Terry's Joke Collection Volume Three: Drug Store to Genie Jokes

By Terry Eade

This is the third of nine volumes of the Terry's Joke collection series. The nine chapters in this volume include: (1) Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes, (2) Engineer & Programmer Jokes, (3) Farm & Rural Jokes, (4) Fireman & Paramedic Jokes, (5) Fishing & Camping Jokes, (6) Funeral & Cemetery Jokes, (7) Garden of Eden Jokes, (8) Gay & Lesbian Jokes, and (9) Genie & Magic Jokes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Terry Eade
• Release date: Feb 1, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370062683

Terry Eade

Dr. Eade has a BA in economics from Central Washington University, an MBA in business administration from the University of Utah, and a PhD in higher education econometrics from the University of Washington. His professional career has included being an Air Force Squadron Commander, a Chief Fiscal Officer, a college Vice President, and the Commandant of a leadership academy. He has taught college classes in both management and finance. As a management consultant he trained managers and was a keynote speaker at various conventions. Dr. Eade is also an experienced poker player, a snowbird, a golfer, a motorcycle rider, and an author.

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Terry’s Joke Collection

Volume III

Drugstore to Genie Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370062683

Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the third of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool. The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These facts were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at [e-mail].

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for Terry Eade.

Chapter 1

Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a teenager in a drugstore may appear here and in the Teen & High School Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

Just the Facts Ma'am

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...and believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

Wild Weekend *

Bill goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to keep me going all night?

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, This stuff is very potent so drink only one ounce. I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds Bill waiting for him on the door-step. What are you doing here so early? the pharmacist says, I thought you would be home resting after your wild weekend?

I need some Blue Ice or Ben Gay and I need it bad.

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

Bill says, No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm.

Pharmacist: What?? What happened?

Bill replies, Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.

Pharmacist: Oh my god, and then what?

The girls never showed up! says Bill

* Contains language or content you may find offensive

Perfect Fit

A man goes up to the cashier at a large drug store and asks for a box of condoms. The pretty young clerk asks him what size condoms he takes.

I don't know, he replies I didn't even know they came in different sizes.

They do now says the clerk, perhaps I can help you out. So the clerk reaches over the counter sticks her hand down the front of his pants and fondles his genitals for a few seconds. Then she says You take a large, and selects a box of large condoms from the rack behind the counter.

The next man in line also wants a pack of condoms, and he doesn't know what size either, so the pretty young clerk reaches down the front of his pants, fondles his genitals for a few seconds and tells him that he needs a medium, and then completes the sale.

The next person in line is a teenage boy who came in to buy some cigarettes, but has been watching what has been going on in front of him and has now decided to buy some condoms.

The pretty young clerk turns to the teenage boy and says What can I get for you sir?

I'd like a box of condoms, says the boy, and I don't know my size.

Again the pretty young clerk reaches over the counter puts her hand down the front of his pants and starts to fondle his genitals. After a few seconds she laughs and grabs the microphone off the counter with her other hand and announces clean up on aisle three!!

Not Without a Condom

A couple of deaf teenagers are parked up at lookout point. They engage in some necking and then heavy petting. Then the boy wants to go all the way. The girl stops him before he can get that far and in sign language tells him that she is not going all the way unless he uses a condom. Since he doesn't have any condoms, they drive back into town and he pulls up to an all night drug store.

After about ten minutes the boy returns to the car and tells the girl that he can't seem to get the night clerk to understand what he wants and since the condoms are under the counter he can't show him either. So again he pleads with the girl to reconsider. She still refuses to have sex without a condom, so the boy goes back into the drug store.

Fifteen minutes later the boy returns to the car in utter frustration, starts the car and in sign language tells the girl he is taking her home.

What's wrong, asks the girl in sign language.

I've given up, says the boy in sign language I tried everything I could think of to convey what I wanted, and then finally in frustration I slammed a five dollar bill on the counter, unzipped my fly , laid my penis on the counter and then pointed at the five dollar bill and then at my penis.

Then what happened, asked the girl in sign language."

Then the clerk plunked five dollars down on the counter, unzipped his fly, laid his penis on the counter and since his penis was bigger than mine he took the ten dollars and put it in his pocket, responded the boy in sign language.

No Pain - No Gain

Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: I've got a hot date fer tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?

To which the pharmacist responds: A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.

To which the redneck replies: TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves??

Bottom Deodorant

A blonde walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the blonde that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that her roommate has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, but the roomate is out of town and they are all out of bottom deodorant.

I'm sorry, says the pharmacist, we don't have any.

But she told me she always get it here, says the blonde.

Do you have the container it comes in?

Yes! says the blonde, I'll go and get it.

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says, This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, To apply, push up bottom.

Flavor of the Day ***

A wife was telling her husband about her day and added that she had also stopped by for an appointment with her gynecologist.

Anything wrong, asks the husband.

No, says the wife just a mild yeast infection, so the doctor told me to start using a douche to keep it from coming back. When I got down to the drug store they now have douche in flavors. Since it wasn't any more money I got the flavored kind.

Oh, says the husband, what flavor did you get?

Tuna, says the wife.

*** May not be suitable for mixed company

Important to Abstain

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, Yes, no problem! So the minister says, Welcome to the church!

Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it! So the minister says to them, Welcome to the church!

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a bottle of shampoo and when she bent over to pick it up, lust and passion overcame me.

So the minister says, I'm sorry, but you are both banned from this church!

To this the husband replies, That's O.K., we're banned from Walgreens, too.

Reduced Dosage

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, That's no problem. How many do you want?

The man answered, Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.

The pharmacist said That won't do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes.

The Old Foot in the Mouth

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants. Well, he said, I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The teenager makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes with constant references to understanding and forgiveness.

The girl leans over and says, You never told me that you were such a religious person.

He leans over to her and whispers, You never told me that your father was a pharmacist.

A Logical Question

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go. Good idea, she says. While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.

The groom gets out, walks into the drug store and says to the clerk, I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.

Yes sir, says the clerk, but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?

I Have a Problem

A man went into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Smoking in the Rain

Thelma and Abigail were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Abigail pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

What's that? asks thelma.

A condom, says Abigail. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Where did you get it? Thelma inquires.

You can get them at any drugstore. says Abigail.

The next day, Thelma hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

It doesn't matter, says Thelma, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

Who are These For?

Two little boys go into the drug store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?

The nine-year-old replies, Nope, not for my mom. Without thinking, the cashier responded, Well, they must be for your sister then? The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not