The Tie That Binds

By Mutea Rukwaru

The Tie That Binds focuses on the causes and implications of divorce, adultery and prostitution on family and social stability. It is assumed there is some relationship between the three. The Tie That Binds also focuses on management of the three phenomena.

The Tie That Binds targets the following:-

Students of social work
Married and non married persons
Psychiatrists and doctors
Marriage counsellors
Religious leaders
Officers working in social services, probation and children's department

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mutea Rukwaru
• Release date: Jun 7, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370145591

Mutea Rukwaru

Mutea Rukwaru is an accomplished author of international reputation.He is an author of 17 bestselling books. He has written widely in the areas of research and family. He has wide knowledge in world of practice having been in the Department of Social Development for 33 years and also being in the world of academia, that is Universities and Kenya Schools of Government.Some of the top selling books include:Anatomy of CrimeFinancial Success Every Family's DreamEducation at CrossroadTraining at its bestMilestones of lifeHow to be a better CounselorThe winning familyThe Tie that bindsHappy though marriedFundamentals of social researchWhat happy couples knowSuccessful time managementStatistics can be funStrong in the stormSnapshot view of Social ResearchSocial Research Methods a complete guidePowerful Proposal, Powerful PresentationUpcoming titles being published by Eureka publishers are: Limits of Medicine, Dreams of my Motherland and A Place to feel at HomeMutea Rukwaru holds a Masters of Arts in Sociology (Counseling) and a Bachelor of Arts (Sociology), Upper Second class honors from Nairobi University

Book preview

The

Tie

that

Binds

Mutea Rukwaru

Published by EUREKA PUBLISHERS

P.O BOX 1414 MERU

©Mutea Rukwaru 2005

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the copyright owner and the publisher.

Author's Note

The names of characters in this book are fictitious and so are the names of places, but the events recounted are real. Any resemblance of people living or dead is purely accidental.

Typesetting by:

Mercsam General Enterprises

P.O Box 1409

Meru

Printed by:

Don Bosco Printing Press

P.O Box 158

01020 Kenol

ISBN 9966-9802-2-9

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Copyright and authors notes

Table of Contents

Acknowledgements

Dedication

Quotation

Preface

Study period

Divorce (Introduction)

Theoretical explanation of divorce

Implication of divorce

Management of divorce

Adultery definition and general overview

Theoretical explanation of adultery

Implication of adultery

Management of adultery

Prostitution (Introduction)

Historical background of prostitution

Methodology used in carrying out prostitution

Theoretical explanations of prostitution

Implications of prostitution

Management of prostitution

References

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I feel deeply grateful to many people who, throughout my life, have given me the encouragement and support I needed to help make my own dreams come true.

Mrs. Mirriam Guantai, my primary school teacher for planting the seed of confidence in me and always leading me to believe I could be anything I wanted.

To my mother Salome whose advice that I should not allow negative forces which come on my way blur my vision of life. Although no longer with us, she remains forever in my heart and continues to inspire me.

Mr. Bernard Nduilu, my literature teacher in Meru School, for seeing the talent and passion in a young boy, and through his warmth and sensitivity encouraging me to write. He always had time to go through the short poems I composed.

Professor Philista Onyango, my family and child welfare lecturer in the University of Nairobi for starting me on my journey into the art of writing. She used to tell me that she saw in me a future writer.

The late Professor Katama Mkangi (May God rest his soul in eternal bliss) my thesis supervisor in the university of Nairobi, for his critical but constructive criticism and for impressing on me that life should be looked at holistically and not atomistically. This approach widened my intellectual horizon and I was able to understand many social phenomena.

To my childhood friends Stephen Thuranira and Reuben Mwenda with whom I have shared a lot of things and gone through exciting experiences. In one way or another they have enriched this work.

Special thanks also to:

Doctor I.N. Mwaniki of the University of Nairobi Department of linguistics who opened my eyes to the labyrinth world of publication

John Kimathi of Egerton University who made it possible for my first draft of my manuscript to be edited in the said university.

John Mariene my wonderful friend. He worked with me every step of the way. He proposed many useful changes in the structures and -low of the manuscript. He invested his time, talent, heart and soul to see to it that this book was the very best of my effort. His family had a lot of patience even when their leisure time was interfered with when discussing the manuscript. They have been a great inspiration and encouragement to me.

Ann Ambwere my commissioner for social services, for giving me an opportunity to attend a sub-region conference on Beijing plus 10 in Kigali Rwanda. This gave me an opportunity to collect data on prostitution in Rwanda, and this no doubt enriched the chapter on prostitution especially on the aspect of comparison. She has been a great encouragement to me as an author.

Peter Raburu my Provincial Commissioner Central Province, who has been a great inspiration to me. I learnt so much from him having been longer in the orchestra of life, and this no doubt gave my book a different direction.

I would also want to recognize and warmly thank the following people who shared their expertise or just generally gave me their time and shown considerable caring.

Mr. Mubarak of the Ministry of Gender, Uganda who gave me a lot of insight into prostitution in Uganda.

Mr. Ndua Chege of the Ministry of Gender. Sports Culture and Social Services, Kenya. He gave a critical look to my work and that gave me an opportunity to look at issues in a different dimension.

My brother-in-law Sammy Njue and his wife Esther Njue for their constant encouragement.

Martha Mutuku who's honest sharing and openness provided me with valuable insights and a wealth of information.

Mr. S.M. O. Koli lecturer at Government Training Institute Embu, a wonderful lawyer and friend who greatly increased my knowledge of the issues and legalities surrounding marriage.

Doctor Gikunda Mburugu a bosom friend who brought to my attention a lot of literature especially in the field of sexology. God bless you.

Mr. Mailu of the Ministry of Planning and National Development, Mr. Ogallo of ministry of water, Mr. Anguche and family, Jane Wahome my secretary, is a big thank you to you all for your constant encouragement.

Josephine of insurance whose outlook helped me to incorporate the gender dimension to my work and to many other people who contributed data about themselves and other people, many thanks for you have provided the substance of this book.

Friends and neighbours may think and see themselves in the examples used throughout the book- they are, however mistaken

Jane Gatwiri is the young lady who patiently deciphered my hand writing to type the manuscript. I am very grateful to her.

Lastly the most important acknowledgement of all, I believe is the Lord. He gave me strength to write and rewrite when I was bone tired. He has enabled me not to lose sight of the goal he had placed in my heart. For the eighteen years I have been collecting data for this book the Lord has been my comforter as I went through various phases of life. Some various dramas in the orchestra of life have been very challenging, but he helped me to be sober and calm.

DEDICATION

To our children,

Johnmark, Annrose and Michael,

Who have given me the joy of being a father

and also the joy of living.

Learning is acquired by reading books, but the much more necessary learning, the knowledge of the world, is only to be acquired by reading men, and studying all the various editions of them.

Lord Chesterfield, Letters to His Son

Introduction

We are living at a time when the world is going through tremendous changes. It is a period characterized by many social and economic upheavals. To say the least, it is a dispensation of uncertainty, betrayal and general social unrest.

This work focuses on the causes and implications of divorce, adultery and prostitution on family and social stability. It is assumed there is some relationship among prostitution, divorce and adultery. Prostitution may be seen as adultery when it involves a person that is married and this might lead to separation, whereas in prostitution there is no emotional attachment for at least one member, adultery may involve some measure of emotional ties. In many instances adultery may lead to divorce, which in turn could lead to prostitution.

The interest to examine the three phenomena was prompted by what I (author) observed in the 1980's during my routine work as a social development officer in Laikipia, Later, when I joined the Directorate of personnel Management in the office of the president as a lecturer, my students in social work persistently challenged me to explain the dynamics of the three phenomena. Intimate friends and long time associates had also wondered why a sociologist like the author could not shed some light on these social concerns.

This piece of work is an attempt to respond to these challenges and concerns. Little work has been done on these issues and it is my humble conviction that this book will prove useful to people operating at various capacities in society.

The book targets the following readership:

Students of social work

Married and non married persons

Psychiatrists and doctors

Marriage counselors

Church leaders

Officers working in social services, probation and children's departments.

Non-governmental organizations for instance National Council of Women of Kenya (NCWK), Maendeleo ya Wanawake, etc

Scholars- whose interest could provoke a critical analysis of the ideas discussed thereby coming up with solutions that could assist society

General readership

Methodology

The information, data and material presented in this book were collected through simple structure observations, interviews, case studies and analysis of available data. This multi-methodological approach was prompted by the uniqueness and sensitivity of the phenomena in question.

Study period

The study period is between 1987 and 2004. Of great importance is to note that the information in this book will be able to withstand the test of time.

CHAPTER ONE

DIVORCE

Introduction

Marriage is the only satisfactory arrangement for achieving lasting mutual love and companionship between parents and children. It provides or at least it should provide a stable environment for bringing up children inbred with the ideals on which society is founded and has long endured. Couples come to recognize that marriage is a partnership based on life goals and ideals in which each has duties, pleasures, desires and needs which the other helps him or her to fulfill. But in spite of this, in practice, it often becomes little more than a grueling contest of opposing wills. The results can be seen in courts and marital counseling clinics.

Marriage is different from other human relationships. It is a partnership in which individual selfishness has to be surrendered for mutual gain. Marriage has no place for compulsive uncontrolled self-centeredness on either husband or wife. In marriage, there must be companionship, mutual understanding and respect, a sense of equality and sharing of goods, dreams and ideas.

The husband and wife might be thought of as a mutually supportive team of actors. In each other's company, they may rehearse the roles associated with the statuses that they currently hold and in this way iron out any problems associated with a particular performance. When they appear together in public, as they frequently do, they are able to provide support to each other in their attempts at impression management.

Berger and Kellner (1964: 13-14) had this to say:

In the marital conversation the world is not only built but it is also kept in a state of repair and ongoingly furnished. The subjective reality of this world for the two partners is sustained by the same conversation. The nomic instrumentality of marriage is concretized over and over again from bed to breakfast table, as the partners carry on an endless conversation that feeds on nearly all them individually at jointly experience.

Marriage is seen as a dramatic act in which two individuals come together and redefine themselves. This redefinition is characterized by a process of mutual adjustment during which the newly married couple learn to adapt their own behaviors’ to the expectations of each other. It is in the period following the marriage ceremony that the husband and wife negotiate the norms that define the working basis of their relationship. The extent of mutuality in this process depends on the relative strength of the two personalities involved. Both partners must to some extent change these patterns of behavior characteristic of their bachelor and spinster days.

This reciprocal process whereby the newly married learn to adjust to one another leads each to a closer identification with the partner in life. To the outside world, the couple comes to be known and thought of as a pair. At most social occasions it is expected that they will appear together and if one spouse comes alone, curiosity is immediately aroused as to the whereabouts of the better half'. They become known and referred to by the plural of the husband's name. This cooperative involvement between spouses leads ultimately to some degree of merging in their identities, and they too come to think of themselves as we instead of I".

The importance of being married is not just a matter of individual choice. It is socially and culturally reinforced. Marital status is a part of the identity in which the individual invests one of his or her most valuable assets, that is his or her youth. The other resources are ploughed into the status - the setting up of conjugal home, which can be an expensive business- it can absorb the entire cash resources of both partners. In terms of energy, the marital status is equally demanding.

Marriage either directly or indirectly takes a large share, of individual assets and commitment. Like all investments, marriage carries a certain element of risk and we must assure that before the individual embarks upon the investment programmes, he or she calculates the probability that this gamble will yield a return. Acts of putting all of one's eggs in a single basket whether undertaken on a calculated or on a less rational basis would presumably be motivated by the belief that the risk element in the act is small.

Sadly, despite all the investments, some members of the society decide to dissolve the marital union. Divorce is not a part of social life. Sociologists have often recognized divorce as a point of strain in the social structure. The end of marriage can bring about the complete disintegration of either partners' established way of life. It involves usually financial hardship, the breakup of a home and family, and reversal of customary expectations both for the present and the future.

Encyclopedia Britannica (1960) defines divorce as the dissolution of marital union, which may be due to reasons like adultery, barrenness, impotence and if the wife is suffering from incurable diseases. In Rome, Justinian the second gave some of the reasons which can lead to the dissolution of marriage as when the husband is a party or privy to conspiracy against the state, attempting the wife's life or failing to disclose to her a plot against the state, attempting to introduce his wife to commit adultery and also taking another woman to live in the house with his wife. A husband was allowed to divorce his wife due to adultery, failure to disclose to her husband a plot against the state, frequenting dinners or balls with other men against her husband's wishes and also procuring abortion.

Mushanga (1976) says that traditionally, marriage is a social institution, which not only unites the two partners but also unites families and clans. It has some functions to fulfill and when this does not happen or when the relationship between the couples is not satisfactory, divorce becomes the solution. But it should be pointed out that in the past it was not necessary to take the case to court but clan elders used to intervene and tackle the problem.

During the pre-divorce period, Mushanga continues, affection between the couples is progressively withdrawn, irritation with the partner increases, clashes may increase and intensify, disagreement and quarrels increase, silence is prolonged and temporary separation and reunion may be common experience for most people who eventually divorce. Sleeping on different beds or rooms, sitting at the table without exchanging friendly words is common. The man takes to absenteeism. If he drinks, he intensifies his drinking and shortens his stay at home considerably.

Given the crucial role that conjugal relationships appear to play in the adult lives of modern men and women, it may strike some that married couples even find it necessary to separate at all. Berger and Kellner explain this apparent paradox by asserting that marriage has become so important to the individual that nothing short of the perfect union will suffice.

This interpretation which has also been put forward by Fletcher (1966) to explain the increased rate of marital breakup in Britain, seems to imply that there is a flourishing market for second marriage to which entry is open and that individuals are relatively unconstrained in their attempts to seek alternative partners.

It is also important to note that marriage relationship can be compared to a market where independent social actors exchange goods and services. The context in which marital exchanges take place is dynamic. Each partner, as he or she moves through the life career, encounters new situations and new statuses which may influence the conjugal relationship and in particular the pattern of exchanges between husband and wife.

Against this background the two partners will be engaged in a continual process of negotiation. The pattern of their relationship may not fluctuate dramatically from month to month or even year-to-year, but over the space of several years the character of married life may be considerably changed. This being the case, the relationship between the married couple is like any that is based on exchange, continually exposed to potential conflict.

Although the husband and wife have shared interests as couple, as independent individuals they also have