What Happy Couples Know

By Mutea Rukwaru

What happy couples know is the book you will wish you had read before saying "I do".

It answers questions you have nobody to ask or you are shy to ask

What happy couples know covers:-

Personal grooming, hygiene and etiquette
Why did my dear stray?
Office romance and sexual harassment
Sexual problems
Menopause and sexuality
Medical conditions and sexuality
Discordant couples and sexuality
Retirement and sexuality
Treatment of sexual problems

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mutea Rukwaru
• Release date: Jun 3, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370165803

Mutea Rukwaru

Mutea Rukwaru is an accomplished author of international reputation.He is an author of 17 bestselling books. He has written widely in the areas of research and family. He has wide knowledge in world of practice having been in the Department of Social Development for 33 years and also being in the world of academia, that is Universities and Kenya Schools of Government.Some of the top selling books include:Anatomy of CrimeFinancial Success Every Family's DreamEducation at CrossroadTraining at its bestMilestones of lifeHow to be a better CounselorThe winning familyThe Tie that bindsHappy though marriedFundamentals of social researchWhat happy couples knowSuccessful time managementStatistics can be funStrong in the stormSnapshot view of Social ResearchSocial Research Methods a complete guidePowerful Proposal, Powerful PresentationUpcoming titles being published by Eureka publishers are: Limits of Medicine, Dreams of my Motherland and A Place to feel at HomeMutea Rukwaru holds a Masters of Arts in Sociology (Counseling) and a Bachelor of Arts (Sociology), Upper Second class honors from Nairobi University

Book preview

WHAT

HAPPY COUPLES

KNOW

MUTEA RUKWARU

Published by: EUREKA PUBLISHERS

P.O. BOX 1414

MERU

©Mutea Rukwaru 2006b

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the copyright owner and the publisher.

Author's Note

The names of characters in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance of people living or dead is purely accidental.

Typesetting by:

Mercsam General Enterprises

PO Box 1409

Meru

Cell phone: 0720 - 991573

Printed by:

Don Bosco Printing Press

P.o Box 158 - 01020

Kenol

Contact:

Mobile: [phone]

Email: [e-mail]

P.O Box 1414 - 60200

MERU

ISBN: 9966-9802-4-5

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Quotation

Wander and wonder

Preface

Personal grooming, general hygiene and

Etiquette

Office romance and sexual harassment

Why did my dear stray

Sexual problems

Menopause and sexuality

Medical conditions and sexuality

Treatment of sexual problems

References

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Writing a book is a monumental and challenging task and although the author's name appears in the cover there are many people who have contributed behind the scenes in one way or another.

I would like to thank some readers of my book The Tie That Binds who brought to my attention the missing gaps on the chapter on extramarital affairs. Others have been my clients whom I have been counselling. You have become my special friends and thank you for sharing your life stories and for your unique example of passion and commitment to make marriage work.

I am grateful to my family. Words cannot adequately express my appreciation for giving me the freedom to pursue my dream and for providing the emotional support to persevere through what seemed like a never-ending task. Your love and believe in me is my strength.

I am thankful to my cousin Harriet Kirugi for her constant encouragement in life. When I wanted to take a short cut to life to join Kenya Medical Training School to pursue a diploma in clinical medicine, she advised me against it and impressed on me the importance of pursuing a degree course. If I took my original path you could not be reading this book.

I would like to record my special thanks to Doctor Josephine Odera of the Institute of Diplomacy and International Studies, University of Nairobi, who was my lecturer in Protocol Course. She opened my eyes on the importance of etiquette in life.

I am grateful to Rachel Dzombo, Permanent Secretary Ministry of gender sports culture and social services for her encouragement. I am also grateful to Mr. Nzano, Senior deputy secretary in the same ministry who brought the attention of the staff of the ministry about the existence of my books. The seed he planted thrived, hence enabling me to publish this book. Lastly I am grateful to Mr. Musyoki, my marketing agent for his continuous support and encouragement.

DEDICATION

To all happy couples who have struggled to maintain a balance despite the challenges and who due to forces not of their own may not have a chance to read this book.

QUOTATION

A married man falling into misfortune is more apt to retrieve his situation in the world than a single one, chiefly because his spirits are soothed and retrieved by domestic endearments, and his self-respect kept alive by finding that, although all abroad be darkness and humiliation, yet there is a little world of love over which he is monarch By: Jeremy Taylor an Irish Bishop

WANDER AND WONDER

In the wake of the night

My mind wanders and wonders

In a forlorn world it seems

When that day it remembers

That serene memorable morning

Depicting a blissful future

With songs and chorus filling the air

As if announcing to the world at large

Victory is certain for two of us

Eden soon to be reborn

In a turbulent world of deception

Ours love is certain

Soon things go haywire

Laughter flies away like a scared bird

A cage a home becomes

Soon safety is sought

Smile, care and laughter is sought

Soon a journey is made

Welcoming hands you get

Smile, care and laughter is born

Goal it seems is reached

Mirage it turns to be

My mind still wanders and wonders

Why my dear strayed

Mystery hard to uncover

Yet it happened

(Rukwaru, 2000)

PREFACE

Different societies and cultures view extramarital sex in different ways. In Christian realm there is the Bible commandment-Thou shalt not commit adultery. In Islamic societies, adherents who go against the teachings of the Koran as relating adultery are ostracized from society or severely punished, sometimes with death. In many communities in the world extramarital sex has never been tolerated.

Extramarital sex can lead to death, blackmailing and the concerned parties becoming an object of ridicule, shame and laughter in the eyes of the society. Refer to the case of a Rwandese diplomat whom Ugandan security personnel humiliated by breaking into a hotel room and photographing him in a compromising pose with a Ugandan lady (DNA April 5th 2006). The pride of the involved partner is also damaged and if the marriage continues, a period of adjustment is needed. Due to societal conditioning the damage to a man's pride seems greater if he finds his wife having an extramarital relationship. This is because men perceive their wives as sexual objects to be possessed exclusively.

Extramarital affairs has an added risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases and worse the dreaded disease AIDS which will never leave the family the same.

Mistresses also encounter strange problems. In most cases mistresses live like prisoners if they are in a house that the lover has bought for them or has rented. They are not allowed to have visitors and sometimes even members of their family. They may not be allowed to go out with friends freely and their lovers expect to find them at home all the time, ready to fulfill their sexual needs. Other than in the privacy of the house they don't appear anywhere together and neither are they allowed to let anybody know or the relationship. Those who are lucky to have rich lovers may have occasional holidays out of the country where they are able to be together without people who know them getting to see them. No matter how financially rewarding such a relationship is, freedom is perhaps worth more.

Wife's pride is hurt if her husband's relationship with a mistress is an open one. Man also suffers from strain of keeping up two separate relations which are not only financially straining but as he ages it becomes more and more tedious to maintain. Adultery can be financially draining on a man because let’s face it - nobody other than your wife will give her body freely for NOTHING. There is always a catch. Adultery can be emotionally exhausting as you are forced to lead a double life. It is amazing how many men live double lives. Not just simple men struggling to make ends meet but top company executives, senior civil servants, politicians, public servants and businessmen.

Some leave their posh homes in Muthaigas, Karens and Lavingtons of this world to be with their mistresses in Umoja and other such places where ordinarily they would like to create an image that they are beyond eastlands. Others park their BMW's, Mercedes, Rav 4s' and Pajeros in the city centre and take a taxi or other incognito means of transport to get to their mistresses houses without being noticed. Yet others will book themselves in backstreet hotels under false or assumed names to have a chance to be adulterous. Worse still some will father children and their mothers will tell them to be calling their lovers uncle instead of daddy.

Couples have always wondered why their partners stray. They are puzzled. The women might have had a very beautiful picture of how their marriage will be. Most likely it had come from the pages of popular love magazines and TV Screens. She sees herself as the glamorous creative home maker decorating her home and cooking gourmet meals. Beautifully dressed she greets' her smiling husband when he comes home from work. They spend a peaceful intimate hour discussing the events of the day. She of course wants to share all aspects of his life and with her and values her advice. Some evenings they entertain couples as beautiful and smiling as themselves. Other evenings they go out.

Of course this is the romantic myth of western marriage that tells women that a charming prince will take her to a beautiful castle to live happily ever after. The reality is that most women face in marriage economic and emotional difficulties that force them to take outside jobs and to live in houses that are not castles. Moreover the emotional reality is seldom as satisfying as in fairy tales because marriage life is a reality not a utopia. There is a lot of sacrifice to be made in marriage. There is no marriage where perfection reigns. Even if there is a problem there is the issue of children to consider before you think of walking out. Even if there is a problem, going beyond marital bed is not the solution to healing your wounds. It is important to remember the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer who while sitting in a Nazi prison cell wrote a wedding sermon for a niece who was about to be married. He said:

Marriage is more than your love for each other. It has a higher dignity and power for it is God's holy ordinance through which he wills to perpetuate the human race till the end of time. In your love you see only your two selves in the world, but in the marriage you are a link in the chain of the generations which God causes to come and pass away to his glory, and call into his kingdom. In your love you see only the heaven of your happiness, but in marriage you are placed at a post of responsibility towards the world and mankind. Your love is your own private possession but marriage is more than some personal. It is a status, an office.

A man walks meticulously down the aisle. Like a lock and key locked to a gorgeously dressed woman. She is in flowing white robes and he is in a well cut suit. As the two inch their way to the front with the speed of a tortoise, they flash smiles and way to the well-wishers jammed in the church. Music fills the air and multi-colored balloons dance to a short gust of wind as ululations rent the air. But soon the wedding dust settles and real life begins. One has to ask how many of those love bubbles will withstand the rupturing experience of life. This brings to the conclusion that before one says I do it is important to consider many factors. Among them is the real motive of tying the knot. Some go into marriage for money, power and prestige. They see the son or daughter of so and so driving a car, running a successful business or attracting crowds and they be envious. They see prospects in such a relationship. So they scheme, strategize and waylay the victim, just as a hunting jackal would do to a gazelle. If they are lucky they make a kill. They begin to milk their friend till he or she goes dry. When money is no longer there they disappear into the thin air, leaving the victim worn out, poorer and frustrated. With others they will stick. In many instances some women experience despair and some feelings bordering on insanity. This is because they are trying to manage and control what they cannot - him and his life. They make all attempts to control their man through endless speeches, pleading, threats, bribes and maybe even violence. And remember, how they feel after each failed attempt. Their self-esteem slip a notch, and they become more anxious, more helpless, more filled with anger.

Marriage as an institution is not a bed of roses. It is bedeviled with many problems. The challenges are many. Many scenarios make marriage look more of a utopia rather than a reality. With wedding bells ringing, cool music and all the splendor of that day, why then does a man or woman look beyond to desire another person at coital level? Can marriage thrive with all the social changes? Is it possible to stick throughout your marriage life? Are there easy options? Why people get involved in extramarital relationships is puzzling to sociologist, criminologists and many other people who are in the helping professions.

Shryock (1968) contends that marriage relationship is so much a part of life that success in life depends upon it. If marriage is successful life is full and complete and if marriage fails life is dwarfed and crippled. It has to be noted that division of love between two women proportionately is difficult if not impossible.

The marital bond they so joyfully accepted as golden by tying them together in love has become a millstone in their neck. The habit of going beyond marital bed robs the couple of intimacy, confidentiality, growth and pleasure that goes with successful marriages. When at first it was a relationship devoid of tensions, when you could blend into each other’s lives almost naturally and you propel forward like a cart on greased wheels, then things take a nose dive.

It is important to ask ourselves what is the meaning of adultery before delving into factors contributing to this phenomenon.

Extramarital affairs or adultery is the engagement in sexual intercourse with a partner who is 'legally' married to another person. Under most of our customary laws, adultery is defined as sexual intercourse with another woman who is married. It is important to note that in most African legal systems a married man can commit adultery with another man's wife, but not with an unmarried woman. This is a gross manifestation of male chauvinism. This is brought out very clearly in this episode highlighted by Benezeri et al., (1977:34)

Mrs. Mathew discovered her husband was having an affair with another woman who was currently seeking divorce at the chief's court. She went to her own headman to sue her husband, but her headman cautioned her to desist, because if it were publicly known that a woman who was still married was having affairs, her husband would be fined heavily. However she insisted that her case be taken to the chief's court and that she be given an opportunity of accusing her husband for sleeping with another man's wife. The court hearing took place and the husband was charged $140 for adultery. He agreed to pay, but reminded his wife at court that from that day onwards he was going to work for damages and that he would not be able to buy anything for her or