The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes, Part 3

By Eric Landa

Thank you for downloading this book “The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes” part 3. -From the M of Modern-Life to the W of Wordplay-
This third and last book contains yet another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

• Language: English
• Publisher: VeryTales
• Release date: Jan 29, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370401567

Eric Landa

VeryTales publishes books and stories from varies authors. We hope you'll enjoy reading their work as much as our authors loved writing it.

Book preview

The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes

part 3

Copyright 2016 Eric Landa

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition

Copyright © 2016 Eric Landa. All rights reserved

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. This book is a Work of fiction. People, places, events and situations are the product of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or historical events, is purely coincidental. This document is geared towards providing exact and reliable information in regards to the topic and issue covered. The publication is sold with the idea that the publisher is not required to render accounting, officially permitted, or otherwise, qualified services. If Advice is necessary, legal or professional, a practiced individual in the profession should be ordered. From a Declaration of Principles which was accepted and approved equally by a Committee of the American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations. In no way is it legal to reproduce, duplicate, or transmit any part of this document in either electronic means or in printed format. Recording of this publication is strictly prohibited and any storage of this document is not allowed unless with written permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The information provided herein is stated to be truthful and consistent, in that any liability, in terms of inattention or otherwise, by any usage or abuse of any policies, processes, or directions contained within is the solitary and utter responsibility of the recipient reader. Under no circumstances will any legal responsibility or blame be held against the publisher for any reparation, damages, or monetary loss due to the information herein, either directly or indirectly. Respective authors own all copyrights not held by the publisher. The information herein is offered for informational purposes solely, and is universal as so. The presentation of the information is without contract or any type of guarantee assurance. The trademarks that are used are without any consent, and the publication of the trademark is without permission or backing by the trademark owner. All trademarks and brands within this book are for clarifying purposes only and are the owned by the owners themselves, not affiliated with this document. The contents of this book has been compiled from all over the place but since these quote are the Work of many others but myself, I will make this ‘book’ available as a free downloadable eBook via my website and via all major retailers. There will never be any charges for this extensive Work that comes in 3 parts, all titled The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes parts 1, 2 & 3.

Introduction

I want to thank you and congratulate you for downloading this book The Funniest Five Thousand Jokes part 3. -From the M of Modern-Life to the W of Wordplay-

This third and last book contains yet another five thousand jokes from a variety of sources from both famous and ordinary people. Hopefully they’ll bring a smile to your face, a grin to your mouth and maybe sometimes make your fingers scratch your head every now and then.

Thank you for downloading this book, I hope you’ll enjoy it!

Eric Landa (www.ericlanda.com)

Table of Content

10001 - 10047 Jokes on: Modern-Life

10048 - 10123 Jokes on: Money

10124 - 10180 Jokes on: Mythical

10181 - 10204 Jokes on: Neighbors

10205 - 10312 Jokes on: One-Liner

10313 - 10510 Jokes on: Puns

10511 - 10538 Jokes on: Work

10539 - 10569 Jokes on: Time

10570 - 10593 Jokes on: Superstitions

10594 - 10599 Jokes on: Statistics

10600 - 10622 Jokes on: Social Networks

10623 - 10660 Jokes on: Shopping

10661 - 10759 Jokes on: Science

10760 - 10937 Jokes on: School

10938 - 11090 Jokes on: Sayings

11091 - 11210 Jokes on: Sarcasm

11211 - 11347 Jokes on: Stupid

11348 - 15000 Jokes on: Wordplay

#10001

I went to the cemetery to look for my name on tombstones. It's the Goth version of Googling yourself. Modern-Life

#10002

Life is a struggle. Humans are constantly creating technology that is more idiot proof, the universe is constantly creating better idiots. Thus, far the universe is winning. Modern-Life

#10003

Guarantee waking up early by not eating the night before. Modern-Life

#10004

I never trust people who smoke... I'm worried they'll lead me ashtray. Modern-Life

#10005

Today my son taught me some of the math’s he is being taught at School... I think it's safe to say that I have learnt from my mistakes. Modern-Life

#10006

A woman would ask, Does this bag match these shoes? While a man would ask, Does my left shoe match my right shoe?" Modern-Life

#10007

Behind every good man, there's a woman, rolling her eyes. Modern-Life

#10008

Bring chess into the 21st century by desegregating the black and white pieces sitting in either side. Modern-Life

#10009

Surely this carbon footprint offset malarkey should Work both ways? From now on when I send an email I'm going to scruple a piece of paper up and throw it in the bin. Just doing my bit. Modern-Life

#10010

I was in an interview and the guy told me he didn't think I was very 'employable'. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my second can of Special Brew. Modern-Life

#10011

Nothing says I'm on the minimum wage like sitting in McDonald's with a high viz jacket on. Modern-Life

#10012

Decided to have Botox on Xmas eve.. that way no one will know how much I hate the presents they've bought me Modern-Life

#10013

Just shaved me head, rolled up the Levi's, zipped up me bomber jacket and laced up me cherry red Dr Martin boots ready for some aggro.... Now Mother says I'm not allowed out"

SomeTimes I don't know why I bovver..." Modern-Life

#10014

I decided that I needed to do something to get me out of the house. So I became a tramp. Modern-Life

#10015

Just when I thought turning off my wife's life support was the hardest thing ever, a new Angry Birds update comes out. Modern-Life

#10016

Having a wife and as of yet, an unborn child. There really is no place like home. Which is why I stay in the pub. Modern-Life

#10017

My mate said, We still haven't decided on a name for the baby yet. These things shouldn't be rushed. I said, I can certainly understand why you don't want to rush this 'Englebert'." Modern-Life

#10018

Can't wait to tell my girlfriend that despite what she keeps telling me, it turns out I can do more than one thing at a Time. One was blonde and the other a brunette. Modern-Life

#10019

Cash Converters: The modern-day Robin Hood. Modern-Life

#10020

EveryTime I almost think humanity will be Okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes. Modern-Life

#10021

When I see an article that shows a celebrity wearing the same outfit twice, I get furious and blow up a hospital Modern-Life

#10022

Walked past a bin yesterday it said blue fish only swim in shark infested waters in the winter snow It was talking rubbish Modern-Life

#10023

This begging in the 21st century is getting ridiculous. Kid came up to me today with an electric cigarette & said Got a spare battery mate?" Modern-Life

#10024

I said to my Girlfriend today It's not Halloween anymore, you can take that ugly mask off".

She replied, I was never wearing a mask. I'm single now." Modern-Life

#10025

And yea verily, God declared, as was his usual manner of speech. Unto the shops, the males may descend, as it be the eve of Christmas, to venture forth and purchase vast array of unwanted gifts for their Female spouse. And descend they did, with the dole burning a hole in their pockets, and this being one of two days where they must spend around 22.99 of it on low end goods, and not Booze and Ciggies. The other of course being Valentine’s Day." Modern-Life

#10026

My closest relationship is with my blackberry... thank god it vibrates Modern-Life

#10027

"The wife is away for the evening so it's Time for me to dig out my 'special' DVD collection.

Die Hard and Crocodile Dundee." Modern-Life

#10028

My wife is an awful lot like my alarm clock, When I hit her, she stops making noise. Modern-Life

#10029

I've been invited to my mate Kyles wedding this weekend, and as I'm a single bloke, I'm going to be hiring an escort to go with. I can't wait to see how many bridesmaids I'm gonna pull when I roll up outside the church in it. Modern-Life

#10030

There was never supposed to be a lowercase I in front of the Pod, but Apple couldn't figure out how to stop autocorrect putting it there. Modern-Life

#10031

I've just found out the best way to remember my wedding anniversary. Simply forget it ONCE! Modern-Life

#10032

After months of killing myself in the gym I emailed a photo of my new body to my girlfriend's iPhone. She replied stating she was unable to view it. Turns out the definition wasn't high enough. Modern-Life

#10033

Breaking a car window to steal CDs is the Old-School way to download music. Modern-Life

#10034

My wife ran out of baked beans today so we had to make do with alphabetic spaghetti, I said I wouldn't enjoy it but I had to eat my words. Modern-Life

#10035

I was in the pub late last night, when I said to my mate I can see it being very frosty in the morning. How can you tell that? he asked. Simple really I replied. I told my wife I would be home hours ago." Modern-Life

#10036

Luton - A place where your labelled posh for being a window cleaner. Modern-Life

#10037

I've just moved into a converted pig sty. It was a really nice place before I arrived. Modern-Life

#10038

What do you call a man that likes savory snacks? Scott Chegg Modern-Life

#10039

I'm going through a drink and drugs nightmare.My dealers gone AWOL and the local off-licence has closed down. Modern-Life

#10040

"As I lay there in the road with bits of my body spread all around me, I offered up a silent prayer for death to take me and for the agonizing pain to stop. I couldn't believe it when I heard a reply;

Welcome to Heaven Blissfully, I said, I'm ready to be taken now. I've always been a firm believe, All of our angels are busy helping other customers at the moment. Your death is important to us and is being held in a que. Please wait patiently Modern-Life

#10041

Just heard that announcement in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't trust. bit late now I left my luggage with the McCann’s an hour ago and have not seen it since Modern-Life

#10042

Bring back hanging before another tragedy hits home. Get rid of her Timesaving tumble drier and make your woman peg clothes on the washing line. Modern-Life

#10043

Of course it's fun Working in a shoe shop. . but behind the glittering, glamorous facade it's just the same as any other form of slow death. Modern-Life

#10044

Saw a crying kid in the street, so I asked him what was wrong. He said I'm lost! I asked Do you know your address? He replied [e-mail]" Modern-Life

#10045

They say music is the language of spirits. So, next Time your bank keeps you hanging on the phone, they're probably taking you for a medium. Modern-Life

#10046

So Apple are yet again moaning that someone has an apple in their logo. So what next? Take Granny Smith to court? Modern-Life

#10047

Putting on ice skates, the closest thing to walking in high heels a man can get. Modern-Life

#10048

Okay, that'll be 20p, said the cashier as he scanned my Freddo. What!? I shouted. But it says 10p on the wrapper? Yes, I know it says that on it, but it is actually 20. Fine, I said, as I begrudgingly handed him the cash. Ummm, excuse me sir, the man slid the coin back across the counter. You've handed me a ten pence piece. Yes, I know it says 10p on it but it is actually 20. Money

#10049

My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the 'LOL' was necessary. Money

#10050

My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each. Money

#10051

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious. You probably saved my life, says the grateful Arab. I am a member of the SaudI Royal Family and I have the power and Money to give you anything you desire as a reward. The golfer glances at his golf bag. Some golf clubs would be nice," he says.

Two weeks later, the Sheikh's secretary calls him up. We've got your golf clubs, she says, but the Sheikh would like to apologise to you in advance: only three of them have swimming pools. Money

#10052

"My mate introduced me to a Money-Making Scheme that 100% guarantees payout.

It's called a Job." Money

#10053

We're so skint that I had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys to help pay for Christmas. If things get any worse, I might have to cancel Sky Sports. Money

#10054

I tape popcorn to the ceiling. It's cheaper than a smoke alarm. Money

#10055

If I had a pound for every Time a homeless person asked me If I had a pound. I'd probably break even. Money

#10056

America has reached a total national debt of 14.3 Trillion. They only asked Wonga for 200 until the end of the month. Money

#10057

They say Money is the root of all evil, which is why I'm doing my bit for Africa by not sending any. They've got enough problems as it is. Money

#10058

NatWest have installed the first ever cash machine in a tree in Epping Forest. If it proves successful, they might open them in other branches. Money

#10059

"I won $2 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $ 1,999,999.75." Money

#10060

There was a man who had Worked all his life, had saved all of his Money, and was a real miser when it came to his Money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, When I die, I want you to take all my Money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my Money to the afterlife with me. And so, he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the Money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, Wait just a moment! She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that Money in there with your husband. The loyal wife replied, Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that Money into the casket with him. You mean to tell me you put that Money in the casket with him? I sure did, said the wife. I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque... If he can cash it, then he can spend it." Money

#10061

"My wife told me if she ever won the Lottery she wouldn't give me a penny and she'd move out of the country. Little does she know I've been using the same numbers as her for 5 years.

That'll wipe the smile off her fat face" Money

#10062

I've got some reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I won't be able to afford it. Money

#10063

A new report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs. Another report found that the U.K spends more than 1 billion on redundant government programs Money

#10064

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much Money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor. Money

#10065

A man complains to his wife saying, We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes! And she says Money

#10066

My mate asked, What would you do if you had Richard Branson's Money? I said, Probably spend it before he noticed it was missing." Money

#10067

"Do Americanisms lose something and sound less cool when you use them in England?

Well, that's the 652,848 question." Money

#10068

If I ever win the lottery, all of my Neighbors are going to be so rich! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood. Money

#10069

Math for Dummies! Ten pounds, or three for thirty-five quid! Money

#10070

A beggar asked me for 50P for a sandwich. I said, First let me see the sandwich. Money

#10071

"My wife says I only married her because her dad left her loads of Money in his will.

She's wrong. I don't care where she got all her Money from." Money

#10072

I'm not a big fan of Formula 1. If I wanted to drive round and round aimlessly for obscene amounts of Money, I'd have become a London cabbie. Money

#10073

I invested $1000 in some American shares. It made a lot of cents. Money

#10074

France are set to be the latest country to be troubled financially, due to the large payout the referee is set to receive. Money

#10075

My family are really poor. On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror. Money

#10076

I went to see my bank manager and he said that I am going to have to pay interest. I tried, but it was so boring. Money

#10077

I took my daughter to School today in my clapped-out old Fiesta. Looks like I got lucky and managed to avoid the hazardous off-road terrain the other parents obviously had to cross in their vehicles. Money

#10078

What music event has an entry fee of 45 cents? 50 Cent Featuring Nickelback. Money

#10079

I'm one of those people who has the amazing talent of being able to shake my wallet and know exactly how much Money is in it. Because it's empty. Money

#10080

Typical ITV can't even afford the rights to the scoreboard and clock for the whole game Money

#10081

I always leave the price stickers on the presents I buy from the pound shop to show people how little they mean to me. Money

#10082

I think the main reason why homeless people are so poor is because they only ever ask for small change. Money

#10083

I walked into the bank and said to the cashier, I'd like to open a joint account please."

OK, with whom though? Whoever has a lot of Money. Money

#10084

If we are all god’s children, why hasn't the CSA chased him for maintenance? Money

#10085

I've maxed out at the bank and they keep phoning me, I wish they would just leave me a loan. Money

#10086

An Apache goes into a bank and asks for a loan of 200 dollars. The bank manager asks for collateral: I have 150 horses," says the Apache, so the bank manager lends him the Money.

A month later, the Apache comes into the bank with 2220 dollars in his hand and pays off his debt with interest. Wouldn't you prefer to deposit the rest of your Money with us? asks the bank manager. The Apache looks at him suspiciously, then looks around the bank: How many horses you got? Money

#10087

Money can't buy happiness... but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari. Money

#10088

Next is lot number 049 - The statue of liberty. Bidding will start at $8.00 Money

#10089

I used to enjoy Working in a bank, but recently I've lost interest. Money

#10090

I almost found a fiver on the street this morning. I was 4.99 short. Money

#10091

My bank manager doesn't give my business ideas the credit they deserve. Money

#10092

I realised we were poor growing up when my mother said, Don't go spilling anything on the tablecloth, your father hasn't read it yet. Money

#10093

Money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you jet skis, and when did you ever see an unhappy jet skier? Money

#10094

Benefit claimants - keep yourself warm and save Money during the cold winter months by doing stuff, and moving around a bit. Money

#10095

I owed some Israelis about 200. But now I've paid my Jews. Money

#10096

I saw this girl last night and she looked amazing. An American would say she looked like a million dollars. But being British I thought that she looked like 659,674.12 Money

#10097

If I had a pound for every cliché I've ever used, I'd be a millionaire by now. Money

#10098

Gold. Worth its weight in gold. Money

#10099

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can't think how I can ever repay you. Money

#10100

When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other people’s fingers. Money

#10101

Bankers never die... They just lose interest. Money

#10102

My wife said I'm leaving. You know the price of everything but the value of nothing".

Take the bus love, it's cheaper than a taxi. Money

#10103

A man calls a radio DJ and says, I've found a wallet with 10,000 inside. There's also a card that says James Stevens, 12 Acre Close, Preston.' So? says the DJ. What do you want us to do? Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?" Money

#10104

A guy who lives down the road from me was selling his car, he said he wanted 800 for it or he'd take the nearest offer. So, I stood right next to him and offered him a tenner. Money

#10105

Greggs have sold an astounding 1.5 million apple-based pastry desserts this month alone. What a turnover! Money

#10106

I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I've just about got enough in it to buy a new piggy bank. Money

#10107

There are more important things in life than Money. The trouble is they all cost Money. Money

#10108

Last year another 300,000 families fell below the poverty line. This has prompted the opening of a further 45 Lidl’s across the UK. Money

#10109

I'm on the Wonga diet. I've lost 50 pounds already. Money

#10110

Just got a text from O2 reading, O2: Don't forget you've got until 07/07/09 to top-up and repay the 1.00 call Time you borrowed, otherwise we'll have to charge you 0.25 [e-mail] I think I'll just wait and pay the 25p fee. Money

#10111

Why do banks only lend you Money if you can prove that you don't need it? Money

#10112

I was really excited about opening a savings account, but once I started taking Money out, I just lost interest. Money

#10113

If Money is the root of all evil, how come I'm skint? Money

#10114

I've had a real run of luck recently that I just can't explain. It started last week when I won the lottery. Ever since then I've had no end of girls wanting to sleep with me. And men. Weird eh? Money

#10115

Finally, my Money problems have all gone out the window. Unusually on the same day as my wife did. Money

#10116

I opened up a business selling trampolines to Eastern Europeans, but it's not going well... the Czechs keep bouncing. Money

#10117

Headline from the Daily Express '2 Million Pound Benefits for Dad of 10' Good luck to the guy, but should we be paying these huge amounts of Money to somebody his age? Money

#10118

When they want to make an area graffitI proof, why don't they just coat the area with the paper you get on the back of credit cards? It's the only material in the world that is totally impossible to write on. Money

#10119

I went to the bank the other day and asked the cashier for a statement. She said 'My name is Carol and I Work at the bank'. Money

#10120

I gave my son a piggy bank for his birthday, you'll thank me for this when you're grown-up and getting married I told him. Is it so I can save up and treat my future bride to the wedding day of her dreams? He asked. No son, I just want you to get used to the fact that you're going to end up with a pig that takes every penny. Money

#10121

They say two heads are better than one. Regardless, the royal mint rejected my coin design. Money

#10122

Remember, Credit card debt is for life, not just for Christmas Money

#10123

When originally entered, the joke was: Money

#10124

One of my cats is called Maddie. Literally just for the grave stone in the garden when she dies. Mythical

#10125

Given the speed at which the human body actually decomposes in the open air, and is completely eaten away by flies, maggots, and bacteria, it seems that all we have to do to survive the zombie apocalypse is just stay indoors for a few days. Mythical

#10126

This Hallowe'en I'm saving Money on zombie DVD's. I live in Stoke, it's chucking out Time and I've just opened the curtains Mythical

#10127

What's long, makes women wet and makes men disgusted if someone gets it out? A Twilight DVD Mythical

#10128

My Workmates accused me of being delusional. So I downed my pint of unicorn tears and flew away on my Pegasus. Mythical

#10129

Really Professor, Do you really believe there are such creatures as vampires? Herr Doctor, there are many things in this world that we simply cannot comprehend So these small puncture marks on her neck are from the fangs of this devilish fiend?! I’m afraid so, draining the very life out of her in the process She looks so peaceful and beautiful, I can’t believe she’s dead. She’s not! She is what we call one of the undead I take it Professor she would have all human responses but retain no consciousness of anything that took place in this realm? Exactly!

Are .. you.. thinking what I’m thinking Professor? Yes! Ill close the curtains. You go first, Herr Doctor, I don’t mind sloppy seconds." Mythical

#10130

I was thinking of putting fangs on my canine teeth to make me look more like a vampire and have the many girls who read the Twilight series chasing after me. But I think perhaps with my weight problem, I'd look more like a baby walrus. Mythical

#10131

How tragic would it be if a vampire got AIDS off of one of its victims? Mythical

#10132

I told my vampire friend I had a cure for his affliction. He thought he would never see the day. Mythical

#10133

When it comes to chat up lines, vampires don't have much luck. Have you got a mirror in your knickers love? because I can't see myself in there tonight." Mythical

#10134

"Fairy tales are so unrealistic. It's not the dragons, or the witches, or even all the magic.

It's the fact that there are all those sleeping princesses, and not once do you hear about them being the victims of opportunist rapists." Mythical

#10135

What did Goldilocks say to the Three Bears? How did you make porridge without opposable thumbs?" Mythical

#10136

I wish my wife was more like the wanted. She's never glad I came. Mythical

#10137

Went to a zombie party last night. It was dead at first but eventually things started coming alive. Mythical

#10138

I found myself turning into a vampire last night. My car hit Hilary Devey on a street corner. Mythical

#10139

Dear Children When you look under your bed, what exactly is it you are planning to do when you find me. Sincerely The Bogeyman Mythical

#10140

Twilight is so pointless I mean why do they not just have a threesome and have it done with instead of wasting my Time with all of these films. Mythical

#10141

I took out four zombies with my baseball bat last night, and unbelievably the Police have put me up on a murder charge. I honestly didn’t realize it was my wife and her friends with face packs on. Mythical

#10142

"Went to the library today and asked have you got any books on mysterious disappearances?

The librarian said Well, they used to be over there...... Mythical

#10143

I had to see Twilight last night, just to satisfy what all the fuss was about. Talk about far-fetched or what. Vegetarians being strong and not one of them has an irritable bowel. Mythical

#10144

Sanitary towels; Dracula's teabags. Mythical

#10145

I hated being a vampire, back in the day. Mythical

#10146

So the wife left me today. I guess replying just go out without your makeup on when she asked what was the cheapest way for her to dress up as a zombie for Halloween wasn't such a great idea Mythical

#10147

I just bought a great DVD/CD burner it's great, just one small problem, it only burns Twilight DVDs or Justin Bieber CDs. However, on the plus side, if I have a girl over, it also doubles as a fireplace. Mythical

#10148

As any zombie, will agree, the most important thing to look for in a woman is brains Mythical

#10149

I rubbed a magic lamp and wished for the genie to not wear any underwear. He said, Your wish is me Commando?" Mythical

#10150

I honestly don't know why everyone is making such a fuss about their relationship. Mine is a walk in the park. Admittedly with a dog, but a walk in the park nonetheless. Mythical

#10151

Top Tip Girls date a zombie. He'll love you for your Brains. Mythical

#10152

Shrewd move by Hollywood film bosses to film parts of World War Z in Glasgow. Why spends millions on extra's dressed up a flesh eating, mindless crazy fools when you can just video kicking out Time in the pubs? Mythical

#10153

My mate said vampires can't be real as they could get AIDs from people’s blood, I replied back It depends on the color of the person they bite" Mythical

#10154

I was a vampire when I was a child. Those were the nights. Mythical

#10155

It's Time to stand up and be counted. I said to a lazy Dracula at his initiation ceremony." Mythical

#10156

So apparently, it's not all bad news if you get killed by Voldemort. Instead, you can become a teen vampire with the power to make 13-year-olds fall in love with you. Mythical

#10157

Stephenie Meyer likes Team Edward! and Eating Alone. Mythical

#10158

So, I've been searching for the YetI for 3 weeks now. I did originally set out to find cheap petrol, but I went for a more achievable goal. Mythical

#10159

My girlfriend told me that I need to treat her like she is something precious... So, I threw her into a Volcano. Mythical

#10160

I'm in a cover band for The Zombies. We never perform live. Mythical

#10161

Vampire teenager: ''Dad, if you won't let me go out I'll simply wait for you to fall asleep.'' Vampire dad: ''That'll be the day.'' Mythical

#10162

The reason women love vampires so much, is because they are the only men who will lick them out during their periods Mythical

#10163

My wife said, Imagine we're sat here now, and flesh eating zombies started smashing their way into the house... What would you do? I said, Hide behind you... ...you big fat tasty looking lump." Mythical

#10164

I'm having a really stressful Time at the moment, and to make things worse I get back from the doctors to find I've got a high blood count. I specifically told Dracula not to sample any of my 'special cakes' while I was at Work. Mythical

#10165

Snoop Dogg: I want to be a vampire. Well he sucks already........maybe he means he wants to be white. Mythical

#10166

I love Twilight. 2 to get some fake teeth. And then I can convince young girls to come into the forest with me, with a piggyback ride. Mythical

#10167

It's Bully from Bullseye! I exclaimed as I saw the small statuette. You aren't really an expert in Cretan archeology, are you? replied the museum director." Mythical

#10168

What's A Vampires' Version Of A Lollipop? A Used Tampon. Mythical

#10169

BBC News: Despicable film eclipses Twilight. The BBC should really check their website, someone has typed the word 'eclipses' into the above heading Mythical

#10170

I married a woman who turned out to be a vampire. I loved her and was prepared to go along with most of the changes it meant to our lifestyle but I just couldn't see myself in a house without mirrors. Mythical

#10171

A busload of zombies were just involved in a minor collision. They are all feared dead. Mythical

#10172

If you're a vampire a used Elastoplast makes an ideal 'Blood Patch' if you're trying to give it up. Mythical

#10173

How was your apocalypse? Mine was great, until I realized the zombies I was killing weren't zombies... But that didn't stop me! Mythical

#10174

"I was attacked by a couple of vampires last night. In an effort to distract them, my girlfriend bravely cut her arm. Her plan Worked, the vampires could smell the blood in the air and turned their attention to her. Luckily, I was able to use this opportunity to put my hands in my