One Hundred and One Dirty Nasty Disgusting Jokes You'll Love Reading

By Kiven Hopper

This book has alot of good old fashion jokes and alot of new ones. I know you'll read it over & over so you can tell them to all your friends or at your next Party.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Oct 17, 2008
• ISBN: 9780595627455

Kiven Hopper

I have traveled alot in this great big world and one thing I see that I like in everyperson I meet is laughter & having fun. Everything in this book is about putting a smile on someones face. A joke is no good if only one person knows it, so I say share them. I live on the beach in Florida and work with alot of tourist, I try my best to make them all laugh and have a good time.

Book preview

One Hundred and One

Dirty Nasty Disgusting

Jokes You’ll Love Reading

SKU-000070480_TEXT.pdf

Kiven Hopper

iUniverse, Inc.

New York Bloomington

One Hundred and One Dirty Nasty

Disgusting Jokes You’ll Love Reading

Copyright © 2008 by Kiven Hopper

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by

any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying,

recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system

without the written permission of the publisher except in the case

of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, names, incidents,

organizations, and dialogue in this novel are either the products

of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

iUniverse

2021 Pine Lake Road, Suite 100

Lincoln, NE 68512

www.iuniverse.com

1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

ISBN: 978-0-595-52691-8 (pbk)

ISBN: 978-0-595-62745-5 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Old Timers: CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233

Black Leather

True or False

Costume Party

An interview with an 80 year old woman

Prostate Test

CAN’T SEND A WOMAN TO HOME DEPOT

NUTS

Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Genie hard of hearing

FLASHER

THE ZIPPER

Father & Son Speech

The Jar Of Life

Happy Halloween Joke

Father & Son

Outlived 

DR. SMITH

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6 & 12

GRANDPA’S ON THE PORCH AGAIN

Wrong Address:

The Frog

Cum Sneeze

Not greener on the other side:

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

WHO SAYS MEN DON’T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

NO SEX TONIGHT!

Double Dose

Bad Luck???

Turkey

Budweiser job

Know your Birds

The Cardiologist’s Funeral

Plastic Surgery

Little Red Wagon

DR. Bartender

Do you hate your job?

CDC Alert - Beware

Oil Change Instuctions.

Great weight loss program

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

THINK I WILL TRY THIS

Helicopter Problem:

Why I fired my Secretary.

Noah in 2008

Cows & calves

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A NONPARTISAN JOKE

Dip Stick

Free Haircut

Cannibal Restaurant

Liberals May Not Want To Read This!

Another Hillary

RETIRED PEOPLE

CAN HANDLE IT...

Smart Kids

A little Christian humor

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil 

The nun fainted...........

Catholic Couple

Eve’s side of the story.

Another Adam & Eve

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

Know the Bible

Know what your praying for

Another Condom 

Compairing Inventions

Hymn #365

TEXANS

U R A Texan If:

Texas Trooper

Decoy:

Texas Viagra

Tree Hugger

Texas farmer:

Texas Logic

The Texan The Duck and The Lawyer From New York  

Southernisms

Preacher’s Son

Leroy, the redneck

COWBOY JAKE

A&M

The Aggie Bar

Ol Blue

Chevrolet Truck

Poetry Contest

Texas Rednecks

INDIANS DON’T USE SADDLES....

Little Johnny’s at it again.....

LIVER & CHEESE

The Other Stall:

Fishing

SPAGHETTI

Enjoy Every Day of Life

DATING RITUALS

Blonde Guy Joke

The Andover Irish Prostitute

Mexican Panhandlers

Shorties

Adult Fairy Tales

One-Question IQ Test

The Silent Fart

Captain Jokes:

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:

FAMILY

Golfers:

Souper

SENIOR DRIVING

DRIVING

Can you cry under water?

Who Came First

Prize Toast

16 Wifes

BEST FRIEND

Old Timers: CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, ‘Where in the hell have you been?’ Charlie replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’

‘A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get? ‘’I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?’

‘Well, I did it for  4  reasons.

One, I like to watch my money grow. 

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. 

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.   

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.’   

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Black Leather

0ne day three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: ‘The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.’

The mistress: ‘Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat he didn¹t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.’

The married woman: ‘I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘whats for dinner, Batman?’’

True or False

1.   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2.   The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.

3.   It’s always darkest before dawn , so if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4.   Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5.   Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6.   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7.   If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8.   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9.   If at first you don’t succeed...... skydiving is not for you.

10.   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11.   If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12.   Some days you’re the bug, some days you’re the windshield.

13.   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14.   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.

15.   A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16.   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

17.   There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.

18.   Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

19.   Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

20.   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his    current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.  Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what