Zombies vs Dragons: I Hate Zombies

By Shantnu Tiwari

In Which Our Heroes Must Stop a World War, Save the World and Order Pizza for Takeaway

 

Our heroes, Blue and Shake, are stuck in a parallel dimension where World War II is still being waged, but not against the Nazis.

 

It is being waged against dragons.

 

At least no one was stupid enough to try and raise an army of zombies to fight the dragons.

 

Oh wait…

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Feb 4, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386132783

Book preview

1

There are two things I really hate in life.

Zombies.

Yeah man, them zombies sure made my life difficult. Made sure I never got no girlfriend.

Shake says I should stop talking like an American hilly billy. He reminds me I was born in middle England, that I have never been to America, that I probably can’t even spell America (I can), and that just because I have seen a million American movies, that does not, in fact, make me an expert on America.

To which I say: It totally do, boy. Now stop messin’ with ma book and git me some beer, boy.

Jenny wants to slap me.

Oju says he wants an ice cream milkshake. And also, he wants to know what the second thing I hate is.

Who is Oju, you ask? I’ll tell you. Later.

And you can get your own milkshake, you damn brat.

So yeah, the two things I hate are zombies.

Shake says that’s only one.

Shut up. I know how to count.

Zombies are the reason I don’t have a sex life.

Jenny has taken the computer away from me. And on pain of torture, she is making me write this.

She says the reason I don’t have a girlfriend is because I am a sex-starved, boorish, sexist pig who has the manners of a sexist pig that just swam in its own poop.

Of course, it’s a lie.

The reason I don’t have a girlfriend is not because of what Jenny said. It’s cause of the zombies. They keep harassing me. Not sexual harassment. Just plain bullying, the sort zombies excel at. I think zombies are jealous of me. My mom used to say I’m such a sweet boy, and that makes people jealous. I think it was the same with zombies.

Shake wants to know how the hell can zombies be jealous of me. What the hell do I have they don’t?

Brains, I say.

Jenny snorts loudly, like a pig in heat. Hardly, she says. Also, she says pigs don’t snort in the heat. I’ll have to bow before her exalted wisdom in this case, as I don’t know what pigs do in heat. I’ll have to check with my lawyer. Shake says lawyers don’t know stuff like that. Whoever, then.

So yeah, zombies keep harassing me. It’s so bad, I’m thinking of complaining. Everywhere I go, they turn up, saying Raargh raargh we want your brains and your wallet and your car keys. And they chase all the hot girls away. It’s like they have a vendetta against me.

Shake assures me they do not have a vendetta against me. He reminds me the zombies tried to murder all of London, so I can hardly say they are out to get me. To which I remind him I was in London, and I’m pretty sure the zombies were out to get me. Everyone else in London was just a side casualty. A collage damage, as the American army says.

Jenny keeps yacking on something about collateral damage. I tell her that’s not even a word.

So yeah, zombies have it in for me. They totally hate me. I can’t get a girlfriend, and it’s their fault.

Oju wants to know what the second thing is. Also, he wants an ice cream milkshake.

I tell him I’m not his butler. He can get his own damn milkshake.

How, he asks.

Just go to the kitchen and make one, I say. Jeez, what is he, a goddamn child?

Oju assures me he is a goddamn child, being only eleven years old. Jenny asks me to stop swearing in front of the kid. Besides, she says, where the hell will we find a mixer in World War II London?

Did I forgot to tell you we were stuck in World War II London? ‘Cause that’s important.

We were stuck in World War II London.

There, I told you.

Shake says I should stop repeating myself and get on with the story.

I assure him, in all seriousness, that since this is my bloomin’ book, I will do what I want.

So we were stuck behind some barbed wire. I could see an unexploded bomb simmering near us. It smelt of sulphur, which, if you have never had the pleasure of blowing up your chemistry class, smells like rotten eggs fart. Yes thank you, I will accept my Nobel Prize for Chemistry now. Rotten eggs fart: I do need some sort of an award for thinking that up.

It was just the four of us: Me, Jenny, Shake, and the kid Oju. The place was dead silent, other than our chattering, and by our, I mean mine. It was dead silent because everyone around us was dead or had run away.

The bomb lay smoldering there, like it was lonely. If it had been human, it would have been thinking: Hey man! What’s my purpose in life, man? Why was I created? I am a unique snowflake. So why am I not exploding? I should call a psychic. What is the meaning of life, the universe, everything?"

Forty two, I shouted out. And prayed the bomb would not explode just yet. We were in no position to run, for reasons I can’t explain now.

So we were sitting in World War II London, surrounded by barbed wire, empty buildings, boarded up and crumbling. No one had lived in these houses for years. Decades, in some cases. With daily aerial attacks, it was stupid to. People had left for the countryside and were hiding out in the wilderness, hunting for food like some sort of modern Neanderthals. I don’t even know what a Neanderthal is; I just heard the term and think it is cool so I am using it. I think it means Cave Man Robin Hood of some sort.

So London was a ghost town. The population of the whole city was like two thousand. Plus four idiots.

There was no one around us. Nothing. Not even animals. No cats, dogs, not even rats. Everything that moved and could be eaten had been eaten.

Hellooooo! I shouted. Anyone there?

Shut up! said Shake and Jenny together.

What’s the risk, man? No one’s here.

Blue, if you don’t shut up, there will be hints of violence, said Shake. He didn’t use those exact words. His words were more to do with his boot up my posterior, but I won’t repeat his filthy words here, since this is a family book.

I want an ice cream milkshake, said Oju.

Just shut up and get some, then, I said. Why the hell are you bothering us?

Stop being nasty to the child, said Jenny.

Should we be looking for the government? I asked.

There is no government. London has fallen, Jenny told me.

There must be something. Someone is fighting the war.

We don’t want to know, okay? We are here for one thing only. Let’s find it and get the hell out of here.

I nodded. Couldn’t argue with that.

We had come to find a time portal. A hole in time and space that would allow us to move into the next world. Only we weren’t going to move anywhere. We just wanted to close it.

We were the Laws of Physics police.

Break the laws of physics, travel across dimensions and/or time, and we cap your ass.

Please keep you hands and legs within your own dimension at all times. Thank you.

Why were we here?

I described that in the last book. Go read that, you cheapskate.

Quick version: We were trying to save our planet from a threat in the future, one that was opening holes in time and space.

If you don’t understand Quantum-Relativistic physics, let me give you the dummies version: Holes in time and space, bad. Must be closed. Else all go boom. Got that? I can draw pictures if you want.

And that’s why we were in this parallel dimension London where WWII was still raging.

Only it wasn’t being fought against the Germans. If you have read the title of the book, you know what it was being fought against.

If you found this book with the title page torn off and think this is a book on the art history of the bowler hat, let me tell you what we were facing in that desolate, smoldering, lonely, quiet, and haunted London: Pizza delivery men. Who were late with our pizzas and hence needed to be destroyed.

You still haven’t bought me an ice cream, said Oju.

Dude, I said. Are little kids dudes? Or do you have to be a manly man like me and Shake (okay, just me)? I don’t know. Not being an expert in the grammar science, I didn’t know. So I just called him dude.

Dude, where will I buy you an ice cream from? Look around you. Do you see an ice cream stall? Do you see people who would buy ice cream? In fact, do you see people at all? Or ice cream? We are in the middle of an apocalypse. There are no ice cream vans around. Where did you find this kid, anyway? I asked Jenny.

Long story. How did you two end up in the emperor’s harem?

Long story.

What is the second thing you hate? asked Oju again.

Jenny stood with her hands on her hips. I have time.

Fine. You know how these women are. They always have their way. It all started when we crossed the time space portal into this dimension.

2

R eady, Shake? I asked.

I was born ready, said Shake. I felt it was a bad time to be making clichéd jokes, but Shake was the king of bad jokes. He could have, and has, written the book on the topic.

We were about to enter a parallel dimension, a dimension we knew