Ward's Laws Part 4

By Doug Ward

These are the continuing jokes of Ward’s Laws. Its three-year mission: to explore silly thoughts; to seek out new humor and new life observations; to boldly joke where no man has joked before.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Doug Ward
• Release date: Apr 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781310719622

Doug Ward

Doug Ward currently lives in Western Pennsylvania and is a graduate of Slippery Rock University. He has a BFA is in Fine Art and spends much of his time doing oil paintings, which incorporate mythology and science, and writing.Doug's most recent series is "The War of the Stone." It is a fantasy series that introduces his world and the mythological beings who inhabit it. The first book is called, "Lich." If you like goblins, necromancers, and mayhem in general, this series is for you.Of his first series, The True Story of the Zombie Apocalypse, Doug Ward says, "I like to write about parasitic zombies. They feel (to me) more scientifically grounded than other types. It's also pretty scary how many parasitic creatures are inside of us at this very moment. Some have even bonded with us for so long that they are actually a part of our DNA. Parasites have been known to take over their hosts. A few years ago, my wife called me from a friend's house and said that a mouse kept trying to snuggle with the cat. Actually nuzzling up to the cat's face. I quickly informed her that the mouse was infected by a parasite and that they needed to remove it from the house immediately.The parasite wanted to be eaten by the cat so it could continue its life cycle in the bowels of the unfortunate creature. This flatworm not only controls mice, but it can infect humans as well. "I have blended many scientific ideas into Parasite, which is a four book series.Saving Jebediah is a fun piece of fan fiction I wrote for a contest Mark Tufo was having. It should be read as a prequel because the characters in Saving Jebediah turn up in the 4 book series."If you want to get in touch, you can find him at https://wardswoods.wixsite.com/dougward, tweet him @authordougward, and check out his fan page at https://www.facebook.com/wardswoods/.

Book preview

Ward’s Laws Part IV

By Doug Ward

Copyright 2015 Doug Ward

Smashwords Edition

About Ward’s Laws

These are the continuing jokes of Ward’s Laws. Its three-year mission: to explore silly thoughts; to seek out new humor and new life observations; to boldly joke where no man has joked before.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to all of my friends. You guys are the best. This includes my Facebook, Twitter, and Blogspot friends. It was with you’re encouragement that I kept writing these funnies. I guess you guys are to blame.

What you need to know before reading Ward’s Laws

Ward’s Laws aren’t really laws at all. At least, they are not in the legal sense. I liken them to the laws of science because they are based on my observations. I have had some of my friends suggest different titles for them, such as Ward’s Words (which I like a lot.) I just can’t seem to make the change. So throw logic out the window and prepare yourself for some Ward’s Laws silliness.

Ward's Laws #1501 The queen of England shouldn't put the royal jewels on display. Poor Charles was probably very embarrassed, as well as a little cold.

Ward's Laws #1502 Isn't it ironic that Alessandro Volta invented the battery?

Ward's Laws #1503 If you call a clock Big Ben, doesn't that imply there's a Little Ben out there somewhere? If not, wouldn't we just call it Ben? Did the royal family lock it away in some forgotten tower? I think Ward's Laws just uncovered another royal scandal.

Ward's Laws #1504 It's time once again for the crack staff at Ward's Laws to stand up for the downtrodden. I think The Steve Miller Band owes me a refund as well as a big apology. I recently actually listened to their Fly like an Eagle 8Track tape and found it severely lacking. For instance, Take the Money and Run literally has no story. Two young drug-using hicks kill a man while robbing his castle. Then the song introduces a cop who's good at solving crimes while being paid by (other) peoples taxes (not like his own taxes don't contribute to his income.) Then the couple meets up and gets away... with theft and murder... Why'd they even put the verses about Billy Mack in the song? He literally plays no part other than to be criticized! Don't get me started about how repetitive the rest of the album was. Fly like an Eagle is hypnotic in it's use of only two lines throughout the song. That pattern is recycled in Dance, Dance, Dance. (Notice they even used a repetitive title.) Repetition is just a way of masking lack of creativity. I believe I spent $5.00 in JC Penney's for this 8Track. The offending music is 1/4th of the tape so I want $1.25. And for the countless hours of having to hear these songs over the radio, the grand total they owe me comes to $1,372,668.41. I'll take my check now you long haired country-fried hippies. Who's the Joker now!

Ward's Laws #1505 The whole Michael Myers killing spree could have been avoided. He only wanted to kill his sister. If she would have just gone willingly, think of all the people who could have lived?

Ward's Laws #1506 If Bigfoot are so good at hiding, why do they always walk out in front of car headlights?

Ward's Laws #1507 I like to visit restaurants that serve foreign food. Indian and Mexican are among my favorites, but there's nothing like eating a fine Canadian breakfast. My usual haunt for this is Tim Horton's. It features some fine Canadian foods like; Canadian bacon, when placed on a muffin baked with canola oil and topped with American processed cheese (Invented by a Canadian), maple syrup and an egg (no, the egg isn't a Canadian invention but the carton surely is.) On the