THE WORLD is our oyster, e some people say. But the first – and indeed the last – time I had oysters was on a third date with a lass, and it culminated in a fart with an unexpected side of gravy, both of which were highly audible. She instantly left, leaving me with my dirty mess and a heightened sense of embarrassment.
Terry Tittybiscuits, Leeds
I’VE JUST seen an advert w for Admiral Insurance where the Admiral takes her friend Mrs Taylor for a ride in a hot air balloon, during which she drops a turkey onto her son’s car and writes it off, before knocking the chimney off Mrs Taylor senior’s house. “Luckily the Taylors are insured with Admiral,” the voiceover says. I wonder if they will feel so lucky next year when the see how much their premiums have gone up.
Terry Farricker, Blackpool
ST❄R LETTER
I WAS recently refused entry to the Cathedral in Seville because my shoulders were exposed. When I returned – attired more modestly – the next day, I was flabbergasted to find Jesus hanging around all over the place dressed in only his pants. Why do I have to dress like a nun when they allow Jesus in dressed only in a tatty loincloth? It’s one rule for the Son of God, Saviour of all Mankind, and another for the rest of us.
Mrs B, London
“ONCE in a blue moon” they tsay. Well I’ve never seen a blue moon in my life, apart from once when I was off my face on magic mushrooms. You couldn’t make it up.
Barry Biskits, Chodbury on Sea
of your readers, q I only allow myself to shit on days which are prime numbers, ie. the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th and 31st of each month. Whilst I can now satisfactorily manage the repeating
