101 Banned Jokes

By Tim Beachum

In order to publish this book we had to place a warning label right on the front cover. The jokes in this book have been banned from television shows, commercials, schools as well as many internet websites.

The creators of this book are in no way responsible for the urination or fecal matter that may be dispelled do to the uncontrolled laughter. You may be fired for telling these jokes during work hours so be warned.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tim Beachum
• Release date: Apr 15, 2013
• ISBN: 9781301104185

Tim Beachum

I am first and foremost a Marketing Strategist and have enjoyed doing so for 10+ years. Welcome to the digital age my friend.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Hello my friend, and thank you for buying this book, or maybe you stole it from a friend :-) No matter how you obtained it I hope that you enjoy reading through it as much as I enjoyed putting it together.

Every since I was a kid people always told me that I should have been a comedian. Telling jokes and making people laugh has always been a part of my character.

Sadly enough I never did take everyones advice about becoming a comedian. However as a Marketing Strategist and Tactician I still get to put my since of humor to good use. I use humor in my daily life to break the ice with potential clients, and when I find myself standing in front of a crowded room of uptight business people (I am not talking about you if you happen to be one of those business people that came to see me or you were on one of my webinars.)

WARNING: Please do not email me, call me, tweet me, text message me, or any other unique form of communicating if you are one of those people that are easily offended, and do not have a since of humor. The jokes in this book are just that... JOKES!!!!

Banned Joke #1

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied, All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, What are you thinking now?

He replied, It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

Banned Joke #2

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.

She removes all her clothing and asks, Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, Here, iron this!

Banned Joke #3

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

You're a goblin, she says, I caught you and you owe me three wishes!. So the goblin replies OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?. The woman stops and thinks for a second, I want a huge mansion to live in., goblins replies OK, you've got it.. Woman again thinks it over, My second wish is a Mercedes. OK, you've got that too. My last wish is a million dollars!. The goblin then says OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me. OK then, if that's what it takes...

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

Tell me, says the man, how old are you? I'm 27, she replies

Fuck me, says the man, 27 and you still believe in goblins

Banned Joke #4

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, Say, wanna have a good time? Sure, he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one? The guy says,

Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.

Banned Joke #5

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door killed himself.

Banned Joke #6

One day little Johnny was sitting in math class and his teacher was asking the class word problems when she got to Little Johnny and said If there are three birds sitting on a power line and you grab your shot gun and shoot two of them, how many are left?

None Johnny replied.

The teacher said Actually, one would be left, 3 - 2 = 1

Little Johnny said No, if your using a shot gun to shoot at birds then the other one is going to fly off from the sound

The teacher says well no the answer is still one, but I like the way you think

Johnny starts to think to him self Hmmm you like the way I think huh and he says to the teacher Three women are sitting on a park bench and they all have lolly pops. One of them is sucking on it, one is licking it, and the other is biting it. Which one is married?

The teacher says The one sucking it of course

And Johnny replies No, the one wearing the wedding ring... but I like the way you think

Banned Joke #7

One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.

Mrs. Johnson had said,