Summary of Stan Tatkin's We do

By IRB Media

Please note: This is a companion version & not the original book. Book Preview:

#1 A secure-functioning relationship is one that is reliable, dependable, and trustworthy. It is reciprocal and respectful. It is based on the principles of fairness, justice, and sensitivity. It is how two people work together to get what they want and avoid what they don’t want.

#2 The main purpose of pair-bonding is to feel safe and secure in the world. We have a mutual need to survive in an unpredictable world. If partners don’t understand that their principal function is to keep each other safe from each other and from the outside world, they will trivialize the meaning of their partnership.

#3 There are two types of threats to your relationship: big T and small t. If you experience any big T threat in your current relationship, get out now. If you have been a victim of physical or sexual abuse or life threat, your partner must be informed and must be an appropriate healing partner for you.

#4 Coregulation is the process of co-managing emotional states, and it is essential to relationship safety, security, and longevity. It is difficult to predict which couples will be good at it, but many struggle.

• Language: English
• Publisher: IRB Media
• Release date: Apr 20, 2022
• ISBN: 9781669387664

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Insights on Stan Tatkin's We Do

Contents

Insights from Chapter 1

Insights from Chapter 2

Insights from Chapter 3

Insights from Chapter 4

Insights from Chapter 5

Insights from Chapter 6

Insights from Chapter 7

Insights from Chapter 8

Insights from Chapter 9

Insights from Chapter 10

Insights from Chapter 1

#1

A secure-functioning relationship is one that is reliable, dependable, and trustworthy. It is reciprocal and respectful. It is based on the principles of fairness, justice, and sensitivity. It is how two people work together to get what they want and avoid what they don’t want.

#2

The main purpose of pair-bonding is to feel safe and secure in the world. We have a mutual need to survive in an unpredictable world. If partners don’t understand that their principal function is to keep each other safe from each other and from the outside world, they will trivialize the meaning of their partnership.

#3

There are two types of threats to your relationship: big T and small t. If you experience any big T threat in your current relationship, get out now. If you have been a victim of physical or sexual abuse or life threat, your partner must be informed and must be an appropriate healing partner for you.

#4

Coregulation is the process of co-managing emotional states, and it is essential to relationship safety, security, and longevity. It is difficult to predict which couples will be good at it, but many struggle.

#5

Partners who don't collaborate often live separate lives, engage in a dictatorship, or live codependently. You must collaborate on finances, housework, and planning vacations.

#6

There is no perfect partner, only the good enough partner who is perfectly imperfect. If your partner is willing to do secure functioning with you, then they are perfect for you. But you both must accept each other as is or not at all.

#7

Thirds are anything, anyone, or any activity that’s other than the two of you. Proper management of thirds means partners protect each other from family members, friends, ex-partners, and so forth, and don’t let other activities threaten their safety and security.

#8

When your relationship exhibits high levels of secure functioning, you and your partner are