A Mercenary, Some Spanners, A Triffid And A Hedge

By Dan W.Griffin

Welcome to the second piece of the jigsaw of the mangled sludge of words and stuff that will eventually curdle and congeal into the boondoggle of the memoir, No stranger to the P45. This is actually a prequel to the first mini-book, 'A hitman, a chopstick and a darlek' and describes my experience working in five different bars. Described by some as '... fabulously funny', ... crazy and bizarre but very clever', and 'Totally engaging', I say: 'Would you like fries with that?'

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dan W.Griffin
• Release date: Nov 19, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311954886

Dan W.Griffin

If you have ever wondered what it would be like to crash a fairground ride, upset the Russian mob, humiliate yourself in front of two and a half million people, fall asleep on a push-bike, pole dance, be Santa Claus, be run out of town by more gangsters intent on snapping your legs like Twiglets, receive a VIP tour of The Whitehouse, forge an identity, be fired from the same job twice in as many days, make a movie with an Oscar-nominated Hollywood actress, have a crazed psycho break into your flat at 3am intent on causing you serious physical aggravation with a screwdriver, fleece a pensioner out of their hard-saved cash, be pursued by the paparazzi, simultaneously implode three companies, make weaponised plutonium or be normal...then you're no longer alone. Welcome to Danland.

Book preview

NO STRANGER TO THE P45's

A MERCENARY, SOME SPANNERS, A TRIFFID AND A SHED

by

Dan W.Griffin

SMASHWORDS EDITION

Copyright © 2014 Dan W.Griffin

PUBLISHED BY DAN W.GRIFFIN

on

SMASHWORDS

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be resold or passed on to others. If you would like to share this eBook please purchase additional copies for each recipient. If you are reading this eBook and you did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, please return to Smashwords.com or your favourite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of the author.

Introduction

Psychopaths and a butterfly, and a nice cup of tea

Keystone Cops and a whole bunch of oiks... and some chicken in a basket

The Cat and Hammer

Popcorn and putty... and a reference to that bloke named God

Knuckle-dusters, pork scratchings and gout

About the Author

Introduction

There really is no way of redeeming oneself after an uncontrolled sneeze explodes across the arm of an attractive girl one is trying to impress. No amount of apologies can ever excuse it, and as she wipes the slimy goop from the lightly-freckled flesh of her arm, her face darkening with utter horror and disgust like the rolling clouds of an advancing apocalypse, there is possibly only one thing to do: leave.

Ordinarily, one can anticipate a sneeze. The sensation of a small insect buzzing about in one's nasal cavity is often a giveaway, and appropriate preparation for one's actions is thus possible. On the rare occasions no time is available to excuse oneself to the nearest convenience one can, and certainly should turn away and otherwise expel the snot cocktail either into one's hand or perhaps the face of a passing chav. This is not something I learned working in bars across the country, but it is probably the best piece of advice I can pass on. I hope it helps...

Anyway...

This particular incident actually occurred a couple of years ago in a bar in my home city of Bath, and not during one of the many shifts worked serving booze in Bristol, Sunderland, St Andrews or Frome. I mention it because with a whir and a beep and a crunch and a ping, my mind is scrolling through the jobs featured in this new mini-book; another piece of the jigsaw that will eventually curdle and congeal into the boondoggle of the memoir, No stranger to the P45. It has absolutely nothing to do with the wish I could have conjured up a similar explosion of gunk-type matter last week when, after meeting a beautiful woman with whom I one day hoped to pick-out curtains, I was ditched for a Frenchman with a beak like Concorde and hair like a bedraggled rat.

Still... Welcome to Danland.

No stranger to the P45 is an anecdotal extravaganza chronicling the hundred-plus jobs and misadventures in business of my career thus far. This particular piece of the literary jigsaw... perhaps better described as simply a jumbled sludge of words and stuff... is in fact a prequel; a mini-book pre-dating the first I rather unimaginatively titled 'A hitman, a chopstick and a darlek'. This instalment features my first five jobs in the bar industry. There were many more, but one should be patient as I shall include these in the next instalment. Besides, I haven't actually written them yet. I do have a working title for