Ward's Laws

By Doug Ward

Ward's Laws has appeared on the iTunes Humour genre charts 11 times. It has appeared on charts in Australia, USA.

Ward’s Laws is a silly thing I started on Facebook. When I first opened my account I did what every other forty-something year old does, I froze. I didn’t know what to write.

I started posting the usual stuff. I talked about my day, my dog, my bathroom habits and said LOL a lot, but that just wasn’t me. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to contribute to the good of the world (are you believing any of this yet?) After reinventing myself I started posting my observations of the world around me in the form of Ward’s Laws.

I now wrote about funny observations I made about everyday life. Silly word plays as well as things we see and do all the time but never question.

As the number of new posts grew, my friends on the site started telling me that I needed to publish these laws as a book. At first I was flattered, but their constant encouragement, LOL's, and retweets gave me the fortitude to create the book you are about to read.

If your still not sure, download the free sample and see if my laws make you laugh.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Doug Ward
• Release date: Dec 18, 2011
• ISBN: 9781466164819

Doug Ward

Doug Ward currently lives in Western Pennsylvania and is a graduate of Slippery Rock University. He has a BFA is in Fine Art and spends much of his time doing oil paintings, which incorporate mythology and science, and writing.Doug's most recent series is "The War of the Stone." It is a fantasy series that introduces his world and the mythological beings who inhabit it. The first book is called, "Lich." If you like goblins, necromancers, and mayhem in general, this series is for you.Of his first series, The True Story of the Zombie Apocalypse, Doug Ward says, "I like to write about parasitic zombies. They feel (to me) more scientifically grounded than other types. It's also pretty scary how many parasitic creatures are inside of us at this very moment. Some have even bonded with us for so long that they are actually a part of our DNA. Parasites have been known to take over their hosts. A few years ago, my wife called me from a friend's house and said that a mouse kept trying to snuggle with the cat. Actually nuzzling up to the cat's face. I quickly informed her that the mouse was infected by a parasite and that they needed to remove it from the house immediately.The parasite wanted to be eaten by the cat so it could continue its life cycle in the bowels of the unfortunate creature. This flatworm not only controls mice, but it can infect humans as well. "I have blended many scientific ideas into Parasite, which is a four book series.Saving Jebediah is a fun piece of fan fiction I wrote for a contest Mark Tufo was having. It should be read as a prequel because the characters in Saving Jebediah turn up in the 4 book series."If you want to get in touch, you can find him at https://wardswoods.wixsite.com/dougward, tweet him @authordougward, and check out his fan page at https://www.facebook.com/wardswoods/.

Book preview

Ward’s Laws

By Doug Ward

Copyright 2011 Doug Ward

Smashwords Edition

About Ward’s Laws

Ward’s Laws is a silly thing I started on Facebook. When I first opened my account I did what every other forty-something year old does. I froze. I didn’t know what to write.

I started posting the usual stuff. I talked about my day, my dog, my bathroom habits, and said LOL a lot. But that just wasn’t me. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to contribute to the good of the world (are you buying this yet?) This took the form of Ward’s Laws.

I would just write about funny observations I've made about everyday life. Silly word plays as well as things we see and do all the time but never question.

About the same time my friends on the site started telling me I that needed to publish these laws as a book. At first I was flattered, but their constant encouragement (and LOL's) gave me the fortitude to create the book you are about to read.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to all of my friends who stood behind me and pushed me forward. You guys are the best. Most of all I want to thank my family. You guys listened to a lot of really bad jokes. So this one’s for you.

What you need to know before reading Ward’s Laws

Ward’s Laws aren’t really laws at all. At least, they are not in the legal sense. I liken them to the laws of science because they are based on my observations. I have had some of my friends suggest different titles for them, such as Ward’s Words (which I like a lot.) I just can’t seem to make the change. So throw logic out the window and prepare yourself for some Ward’s Laws silliness.

Ward’s Laws #1 Never use your EZPass during Black Friday. I tried to use it to get to the front of the line at Walmart and somebody shoved it in where things are only supposed to go out. Let me tell you, it sure isn't an easy pass now... On the plus side, I can walk through turnpike tollbooths without paying now.

Ward’s Laws #2 We should never eat Slim Jims. The two main ingredients in a Slim Jims are Ingredients: beef and mechanically separated chicken. What exactly is mechanically separated chicken? I think a big ICKY is appropriate here...

Ward’s Laws #3 Oil painting is hard. I keep looking at my canvas and wondering where all the numbers went?

Ward's Laws #4 Never eat anything someone made from scratch. You never know what they scratched to make it. (I say this as I scratch my butt.)

Ward’s Laws #5 You’d think church leaders would embrace cross-dressers.

Ward's Laws #6 If your not stalking someone on Facebook your being stalked on Facebook. The site was created so you could passively watch people’s lives and comment on things that peak your interest. It’s kind of like being in a neighborhood with 457 nosey neighbors.

Wards Laws #7 I think eggs should be sold in increments of 10. Who decided that eggs should be sold in increments of 6? Is there some type of council that decides these things? Do they do this in Europe where the metric system rules over the umm… ruler. Even pirogues are not immune. Groupings of six just seems... Awkward.

Ward’s Laws #8 Murder is sometimes ok, right? Let's say, just hypothetical mind you. You mistakenly think your neighbor is a zombie and you… shoot him (double tap like.) Could you maybe get in trouble? Just for instance mind you. He was… might have been looking kind of weird and lurching around. Who knocks on someone’s door at 7:26 at night anyway? That’s way late to ask for sugar or something. I didn't even see the measuring cup until later. Do you think I could get in trouble?

Ward’s Laws #9 The movie The Da Vinci Code, changed the art world forever. I got to start hiding stuff in my paintings. Masonic has been done. Hmmm. Maybe I’ll start hiding a guy in a stripped shirt, with glasses, and a tossle cap?

Ward's Laws #10 It’s a good thing dogs are cute. My cute little dog creates such horrendous smells? Ugh... You can taste them.

Ward's Laws #11 TGIF should be explained in more detail.