Terry's Joke Collection Volume Four: Golfing to Kid Jokes

By Terry Eade

This is the fourth of nine volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. The seven chapters of this volume include: (1) Golfing Jokes, (2) Heaven & Hell Jokes, (3) Hobo & Drunk Jokes, (4) Hooker & Stripper Jokes, (5) Hotel & Motel Jokes, (6) Hunting & trapping Jokes, and (7) Kid & School Jokes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terry Eade
• Release date: Feb 1, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370620265

Terry Eade

Dr. Eade has a BA in economics from Central Washington University, an MBA in business administration from the University of Utah, and a PhD in higher education econometrics from the University of Washington. His professional career has included being an Air Force Squadron Commander, a Chief Fiscal Officer, a college Vice President, and the Commandant of a leadership academy. He has taught college classes in both management and finance. As a management consultant he trained managers and was a keynote speaker at various conventions. Dr. Eade is also an experienced poker player, a snowbird, a golfer, a motorcycle rider, and an author.

Book preview

Terry’s Joke Collection

Volume IV

Golfing to Kid Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2016 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370620265

Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the fourth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool. The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These facts were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at [e-mail].

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for Terry Eade.

Chapter 1

Golfing Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a dentist on a golf course may appear here and in the Dentist & Optometrist Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

Her First Birdie

A beautiful young gal named Gail had gone to the golf course and asked if she could get out as a single. The pro indicated that he could get her out with a threesome of men if she didn't mind that arrangement. She indicated that she was a fairly new golfer and didn't mind golfing with the men if they didn't object to having a woman in the group. Of course Ralph, Dan, and Pete did not object to an attractive young woman joining their group so they set out together.

They were all having a great time and doing well with their games especially Gail who seemed to be improving with each hole. On the last hole Gail hit a beautiful long drive straight down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot was even better and put her on the green with a twelve foot put for birdie.

Gail was very excited at the prospect of getting a birdie as she had never had one before. So she announced that if anyone could help her make her birdie putt, she would take them home with her for the night.

Ralph was the first one to offer assistance. He advised Play the ball high and slow and let the slope bring it down into the hole.

Dan disagreed, I think you should play the ball straight at the hole with enough speed to keep it on line, rather than to chance it falling short.

Pete dismissed both approaches and said I think it's a gimmie!!!

Couples Tournament

A husband and wife enter a couples tournament. On the first tee the husband hits a beautiful 240 yard shot straight down the fairway. The ball is now only 70 yards from the green with no obstructions.

Since it is an alternating shot tournament the wife hits the second shot. The ball comes off the toe of the wife’s club and ends up sixty yards from the green behind a large oak tree.

The husband then plays a beautiful slice around the tree, which lands on the green just five inches from the cup.

The wife hits her putt left of the cup way too hard and it rolls off the green into a very deep sand trap.

The husband hits an unbelievable shot out of the trap that lands on the green and rolls into the cup for a bogey.

As they are walking off the green, the husband says Well we took a five on a par four, but I’m sure we will do better on the next hole.

Don’t talk to me about it buster, says the wife, you’re the one who took three strokes.

Private Course

Tiger Woods is driving down the highway and notices an attractive golf course on the left side of the road. Since he has his clubs in the trunk, he pulls into the clubhouse and tells the pro he would like to play a round.

The pro says I’m sorry sir, but this is a private course and open only to members. However, there is a very nice public course across the street just a three wood shot from here.

Do you know who I am? asks Tiger.

No sir, I don’t, responds the pro.

I’m Tiger Woods, the best golfer in the world.

Sorry sir, I didn’t recognize you, says the pro. In that case it’s only a five iron shot away.

Lucky Golfer **

Two golfers were in having a drink in the clubhouse bar and talking about the hazards of living on the golf course.

Bob says I was sitting in a lounge chair next to my swimming pool last week when a golf ball came flying onto the patio and almost hit me. I guess I’m pretty lucky that I didn’t get hurt.

I’m even luckier than you are, says Pete. I had a golf ball come through the skylight in my bedroom and hit me in the ass while I was having sex with my wife. It left a pretty good bruise.

What’s lucky about that? asks Bob.

If it would have been five minutes earlier, says Pete, I would have had a fractured skull.

** Risque

Big Sacrifice

It was early Saturday morning and the foursome had just been called to the first tee. As Scott was warming up he said to the rest of the group I hope you guys appreciate the trouble I had to go to be here this morning. I had to agree to build my wife a new cabinet for her sewing machine.

That's nothing said Ralph, I had to spend the last two weekends helping my wife plant new flowers in her garden in order to get to play golf today.

I can top that retorts Fred, I had to take my wife out to a very expensive dinner and agree to let her remodel the living room and buy new furniture to get to play today.

I think you guys are taking the wrong approach said Al, I didn't say anything at all to my wife until this morning. Then I woke her up and said 'golf course or intercourse?' and she said 'don't forget to wear your sweater'.

I've Been Hit

Betty had waited until the men on the fairway ahead of her had gotten out of her range before she teed up her ball and hit her drive. She was quite surprised when her drive went over two hundred yards and was heading straight for the men ahead. She started yelling fore, waving her arms, and running toward them.

Her call came two late, as one of the men in the fairway clasped his hands in his crotch and begin to roll around. Horrified, Betty rushed up the fairway to see what she could do. When she got to the man he was still rolling around on the ground in pain and his buddies where just standing there watching him.

I'm a nurse, said Betty, as she unzipped his pants and started massaging his genitals. Now doesn't that feel better? she said after having massaged him for a few minutes.

Well actually it feels pretty good, says the injured man, but my thumb still hurts like hell.

A Little Bit Embarrassed

Four old retired guys named John, Bill, Steve, and Ed had just finished their weekly golf game and were headed for the club house. John suggested that they take a shower and then have a couple of drinks. Bill and Ed agreed, but Steve said that he thought he would just head home and shower there.

How come you never stick around and have a drink with guys after we play golf? says Ed.

Well to be honest with you its that I'm a litlte embarrased to take a shower with the other guys, says Steve, I've been that way since high school.

Why are you embarrassed to shower with the guys? says Bill.

It's because I have such a small penis says Steve.

Can you still get an erection? asks John.

Oh, it still gets hard says Steve, It just isn't very big.

Well how would you like to swap it for one that looks good in the shower? says John with a laugh.

Bad Timing *

Bill was out playing golf one day and his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. As he lifted his club in the air he heard a faint voice say, Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups.

Bill lowered his club and took a quick glance back and forth to make sure that he was alone. Satisfied that he was alone, Bill began to raise his club and again came the same voice, this time a bit louder, Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups.

This time Bill was so sure of the voice that he spoke aloud, Hello, is someone out there. No sooner than he had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared before him. I am the forest fairy, if you don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you could want for the rest of your life.

Where the hell where you when I was in the pussywillows? said Bill as he picked up his ball in disgust.

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

A Fair Reward

It seems there was this priest who just loved to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just had to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement.

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. Lord, he says, this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?

God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, I'm punishing him ... after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?

I've Got to Take a Call

Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief conversation. Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one's finger on the pulse and all that. His companions murmur acknowledgment.

On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says excuse me, places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He turns back to the bewildered group. Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast, he says I've got a microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It's really convenient.

They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to attention. Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen. He snaps back to normal. This is really the state of art, he tells his playing partners. I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my neck. Everyone is impressed.

Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts so sorry and runs into the bushes. Everyone waits. After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing.

You okay, Tanaka-san? he asks.

Everything is fine, Mr. Tanaka replies. Just awaiting fax from home office.

Never Again

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.

They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.

Damn! the man says, I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best.

But his wife, who had been looking things over, said Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green.

The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.

As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, Wait, look we can open these double doors and...

No way, the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.

Lucky Frog

It was a long par four and Bob's drive had been to the right and not very long. He was now laying near a pond and had decided to play a nine iron to the center of the fairway. About the time he had decided on the safe play a frog sitting beside the pond said bribip, four iron. Thinking this might be an omen, Bob takes out his four iron and plays the ball over the water, onto the green and the ball rolls up to the flag and drops onto the hole for an eagle. Bob is elated and picks up the frog and takes it with him.

For the rest of the game Bob asks the frog's recommendation on every shot and the frog advises Bob on the proper club selection and play. Bob finishes with the best game he has ever shot on that course. After the game is over Bob is convinced that the frog is truly lucky.

What should I do next? Bob asks.

Bribip, Las Vegas responds the frog.

Anxious to see if the frogs advice extends beyond golf, hops in his car and he and the frog take off for Las Vegas. As soon as they get checked into the casino, bob asks the frog what they should play and the frogs response is roulette. So they go to the roulette table. He then asks the frog what to bet on.

Bribip, fourteen says the frog.

So Bob puts $10 on 14 and the number hits and pays off 30 to 1. Bob now has $300. He continues to take the frogs advice until they have won a large amount of money and the frog advises Bob to quit and cash out. Bob takes the frog back to the room and has room service bring up a bottle of champaign to celebrate his great win.

You are the one who has made all this possible says Bob as he toasts the frog with a glass of champaign, is there anything I can do to reward you?

Bribip, kiss me says the frog.

As requested, he kisses the frog, who immediately turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl.

And honestly judge, that's just the way it happened says Bob.

Bad Language *

Arnie had gone to confession and indicated that he had used some extremely bad language that week for which he was repentant. The priest asked Arnie what the circumstances were which caused him to use this inappropriate language.

I'm a golfer, said Arnie,and I was having some problems.

Well I'm a golfer myself, said the priest so I can understand your frustration with your game, but what could have been so bad as to engender an outburst of bad language?

Well I was actually having a great game and thought I would get my best score ever, then on the 17th hole I hit my drive straight down the middle, but it hit a sprinkler head in the fairway and bounced right behind a big oak tree.

Is that when you used the bad language my son? asked the priest.

No father, said Arnie in fact I kept my cool and was able to slice the shot around the tree and it was heading right for the green until it clipped a branch of a tree and fell short into the sand trap on the front of the green.

So that's when you used the bad language? said the priest.

No not even then said Arnie, I tried to keep a positive attitude and made a beautiful sand shot which landed on the green and rolled up within six inches of the hole.

Christ Almighty, you didn't miss a fucking six inch putt?!! shouted the priest.

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Lost Track

Jack was in town to attend, and make a presentation at, a medical convention. He had arrived a day early to check out the facilities and put the final touches on his presentation. He was able to attend to these items in the morning and thought he would try out the local golf course to relax and kill some time until the convention started. It was a slow day and they put Jack out by himself. Although he was trying to relax and concentrate on his golf game his thoughts kept coming back to his presentation.

After a few holes he had lost track of what hole he was on so he walked up to the lady on the hole in front of him and confessed that he had lost track and wondered if she could help him out. She was very pleasant and told him that since she was on the seventh hole he must be on the sixth hole. He thanked her and returned to his game.

Later in the afternoon the same situation happened on the back nine. Again Jack lost track of where he was and had to go up and ask the lady on the hole in front of him what hole he was on. Again she pleasantly informed him that she was on sixteen so he must be on fifteen. After Jack had finished his game he went into the clubhouse for a drink. On entering the bar, Jack noticed the lady sitting by herself at one of the tables. He asked the bartender who the lady was and was informed by the bartender that she was not a regular, but was in town to attend the medical convention.

Jack took his drink over to the lady's table and introduced himself. "I would like to buy you a drink for being so accommodating he said, and I believe we are both in town to attend the same convention. What is your specialty?' Jack asked.

I'm a gynecologist, the lady responded.

At that Jack started laughing.

What is so funny about that?' asked the lady, somewhat insulted.

I didn't mean any offense by my reaction, said Jack It's just that I'm a proctologist, so I guess I'm still one hole behind you.

Heart Attack

When Bill came through the door his wife was furious. She pointed at the clock and informed him that his dinner had already been thrown out because it was ruined and couldn't be reheated.

"You left this morning at ten o'clock for a round of golf with your old golf buddy Al and I suppose you two have been sitting in the bar drinking every