Better Parenting

By Mutea Rukwaru

Parenthood provides the opportunity to guide, teach and pass on values to the next generation. Having a child may help new parents understand their parent’s love and perspectives. Responsible parenting and civic virtues are closely linked. It is from responsible parents that we most often learn social values such as kindness, honesty, altruism etc. Responsible parents also teach practical things about how to exist in society. Parental values and parenting style can shape children fundamentally as people. So it is important if we want to ensure that our society is a just and tolerant one governed by moral principles, then we must all strive to be good and responsible parents. Parenting is the most important and challenging job any of us can have, yet it receives little support or recognition in our society. Father and mother plays an important role in our mental, physical, social, financial and career development. They are the most precious gift of God for us. They help us in every step of our life, they trained us very hard style for future challenges. The book better parenting will enhance skills to be better parents.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Mutea Rukwaru
• Release date: Feb 12, 2022
• ISBN: 9781005996642

Mutea Rukwaru

Mutea Rukwaru is an accomplished author of international reputation.He is an author of 17 bestselling books. He has written widely in the areas of research and family. He has wide knowledge in world of practice having been in the Department of Social Development for 33 years and also being in the world of academia, that is Universities and Kenya Schools of Government.Some of the top selling books include:Anatomy of CrimeFinancial Success Every Family's DreamEducation at CrossroadTraining at its bestMilestones of lifeHow to be a better CounselorThe winning familyThe Tie that bindsHappy though marriedFundamentals of social researchWhat happy couples knowSuccessful time managementStatistics can be funStrong in the stormSnapshot view of Social ResearchSocial Research Methods a complete guidePowerful Proposal, Powerful PresentationUpcoming titles being published by Eureka publishers are: Limits of Medicine, Dreams of my Motherland and A Place to feel at HomeMutea Rukwaru holds a Masters of Arts in Sociology (Counseling) and a Bachelor of Arts (Sociology), Upper Second class honors from Nairobi University

Book preview

BETTER

PARENTING

Mutea Rukwaru

ISBN: 978-9966-085-97-9

Other books by Mutea Rukwaru

(In order of years of publication)

Happy though married (2003)

The Tie that Binds (2005)

Successful Time Management, the Challenge for the Modern Manager (2006)

What Happy Couples Know (2006 a)

Fundamentals of Social Research (2007)

Milestones of Life (2007 a)

How to be a Better Counsellor (2007 b)

Anatomy of Crime (2008)

Winning Family (2008a)

Financial Success Every Family’s Dream (2008 b)

Education at Cross roads (2009)

Training at its Best (2010)

Social Research Methods : A Complete Guide (2015)

Powerful Proposal Powerful Presentation (2015a)

Statistics Can be Fun (2016)

Snapshot View of Social Research (2017)

Strong in the storm (2017a)

Retirement Dreams (2018)

Broken Promise (2019)

Limits of Medicine (2020)

Social Etiquettes and Manners (2020a)

The Heartbeat of Fundraising (2020b)

Published by EUREKA PUBLISHERS

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Copyright Mutea Rukwaru 2021

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be produced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher and author except for the inclusion of quotations in a review.

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Dedication

To all children and parents- past, present and future.

Preface

Parenthood provides the opportunity to guide, teach and pass on values to the next generation. Having a child may help new parents understand their parent’s love and perspectives. Responsible parenting and civic virtues are closely linked. It is from responsible parents that we most often learn social values such as kindness, honesty, altruism etc. Responsible parents also teach practical things about how to exist in society. Parental values and parenting style can shape children fundamentally as people. So it is important if we want to ensure that our society is a just and tolerant one governed by moral principles, then we must all strive to be good and responsible parents. Parenting is the most important and challenging job any of us can have, yet it receives little support or recognition in our society. Father and mother plays an important role in our mental, physical, social, financial and career development. They are the most precious gift of God for us. They help us in every step of our life, they trained us very hard style for future challenges. The book better parenting will enhance skills to be better parents.

Table of Contents

Other books by Mutea Rukwaru

Dedication

Preface

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

Chapter five

Chapter six

Chapter seven

Chapter eight

CHAPTER ONE

Introduction

"The driving force behind many challenging childhood behaviours is our children’s normal human need to control themselves! Since the goal of gentle parenting is to help our children learn to control themselves why fight them for the very thing we want them to have? Take the struggle out of power struggles by returning the power to the child" – L.R. Knost

Parenting or child rearing is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social and intellectual development of the child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the intricacies of raising a child and not exclusively for a biological relationship. The most common caretaker in parenting is the father or mother, or both, biological parents of the child in question, although a surrogate may be an older sibling, a step-parent, a grandparent, a legal guardian, aunt, uncle or other family member, a family friend or Government and society may also have a role in child-rearing. In many cases, orphaned or abandoned children receive parental care from non-parent or non-blood relationships (see Wikipedia). Encyclopaedia Britannica defines parenting as the process of raising children and providing them with protection and care in order to ensure their healthy development into adulthood.

History of parenting

Perhaps your parents or grandparents had different approaches to raising children than you are using in bringing up your own children. These weren’t necessarily bad means of parenting but different because they reflected cultural values that have changed over the generations. Much has changed over time and in the long history of parenting. But interestingly not much has changed. Let’s look at the following medieval societies and see how parenting was done:

Medieval Scandinavia

Girls were educated in the household arts, but boys typically learned farming and herding, except for the higher classes, who learnt the art of war. It was common for children to be fostered by other families in order to strengthen bonds between different kinship groups. Such children could be highly esteemed as one runic inscription as Kirk Michael on the Isle of man says, it is better to have a good foster son than a bad son. Fostering another man’s child could be an honour, or it could be an expression of dominance.

Imperial China

In china of the imperial restoration (6th -13th centuries AD), Children were highly valued and parents used various treatments and practices to increase fertility. Rearing was largely the responsibility of the mother, or in a wealthy family, nurses. A father might throw a grand feast for his community to celebrate the birth of an heir on the third day after the child’s birth and take the child into his arms for the first time. After three months, fathers gave boys special sacred names that were not spoken in public. Children, even as adults did not refer to their parents by their given names on pain of imprisonment. Among the Meru culture of Meru’s in Kenya, they follow the same pattern. They cannot refer to their parents by their names. If you do that, it is taken as a sign of ill manners.

Rituals marked a formal entry into adulthood for children of both genders. At fourteen, a girl’s hair was pinned on top of her head by her mother and she was given a new name signifying adulthood and eligibility for marriage. similarly, wealthy boys received a cap on their heads from their fathers in a ceremony before the spirits of the family ancestors, and took an adult name.

Approaches to discipline and character formation leading to this fulfilled adulthood were widely debated. There was always a middle ground between harshness and laxity:

But as soon as a baby can recognize facial expressions and understand approval and disapproval, training should begun so that he will do what he is told to do and stop when ordered. After a few years of this, punishment with the bamboo can be minimized, as parental strictness and dignity mingled with parental love will lead the boys and girls to a feeling of respect and caution and give rise to filial piety. Children eat, drink, speak and act as they please. Instead of needed prohibitions, they receive praise; instead of urgent reprimands, they receive smiles. Even when children are old enough to learn, such treatments is still regarded as the proper method. Only after the child has formed proud and arrogant habits do they try to control him. One may whip the child to death, and he will still not be respectful, while the growing anger of the parents only increases his resentment. After he grows up, such a child at last becomes nothing but a scoundrel (household instructions)

Ancient Rome

In theory, under the law and principle of patria potestas – the power of the father- the male head of the household held absolute power over his children. He could discipline them as he wished, or even kill them or sell them into slavery. Valued children were given a bulla or bags of magical charms worn around the neck to protect them from the harm. Childhood lasted until about thirteen for girls, when they were married off or fourteen for boys when their medallion, of childhood was replaced with toga of adulthood. Girls were educated in domestic skills at home and sufficiently wealthy boys attended local schools. Discipline could be harsh but many Romans realized that the rod was counterproductive.

Meru Community in Kenya

Birth is the first stage in the ladder of life. The birth of a male child is announced by women ululating four times, while that of a female child is greeted by three ululations. The following day, a small boy and a girl are sent to the sugar plantation to cut four stems of sugarcane which are put outside the house in which the baby was born. The top leaves of the same are cut and thrown onto the roof of the house. The sugarcane is then chewed by children from the neighbourhood. The birth of a child is an occasion for rejoicing for everyone in the village, and married women express their joy and reciprocity by each preparing a gourd of porridge or milk mixed with blood for the mother of the child. In the past, the birth of a child was not respected but was associated with mystic powers and taboos.

The birth attendant (mwijukia) is supposed to stay in the house nursing the mother and child till the child’s umbilical cord drops off by itself. During this period, all members of the household abstain from sexual relations. Sexual relations by any member of the household during this period would put the child’s life in danger. To end this semi-sacred period, the child is taken by its mother to a neighbour’s house where food is cooked, ostensibly for the child as the guest of honour. The symbolic significance of this rite is that the child has become a social being who must initiate and participate actively in reciprocal relations with neighbours. Implied in this relationship is interfamily equality and egalitarianism. A child is not shaved from the time it is born until it can be sent to take food to its father, i.e. it can talk well and can play freely with other children. This occasion signifies the following:

The child can be shaved as a rite of passage to the next age grade

The mother can resume sexual relations with her husband very early in the morning. Following the day the child fetches water, it is shaved. The hair is burnt with grass, and the resulting fire is used to roast bananas. Children from the village are invited to eat the bananas singing , twiria nchiuri cia mwana – we are eating the hair of a child. From this stage, the child climbs the ladder to maturity through both assistance from peers and personal achievement (see Socio-cultural Profile of Meru 1988).

Parenting is a challenging job. This is because there is no job description for the job of the parent. Can you imagine agreeing to take on a job for which there is no job description, no orientation programme, no training programme, and no performance review process. Until you are on the job, you have no idea what the job entails or how difficult it really is, then why do so many end up applying for the job in the first place?. It is also important to note that there is no such a thing like the perfect age. You often hear parents talk about how much they’re looking forward to their kids reaching such and such an age because it is the perfect age. There is no such a thing. Every age comes with its own unique mix of joys and challenges. You have just got to concentrate on whatever stage you’re dealing with right now. This too shall pass and then another complicated stage will kick in.

Nothing about parenting happens in a predictable, linear fashion. It is easy for certain behaviours to return after the fact. Whinning and temper tantrums that were so common during the toddler years can make themselves felt again during the preteen years. The experts don’t have all the answers. Now that may sound like blasphemy coming from the lips of a family and parenting author. Parenting in the real world is a lot messier than parenting on TV – the media paints a much rosier picture of what parenting is all about. Parenthood is a long term project, you have to wait for final payoff. The ultimate reward for any parent successfully raising a happy, healthy child to adulthood is many years in the making. What’s required in the meantime is a huge leap of faith that things will turn out as they should. It can be difficult to make decisions for your children now without knowing what the future holds.

Kids can force you to confront any stuff that you may have tried to bury underneath the carpet. Children can change your life. They will also confront all the painful and unsavory emotions that humans put so much energy trying to avoid. Children will teach you that you are capable of deep compassion and also that you are definitely not the nice, calm, competent clear thinking, highly evolved person you fancied yourself to