WTF? Women: How to Survive 101 of the Worst F*#!-ing Situations with the Ladies

By Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller

Your wingman refuses to jump on a grenade.
During sex, your girlfriend calls out her ex's name.
Your wife went from having a sweet ass to a fat ass.
And all you can think is . . . WTF?

It's the one topic that pisses men off yet keeps them coming back for more--women. From hookups to breakups, this book handles the most f*#!-ed-up scenarios men face with the fairer (and far more confusing) sex. It's the perfect relationship manual for men, as it ditches the Dr. Phil advice and gives actual (if not always appropriate) assistance during the shittiest of dilemmas.

Whether you're striking out or getting down, married, engaged, or can't even get past the first date--this book provides a much-deserved laugh whenever the woman in your life has you saying, "what the f*#!?"

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Nov 18, 2010
• ISBN: 9781440509957

Gregory Bergman

Gregory Bergman is the author of numerous humor books such as the WTF series, which includes WTF? America and WTF? College. 

Book preview

playing the field

1. You're Too Shy to Approach Girls

Your eyes lock from across the room. She smiles. You smile. Now all you have to do is go over there and say something clever, like Hey. But even the thought of that makes your heart race, your palms sweat, and your dick shrivel to the size of a toddler's. God might have blessed you with good looks, but he forgot to give you a set of balls. Pussy!

The WTF Approach to Working Up the F*#!-ing Nerve

illustration OPTION #1: Send a Note

Write down something witty and attach it to a drink. Have the bartender or server give it to your girl. Hopefully, she will return the favor by coming to you. Or better yet, by coming on you.

illustration OPTION #2: Take a Class

They have classes for everything. Learn the basics of how to start a conversation and get over your social anxiety. Then practice on women with whom you're comfortable, like your mom or your sister. Just remember to keep from going too far. Or else you might fall for a family member.

illustration OPTION #3: Get Wasted

Nothing cures the nerves like a pint of whisky. That's why it's called liquid courage. Soon you'll be talking to girls, dancing with girls, maybe even dancing with boys (don't ask; don't tell). Careful, though — if you drink too much, you might go home with a fat Persian clown covered in body hair. Yum.

WOMEN ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

— Garry Shandling

MOST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINES

Is your last name Gillette? 'Cause you're the best a man can get.

Are you a parking ticket? You've got fine written all over you.

I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you.

I lost my number. Can I have yours?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

'Sup? (accompanied by a head nod)

LEAST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINE

You want to get a pizza and bang? What's the matter, you don't like pizza?

illustration

2. You Hate Every Woman You Meet

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. It just so happens that everyone from Venus is a bitch. At least, that's how you feel. What to do when every woman you meet makes you want to pull out your hair and wish you were gay.

The WTF Approach to Dealing with Annoying F*#!-ing Women

illustration OPTION #1: Buy One from Overseas

Go foreign. Go poor. Russia, China, Brazil. Bring an impoverished and eternally grateful hottie over from another land to live the American Dream: doing whatever you say. Be careful not to let her out of the house too much, though, because she might get wind of her rights.

illustration OPTION #2: Look Deep into Your Soul

Maybe it's you and not the women? Seek help from a therapist and delve deep into your past. Maybe you really hate your mother and you subconsciously blame all women? Maybe you hate her because she once touched you in a strange way. Maybe it's all coming back to you now. Oh my God! No!

illustration OPTION #3: Date a Mute

What's the most annoying thing she can do, wave her arms when she's mad?

illustration OPTION #4: Lose Your Hearing

Set off some fireworks right next to your ears and blow out your eardrums. Sure you'll end up deaf, but at least you won't have to listen to annoying female chatter anymore.

illustration OPTION #5: Date a Trannie

If you still can't get over the whole dick thing, then date one that is post-op, one that has had a sex change and is now a woman. Just remember, the doctors use the sensitive part of the penis to make a working clitoris during a sex change operation. Yum.

for the ladies …

You can't stand every man you meet? Join the fucking club.

WTF SELECTIVE HEARING

Sometimes we men just hear what we want to hear …

3. You Always Say the Strangest Things When You Meet a Girl

Hello. Hey. How are you? These are a few common things men say to women when they first meet. You, however, say things like: Does it smell like feet in here?I just cried a little in the bathroom. I wish I was dead — what about you?" For some reason you can find the courage to walk up to a girl and talk to her, but you can't seem to control what comes out of your mouth.

The WTF Approach to Removing Your Foot from Your F*#!-ing Mouth

illustration OPTION #1: Don't Talk

Women love the silent type anyway. This might really work to your benefit. Just smile, nod, and laugh once in a while. She'll be eating out of the palm of your hand in no time.

illustration OPTION #2: Bring a Translator

Bring a friend to translate what you're saying. If you say something weird like. I like your shirt, your translator will say something like:He likes the way your shirt brings out the color in your eyes. Careful, though — she might end up boning your translator, so make sure you pick a friend who is gay.

The Do's and Don'ts of Flirting

Flirting is an art form. How good a flirt are you?

1. In a crowded room, what is the most effective subtle sign you can give that you like a woman?

A. Walk over, poke her, and say, Hi, sexy!

B. Look at her, and when she looks at you, you look away.

C. Walk over and grab her crotch.

D. Ignore her completely.

E. Throw a bottle at her head.

2. You see someone across the room who you think is attractive or who you would like to meet. You:

A. Wait until she leaves and ask a friend later who she was.

B. Try to make eye contact with her and smile.

C. Hold up a sign that reads Let's bone.

D. Have a friend tell her you'd like to meet her.

E. Walk past her and accidentally bump into her.

3. Which of the following is the best way to flirt?

A. Stare at her until she looks away.

B. Lean into her with a hard-on.

C. Send Morse code messages that you like her.

D. Laugh at her stupid jokes.

Answer Key

D. Chicks love a challenge.

E. Works in '80s movies, so it must be true.

D. Chicks love to think they're clever and funny.

for the ladies …

It doesn't really matter what you say, he's probably not listening to you anyway.

4. You Can't Seal the Deal

You have no problem approaching girls at a bar or club. They are usually receptive, and you are pretty damn good at being charming. You almost always get their number, but for some reason, despite the fact that things go well, you never actually close the deal right there — you can never seem to get them to come home with you.

The WTF Approach to Sliding into F*#!-ing Home

illustration OPTION #1: Work on Your Game

Pay attention to other guys who take girls home. Listen to them and observe them closely as if you were writing a novel about them. What is it that they do differently? Try that.

illustration OPTION #2: Do It in the Bathroom

The nice guy routine works for numbers, but not for spontaneous sex sessions in the bar bathroom. Tell her you are going to take a leak and ask her if she could hold your dick for you. She might go for it. After all, what girl wouldn't?

Dating Is No Laughing Matter

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

— Monica Piper

WTF: UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

This is about a friend of mine. He's tall, good looking, and relatively charming. Unsurprisingly, he has little trouble approaching women. In fact, many approach him. He does a good job of flirting with them throughout the night, giving them all the attention they need. Then, after spending all night with the same fucking chick, he walks her out of the bar and tries to get her to come home with home. No dice. They always decline, leaving him with a phone number, a raging hard-on, and thoughts of murder and malice on his mind. You know who you are out there. Loser!

— JM

5. After You Sleep with Her, You Lose All Interest

It's always the same. You like her. She's beautiful, smart, and sexy. You want to spend all your time with her until you have sex with her. You're not sure why, but there seems to be a direct correlation between busting a fat load in her pussy and immediately losing all interest in her both as a sex object and as a human being.

The WTF Approach to Keeping the F*#!-ing Flame Burning

illustration OPTION #1: Don't Have Sex

Just date this girl without having sex. If you really like her, then just do everything else, so you don't lose interest.

illustration OPTION #2: Don't Have Sex … with Her!

Date her and screw other girls you don't care about. Win-win … except for your girlfriend.

TURN ON THE CHARM

When you're talking with women there are certain things you should say and certain things you shouldn't …

illustration OPTION #3: Date a Voyeur

Date a girl who gets off on watching you with other women. This way you both can get your rocks off and you don't have to sleep together to ruin your relationship. That said, if you lose all interest after having sex with a woman, then you might lose interest when you see your girlfriend playing with her pud as you bang a stranger in the ass.

illustration OPTION #4: Get Therapy

This is the classic Madonna/whore complex. You think of your girlfriend as the Madonna or mother figure and once you have sex with her, she turns into a whore. You will need professional help for this unless your mother is a whore, in which case there's probably no helping you.

for the ladies …

Become a prostitute. Or a porn star.

6. Girls Never Notice You at the Bar

Maybe you are too good looking. Are the girls too scared to even look at you for fear of ruining their new panties? Okay, probably not. But it doesn't necessarily mean you're totally ugly if girls never seem to look in your direction when you are out on the town. It could just mean that, like your WTF? author Gregory Bergman's penis, you are just average. But average sometimes doesn't cut it (just ask his wife). Here's how to go from being ignored to getting all eyes on you.

The WTF Approach to Getting F*#!-ing Seen

illustration OPTION #1: Wear Something Outrageous

Become a character and wear something that forces girls to take notice of you. Pickup artists call this peacocking because, like a peacock, you are showing off your bright colors to get the attention of a female. You don't have to dress like a total lunatic; a very bright shirt or a weird hat will do. Anything so that you stand out in