Clean Jokes for a Smile

By Bob Russell

The jokes are Bob's collection over a period of thirty years. These have been taken from many sources: books, emails, word of mouth, his memory, joke websites, friends, and the like. He has attempted to avoid distasteful and lurid jokes, but some contained in this book may be a bit risque. There is no category ordering of the jokes, such as animal, barroom, Saint Peter at the pearly gates, and so on and so forth. His Christian faith has taught him to be a "servant/leader," and the joke book is designed to serve people a sense of humor, which is sorely needed in today's world.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Aug 4, 2023
• ISBN: 9798888325964

Book preview

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Clean Jokes for a Smile

Bob Russell

ISBN 979-8-88832-595-7 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88832-596-4 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Bob Russell

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

The cover art work of a smile was done by Son Bill who has a keen sense of humour. Bill is a master winemaker at Westport Rivers Winery and a master brewer at Buzzards Bay Brewing

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Please note that this book was inspired by my wife, Carol. Also, our four children have been very encouraging to me to compose this book. The cover graphics were done by Bill. One of my self-learned lessons in life was that humor relaxed me and often helped me through some of life's tough situations. Also, I noticed in my Bible readings that Jesus Christ used humor in the form of wit, satire (the use of exaggeration to make a point), and irony (stating the opposite to make a point), which rarely makes one laugh but might bring a smile or a chuckle.

This is my collection over a period of fifty years and taken from many sources: books, emails, word of mouth, my memory, joke websites, friends, hand-me-downs from one generation to another and/or one person to another, and the like. Jokes rarely have one author. I have attempted to avoid distasteful and lurid jokes, but some contained in this book may be a bit risqué. And finally, there is no category ordering of the jokes, such as animal, barroom, Saint Peter at the pearly gates, and so on and so forth.

About the Author

Please note that this book was inspired by my wife, Carol. Also, our four children have been very encouraging to me to compose this book. The cover graphics were done by Bill. One of my self-learned lessons in life was that humor relaxed me and often helped me through some of life's tough situations. Also, I noticed in my Bible readings that Jesus Christ used humor in the form of wit, satire (the use of exaggeration to make a point), and irony (stating the opposite to make a point), which rarely makes one laugh but might bring a smile or a chuckle.

This is my collection over a period of fifty years and taken from many sources: books, emails, word of mouth, my memory, joke websites, friends, hand-me-downs from one generation to another and/or one person to another, and the like. Jokes rarely have one author. I have attempted to avoid distasteful and lurid jokes, but some contained in this book may be a bit risqué. And finally, there is no category ordering of the jokes, such as animal, barroom, Saint Peter at the pearly gates, and so on and so forth.

A rather old-fashioned lady was planning a couple of weeks' vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She couldn't bring herself to write the word toilet in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term bathroom commode, but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode simply as the BC.

Does the campground have its own BC? was what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn't figure out what the lady was talking about. That BC really stumped him. After worrying about it for several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally concluded that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist church. So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:

I regret the delay in answering your letter very much, but I now take pleasure of informing in that the BC is located nine miles north of the campsite and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt, you will be pleased to know that a significant number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago. It was very crowded! We had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that, right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the BC so everyone can watch and talk about this great event. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not for lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We have a very friendly community.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, the authorities captured him only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a glaring error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the van Gogh.

Please note that I have de Gaulle to tell you this because I figured I had nothing at all Toulouse.

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway in East Podunk. But as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day, Farmer John called the local police station and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing my chickens.

What do you want us to do? asked the policeman.

I don't care. Just do something about those crazy drivers!

So the next day, the policeman had the main road's workers go out and erect a sign: slow: school crossing.

Three days later, Farmer John called the policeman and said, You've got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!

So again, the policeman sends out the Main Road's workers, and they put up a new sign: slow: children at play.

That sped them up even more!

So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the policeman, Your signs are doing no good at all. Can I put up a sign I've made?

The policeman said, Sure, go ahead. He was willing to let Farmer John do just about anything to get him to stop calling and complaining.

The policeman got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the policeman, and he decided to give Farmer John a call. How's the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?

Oh, I sure did, replied Farmer John. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy. He hung up the phone.

The policeman was curious, and he thought to himself, I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign. It might be something that the town could use to slow down drivers.

So he drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: slow: nudist colony—watch out for chicks.

Dad, where did I come from? asked a ten-year-old.

The father was shocked that a ten-year-old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life but figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late. So, for the next two hours, he explained everything to his son.

When he finished, he asked his son what prompted the question, to which his son replied, I was talking to the new kid across the street, and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from.

Two peanuts were walking through the jungle. One was a salted.

A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics are driven crazy because, while they're grumpily eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jewish man to convert him to Catholicism.

Finally, after a lot of pressure and much arguing, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jewish man to a priest who sprinkles holy water on him and says, Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.

The Catholics are ecstatic. There will be no more tempting smells every Friday evening!

But the next Friday evening, the scent of a barbecue spread through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the grill, cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying, Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, No way, buddy. You're too drunk.

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the bathroom. Again, he slurs, Give me a drink.

And the bartender says, No, man. I told you last time. You are too drunk.

Five minutes later, the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink. Again, the bartender says, You are too drunk!

The drunk scratches his head and says, Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing.

Mr. Snail, who was a member of the escargot species, made a fortune by selling umbrellas to snails. So he decided to buy a car rather than slither from one place to another. He went to the local automobile dealer and bought the car of his choice, a red Cadillac convertible. As part of the deal in buying the car, Mr. Snail insisted on having a specially made hood ornament made solely to look like the letter S.

The salesman asked Mr. Snail, Why in the world would you want to do that?

To which Mr. Snail replied, So that when I drive in my car, people can see ‘S car go.'

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating, the panda pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly, the bartender runs after him, yelling, You can't do this!

The panda turns around and yells, Yes, I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!

So the bartender looks up panda in the encyclopedia, and it reads, Panda: increasingly rare species of bear found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.

A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father observes his son drilling a hole in the boat. When asked what he was doing, the son replied, There's water coming into the boat, so I made another hole for it to escape.

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport there, so you have to be driven. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions. But you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was essential to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It gets the adrenaline flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get! And sometimes, I think I am in Vincible, but life shows me I am not!

Three absent-minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the railroad platform while waiting for the train. An announcement declared that the train's arrival was imminent. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform.

Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, in the confusion, one of the writers was not able to catch the train. A passerby who saw all this approached the writer and told him