh no, I panicked. Who's going to look after you?" Family

#5161

My wife is missing for almost 2 weeks now and the police warned me that I should prepare myself for the worst case scenario So I went back to the second hand store where I sold all of her clothing and bought it all back... Family

#5162

I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. Not a good thing to hear from your dad. Unless, of course, your dad is Dr. Bruce Banner." Family

#5163

A religious nut I know told me that my idle thumbs are the Devil's playthings. I guess my uncle was the Devil then. Family

#5164

Whilst in bed my wife said she knows I’ve been cheating with the girl next door. I was relieved when she made it clear that she was talking about my next door neighbours, not my daughter in the next room. Family

#5165

I'm really worried because my 13 year old daughter claims to have slept with 'countless' men. What sort of 13 year old can't count to 107? Family

#5166

With so many unwanted cats and dogs roaming the streets... I won't bother with a turkey this Christmas. Family

#5167

Saw some Ginger Siamese twins today and funny I thought they both looked a bit like Raoul Moat Then I couldn't help but think to myself that 2 heads are better than none. Family

#5168

You should have seen the misses face when I told her I was into domestic violence. Bruised. Family

#5169

I treat my radiator and daughter the same. I bleed them regularly. Family

#5170

My wife and I recently adopted a beautiful little ginger. We had a choice but he was easily the cutest. It's ok, it's a kitten. Family

#5171

It’s weird how so many people I meet know I’m Bob's nephew Family

#5172

I've told my son that I have put 250 000 into a trust fund to be released to him at the time of my death. That way I know that I won't be there to see his disappointment when he realizes that I'm a bad father. Family

#5173

The doctor told us that my wife only had days to live. I began to get really worried for our children. It was going to be a nightmare finding foster parents at such short notice. Family

#5174

If I ever have more kids in my household than adults I'll explain to them about democracy. I'll say that the majority group in the house gets to decide things: what food we buy, where we go to have fun and what TV. channel. Once they're excited that they'll be able to always take the majority I'll point out they're not old enough to vote. Family

#5175

My mother in law was kicked by my horse, she dies from the injury. There are lots of people at the funeral, even from other towns as well. My friend asked me surprisingly if my mother in law was loved by so many people. No, I replied. They all wanna buy my horse... Family

#5176

Bought the wife a new washing machine made in India ....a stone. Family

#5177

My missus says I'm immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk... Ha! Like that's gonna happen in the middle of conker season Family

#5178

I can't count the amount of cousins I've slept with on my hands... I can on my toes, though. Family

#5179

Staying at a B&B there’s that awkward feeling, you’re in somebody's home, like your mates house, his parents are there... but he's dead. Family

#5180

Apparently when my mum asked where I was taking her for her birthday, an old people’s home wasn’t the answer she was hoping for. Family

#5181

I refuse to drive my children everywhere and insist they either cycle or walk. While this has made sure they aren't overweight, the trip to the lion enclosure at Longleaf was a bit of a disaster. Family

#5182

Just got back from my Mum's cremation. I'm glad that's all done and dusted Family

#5183

I binned the Mrs. the other day. Just a bit worried she might start to smell before the next collection. Especially with the bank holiday. Family

#5184

Judging by the way my dad reacted when I arrived home stoned last night, he meant something totally different when he said Son, get out there and live the high life Family

#5185

My mother had a go at me for never visiting her. At least I think it was my mother. Family

#5186

What’s the difference between my wife and a grittier? Doubt my wife will be spreading tonight. Family

#5187

My father got up and announced that he was engaged to be married yesterday. I was made up for him, but my sister broke down in tears and ran off, missing the rest of our mother's funeral. Family

#5188

When my daughter announced that she was getting married I knew I had to come clean. She was rather upset after I'd told her that I wasn't her real dad. But at least I managed to avoid the tradition of the bride's father paying for the wedding. Family

#5189

Where would I be without my mother? Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger. Family

#5190

My uncle died the other day, broke his neck. He was leaving Asda and tripped over a 'bag for life' Family

#5191

My parents badly abused me when I was a child. They gave me toys to play with, food to eat and a nice cozy bed. I don’t think they understood what abuse involves. Family

#5192

My new neighbours came up to me today and said, Alright mate, nice to meet you I said Hi nice to meet you too He asked Mate, do you know when the dustbin men come? so I replied Yeah Tuesday why? He said well my wife's body is starting to stink up the car....." Family

#5193

My girlfriend surprised me as I walked into the living room, she held up her card and offered me two lines. I wish I hadn't rolled up a tenner as fast as I had... Stupid Lottery. Family

#5194

Had my wife reminded me of condoms, my daughter wouldn't be expecting a baby. Family

#5195

Making children is for people that can't afford a dog Family

#5196

3 kids and another baby on the way with my wife of 14 years. This is the life..... ....I’m running away from Family

#5197

I took the wife for a walk in the local park this morning, you should have seen the filthy looks I was getting from the public. Not sure what their problem was.... she was wearing a muzzle and I never let her off the leash. Family

#5198

You know you have no social life when your 70 year old mother gets more texts then you. It's even worse when she hasn't had a working mobile for 3 years. Family

#5199

I was quite disturbed the other day whilst staying over at my grandparents. They gave me a kiss and a cuddle and went upstairs to get some sleep. The thing that disturbed me was the shouting of Shake it David shake it. Family

#5200

The missus is dragging me to see the in-laws tomorrow. A special forces rescue team would be appreciated...though preferably not an American one Family

#5201

The wife got dressed up for trick or treating last night, she looked better than she has for