WTF? College: How to Survive 101 of Campus's Worst F*#!-ing Situations

By Gregory Bergman and Jodi Miller

Your roommate keeps piling crap on your side of the room. It’s the day before Christmas break and your ride home ditches you. Your knee gives out and you lose your baseball scholarship. Halfway through your final semester, you realize you’re a credit short of graduating. And all you can think is . . . WTF?

Like Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School, we’re heading to campus to lend a helping hand to all those college kids who can’t quite make the grade. Inside they’ll find hilarious solutions to all the obstacles that lie between them and that elusive diploma. From indecisions about major selection to problems picking up that hot classmate to cramming for finals, this book covers all the awful, awkward, and annoying instances that would have college students IMing, posting, or texting: “WTF?” Be it in the dorm room or classroom, during finals week or spring break, campus’s most f*#!-ed-up situations are handled in this entertaining step-by-step guide.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster
• Release date: Jun 18, 2009
• ISBN: 9781440514173

Gregory Bergman

Gregory Bergman is the author of numerous humor books such as the WTF series, which includes WTF? America and WTF? College. 

Book preview

WTF?

COLLEGE

How to Survive 101 of Campus's

Worst F*#!-ing Situation

GREGORY BERGMAN AND JODI MILLAR

m1

Copyright © 2009 by Gregory Bergman.

All rights reserved.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission

from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Published by Adams Media,

an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 10: 1-4405-0035-5

ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0035-0

eISBN: 978-1-4405-1417-3

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F E D C B A

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the publisher.

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

Certain sections of this book deal with activities and devices that would be in violation of various federal, state, and local laws if actually carried out or constructed. We do not advocate the breaking of any law. This information is for entertainment purposes only. We recommend that you contact your local law enforcement officials before undertaking any project based upon any information obtained from this book. We are not responsible for, nor do we assume any liability for, damages resulting from the use of any information in this book.

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

This is dedicated to all the girls who

get through college by getting wasted

             and whoring themselves.—GB

This is dedicated to my parents who

said that getting wasted and whoring

myself through college would never

get me anywhere.—JM

Contents

introduction welcome to f*#!-ing college

chapter 1 orientation

chapter 2 dorm life

chapter 3 classin’ it up

chapter 4 flunked!

chapter 5 party time

chapter 6 extracurriculars

chapter 7 spring break

chapter 8 going greek

chapter 9 coed anatomy

chapter 10 graduation

wtf?: college final exam

answer key

Introduction

Welcome to F*#!-ing College

WTF? is back. And this time we are here to help our friends in college, university, or for the mentally or financially challenged among you—community college. In this book, we’ve compiled 101 of the worst fucking situations you’ll experience in collegiate life and our recommendations on how to survive them.

When you were a little kid, adults told you that those were the best days of your life. Their reasoning: You didn’t have to do shit for yourself and you had no responsibilities. Translation: You don’t have to deal with a pain-inthe-ass kid like you.

But the truth is that they were lying. Kid life, like adult life, sucks. While kids don’t have to pay the bills, they do have to obey the people who do. But not anymore. In college, you now have the best of both worlds; you have limited responsibility and no one to boss you around. These really are the best days of your life. After all, bagging a new hottie every night in real life requires more than fetching a cup of lukewarm beer from a keg and showing off your calf muscles. Trust us.

Indeed, college is a great time in life. It is a time to learn, to grow, and to participate in sexually deviant behavior with random coeds without the fear of your mom walking in. It is the peak of your existence, the time when your mind and body are at their very best.

We, your humble authors, remember our college experience fondly:

I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs and learned some stuff that I mostly forgot, says coauthor Gregory Bergman on the subject.Mr. Bergman is the proud recipient of a BA in Philosophy, which left him forever critical of so-called reality as well as utterly unemployable in the real world.

I drank a lot and did a lot of drugs too, but I don’t really think I learned that much to be honest,adds co-author Jodi Miller. Ms.Miller is the proud recipient of a BA in Media Communications and Broadcast Journalism (a bullshit degree by the way—you might want to look into it!), which has left her nothing but a phony smile and distant memories of what it was like to not be old.

Yep, it’s all downhill from college. Again, you’ll have to trust us.

But that doesn’t mean college is a breeze. To master this new chapter in your life, you must learn to avoid the potential pitfalls and navigate the tough situations that come your way—situations that range from sleeping through a final exam to knocking up your professor to coping with a harrowing weed addiction. How do you learn to deal with these and other tough situations?

You read this book, you freshman dumbass. WTF?

Chapter 1

Orientation

1. You Applied to Twenty Schools— and Were Only Accepted at One

Choosing a college can be a very difficult decision. Does it have a good reputation? Is it expensive? Do the chicks there put out? But for you it’s even harder. Truth is your grades aren’t perfect, so you apply to twenty schools just in case. Surely you’ll get accepted to at least ten or so. But soon the thin envelopes start to arrive. Rejected. Rejected.Rejected. And yet another goddamn rejected! You have been turned down from every school you applied to except one. One! You are now the newest student at Loser University. WTF?

The WTF Approach to Handling F*#!-ing Rejections

Il_9781440500350_0011_001 OPTION #1: Make the Most of It

So what if the school’s motto is We’re a bunch of rejects, but we are really nice . . . and stuff.

And who cares if the campus is old and dirty and the computer room looks like something out of a 1950s sci-fi film. Look on the bright side: Your professors probably grade on one hell of a curve.

Il_9781440500350_0011_002 OPTION #2: Transfer

Get good grades the first semester and then get the fuck out of Dodge. Some slightly less shitty school might accept you now.

Il_9781440500350_0012_001 OPTION #3: Stay Home with Mom and Dad

Fuck it. Get a job at Dairy Queen instead. Maybe you can work your way up to assistant manager or even manager one day. That’s when the big bucks start rolling in.

EXCERPTS FROM RECENTLY DISCOVERED COLLEGE ESSAYS:

I am a hard worker and true team player. I enjoy football, golf, and just about any type of physical activity that is hands-on. Above all, I consider family to be the most important thing.

OJ Simpson

Intended Major: Forensic Science

I have a lot of leadership skills.People tend to trust that I know the final solution to even the most tedious of problems.

Adolf Hitler

Intended Major: Jewish Studies, with a minor in Art

I believe in turning the other cheek, not coveting thy neighbor’s wife, and that the meek shall inherit the earth. I think one day people all over the world will cherish these principles—to such an extent that they will kill, maim, and torture those who do not.

Jesus H. Christ

Intended Major: Religious Studies

I like to grill hamburgers and hit people.

George Foreman

Intended Major: Sports Medicine, with a minor in Culinary Arts

I am a true visionary, the kind you’ll one day read about in history books. I enjoy writing, playing ‘conspiracy against the King’ with my pals, and having sexual relations with our many slaves.

Thomas Jefferson

Intended Major: Government

My neighbor’s dog told me I should apply to your school. You should really consider accepting me. Seriously.

David Berkowitz

a.k.a. Son of Sam

Intended Major: Abnormal

Psychology

I will get into your school—by any means necessary.

Malcom X

Intended Major: African-American Studies

I have always believed that it is important both in school and in life to ‘back that ass up’ when appropriate.

Terius Gray a.k.a. Juvenile Intended Major:

Undecided, but mostly just going to chill and smoke weed

My grades aren’t so good, but I have an enormous cock.

John Holmes

Intended Major: Sexual Education

My last name is Bush, as in, the son of George Herbert Walker Bush. See you at school! The End.

George W. Bush

Intended Major: Undecided, and

honestly not really planning to try

that hard. Did I mention my last name?

IN THE FUTURE

Apply to fifty schools instead of twenty. Or, don’t be a loser in the first place.

2. You Only Got In Because of Your Dad’s Donations

Poor little rich boy. You didn’t mind that Daddy threw some money around so you could wind up in the Ivy League rather than community college—and forgot all about the cash he sent you to pimp out your dorm room—but now you’re pissed. Everyone’s making fun of you because they know the only reason you’re here is that your dad donated a ton of cash to the school.

The WTF Approach to Handling Your F*#!-ing Legacy Issues

Il_9781440500350_0014_001 OPTION #1: Change Your Name

Chances are, if your dad’s a campus big shot, there’s some building or fund named after him. If you change your name, no one will know that you’re related. Pick a cool, single-word name like Prince, Cher, or Madonna—realizing that you’re obviously gay if you listen to any of them.

NOTE: This is more important if you have a unique last name such as O’Gubersteinsmith or something. If the Stern School of Business at NYU is named after your dad, it’s not likely anyone will make the connection just because your last name is Stern. There are probably a few more Sterns there—and Steinbergs and Goldbergs and, well, you get the picture.

Il_9781440500350_0015_001 OPTION #2: Beat Your Dad

It may not be easy growing up in the shadow of a great man, but it is possible to outdo even your legendary pop. Many sons in history have outclassed and out-succeeded their big-shot fathers.

For example, George H.W. Bush was a shitty president for only four years, while his son was twice as shitty a president for twice as long.

Il_9781440500350_0015_002 OPTION #3: Use It to Get Laid

So what if you’re a dumb ass and your daddy paid your way into school? When you’re getting your rocks off with a hot chick in your dorm room because of your last name, you might not care so much that the building you’re screwing in is named after Dad.

Il_9781440500350_0015_003 OPTION #4: Kill Daddy

Time to put that Freud stuff you learned in psychology class to good use. Kill your father and end his evil reign over your soul just like Sigmund’s theory of the Oedipus complex says every son wants to do.

PROFESSOR TIP: Banging your mother, however, is ill advised. But it is always an option if you’re experiencing a dry spell.

Your Dad May Be Better Than You If . . .

m2 His penis is still bigger than yours.

m2 He knows more about fly-fishing than you.

m2 He’s more proficient with a carving knife on Thanksgiving.

m2 He can still beat your ass.

m2 Your girlfriend chooses to have sex with him over you.

Quit Your Bitching

There are worse last names and worse legacies than yours. How’d you like to show up to school with a last name like . . .

Il_9781440500350_0015_004 Dahmer

Il_9781440500350_0015_004 Manson

Il_9781440500350_0015_004 Hitler

Il_9781440500350_0015_004 Bush

3. All the Housing on Campus Is Full

It’s your first day of college. You made it. You can barely contain your excitement. But when you go to check in, you find out there’s been some sort of mix up and your room has been given to another student—and there are no more available rooms. How’s that for a welcome?

The WTF Approach to Finding Some F*#!-ing Housing

Il_9781440500350_0016_001 OPTION #1: Live with a Family Losing Their Home

These dire economic times have put many families on the verge of becoming homeless. They’ll take you in for a few bucks to help pay the mortgage.

Il_9781440500350_0016_002 OPTION #2: Couch Surf

Be that loser guy who’s always crashing on someone’s sofa. Work out some payment arrangement— be it grass, booze, or cash—and someone will surely let you in.

Il_9781440500350_0016_003 OPTION #3: Become a Gigolo

Find a different girl to hook up with every night and just stay at her place.

Il_9781440500350_0016_004 OPTION #4: Become a Squatter

Live in an abandoned building with some punk-rock dirtbags. Be prepared to dress the part: Spend many hours trying desperately to look like shit.

4. You Are the Only White Kid on Campus

You thought the brochure included a lot of minorities in the photos in order to be politically correct. Like every advertisement, it showed the classic four: one Asian, one black, one nondescript dark-haired person that is supposed to be Latino, and then one white fool like you. What they neglected to tell you, however, was that you would be the only white fool.

The WTF Approach to Flying F*#!-ing Solo

Il_9781440500350_0017_001 STEP #1: Constantly Apologize

Keep saying you are sorry over and over again and take personal responsibility for the actions of all white men who lived before you.

Il_9781440500350_0017_002 STEP #2: Use a lot of Hyphens

Remember, the term is African-American not black, Asian-American not Chinese, and Arab-American not terrorist.

Il_9781440500350_0017_003 STEP #3: Say You Are Part Cherokee

Everyone claims to be part Cherokee. This will at least give you a little minority cred.

Il_9781440500350_0017_004 STEP #4: Use Your Whiteness to Your Advantage

How often do you get to be exotic anyhow? In Nebraska you were just another blond, blue-eyed, corn-fed dummy, but here you’re the only blond, blue-eyed, cornfed dummy—you’re going to be a hit.

Il_9781440500350_0018_001 STEP #5: Act Black

Sometimes if white kids act black enough for a long enough time, it’s considered acceptable to the black community. Think Eminem.

The Jew of Howard U

You can get into a more prestigious college if you are willing to be the odd man out. Just as quotas can benefit minorities, they can also benefit white kids. A friend of ours screwed up his LSATs and didn’t get into the law schools of his choice. So he looked to Howard University, which was a better school than the ones that did accept him. Not only did he end up getting admitted, he got a scholarship. Why? Because he was a white Orthodox Jew.

So be smart and don’t be afraid to be the minority. After all, how do you think they feel