3 Zombie Hunters In A Boat (To Say Nothing Of The Dog): I Hate Zombies

By Shantnu Tiwari

Three friends (and their irritating dog) are tired from overwork and decide to go on a relaxing boat trip.



 

A chilled out boat trip, admiring the beautiful scenery (and beautiful women) and enjoying nature.

 

What could go wrong?

 

Everything goes wrong.

 

They meet monsters, zombies, and worse of all, 
Justin Bieber fans…. (cue scary music).



 

A comedy horror story featuring two geeky and stoned monster hunters.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Shantnu Tiwari
• Release date: Feb 3, 2018
• ISBN: 9781386982586

Book preview

1

Four sick people—Including a girl, also including a dog—Debate regarding the existence of Midichlorians—I find the secret of my misery and share with everyone

There were four of us in that room. Me, Shake, Pink, and Gandhi. I was tired of life, wanted to retire from it. I said as much to Shake. I said I’d become a monk, or a investment banker, or one of those jobs where one didn’t have to do too much work.

Shake assured me becoming a monk was hard work. You had to pass exams and stuff, he said. One does not just walk off the street and become a monk, he said, wagging a finger at me.

I replied I was so tired, I could sleep for eighteen hours. To which Shake replied that was nothing: He could sleep for eighteen days. I felt his up one-upmanship was a bit uncalled for. I almost felt he was making fun of my weak body.

Besides, I said to him, his sleeping eighteen days didn’t mean he was sick. It just meant it was Friday morning.

I don’t know why Shake thinks he’s so sick. He says it’s because his Midichlorian level is low. Pink wants to know what a Midichlorian level is, but both Shake and me are too tired to explain.

I feel that everyone should know what a Midichlorian level is. It is an important part of our history and culture. Well, an important part of American history and culture. But we are all Americans now. Thanks to the heroic efforts of the Kardashian sisters, who have done so much to remind us of the importance of our humanity and the importance of being yourself.

Also, I’m sure the Kardashians defeated the Klingon Empire and assured us of democracy for a hundred years. We can’t forget something like that.

Shake got up to look at me.

Dude, Kim Kardashian fought the Federation, not the Klingons. But you are right: She was a force for good.

Saying so, he collapsed on the seat. Even the little effort of getting up had tired him. I told you, we were dead tired.

Pink, who had been sitting there quietly until then, asked us what we had been smoking.

I told her Shake had taken some of our homemade sandwiches and I’d had a little puff of them. I don’t actually mean sandwiches, but our lawyer has told us that the CIA/MI6/SPECTRE nowadays reads books by famous authors like me, so Shake and I should avoid saying anything that could be construed as illegal.

So yeah, Shake had taken a few puffs of our homegrown, one-hundred percent pure organic sandwiches. Unlike some people, Shake thought clearer once he had partaken of a few sandwiches.

So yeah, my Midicholrian level is low, said Shake. "It has been causing me a lot of problems, mainly tiredness. I went to see my doctor, but they just said something stupid like Don’t watch so much TV and exercise more. Can you believe it?"

I told him I couldn’t. The standard of doctors had really gone down ever since they kicked all the foreigners out because they were from Europe or someplace. India? Was that in Europe? I could never remember.

Pink was totally staring at us. Like frowning, like a head mistress who has seen a couple of her students dropping their pants on the main street and singing God save the Queen. I have no experience of such a thing, of course. Being a good momma's boy, I would never do such a thing.

You guys are the walking example of why smoking too many sandwiches is bad for your health.

She got up and opened the window, over Shake’s and my protests. We were worried the obnoxious smells of the outer world would invade our sacred space and corrupt our peace.

But whatever she did, it worked. I found my mind clearing.

Did I just say India was the capital of Europe?

Pink waved her hands to bring in more fresh air from the window. You have said a lot of stupid things, Blue. Where do you want me to start?

That’s unfair. I haven’t been feeling well.

Yeah? She didn’t look convinced. And what’s wrong with you?

Midichlorians, said Shake. That’s what’s wrong with all of us. Pollution kills Midichlorians. And we need our Midichlorians. How else will our skin breathe?

I sighed. Shake’s brain still hadn’t cleared. Mine had,