You Can't Beat a Good Laugh

By Bill Townley

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new wife or a new car.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy some of the funniest jokes and one-liners ever told.

After reading some of these hilarious jokes you will realise that you can’t beat a good laugh.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jan 6, 2023
• ISBN: 9781398471535

Bill Townley

Bill Townley is a happily retired man. Bill was born in Dundee and now lives in Linlithgow, Scotland. He has had several jobs in his career including a time served as a watch and clock repairer, a regional manager for Comet Discount, and a pub landlord in Falkirk.

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You Can’t Beat a Good Laugh

Bill Townley

Austin Macauley Publishers

You Can’t Beat a Good Laugh

About the Author

Dedication

Copyright Information ©

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

About the Author

Bill Townley is a happily retired man.

Bill was born in Dundee and now lives in Linlithgow, Scotland.

He has had several jobs in his career including a time served as a watch and clock repairer, a regional manager for Comet Discount, and a pub landlord in Falkirk.

Dedication

Dedicated to my mum and dad, Robert and Mary Townley.

Copyright Information ©

Bill Townley 2023

The right of Bill Townley to be identified as author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

Every effort has been made to trace the originator of these jokes to give credit where credit is due. Should there be any claims relating to copyright, the publisher will be glad to accept such submissions.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781398471528 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781398471535(ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published 2023

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd®

1 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5AA

20230202

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new wife or a new car.

***

Pat and Mick went to the cinema to see the film Jaws. The cashier asks them which seats they would like. Pat replies, Two at the shallow end.

***

The golfer hits his ball into a bed of daisies; as he picks it up, a fairy flies up and gives him a telling off, banning him from eating butter for six months. His friend was also golfing and rang him to say that he had just put his ball into a bed of pussy willow. His friend replies, Don’t go near it!

***

My wife and I had perfect sex last night.

We both had headaches.

***

Why do cows have long faces? Well, if you had your tits pulled three times a day, and a bull every month – you would have a long face too!

***

I was on a banana diet for three months. I didn’t lose much weight, but God, could I climb trees!

***

A man asked his girlfriend if she smoked during sex.

She replied, I don’t know, I’ve never looked.

***

A man had to go to hospital for two weeks. Every day he was served haggis, neeps and tatties. He asked why this was, and the doctor replied, This is the Burns Unit.

***

I joined Alcoholics Anonymous today. I’m now drinking under an assumed name.

***

A man only had days to live. His family were gathered around his deathbed. One son asked him that when at rest in his open coffin, were there any special words he would like them to say? The man replied Look! he’s moving!

***

The man’s ambition was to live to 99 years old, and then to be shot dead by a jealous husband.

***

There was an accident at the Bellhaven Brewery, a young worker fell into a vat full of beer. Someone asked if he drowned. Drowned? replied a co-worker, He got out three times for a pee!

***

I was a very clever child – I was walking by three months. Mind you, I had no choice as the arse fell out of the pram.

***

An old couple were chatting one night. The wife says to the husband, Jim, you’re getting on – you’ll be 80 next year. Where would you like to be buried?

Her husband replied, Just above you, dear.

***

I don’t think my wife likes me anymore. When I became ill, she wrote for an ambulance!

***

A man said to his girlfriend You have a lovely head of grey hair, but down below it’s black.

She replied, I don’t have any problems down there.

***

They have invented a Viagra biscuit – when you dip it in your tea, it stays hard!

***

If you are going on holiday to a town which has a prison, never say you are going away for 14 days.

***

A man is at a restaurant, looking at the menu. When he’s ready to order, he asks the waitress for a quicky. The waitress replies, Don’t be so rude!

A nearby diner leans across to tell the man, You should have asked for a quiche!

***

The minister was driving north on holiday and his car breaks down. He wanders along the road and comes across a farmhouse. The minister asks the farmer if he can stay the night. The farmer welcomes him in and says he can stay in his son’s room, as he has a big bed. At 2am, the minister notices the son is kneeling at the bedside, he assumes the boy is praying. To show a good example, the minister gets up and joins him at his side of the bed. The boy looks up and says, You’ll be in trouble with my mother in the morning, the chanty’s on this side of the bed!

***

Zaza Gabor is good at housekeeping; after every divorce, she keeps the house.

***

I had to buy a new bathroom mirror today.

My old one was getting wrinkles.

***

My wife and I have great chemistry between us. She takes Prozac and I’m on anti-depressants.

***

My friend had a tattoo on his willy which read ‘Ludo’, when he was sexually aroused it read ‘Llandudno’.

***

The large antique shop had acquired this magic table, which was able to tell anyone how much money a person had in the bank. All you had to do was to tap the table three times, then enter the bank pin number of the person involved. One gentleman was curious to find out how much money his wife had in the bank, so he tapped the table three