The Thinking Comic, Golf Addict & Psychotic Philosopher

By G A Bridge

Thinking comic

I discovered that many of my relatives were rapists, robbers, and murderers. Thank God there were no politicians.

I once read that grandchildren are God's gift to parents for not killing their children.

Some days, my brain synapses fire with a BANG. Other days, they go "Pofff."

My brain has a million billion gigabytes of memory. That's not the problem. Recall is.

Men, unlike male dogs, do not pursue bitches.

Golf addict

Golf is like sex. The more you practice, the better you get. It is also more enjoyable with a partner.

There are five basic needs: food, water, sleep, sex, and golf--not necessarily in that order.

Blessed are those whose wives are addicted to golf.

Psychotic philosopher

The "meaning of life" is the same for all living organisms--"continuation of the species"

Most marriages that break up are due to a lack of intimacy, of which sex is only a part.

It is difficult to succeed without "book sense." It is almost impossible without "common sense."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Fulton Books, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 23, 2021
• ISBN: 9781638603634

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The Thinking Comic, Golf Addict and Psychotic Philosopher

G A Bridge

Copyright © 2021 G A Bridge

All rights reserved

First Edition

Fulton Books, Inc.

Meadville, PA

Published by Fulton Books 2021

ISBN 978-1-63860-362-7 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63860-363-4 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Words of Humor

Words on Golf

Words of Wisdom

A Moon over Miami Production

To all the people I love

Foreword

I have all these jokes and thoughts running around in my head, and I decided it was time to put them down on paper. Hopefully, someone will think they are funny or thought-provoking.

I divided this book into three sections: Thinking Comic (Words of Humor), Golf Addict (Words on Golf), and Psychotic Philosopher (Words of Wisdom). I also divided each section into subsections to have some sense of organization.

I am a retired civil engineer who always had a secret dream of being a standup comic. I did not pursue that dream because of family obligations and fear of performing in front of a live audience.

I always felt I had a good sense of humor. My idle mind is always thinking up jokes. I guess this is better than worrying about my problems. Most of my jokes come to me when I am sitting on the john or sitting on the couch while my wife watches the Bachelor.

I apologize that some of the jokes are R-rated. I’m sorry, that is just how my perverted mind works. I should have rated the individual jokes GA for General Audience, PG-35, and DOM for Dirty Old Men.

I also want to make it perfectly clear that I have no business making instruction comments on golf. However, like everyone else who is addicted to golf, I mistakenly think I know all the answers.

Words of Wisdom is another area that I should not be given any credibility. Just consider them being made by someone who is psychotic.

I feel that a sense of humor is one of God’s greatest blessings. Humor is a magic cure-all. It is hard to cry when you are laughing.

I hope you have as much enjoyment reading this book as I had writing it.

Thank you.

Thinking Comic

Words of Humor

Heritage

When anyone asks me what my nationality is, I tell them I am half-Czechoslovakian and half-Kentucky White Trash. I am an American.

*****

I researched my ancestry and found out that my great-great-great-great-great-grandfather came over on the Mayflower. He was the latrine orderly.

*****

I also discovered that many of my relatives were rapists, robbers, and murderers. Thank God there were no politicians.

Youth

I grew up in a small coal-mining town. We had two grocery stores and eight taverns. This is proof that you have to be a drunk to work in an underground coal mine.

*****

Nobody ever locked their doors in our town. You knew everyone, and no one had anything worth stealing.

*****

I have two brothers. It is hard to live in a small coal-mining town without having any sisters. It takes you longer to lose your virginity.

*****

One of my brothers is a crazy, ugly, stupid son of a bitch. What bothers me is that he is my twin brother, and I may be just like him.

*****

Today’s parents are more protective of their children than when I grew up. If I came home from grade school and asked my mom, What’s for supper? she would hand me a rifle and say, I don’t know yet. Go out and shoot something.

*****

When I grew up, every boy carried a pocketknife to school. A favorite game at recess was called stretch. Two players stand four feet apart and face each other with their feet together. To start the game, a player throws his pocketknife and tries to stick the blade into the ground no farther than one foot from the opponent’s shoe. If it sticks in the ground, the opponent has to stretch his closest foot to the knife. Then it’s the opponent’s turn. This continues back and forth until one player can no longer stretch to the knife, in which case he loses. Our grade school principal was a master at this game.

*****

I am not proud of it, but I started smoking at a very early age. Now you have to be eighteen years of age to buy a pack of cigarettes. Where I grew up, the only requirement was that you needed to know how to count change.

*****

My dad had a saying that used to make me grind my teeth as a teenager. The saying was If a job is not done right, it’s not worth doing. I have lived my adult life by that saying. I just do not say it as often as he did.

Mom

My mom only knew one way to cook. She fried everything. For breakfast, she would fry eggs and bacon or mush and bacon. For those of you who do not know what mush is, it is a yellow or white cornmeal mixture that is first boiled and then placed in the refrigerator to gel overnight. To cook the mush, you slice off half-inch-thick sections and fry them in bacon grease. It is served with syrup over the top. Yummy, yummy.

*****

The only thing my mom did not fry for breakfast was Cream of Wheat, which I think would have been an improvement. Supper consisted of fried meat (domestic or wild), fried sliced potatoes and onions, three or four leftover vegetables, and lime Jell-O with slaw in it. Sunday dinner was always fried chicken, mashed potatoes with white gravy, three or four leftover vegetables, and lime Jell-O with slaw in it.

*****

Sometimes, my mom would bake a cottage chess pie for dessert. Also yummy, yummy. I wish I knew her recipe. She would also fry Rocky Mountain Oysters (sliced pig testicles) for my dad. I’m glad I don’t have that recipe.

*****

When we were growing up, Mom was not the neatest housekeeper. It became so bad that for a while, we would take our shoes off before going outside.

First love

I remember the first girl that I fell in love with. One day, when I saw her walking out of a public restroom, I could not believe my eyes. I had this girl on such a high pedestal that it never occurred to me that she had to pee or poop like the rest of us mere mortals.