Life Is a Joke

By Steven Wise

I have seen a lot in my time on this earth. This book is about my experiences and includes jokes and true funny stories. Laughter, I believe, is the best medicine and people who have read the book found it uproarious and it cheered them up immensely. A doctor friend of mine actually missed their stop on the tube as they were so engrossed in the book.
There are some great windups involving my long-time friend George – quality times and good memories not forgotten and now put to paper. There are also stories about my time in sport playing football and golf spanning over fifty years (wow long time). It is also about my family, friends and pets – some have unfortunately passed on so it is nice to record and live memories of them once again. I hope readers enjoy it and find it uplifting.
You cannot buy a sense of humour but it is great to have one.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: May 31, 2022
• ISBN: 9781398444294

Steven Wise

Steven Wise is someone who has heard many jokes in his life time and, fortunately he has a good memory for them. He has been known to tell a joke on any given subject. Here he would like to share these jokes and funny stories with readers. He has been thinking about writing a book for a while now, people often used to say to him, “Wisey with all the jokes and stories you know you should write a book.” And here it is. He hopes it makes readers laugh.

Book preview

Life Is a Joke

Steven Wise

Austin Macauley Publishers

Life Is a Joke

About the Author

Dedication

Copyright Information ©

Acknowledgement

About the Author

Steven Wise is someone who has heard many jokes in his life time and, fortunately he has a good memory for them. He has been known to tell a joke on any given subject. Here he would like to share these jokes and funny stories with readers. He has been thinking about writing a book for a while now, people often used to say to him, Wisey with all the jokes and stories you know you should write a book. And here it is. He hopes it makes readers laugh.

Dedication

I would like a dedication to my long-time friend George Brunt who is such a funny man and crops up many times in the book as you will find out, also one of my best Mates Neil Keohane who sadly passed away fifteen years ago.

Copyright Information ©

Steven Wise 2022

The right of Steven Wise to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398444287 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398444294 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2022

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

Acknowledgement

I would like to acknowledge my wife Maggie Wise who has put up with me in the duration of writing the book listening to my jokes and anecdotes.

I have been thinking about writing a book for a while now, people often used to say to me, Wisey, with all the jokes and stories you know, you should write a book! I feel that now is the right time to do this.

Let me introduce myself. I’m someone who has heard many jokes in my lifetime and, fortunately, I have a good memory of them. I have been known to tell a joke on any given subject. Here, I would like to share these jokes and funny stories with you.

I love clever jokes that make you think, here’s an example.

A man walks into a bar, and the barman says, Hello sir, what would you like?

The man replies, Thanks, a vodka and lemonade. The barman goes on, That will be five pounds.

The man answers, I’m not paying! You asked what I would like!

A solicitor also standing at the bar joins in and says to the barman He’s right you know, you did ask him; what would he like, it wouldn’t stand up in a court of law.

The barman admits defeat, Okay, so you have done me out of five pounds.

The next day the man is back, and again the barman, not recognising him immediately asks, Hello sir, what do you want?

The man, again says, Thanks, a vodka and lemonade.

The barman then realises who it is and exclaims

It’s you again! That will be five pounds.

The man replies, as before, I’m not paying; you asked me what I want!

The solicitor, who is again at the bar, says You know, charging him now wouldn’t stand up in a court of law; I’m surprised you fell for it again.

The barman has really lost his patience with the man now, That’s it! Drink up and get out! You’ve cost me ten pounds so you are now barred!

Two weeks later the man is back. The barman, recognising him this time, says Sorry, you are barred. The man asks why, and the barman explains, Two weeks ago you were in here, and you did me out of ten pounds.

The man replies, But that wasn’t me, I’ve never been in here before in my life!

Puzzled, the barman says, You must have a double then!

The man’s replies, Thanks, I’ll have a large vodka and lemonade please.

Also, I like jokes which are short and to the point.

I went into my bank and a bank assistant came up and said, This is a new service, sir, you do not have to queue, just ask me what you need. I asked him if he could check my balance. So he pushed me over.

A man knocked on my door collecting for the local swimming pool, so I gave him a bucket of water.

I love being involved in real-life funny stories.

I went to Holland on a football trip. The manager’s name was Tony Smith; he was a Del-Boy kind of character and he almost always wore a Lacoste polo shirt. There were about fifteen of us at the ground waiting to leave for the ferry port so I said, I bet ‘Smurf’ – that was Tony’s nickname– is wearing a blue Lacoste. Then I said, "Let’s have a bet, a

pound on each colour". Sure enough, he turns up in a blue Lacoste and so I won the money. The bet carried on in Holland over the next few days. On the last day, at Deventer’s clubhouse, everybody was in on the bet, and there were about 250 euros in a jug on the bar and everyone had put their names, with a colour next to it, on a sheet of paper – placing a five-euro bet. I asked Tony what the most unusually coloured Lacoste shirt he