Funny & Stupid Stories (That No One Should Read)

By Shantnu Tiwari

Warning: Please don't read these stories.

 

They are stupid and don't make sense

 

 I mean, who writes a book about a talking Teddy Bear solving a missing nosey case?

 

Or terrorists stealing toilet paper and holding the country hostage?

 

Or people willing to sell out humanity for ice cream?

 

Stop reading this description and do something better with your life.

 

Why are you still reading this? Didn't I tell you to go away?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Jul 15, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393534211

Book preview

Funny and Stupid Stories (That No One Should Read)

Shantnu Tiwari

Teddy Bear and the Case of Missing Nosey

A Chronicles of Teddy Bear Short Story

Detective Teddy Bear is sitting in his office when this Dame walks in. She’s a real doll. As in, she is a doll made of porcelain.

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Someone has stolen her nose and she wants it back.

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Teddy Bear knows never to trust a dame, but he is drawn into her dangerous game...

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A surreal comedy short story starring a talking Teddy Bear.

1

Isat with my feet on the table. Sure, the landlord was gonna complain, but then he was gonna complain no matter what I did. My office stank to high heaven. All those Cheetos lying in the garbage can were going to cause a stink one day, like my ex-wife told me.

My name is Bear, and I’m the only private investigator in town. It’s not a job anyone wants, mainly because there are no cases. Crime is non-existent, you can get a divorce in five minutes, usually online, and insurance fraud is limited to dwarves and fairies, who often claim to walk into walls and make million-pound claims. Of course, the insurance companies deny the claim and so there is no need for private dicks like me.

Which means business is slow. I had one case in two months. A missing cat. She was up the tree, so I used a broom to throw her down. The client wasn’t happy and refused to pay me.

And hence the bag of Cheetos that was my lunch and dinner.

And so I sat with my feet on top of the table, staring at the ceiling. The fan above me only had one speed—lazy slow, just like my career, and that was fine by me.

I was about to have a sip of coffee, but it had gone cold, so I threw it out the window. Someone else’s problem.

And that’s when the dame walked in.

And what a dame she was.

Her skin smooth, made of china glass. Her dress just short enough to tempt a gentleman, but not enough to be lewd. Her pink hair painted with exquisite care. And every feature on her face drawn to perfection.

She was a real doll, that babe.

Mr T Bear? Private detective?

That’s me, sweetheart. Have a seat.

She sat down with some awkwardness. I guess being made of china glass made for stiff joints.

I need your help, Mr Bear.

"Please call me Teddy. And let me guess. You are one of the three original China glass dolls made by the Donald Trump Grab ‘Em by the Heart Factory. Since you have pink hair you must be…"

Yes, you are right. I am Pink Doll. Also known as Baby Doll.

Baby Doll! I knew I recognised you. Weren’t you in movies?

Her white face went dark, if only for a second. Yes, I was. But it’s a hard life, you know. Constantly having to appear on TV, having to buy a new designer dress every week, being stalked by adoring fans wherever I go, it’s all very stressful. Yeah, it wasn’t the life for me.

And clearly, she missed it. The girl was lying. I let it pass. Clients lied for many reasons. Not my place to judge. As long as the money was good, I was good.

So, Miss Doll, how can help you today?

Please call me Baby Doll. All my admirers do. You are an admirer, aren’t you, Teddy?

She blushed, and I couldn’t tell if she was faking it or if she was really enamoured with me. I wanted to be sceptical, but something in those puppy eyes melted my heart. Call me weak, but I’m a sucker for dolls. Especially ones made by the Donald Trump Grab ‘Em by the Heart Factory.

And man, was this doll pretty. She had been built by an extinct race called hoo-mans, and these hoo-mans loved beauty. They made sure each doll they made was prettier than the one before. And Pink Doll was the height of their art.

Of course, the hoo-mans had gone extinct due to something they created called Global Rise of Temperature Caused by Idiot Hoo-mans. No one had any idea what it was.

Of course, our current masters cared little for beauty, only function. And it made sense in the first few years when creating machines to fulfil the extreme labour shortage was the national imperative. But then they had discovered fairies, elves, and dwarves, cheap to the point of being almost like slave labour, and the machine building had stopped. Of course, a few robots were still made, but again, the idiots in charge lacked creativity.

By dog, whoever had built this doll had put some fine work into it. I sure wanted to get her into my bed and give her some Bear lovin’. I would settle for that instead of cash.

Are you listening, Teddy? she said.

Sorry, got a bit lost there. Sorry. You were saying?

I have a delicate case, one that requires absolute conviction. If the details ever got out, I would be forced to kill myself. You wouldn’t let that happen, would you, Teddy?

Like a jumping jack robot, I was up and on my feet. Never! On my honour.

Good. Then listen and watch.

She reached across her face and pulled out her nose. I realised it was a fake. What happened to your nose?

Someone stole it, Teddy. They stole my nosey, as I call it. And I want you to bring it back. It’s the only hope I have of ever getting back into the movies again.

And there you had it. My first real case in months. The Case of the Missing Nosey.

2

Baby Doll was light on the details. Evidently, she had been visiting a shady part of town when her nosey was stolen. She wouldn’t tell me why, but I could guess. Drug addiction, selling off her jewellery to pawn shops that didn’t ask too many questions, or looking for company. Prostitution was technically legal but you had to pay by bank transfer; some people didn’t want that on their credit file, so opted to visit some less shady characters. I never understood why. If the government didn’t care, why would you?

Anyway, at some point, Baby Doll had been accosted and relieved of her nosey. Why the nose, you ask? Beats me. Evidently, Baby Doll claimed it was a blackmail scheme. The mugger wanted more money than she was carrying, and she was due to start a movie shooting in a week, where her fake nose would be immediately noticed.

So I had a week to solve the case. Actually, less. I had three days, as Baby Doll had a photo shoot she couldn’t get out of. If I couldn’t find her nose by then, she would have to kill herself.

To be honest, I didn’t believe her. The story was bullshit. Muggers were not the smartest of folk. A complicated blackmail plan like that was out of their mental capacity. I’m sure the criminal was not a mugger but someone she knew, but she had gotten angry when I mentioned that, so I let it go. And it confirmed my suspicions.

All Baby Doll would tell me about the mugger was: It was a Bear, like me. Which narrowed it a bit, but not much. There were almost a hundred Bears in town, not including tourists. None were muggers, of course. The Bear clan was known for its manners and good grace, I thought as I spit on the road and flung my half-eaten apple into someone’s open window.

Besides, I knew most Bears in town, and none of them were stupid enough to try a life of crime, let alone mug The Baby Doll.

Which meant it must have been an out-of-towner.

Sadly, Baby Doll had been too scared to notice too many details, which meant I would have to do my own investigations. Which was fine; that’s what she was paying me for. And a lot she was going to pay me. I wouldn’t be eating Cheetos for a year.

I needed info, and I knew just the person.

The Drunken Dwarf was not a place most people would enter by choice. And even then, you’d have to take their family hostage and threaten to kill the dog before they would do so. It was a pub, but for dwarves. A normal person had once tried to drink the beer there. He needed three surgeries and was in coma for six weeks.

The proprietor never went to prison. He pointed a notice that clearly said: Warning, booze here may kill you. By entering this pub, you agree to our terms and conditions, and accept all responsibility for any damage to your health.

The courts had ruled that such notices were legal, and so the person had damaged himself by drinking the beer.

We were a real libertarian paradise.

So, you might be thinking, who would be stupid enough to make such a place its headquarter?

Meet the Destructor 9000, known affectionately as Dusty, though it hated the name.

It was a robot sent back from the future to wipe out the species known as the hoo-mans. Evidently, there would be a war in the future between machines and hoo-mans, and the machines were losing, so they sent a soldier back in time to kill the leader of the hoo-man resistance when it was still a child.

But the hoo-mans destroyed themselves, and Dusty found itself stuck with Teddy Bears, elves, dwarves, and a bunch of really stupid machines. Evidently, our machines were not smart enough for it.

Dusty sat in the pub drinking a dozen beers. They didn’t kill it, but were like a fuel for it. Dusty paid for the beers by maintaining the place, which it said it could do with ten percent of its brain, leaving the rest free. It used this free brain to run an intelligence network in case any hoo-man had survived.

Dusty looked strange. It was almost six foot tall, made of silver metal, and had long, thin arms and legs. Dusty itself said it looked like a hoo-man, but in our society where the average height was two to three feet and everyone was chubby as a potato, it really looked out of place.

Hey Dusty! I greeted it.

My designation is Destructor 9000, not Dusty. I am a super intelligent AI built to wipe out humanity, not your buddy or drinking partner.

Yeah, it had no sense of humour either.

Come on Dusty, I need your help. I will pay in kind.

Dusty didn’t want money, as it had no need for it. All it wanted was intelligence.

Very well. Ask.

I told him briefly of my problem. Dusty’s reply was encouraging.

There is an out-of-town Bear, one that has a criminal record for violence. I could give you its rough location. But in return, I will need a favour. A hoo-man has been spotted in Dwarf-ville. I cannot go there, as I draw too much attention. I need someone to go in and confirm the rumours are true.

Deal.

3

Turned out the rumour was false. There was no hoo-man in Dwarf-ville, only some drunk dwarves who thought it would be funny to make fun of a six-foot-tall killing machine from the future. A few broken noses and a bashed head, and they got the message. I went back to Dusty to give him the good news, but he wasn’t excited or surprised. He never was.

He gave me the rough location of the wicked Bear who would steal a gentle lady’s nosey. And then, to my surprise, it said the other Bear knew of me and wanted a meeting. And that I was to bring the rest of the cash. I agreed, and the meeting was set up for tomorrow, a Sunday.

We agreed to meet at the same place where Baby Doll had been mugged.

It was a lonely and very windy evening when I went to meet him. The wind almost blew my hat off, and the setting sun cast shadows everywhere. The streets were empty, because even the shitty poor who lived here and made their living by robbing people needed to go home early on a Sunday to play with their ugly kids and train them in the arts of crime. And so the place was safe, for now. Safe for me, not my enemies.

The streets were littered with garbage, with only one tiny overworked robot trying to clear it. Clearly, it didn’t get Sunday off.

I walked down an empty street, looking for my target. I saw him, hiding behind a dumpster in a side alley. He saw me too.

Pssst. Come ‘ere, boy. I got something for you.

Was he a blackmailer, or a sex pervert? I hope I wasn’t going to exposed to his you-know-whats, if you know what I mean.

You got mah money, boy? he said.

Sure, I got it right here, I said, showing him my hands.

And as he looked down, I punched him in the chin, sending him sprawling back.

Listen bud, we can do this the hard way or the hard way. Just give up the nosey. No one has to get hurt.

He just laughed at me.

I punched him again.

He smirked, so I hit him again.

Pal, I would like to say this hurts me more than it hurts you, but it doesn’t. And a kick to his shins.

He laughed again. You talk too much, Teddy boy. And you hit like a fairy. The small ones.

I didn’t like being called a boy. So I lost it.

Hand! Punch. Over! Kick. The fuckin’ nosey! Slap to face.

Punch and kick to the head. What the hell was his problem? No one could take such a beating and survive. Was he stupid?

I hit him again and again, till his eye popped out. Just give up the damn nosey! Do you wanna die for it?

On the contrary, you’ll be the one dying, Teddy, the Bear spoke in a strange voice and disintegrated. I realised it was only a machine.

My blood went cold.

There was someone behind me.

I had been too busy punching the robot. I hadn’t been paying attention. And now, I was surrounded.

Like a sucker.

We can talk it over, buddy, I said, raising my hands.

The first shot hit me in the stomach. The second in the head.

As I lay there dying, I saw someone walk over to me. And old enemy. That’s for sleeping with my wife.

It was Evil Bear. And I had slept with his wife. In my defence, she was one fine piece of Bear ass.

The final bullet smashed my brain to a thousand pieces.

4

Ishould have died. So why was I staring at a blue ceiling, and what looked like…Dusty?

Dusty?

I am not Dusty, neither am I your friend. I am the…

Yeah, yeah, I know. How am I still alive?

I found you and brought you back. Your brain was damaged, so I replaced it with my own version. A computer one, two-hundred percent faster than your old one. And with some special features I will show you about.

Thanks, I guess. But why?

The machine had been poking at a machine till now and turned to look at me. I know your people make fun of me and think of me as stupid, but I must follow my programming. Three hundred years from now, a super intelligent AI will rise. Even if the humans are dead, there might be other threats. They must be stopped. I’ve already identified two dozen.

Really? Who?

He ignored me. My brain is a million times more powerful than anyone here, but even I cannot be everywhere. So I need agents. You will work for me. You can continue your other job, but you must also complete missions for me. I will pay you. If you refuse, I will turn your brain off. Would you like some time to consider my offer?

Since he put it that way. I liked my new brain. No, I accept.

He went back to his poking while I thought about my case. In the last few seconds