Ward's Laws Part 3

By Doug Ward

This book is the third in the comedy series by Doug Ward. Ward’s Laws is a silly thing I started on Facebook. When I first opened my account, I did what every other forty-something year old does. I froze, I didn’t know what to write.
I started posting the usual stuff. I talked about my day, my dog, my bathroom habits, and said LOL a lot, but that just wasn’t me. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to contribute to the good of the world (are you buying this yet?) This took the form of Ward’s Laws.
I started to write about things I observed and found funny. I would attach a random number to each new law to make it seem as though there were hundreds of them, but this created a problem. I started repeating numbers and lost track.
About the same time, my friends on the site started telling me I that should publish these laws as a book. At first, I was flattered, but their constant encouragement gave me the fortitude to create the book you are about to read.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Doug Ward
• Release date: Apr 17, 2015
• ISBN: 9781311961716

Doug Ward

Doug Ward currently lives in Western Pennsylvania and is a graduate of Slippery Rock University. He has a BFA is in Fine Art and spends much of his time doing oil paintings, which incorporate mythology and science, and writing.Doug's most recent series is "The War of the Stone." It is a fantasy series that introduces his world and the mythological beings who inhabit it. The first book is called, "Lich." If you like goblins, necromancers, and mayhem in general, this series is for you.Of his first series, The True Story of the Zombie Apocalypse, Doug Ward says, "I like to write about parasitic zombies. They feel (to me) more scientifically grounded than other types. It's also pretty scary how many parasitic creatures are inside of us at this very moment. Some have even bonded with us for so long that they are actually a part of our DNA. Parasites have been known to take over their hosts. A few years ago, my wife called me from a friend's house and said that a mouse kept trying to snuggle with the cat. Actually nuzzling up to the cat's face. I quickly informed her that the mouse was infected by a parasite and that they needed to remove it from the house immediately.The parasite wanted to be eaten by the cat so it could continue its life cycle in the bowels of the unfortunate creature. This flatworm not only controls mice, but it can infect humans as well. "I have blended many scientific ideas into Parasite, which is a four book series.Saving Jebediah is a fun piece of fan fiction I wrote for a contest Mark Tufo was having. It should be read as a prequel because the characters in Saving Jebediah turn up in the 4 book series."If you want to get in touch, you can find him at https://wardswoods.wixsite.com/dougward, tweet him @authordougward, and check out his fan page at https://www.facebook.com/wardswoods/.

Book preview

Ward’s Laws Part III

By Doug Ward

Copyright 2015 Doug Ward

Smashwords Edition

About Ward’s Laws

Ward’s Laws is a silly thing I started on Facebook. When I first opened my account, I did what every other forty-something year old does. I froze, I didn’t know what to write.

I started posting the usual stuff. I talked about my day, my dog, my bathroom habits, and said LOL a lot, but that just wasn’t me. I wanted to do something more. I wanted to contribute to the good of the world (are you buying this yet?) This took the form of Ward’s Laws.

I started to write about things I observed and found funny. I would attach a random number to each new law to make it seem as though there were hundreds of them, but this created a problem. I started repeating numbers and lost track.

About the same time, my friends on the site started telling me I that should publish these laws as a book. At first, I was flattered, but their constant encouragement gave me the fortitude to create the book you are about to read.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Acknowledgements

Thank you to all of my friends who stood behind me and pushed me forward. You guys are the best. Most of all I want to thank my family. You guys listened to a lot of really bad jokes. So this one’s for you.

What you need to know before reading Ward’s Laws

Ward’s Laws aren’t really laws at all. At least, they’re not in the legal sense. I liken them to the laws of science, because they are based on my observations. I’ve had some of my friends suggest different titles for them, such as Ward’s Words (which I like a lot.) I just can’t seem to make the change. So throw logic out the window and prepare yourself for some Ward’s Laws silliness.

Ward's Laws #1001 I met a bunch of fancy pants Yuppies yesterday. They might have looked seriously wealthy, but I'll bet I have a lot more gold in Skyrim than they do!

Ward's Laws #1002 Wouldn't it be weird if the American Dental Association was secretly sponsoring Halloween?

Ward's Laws #1003 Why does my iPhone have a clock app that I can't delete? Isn't that second clock kind of redundant?

Ward's Laws #1004 How can there be a Final Fantasy III? Wasn't Final Fantasy I or II final enough?

Ward's Laws #1005 Van Gogh paintings are currently worth about $100 million dollars, but just think if he'd used glitter? Can you say priceless?

Ward's Laws #1006 I once dated a girl who was so green, she recycled everything. I had to end it when she said her pillows were stuffed with belly button lint. I don't want to think about the sweater she gave me. I may smell funny but I look so good in it.

Ward's Laws #1007 Whoever invented mittens, never wanted to express how they felt about being cut-off on the highway.

Ward's Laws #1008 The news just told us to cook our pork thoroughly enough, so we kill all the bacteria present. But then your still eating a big bite of dead bacteria aren't you? I'm switching back to my yogurt diet.

Ward's Laws #1009 I'm not going to say I don't buy clothes often, but my wife used radio carbon dating to determine the true age of my tube socks.

Ward's Laws #1010 I would have developed a sleigh that horses pushed rather than pulled. I know what comes out of where and don't want to be behind them when it does!

Ward's Laws #1011 I don't get it. My mom's change purse is always the same...

Ward's Laws #1012 Try your best to stay out of hospitals. In the event of a zombie outbreak, they'll be flooded with bite victims and will be the first place overrun. This has been a Ward's Laws service announcement for greater public awareness.

Ward's Laws #1013 I love how a Romulan Warship cloaks directly in front of the Enterprise and they act like there's nothing they can do. It disappeared... Shoot it! It wasn't even moving! Just shoot where it was. What are they teaching you morons in the future? Huh?

Ward's Laws #1014 If a hot dog get's cold is it now just an oxymoron?

Ward's Laws #1015 NASA says the planet Jupiter is getting smaller. They probably don't have something called the holidays up there... I'm still lugging around