969 Great Jokes

By James McKeon

969 GREAT JOKES is a cavalcade of non-stop irreverent humour. There is no let-up. No one is spared. One joke follows another. This collection of naughty jokes is a comedian’s dream. It provides for him a limitless list of material. If you want to spice up your speeches, astound your audience, or lighten your lectures then 969 GREAT JOKES is a must.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris UK
• Release date: Dec 10, 2019
• ISBN: 9781984592606

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Copyright © 2019 by James McKeon.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/06/2019

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A little girl ran into the kitchen and asked her parent: "Daddy, what’s a transvestite? He replied: I don’t know, but ask your mother. He’ll know.

The Irish Grand Prix was coming to an exciting climax as the leaders careered around the track at over 200 miles an hour. The German driver pulled in to the pit and his crew had his car ready and back on the track in 7.5 seconds. The French driver followed in to his pit and the crew changed his tyres and refuelled the car in ten seconds. The Irish car pulled in to the Irish pit, and the crew told him to bring it back next Friday, leave the keys, and they’d get back to him with a quote next month.

Ronald Reagan made 27 westerns and there wasn’t a scratch on him. The minute he became president somebody shot him.

This woman went to the doctor with aches in her tummy. He examined her and told her she was pregnant. She said, I can’t be. It must be something in the air. The doctor said, "Yes. Your legs.

Said about a certain actor in King Lear: He played the king as if someone was about to play the ace.

A doctor was examining a patient: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? The patient shook his head: Only when I try to spell it.

Graffiti in a solicitor’s loo: Alimony is the screwing you get from the screwing you got.

This man was complaining about his wife’s figure to a friend: My wife is like a rake. You should see her undress. Two more belly buttons and she could be mistaken for a flute.

I wish those friends of William’s would stop calling him Big Bill, said William’s snobbish mother. It’s only a friendly nickname, said her husband. Yes, but you know how nicknames stick to people. And William hopes to be a doctor.

Three nuns were sitting in a bus. A nude man got on and sat next to them. One nun fainted, one got a heart attack, and another had a stroke.

Q. What is grey, has four feet and a hump, and is found in the Aran Islands?

A. A lost camel.

Things weren’t going well with Kevin. One morning, as a last resort, he put his wife on the streets. Late that evening she returned home with 100 euro and 25 cent. He asked, Who gave you 25 cent? She replied, They all did.

Charlie the ice-cream man’s van was parked in a street in with lights flashing, music blaring, and a long queue of kids waiting to be served. But there was no sign of Charlie. A passing garda was curious, went over to the van, peered over the high counter and saw Charlie lying on the floor covered in chocolate, strawberry sauce, and hundreds of little jelly bits. He shouted, Get back, kids, got on the radio to the station, and said, Sarge, get someone down here quick. Charlie the ice-cream man has topped himself.

This man went in to confession in a terrible way: I’m sorry, father, but this morning on the golf course I used the f-word. The priest said: And, son, what provoked you to do that? He explained: I drove my tee shot over three hundred yards at the eighteenth, but the wind caught it and it ended up in the rough. The priest was sympathetic: I play myself so I understand you using the f-word. The man said: I didn’t use it then. I hit a lovely shot out of the rough, but it just caught the edge of the bunker and fell back in. The priest shook his head: No wonder you used that word. The man kept going: No, father, I didn’t use it there, but I grabbed my wedge and hit a beauty on to the green. The ball struck the pin and landed six inches from the hole. The priest said: So that’s when you used the f-word. The man said: No, father. The priest shouted: Don’t tell me you missed the fucking put.

An 87 year old farmer got engaged to a 19 year old girl from the village, and he went for a check-up before the big day. His doctor examined him but reminded him to beware of the excitement to come and that the consequences could be fatal. The farmer said, Well, if she dies, she dies.

In recent years the crime rate in Ireland, especially in Dublin, has doubled. Only last week, the police commissioner had a speech prepared on crime. Somebody stole it.

Two Kerry friends, Sean and Dan, were climbing the difficult side of Carrantuohill when Dan slipped and fell down a ravine 800 feet. He was badly injured so Sean lowered down a rope, but Dan shouted: My two arms are broken. I can’t catch it. Sean shouted to his friend: Put the rope in your mouth. Dan caught the rope firmly with his teeth and Sean began to slowly haul him up, bit by bit by bit. When he was twenty feet from the cliff top Sean called out: Are you ok, Dan? Dan replied, Yeh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

Q. What is a lesbian?

A. Yet another woman trying to do a man’s job.

This man, John, died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Peter appeared and stopped him. You can’t walk in just like that. You must pass a simple spelling test first. It’s easy. Spell ‘love.’ John duly spelt l-o-v-e and was allowed in. After a while Peter had to see God and asked John to mind the gate. John was delighted; he was here only two minutes and already he was on the staff. Suddenly his wife appeared at the gate. John was shocked. What happened, love? Well, I was overcome with grief after your funeral and I had one vodka too many and crashed into a tree on the way home. But look at it this way, we’ll be together now forever, hand in hand, you and I, for all time. As she was about to enter he stopped her and explained the rules. I’m sorry, love, but you must spell a simple word first. What is it? she asked. John replied, Czechoslovakia."

This woman called to her solicitor and complained that every time she had sex with her husband it hurt terribly. He’s massive, sir, huge. The solicitor said, In that case, missus, I advise you to file your petition. I will not, she replied. Let him sandpaper his yoke."

A Fianna Fail minister and a high ranking member of the opposition happened to belong to the same golf course. They hated each others guts, and when they were picked to play together in a Christmas foursome, the minister made his excuses and opted out. Later in the Dail bar he was overheard saying: No way. If I ever want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.

Two old men were talking in a Park. One said, I must go home now. It’s time for sex with my wife. His friend said, At your age? How do you still manage to get it hard? He replied, The secret is plenty of brown bread. That makes it hard as a rock. The other old man rushed to the supermarket and asked the assistant for a dozen loafs of brown bread. She asked if it’s for a party and he replied that it was all for himself. The girl said, For yourself? It’s going to get hard. He moaned, Everyone knows about it, but me.

A man went to a horse sale to buy a horse. One animal stood out and, after much haggling, he bought him for a thousand pounds. Eager to try him out, he jumped on his back and shouted Giddyup but the horse refused to move. The trader explained that this horse was an eccentric individual. He’ll run like the wind only if you say Praise the Lord and he’ll stop if you say Amen. The man said Praise the Lord and the horse took off like a rocket through fields, over ditches, and heading straight for the Cliffs of Moher. The frightened rider remembered just in time to say Amen and the horse stopped dead on the edge of the 1000 feet drop. Drenched with sweat, and out of breath, he threw his eyes to heaven and said, Praise the Lord.

One Christmas this Cavan father sneaked out to the back yard and fired a gun in the air. Then he went into the kitchen, gathered the kids around him and said, Santa has shot himself.

This fitness fanatic really looked after himself. He ran ten miles a day and was into bodybuilding in a big way. One night he looked in the mirror and was horrified to notice that although he was tanned all over his penis was snow white. Next morning he found a secluded spot, undressed and completely covered himself in sand, leaving only his penis over ground in the sunshine. Two elderly ladies, out for their morning stroll, almost tripped over the waving penis. One old dear, flicking it around with her stick, said, Life is funny. When I was twenty, I was curious about it. When I was thirty, I asked for it. When I was forty, I begged for it. When I was fifty, I paid for it. When I was sixty I prayed for it. When I was seventy, I forgot about it. And now that I’m eighty, the bloody things are growing wild on the beach.

A small boy wandered in to his mother’s bedroom as she was dressing. He said, Mammy, what nice balloons you have. Balloons, child, why do you call them balloons? Well, I saw daddy blowing the maid’s up when you were out yesterday.

Old Tom, a farmer in his seventies, lived in a remote village. One day he surprised everyone by announcing that he was marrying a pretty nineteen year old from the nearby village. The following week they married in the local church and as the days went by inquisitive neighbours were wondering if there was any ‘news’. Nothing was happening so, as was the custom, Tom went to the parish priest for advice. Fr. Ignatius listened sympathetically and then told Tom to sing one verse of ‘He’ll stand for God’ and put ten Euro in the poor box and that should do the trick. As Tom was leaving he said, To be honest, father, I think she’s a bit lonely. That’s it, the priest said. Here’s what you do. Get in a lodger. A bit of company will do the trick. A few months later Fr. Ignatius bumped into Tom in the village. Well, Tom, how’s the wife? he enquired. Tom beamed, She’s pregnant, father. And how’s the lodger? he asked. Oh, she’s pregnant too, father."

Rip off Ireland is thriving. Last week I was in a restaurant and I had to pay an arm and a leg for a wing and a breast.

This man who was a model catholic and never touched a drink in his life. His neighbour was the opposite – a raving alcoholic and a heartless womaniser. The bad man died in his early thirties. His lifestyle killed him while his good neighbour lived a long and holy life and eventually died and went straight to heaven. As he strolled around paradise on his first day he couldn’t believe his eyes when he spotted his old wicked neighbour sitting next to a big barrel of beer and his arms around a gorgeous naked blonde. He ran off to St Peter and complained bitterly. I’ve been a good man all my life so that I could go to heaven and what do I find when I finally get here? Him over there with a barrel of beer and a naked woman. That man is in hell, said Peter, and he deserves to be. The Leitrim man said, Hell? That’s not my idea of hell. Peter said, All is not what it seems. You see, the barrel’s got a hole in it and the woman hasn’t.

This little girl who had been playing with her friends in the back garden skipped into the kitchen and asked her dad, Daddy, can I become pregnant? Her father replied, Not at all, love. She skipped out happily again singing, Alright, boys, same game again.

During the French Revolution three Irishmen, from Carlow, Mayo and Kerry, were sentenced to death. They had a choice of being guillotined or hanged. Guillotine, said the Carlow man. He was placed in the guillotine, the blade came flying down and stopped an inch from his neck. The will of God, said the French and let him go. The Mayo man also chose the guillotine. Down came the blade and chunk, again stopped an inch from his neck. The will of God, said the French and let him go too. Guillotine or hanged? the Kerry man was asked. He replied, I suppose you better hang me. That yoke don’t seem to be working.

A young lad from Cavan applied to join the guards and travelled to Dublin to do an examination. After a difficult and lengthy test, the superintendent asked him what course of action he would take to disperse a crowd. The lad said, "I don’t know what I’d do in Dublin, but in Cavan I’d start a collection.

This woman was sex mad. She was half way across the English Channel before she found out that Ferguson’s twenty-one inch was a television set.

A convent gardener reported a nun to the Mother Superior for doing press ups in the garden. The Mother Superior said, That’s not much to complain about. The gardener said, No? She’s ruined my cucumber patch.

Q. If a prostitute with one arm and one leg was chasing five men what time would it be?

A. Leath uair tar éis a cúig.

A man went into a chemist shop and asked the assistant: If I buy some Viagra, will I be able to get it over the counter? She replied: I don’t know. It depends on how many you take.

An old lady bought two female parrots. But when her friends came round, the birds embarrassed her by squawking: We’re prostitutes. She went to the priest for advice. He said, I have two male parrots and all they do is pray. Bring your feathered friends to me and when they hear my parrots praying it will convert them. The woman took her birds around and placed the cage beside the male parrots who were lost in prayer. The female parrots squawked, We’re prostitutes. One of the males turned to the other and said, I told you our prayers would be answered.

This parachutist had an unfortunate accident on his honeymoon. He pulled his ripcord and his pyjamas failed to open.

While on vacation in Ireland this American got a taxi back to his hotel late one night. The driver seemed hell bent on destruction, with several near misses, and the visitor praying in the back seat, they arrived safely. The relieved Yank said, Say, Paddy, you drive like a lunatic. Do you always go that fast? The taxi man said, That’s nothing. You should be with me when I’m on my own.

Paddy was an out and out Fianna Fail man and when the General Election came round he was asked to be the Party agent. But things weren’t going well in the constituency and he went to the pub to drown his sorrows. The barmaid noticed this and said, Paddy, you’re very down in yourself. What’s wrong? I’m finding it very hard to get my member in, he said. She replied, Have you tried Vaseline?"

This woman got a mirror on her bedroom ceiling so she could see herself having a headache

Three old ladies were reminiscing in an old folks’ home. The first old lady recalled shopping for vegetables and demonstrated with her hands the size of the cucumber she could buy for just a penny. The second old lady nodded and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for half a penny. The third old lady chipped in: I can’t hear a word but I remember the chap you’re talking about.

This man was passing through Cork and he called unexpectedly on old friends. The wife opened the door and welcomed him in. After the initial chit-chat he enquired about her husband. Oh, you probably didn’t know, she said, but he died last year. I’m sorry, said the friend, What happened? She said, He went down to the garden to dig up a head of cabbage for our dinner, and he collapsed with a heart attack. The friend said, That was terrible. What on earth did you do? What could I do? she said, I had to open a tin of peas.

Recently in an Irish hotel there was a riot at a cannibal’s wedding when the groom stood up and tried to toast his mother-in-law.

There was a big bash for a re-elected rural politician, and as the night went on, one party member was the worse for wear. He said to the host, Excuse me. Do lemons whistle? The host said, Not at all. Why do you ask? The drunk replied, "I think I’ve just squeezed your canary into my vodka and tonic.

Tommy got a job on a farm and on his first day the farmer told him to plough the field behind the house. That evening the farmer went to inspect his progress, and was pleasantly surprised. It was a fine job except for one patch about six by three. How come you missed that piece, he said. Sorry, boss, I couldn’t do that bit for sentimental reasons. What are you on about? Sentimental reasons? the farmer said. That bit of grass was where I had my first experience of sex. Oh, I see, said the farmer. That’s where you first had sex. Yes, boss, and her mother was looking at us through the hole in the fence. What! Her mother saw you. What did she say? Oh, nothing really, said Tommy, only just, baa baa ba-aa."

A Kerry electrician – blue to red, red to brown, blue to black, blew to bits.

Graffiti in a bookmaker’s loo: The only thing ever worth putting on a horse was Lady Godiva.

Said about a certain Dublin actor in King Lear: He played the king as if someone was about to play the ace.

A doctor was examining a patient: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? The patient shook his head: Only when I try to spell it.

A sudden sea storm blew up and a pretty young girl was blown overboard into the raging water. A man was seen plunging in after her and he kept her afloat until they were rescued. Everyone was surprised to discover that the hero was in his middle eighties. That night a party was thrown in his honour. The passengers gave him a standing ovation and there were cries of Speech, Speech. The old man rose shakily, looked around at the gathering and said, Alright, who’s the bastard who pushed me?

FOR SALE: Parachute, used only once, never opened (small stain).

This man called to his neighbour’s house and said, John, lend me your lantern. John said, What do you want my lantern for? His neighbour replied, I’m going courting. John said, I never took a lantern with me when I was courting. The neighbour said, I thought that when I saw your wife.

This angler was fishing in a hole in the ice all night. A booming