The Chosen One (is an Idiot)

By Shantnu Tiwari

The World is Ending, But the Chosen One Can't Be Bothered

 

The World is going to end in three days. Humanity faces its biggest danger yet…

 

The world needs a hero. A true warrior. A brave soul willing to fight the forces of evil.

 

Instead, it has Nikki—a college student trying to save the world in her pyjamas and pink fluffy slippers.

 

Nikki finds herself thrown in the middle of supervillains, demons, politically correct cultists, and worst of all, they all seem to think she is the Chosen One and want her dead. This is her first time as the Chosen One, so she doesn't have much experience (plus the pay sucks).

 

Can Nikki save the world, or has the Committee for Choosing Chosen Ones (CCCO) made a mistake this time?

 

An urban fantasy comedy.

 

Interview with the Author

 

Q: So what is the book about?

A: You know all these books/movies with the Chosen One trope? Some random guy becomes the Chosen One and suddenly gets all these superpowers?

Well, I thought, what if the Chosen One was incompetent, had no powers and didn't even want to be there?

To make the story work, the threat is real. The world will end in 3 days. Just the Chosen One is not special, she is literally a college dropout who would rather just drink hot chocolate.

 

Q: Where did you get the inspiration from?

A: I got bored of chosen one books/movies. The chosen one is usually the most boring character in the story. They are completely useless, then they get powers, and then they defeat villains who have been fighting for years. Yawn.

 

In my book, Nikki has no powers, she doesn't want to be a heroine, but everyone thinks she is the Chosen One and so they want to kill her. And so, she is forced to try to save the world. In her pink pyjamas and fluffy bunny slippers.

 

Another thing: I love Joseph Campbell's work, but Hollywood has turned the Hero's Journey into a retarded formula every movie must now use. This book also makes fun of the formula.

 

Q: Who would enjoy the story?

A: People like me who are bored of the same cliched "Chosen Idiot" type stories that are so popular. This book has comedy, but is still an urban fantasy book, so readers in that genre will enjoy it too.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Apr 28, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393885801

Book preview

1

The day was hot and stuffy. The type of day to be out in the sun, out in a park somewhere, sitting by the river, watching the ducks swim by, listening to the children play, smelling the freshly cut grass and flowers, a day to eat ice cream so cold it gave you brain freeze.

A day to be out with friends, a day to relax and be happy.

A day not, repeat not, to be spent sitting in a 1950s-built lecture room, complete with full grey peeling paint, a pale-yellow light that swung around when anyone on the first floor walked by, and wooden chairs so hard they dug into your skin.

This didn’t bother the lecturer, who kept droning on.

Blah blah blah, Hero’s Journey, blah blah blah, story structure, blah.

Nikki struggled to stay awake. She looked at the lecturer with barely one eye open. To make it worse, she had been late and had been forced to sit in the first row. Right in front of the teacher.

Blah blah am I boring you, Miss Nikki?

Eh?

Am I boring you?

Always, do you ever shut up? was the answer she wanted to give, but it would have sounded rude.

Nikki struggled to open her eyes, but they wouldn’t obey.

Mmmphhh, she replied, hoping the lecturer got the gist.

Her neighbour elbowed her. Wake up. Miss Summers is talking to you.

I’m awake. Stop harassing me, Nikki whispered harshly.

So, Miss Nikki, what do you think of the Hero’s Journey?

Nikki sat straight up. What she should have done was give the answer the teacher wanted to hear. And she would have if she hadn’t been so tired.

But she was. So to hell with it, she would say what she really wanted to say.

It’s a stupid boring cliché that every idiotic Disney movie, sorry, every single Hollywood movie, must now use. Which is why every movie looks the same.

There was a gasp in the room. OMG, did she say what we thought she did? Is the bimbo arguing with the teacher?

Nikki continued. And yet, we are forced to study it, like it is something unique and special. Some sort of secret sauce that can make a boring story interesting. Because we are too lazy to write original stories.

The lecturer crossed her arms. Her face had gone dark. This class is optional, Nikki. If you find the topic boring, why did you take it?

Optional for you, maybe. I had no option. They said take this class or you fail.

Bimbo, why don’t you study? someone said behind her.

Nikki turned around. Small dick, and everyone sniggered.

I’m sorry, Miss Nikki, that we are forcing you to listen to this boring lecture. You clearly had a hard night. You are still wearing that very tiny party dress, I see. Did you come straight from the club?

Shit. Nikki looked at herself. She knew she had forgotten something.

And yes, she had come straight from the club. Where she was working, not partying. But no one would believe her. And the dress did look, well let’s be honest, just a bit slutty.

So what do you know about the Hero’s Journey, Miss Nikki?

It is a retarded concept. An idiot could write a formulaic story with it.

The lecturer smiled, like Nikki had stepped into her trap.

And that’s great. Perhaps you can show us how it’s done.

The whole class burst out laughing now. They were enjoying this.

Nikki wasn’t going to be bullied.

She got up and made her way to the front.

Very well. Here is a Hero’s Journey story. Starring a Chosen One. Who is an Idiot. Like all Chosen Ones.

Please, do share with us your grand literary skills, said the lecturer, sarcasm and anger dripping from her very words.

Sure thing, said Nikki. And started. Once, a long time ago, in a land far far away…

Hey, Nikki, someone shouted, "are you stealing from Star Wars?"

Nikki threw a duster at his head, and an ouch was heard. "Shut up. Don’t interrupt me.

A long long time ago, there was an evil wizard. He was like, totally evil.

You mean totally? Not somewhat evil, but totally? whispered someone from the back, and then hid their head to not get attacked.

Yeah, totally evil. He didn’t pay his taxes, didn’t recycle, voted for the Conservatives, drove diesel cars, and never tipped at restaurants. So yeah, really evil. This evil dude wanted to rule the world.

Nikki noticed the crowd was starting to get bored, so she hammed it up a little. Her voice rose an octave, and she flourished her arms.

But, there was a prophesy! Yes, a Chosen One would come. He would be chosen.

Chosen by whom? screamed someone from the back.

If they were hoping to heckle Nikki, they didn’t succeed. Chosen by the Committee for Choosing Chosen Ones, of course. Also known as CCCO. The CCCO took out a lottery, and a man was chosen. He was promised great riches! Access to sexy women! A lifetime supply of mint candy! White teeth! The works! All he had to do was defeat the Evil Wizard.

Nikki paused for effect, and noticed everyone was staring at her. Even the lecturer, though pretending to be contemptuous, was enthralled.

But the hero refused the call. But that’s okay! The Hero’s Journey says the hero must first refuse the call, often for idiotic reasons. And so he did! But then five minutes later, he accepted it. Because it says so in the Hero’s Journey Idiotic Cliché Handbook that every Hollywood movie uses.

Just because a few Hollywood movies have abused the concept doesn’t mean the idea is bad, her teacher tried to interject, but Nikki silenced her with a hand. The teacher was offended.

"And so, our boring hero, with no real skills other than he had won the Chosen One Lottery, went out into the world. There, he met up with many companions who were far more interesting than him, but destined to die in poverty and infamy because they hadn’t won the Lottery.

And so, our plain hero journeyed through the lands. He found true love, then lost it. He found a little puppy, then lost it. Then found it again. He found the car insurance that truly was the cheapest.

She paused for dramatic effect.

He didn’t lose that, as it was guaranteed low price!

How long are you going to go on? asked the teacher, starting to get irritated.

I’m about done, bitch, murmured Nikki under her breath, then continued with her normal voice. "Our hero met a lot of supernatural challenges. A goddess fell in love with him and helped him. The devil tried to tempt him with a sexy girl, but failed, as our hero was gay.

"And then finally, our hero met the Evil Villain, and confronted him as he was about to throw newspapers in the black bin and not the recycling blue bin.

"‘Evil villain, thy plans are over.’

"‘Haha! They are not. I have one final game.’

"And the villain let loose a disease. One that would wipe out the planet.

But our hero sacrificed his life to save the planet. And for that, he got the Nobel Peace Prize, The Order of the British Empire, and the Chessington Village Person of the Week award. Also a free donut. Which he couldn’t eat, as he was dead. The End. Thank you.

Nikki bowed to the class, then turned to the teacher.

And yes, you do bore me. I don’t think I will be turning in my homework. And now, goodbye. Enjoy the rest of your day, losers.

And leaving everyone staring at her with an open mouth, Nikki walked out of the room.

And as she left, she realised that by dropping out, she had just killed her own Hero’s Journey.

2

On the way back, she got a lot of lewd comments about her dress. Normally, she wouldn’t mind, but today she was in a bad mood. So she said some very unladylike things that made her harassers blush. Pussies. They knew how to dish it out but not take it.

She made her way home and the first thing she did was change into more comfortable pyjamas, pink and with bunnies on them, her favourite. She also put on her comfy bunny slippers and made herself a cup of mint-flavoured hot chocolate.

It was still early morning and she didn’t have any more classes that day. She would probably go to sleep later on.

As she sat on the huge sofa, Nikki thought of her mother. Her mother had warned her this would happen. You are not the intellectual type. You won’t make it in uni. Come to work with me.

Nikki had almost thought of agreeing when her mother had added, You’re just a dumb blonde like me. You won’t pass college anyway.

And that had done it. Her mother had been a Page 3 model who now worked as an organiser in fashion shows. The most highbrow thing she had ever done was when she had