Forty-Five Minute Sit-Down Comedy: with Observations, Opinions, and Random Ramblings

By Lauren Barstow

We encounter situations in life where we say, "That's one for the book." This is my version of that book. If you get a laugh or two, I've accomplished my goal.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 11, 2018
• ISBN: 9781642145656

Book preview

cover.jpg

Forty-Five Minute Sit-Down Comedy

Lauren Barstow

Copyright © 2018 Lauren Barstow

All rights reserved

First Edition

Page Publishing, Inc

New York, NY

First originally published by Page Publishing, Inc 2018

ISBN 978-1-64214-564-9 (Paperback)

ISBN 978-1-64214-565-6 (Digital)

Printed in the United States of America

About the author: I’d rather that you not know anything about me.

Copyright: I can make as many copies of this as I want.

(My apologies, this isn’t as hilarious as I’d like it to be, but I wasn’t able to go to Costa Brava like Truman Capote and be inspired. Plus, I have an average IQ.)

* * * * *

People in their twenties don’t seem to know what the word couple means.

Me: I’ll have a couple of those cookies please.

Young girl working in coffee shop: How many do you want?

Two, people—it’s two!

Ever hear of a married couple?

(The exception might be if you live in Utah, where a married couple could mean eighteen people.)

* * * * *

Truth in Advertisement

Have you bought one of those guaranteed-for-life garden hoses? They claim, It’s the last hose you’ll ever buy.

They’re right about that because the hose will explode and kill you. So it’s true—you won’t be around anymore to ever buy another hose.

* * * * *

Make sure you know what you’re doing when you build your investment portfolio. Way back when I bought Cisco Systems and Yahoo, I thought I was investing in cooking oil and chocolate milk.

It worked out anyway because I also included apples!

* * * * *

With all the new security measures, lots of Irish people are now being detained at the border trying to return to Ireland after a vacation. They’re under suspicion of being cold sober, and border patrol assumes they couldn’t possibly be Irish.

* * * * *

A relative was coming to town and asked us if we could locate or recommend a motel close by. We found one. She asked, Does it have fleas?

My sister said, No, but I’m sure I can find one downtown for you that has fleas.

* * * * *

I hate that How’s your love life? question! How do you think it is? I’ve had a couple of offers. One was from a homeless guy calling out from the bushes, and the other was a hundred-pound golden retriever. If I had been forced to choose, it would have been no contest. The dog smelled better.

Maybe this has happened to you:

You were visiting a friend or at a party, sitting down. The family dog decided he wanted to try to mate with your foot or leg. Everyone said, Oh, isn’t he cute? as you tried to pry him off your foot.

My story involves that previously mentioned golden retriever. I was walking up a very steep hill. The kind of hill where you almost fall backward. A guy came from his house followed by his dog. As I usually did when I saw a dog, I knelt down to pet and hug the dog. He’s very friendly! the