The Piggy Monster That (Didn’t) Love Me: I Hate Zombies

By Shantnu Tiwari

Blue and Shake meet a dog that talks, a piggy version of the Minotaur and get captured by an evil cult that wants to sacrifice them.

 

And things only get worse from there.

 

A comedy horror novella featuring two geeky and stoned monster hunters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Apr 26, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393330134

Book preview

1

The tunnel was dark and smelt of rotting flesh. That wasn’t the problem. You did expect horrible smells down here.

No, what bothered me was it smelt of rotting human flesh.

And more than one body, from the stench.

I lifted the old-fashioned kerosene oil lamp higher to get a better view. But I couldn’t see anything except my own shadow and the darkness in front of me.

I wished I could have brought an electric light, but kerosene was all the cultists had. I guess I cannot complain about the people who were going to sacrifice me to their god.

The kerosene lamp gave off an odious petrol-like smell, which had been irritating me till now; but now I was grateful for it, as it marked the smell of human flesh.

And how, pray, would you know what human flesh smells like? said a voice in my head.

Shut up, I said. I know you are against this, but it is my choice. And I don’t want a, a, a— I floundered for a lack of words.

You don’t want a voice in your head telling you what to do?

The voice burst out laughing. Yeah, because that would mean you are crazy.

Stop mocking me. It’s easy for you. Only one of us has a body that can be destroyed.

Oh, my little darling. Do you think I would let you be destroyed so easily? But watch out. Something approaches. Something not friendly.

I looked ahead. It was a rat.

Are you fucking with…

Not the rat, silly. Something else.

I looked ahead till I saw it. What I had come here for.

A giant bull-like man, but with the head of a pig. Like a Minotaur, but pig headed. Pig-o-taur.

No, it wasn’t funny to look at. Especially the blood covering his body and the human flesh hanging from his teeth.

Foooooooodddddd, it said when it saw me. They sent me more.

Actually, your friend is dead and you are about to join him. I stepped forward. I am from the immigration department. Legally, I have to give you a warning. Leave the dimension in the next three seconds, or you will be harmed.

The Pig-o-taur started laughing.

What’s so funny?

I knowwww you kkk-killed my human source. Which is why I prepared for you. Har-har-harrrrrrr.

I wished I lived in America and could have brought a gun. Lots of guns. Enough guns so the President of the NRA said, Bitch, you crazy buying so many guns?

But I wasn’t, and he didn’t.

So I did what any manly man would do. I turned around to run.

Oh dear, but he won’t let you escape that easy. Sorry darling, but you gotta fight.

And the Pig-o-Taur grabbed me and threw me to the ground, even as his teeth came dangerously close to the family jewels.

2

How did I end up becoming the modern day Theseus? It started, like all things do, with the hunt for a pineapple pizza, a can of beer, and a puppy with anger management issues.

It was a few a days after Halloween, where people had just taken down their zombie and witch showpieces and were replacing them with showpieces of Santa. So replacing one violent supernatural creature with another. Shake says I should be careful of insulting Santa, as we’ve met him and he’s not a nice bloke. That red on his dress isn’t Cherry Coke. And neither is it his own blood. And let’s leave it at that.

So it was cold, but not cold enough to wear a warm jacket. The autumn leaves were falling,