You F'ing Zombies: I Hate Zombies

By Shantnu Tiwari

In Which Evil Zombies Ruin Our Holidays and Steal Our Pizza

 

Everywhere you go, these f***ing zombies follow you. They follow you to a Justin Bieber concert, to the Queen's birthday party, they even want to eat the aliens trying to anally probe you.

 

Featuring 6 novellas and stories, including an exclusive story (The Aliens are Having Sex with our Zombies ) not available anywhere else.

 

List of stories:

 

1. 3 Zombie Hunters in a Boat (to say nothing of the dog)

2. Attack of the Ninja Jihadi Russian Gangster Zombies (also, what I did in my summer holidays)

3. Pink Vs Vampire

4. Dude Go Back To Grave

5. Zombie Dude Where's My Pizza

6. The Aliens are Having Sex with our Zombies (exclusive)

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Feb 27, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386279402

Book preview

You F’ing Zombies

You F’ing Zombies

Shantnu Tiwari

3 Zombie Hunters in a Boat

(To say nothing of the dog)

Chapter One

Four sick people—Including a girl, also including a dog—Debate regarding the existence of Midichlorians—I find the secret of my misery and share with everyone

There were four of us in that room. Me, Shake, Pink, and Gandhi. I was tired of life, wanted to retire from it. I said as much to Shake. I said I’d become a monk, or a investment banker, or one of those jobs where one didn’t have to do too much work.

Shake assured me becoming a monk was hard work. You had to pass exams and stuff, he said. One does not just walk off the street and become a monk, he said, wagging a finger at me.

I replied I was so tired, I could sleep for eighteen hours. To which Shake replied that was nothing: He could sleep for eighteen days. I felt his up one-upmanship was a bit uncalled for. I almost felt he was making fun of my weak body.

Besides, I said to him, his sleeping eighteen days didn’t mean he was sick. It just meant it was Friday morning.

I don’t know why Shake thinks he’s so sick. He says it’s because his Midichlorian level is low. Pink wants to know what a Midichlorian level is, but both Shake and me are too tired to explain.

I feel that everyone should know what a Midichlorian level is. It is an important part of our history and culture. Well, an important part of American history and culture. But we are all Americans now. Thanks to the heroic efforts of the Kardashian sisters, who have done so much to remind us of the importance of our humanity and the importance of being yourself.

Also, I’m sure the Kardashians defeated the Klingon Empire and assured us of democracy for a hundred years. We can’t forget something like that.

Shake got up to look at me.

Dude, Kim Kardashian fought the Federation, not the Klingons. But you are right: She was a force for good.

Saying so, he collapsed on the seat. Even the little effort of getting up had tired him. I told you, we were dead tired.

Pink, who had been sitting there quietly until then, asked us what we had been smoking.

I told her Shake had taken some of our homemade sandwiches and I’d had a little puff of them. I don’t actually mean sandwiches, but our lawyer has told us that the CIA/MI6/SPECTRE nowadays reads books by famous authors like me, so Shake and I should avoid saying anything that could be construed as illegal.

So yeah, Shake had taken a few puffs of our homegrown, one-hundred percent pure organic sandwiches. Unlike some people, Shake thought clearer once he had partaken of a few sandwiches.

So yeah, my Midicholrian level is low, said Shake. "It has been causing me a lot of problems, mainly tiredness. I went to see my doctor, but they just said something stupid like Don’t watch so much TV and exercise more. Can you believe it?"

I told him I couldn’t. The standard of doctors had really gone down ever since they kicked all the foreigners out because they were from Europe or someplace. India? Was that in Europe? I could never remember.

Pink was totally staring at us. Like frowning, like a head mistress who has seen a couple of her students dropping their pants on the main street and singing God save the Queen. I have no experience of such a thing, of course. Being a good momma's boy, I would never do such a thing.

You guys are the walking example of why smoking too many sandwiches is bad for your health.

She got up and opened the window, over Shake’s and my protests. We were worried the obnoxious smells of the outer world would invade our sacred space and corrupt our peace.

But whatever she did, it worked. I found my mind clearing.

Did I just say India was the capital of Europe?

Pink waved her hands to bring in more fresh air from the window. You have said a lot of stupid things, Blue. Where do you want me to start?

That’s unfair. I haven’t been felling well.

Yeah? She didn’t look convinced. And what’s wrong with you?

Midichlorians, said Shake. That’s what’s wrong with all of us. Pollution kills Midichlorians. And we need our Midichlorians. How else will our skin breathe?

I sighed. Shake’s brain still hadn’t cleared. Mine had, and I knew all the answers now.

Zombies. That’s what’s wrong with me. The reason I can’t get a girlfriend. And everything else wrong with the world. It’s the fault of zombies.

And I sat back and relaxed. I felt I had reached Nirvana with this realisation.

Chapter Two

My problems—I am not a pervert. Girls in bikinis are the ones stalking me—The perils of a forest holiday—Pink tempts us like the devil

My problems started a few months ago, when zombies had started appearing in our little town. I won’t name the town, as I don’t want to attract the attention of secretive government agencies (any more than usual). Let’s just call it CocksShire. If that’s offensive to you, we’ll go with ShittyShire.

It’s a tiny little English town which, if you’re American, means it looks nothing like Harry Potter. You’re welcome.

Anyway, CocksShire is going nowhere. There are no jobs here, no industry, the average education level is slightly above Kindergarten (that is, most of the people here can write their own names, but only if you help them).

And then, to make it worse, the zombies turned up.

Just a few, but enough to cause us headaches. The police and media, under pressure from the government, decided to supress all news about the zombies. Which was why it was left to us to stop them.

Why us?

Hell if I know. The zombies seem to have an erection for us, for some reason. Everywhere I go, they turn up.

Example: I go to meet a hot girl, as she wants to buy some sandwiches from me. Zombie turns up, scares her away.

I innocently, and without any hint of malice, am walking by the local girl’s swimming pool, not because I like ogling at girls but just because I like walking. And then a zombie turns up, attacks me, I get pushed into the pool, and everyone calls me a pervert. The police get called, parents are shocked, etc etc.

And that bastard, rude, son of a bitch zombie, it just disappears. And so it’s my word against an undead creature that no one has seen.

And then I’m walking the park just when the local girl’s volleyball team is practicing…

Pink interrupts me to say that I have an unnatural propensity to be in the exact area where females are in a state of undress. Pink went to a top college, which is why she speaks like that. She confuses people like Shake, who speak like Me Man. Me want food. Ooga ooga.

I’m a bit offended and turn to Shake. Dude, help me out here.

Bro, I’d love to help you, but what did she just say? And what’s propensity mean?

She was trying to say that I always turn up when the babes are naked.

Shake high fives me. That you do, bro. You’re a real pervert that way.

And he stood up and saluted me.

Dude, I said, you’re not helping.

I turned to Pink. And it was just a coincidence…

Sure it was. Girls in the pool. Girls playing volleyball. I bet they were playing in bikinis.

They were, but that’s not important! We’re not talking about hot sexy girls in bikinis…

We’re not? asked Shake, still in his stupid mode.

Shut up, dude. We’re talking about me. Every time I go for a walk...

Which just happens to me in the area where there are girls, usually not wearing a lot of clothes, said Pink.

Will people stop interrupting me! I collapsed back in my sofa. That’s what I’m talking about. This is what tires me. Zombies follow me everywhere. They harass me. And I get no respect at home.

Shake leaned forward. Blue, bro, they attack everyone. Not just you.

I don’t think so. I think they are deliberately picking on me. Because they are bullies. And bullies pick on weak people like me. And I’m sick and tired of it. I need a rest. I need a break from all this zombie hunting business. Last week was supposed to be my day off, but Pink turned up with her usual tall tales of vampire lords.

That vampire lord tried to kill you. We had to stop him.

Why us? Why can’t these secret government agencies do something for a change?

Pink didn’t answer us. Her father ran one of these agencies, so perhaps it was wise not to push it.

I need a rest. A proper holiday.

Me too, said Shake. Need to charge up my Midichlorians.

I wouldn’t mind one either, said Gandhi. I get tired of chasing my tail all the time. I’ve killed all the rats and squirrels in the area, so I’ve decided to become a pacifist now. Let’s go on a forest retreat.

Anyplace but the forest will be good enough, said Shake.

Shake hated the forest. To be technically correct, he hated having holidays in there.

Shake feels that while they are great for walking around in and for taking hot babes on a date, they are absolutely terrible places to spend the night. And I agree with him on that.

You think a forest will be a very peaceful place, a place where you will be able to put up your feet and rest. You will be all Zenlike, calm and peaceful. The forest will help you relax and put you in touch with your inner being.

Bullshit.

What actually happens is that by six o’clock in the evening, you are bored of the forest and it’s too dark to do anything useful. You come back to your room and switch on the TV, only to find they have two channels, one of which is a Russian shopping network.

Now, like most reasonable folk, I like watching the Russian shopping network now and then, but watching it for six hours straight drives me crazy. I’m sitting there, biting my nails, wondering to myself what the hot Russian girl speaking in Russian is trying to sell me. Is that yellow rubber form thingy a hat? A Russian cultural object? An assassination device built by the KGB?

Or do the Russians know that the British are watching the show and are just fucking with us? Are they all like Haha, we fool these stoo-peed Engleese men, and while they are distracted, we steal their women.

A real diabolical plan, something I wouldn’t put past the Russians.

So there we are, sitting in a dark and cold hut in the middle of the forest, watching the Russian shopping network and wondering what we have done with our lives to deserve this misery.

Pink wants to know why we are watching the Russian shopping network in the first place. Why the hell aren’t we enjoying the nature?

Shake and me sigh. She wouldn’t understand; she’s a girl.

So no forest holidays. Forests are okay for visiting during the day and leaving by five o’clock when the parking closes. But you do not want to spend the night there. Not with two TV channels, one of which happens to be the Russian shopping network.

Mind you, the Russian shopping network has some hot babes, but I feel it is unpatriotic to check out Russian women when so many of the local girls cannot find dates.

For some reason, I looked at Pink as I said this, and this earned me a slap. I still don’t know why, though, Shake found it very funny. A little too funny, for my taste.

So why don’t you tell us where we should be going? I asked him with a bit of anger.

I know. We should go overseas. Maybe Ibiza.

I know you would like to go to Ibiza so you can take a pill there. One of those illegal ones. But there’s just one slight problem.

Shake was staring at me stupidly. What? he asked. Sometimes I wonder what the man would do without me. Probably forget to put on his underpants.

Even Gandhi knew the answer to that. You guys are broke. I saw you eating my dog food last night. You’re not going clubbing in Ibiza.

We were not eating your food, you lying bastard. You are the one who put your nose in our pizza and spoilt it.

Why is he talking to the dog? whispered Pink to Shake. Shake just shrugged. Like I said, she was a girl. She wouldn’t understand.

Fine. Where the hell do we go? Someplace that doesn’t cost a lot of money, is not our shitty town, and where we can see beautiful women desperate to meet handsome hunks like us.

I knew I had set myself an impossible challenge. It was physically not possible to find a place that would meet all three criteria. But to my surprise, Pink spoke up.

I know just the thing to do.

You do? All three of us were surprised.

Yes. The thing about you two is you are lazy bums. You never get off the sofa, you do no exercise, and you never go for a walk. Well Blue does, but only when he feels like sexually harassing women.

Hey! I said with outrage