8 Rights of Parent Leadership- And How to Get Them Back!

By L.L. Fredrickson

A family power reversal has occurred in America - Children are now in charge! American parents have given up power, leadership and 8 basic rights of traditional child rearing... and we are all paying the price. 

This book is not a politically correct discussion of American parenting today. It boldly addresses why and how parents have failed to supervise, nurture and exert leadership with their children. We cannot completely blame children for their defiance, aggressiveness, entitled and out-of-control behaviors and attitudes when it is their parents who have allowed it all to happen. Parents are ultimately accountable for what their children do, and it starts at birth. 

These 8 basic rights of parent leadership are weakly and inconsistently practiced by American parents: 

#1 The right to live in peace in your own home. 

#2 The right to make the rules. 

#3 The right to set and maintain family values, standards and ethics. 

#4 The right to insist on school attendance. 

#5 The right to control electronic devices and media. 

#6 The right to the truth. 

#7 The right to search and seizure. 

#8 The right to monitor clothing and appearance. 

Being a parent leader in America today is truly an act of courage, but a quiet, powerful revolution is occurring within many families. 

I envision an America where parents once again, assume their natural roles as protectors and leaders of their families. 

I envision an America with age-appropriate, self-controlled and literate children, who know their place, respect authority, want success in life and correlate good behavior with getting it. 

I envision an America where good parents lead and good children follow and there is contentment, safety and purpose in family life once again. 

Let's open a national conversation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: La Paz Publishing
• Release date: Dec 14, 2016
• ISBN: 9781386746881

Book preview

And So It Begins

I believe American parents have lost their way and are no longer leaders of their families. Many parents though, are struggling to regain their leadership positions, but the pathway back is overgrown with a tangle of personal selfishness, cultural obstacles and self-imposed distress.

When the underbrush of narcissistic deception, and destructive lifestyles is cleared away, the path toward traditional parent leadership can be clearly seen. However, a return to the behaviors and attitudes inherent in traditional parenting in our country cannot be achieved unless American parents are willing to make significant and revolutionary changes within themselves. And change does not occur unless old ways are identified, courageously admitted, and illuminated by the bright, light of truth.

I envision an America where parents, once again, assume their natural roles as leaders of their households.

I envision an America of energized and optimistic parent leaders working to build safe communities and a spiritually strong nation.

I envision an America with age-appropriate, literate and self-disciplined children, who know their place, want success in life and correlate good behavior with getting it.

I envision an America where good parents lead and good children follow, and the family power structure is as God and Nature intended—and there is contentment, safety and purpose once again in family life.

Let's open the conversation...

I love my country. But, I see what has happened to American families over the last five decades from the vantage point of a law enforcement officer, teacher and parent coach. In frustration, as well as eager anticipation, I wrote this book to declare loudly—American parents can do better!

What I have written is not new. The concepts and observations expressed here have been worried about and quietly discussed for many years, but in hushed voices, in fear of public censure and condemnation from liberals who stifle free-flowing debate. My observations have been stated far more eloquently by brave scholars and courageous pundits, who also decry the degradation of the traditional American family. So, why is this parenting book different from all the others?

I look at the breakdown of the American family from a different perspective and therefore, I find a different explanation...and a different solution. I am a retired juvenile probation officer and inner city educator, who worked for 40 years with all types of children and their parents—some involved in the criminal justice system and many who were not. It is from this deeply visceral level of experience that I speak.

I describe the self-centered, irresponsible behaviors and attitudes of too many American parents today, and the powerfully aggressive, entitled and indulged children they have produced. And, I believe I've found one explanation for what has happened to us as a nation of families: A power reversal has occurred.

American children are now in charge of their parents.

Too many American children are unsupervised and out-of-control, exercising unprecedented levels of defiance and independence and are growing up too quickly and less successfully than they should. This is the plight of the American family that many of us see and decry. American parents no longer function as strong, family leaders, as in past generations.

Traditional parent leadership is an honorable and accountable lifestyle, which embodies a set of child rearing beliefs and practices which has stood the test of time around the world. Parents are in charge and responsible for the welfare and behavior of their children, and children look to, and learn from, good parental role models. Parents lead and children follow.

Being a parent leader is a tough role to fulfill today. When it is approached with respect and humility, parent leadership is a demanding and all-consuming responsibility. Strong and healthy parenting ideally takes two dedicated adults to adequately and rigorously raise a child in today's highly challenging and dangerous world. Parenting is best done in pairs.

Strong, traditional parent leadership can be practiced by many parent combinations: a man and woman; two women; two men; a father and grandmother co-parenting; and other pairs of life-bonded adults who function as confident, accountable family leaders, who are dedicated to providing compassionate, consistent child rearing—together.

This book is a back-to-basics primer for parents who want to strengthen their leadership roles, and for parents who have lost their leadership positions and realize how this has weakened the emotional health and viability of their families. I believe the survival of strong American families depends on realigning the power structure back to what it traditionally used to be...where parents led and children followed. I write about things and events you may not want to admit or hear. I believe however, I write about you and me.

I celebrate the courageous parents who have, with joy and tenacity, placed the mantle of parental leadership on their shoulders, for they are the vanguards of a great revolution beginning in America.

The traditional American family has changed. Its strength and viability has slowly withered over the last 50 years, dragging down so many of our children into lives of personal failure, addiction, arrogance and hopelessness. In desperation, many parents are willing to turn to government to fix their family dysfunction. As a result, social services, the court system, and law enforcement are tasked with supervising and caring for a larger portion of America's leaderless children, than ever before.

Today, any discussion of family leadership and traditional values is seen by enlightened folks as intolerant and judgmental speech. Political correctness dictates we accept everyone's style of parenting and consider it to be as equal and valid as any other. But look around. A truthful observation would suggest many parenting styles and behaviors, of a large portion of our population, have not produced many shining stars from this generation of children. Perhaps not all parenting styles are as equal as others.[1]*

Many concerned and courageous American parents are beginning to speak out, despite the possibility of insulting or hurting feelings if someone's parenting behavior is questioned. All American parents—who reflect traditional values and standards—are advised to toughen-up and to loudly declare there are successful, time-tested ways to raise children. Liberal, permissive parents, who whine the loudest about tolerance, have completely failed. Americans are better than this.

For the past 50 years, Americans in positions of power from all walks of life, defended the liberal philosophy of different strokes for different folks, representing the tolerate-it-all approach to parenting (some call it moral relativism), but the jury is in: Permissive, liberal parenting—where parents are equal to and friends with their children, where children have control over their own lives, where there is no firm standard of right and wrong, and where we operate from moral and ethical neutrality—has simply not worked.

But, the wheels of correction are starting to turn, encouraging American parents to reinvent themselves once again, as strong leaders of their families...and to ask, Who is in charge of whom? The tail now wags the dog. Therefore, the message in this book will be irritating to many folks and will appear simplistic and laughable to others. However, I write what many embattled parent leaders are thinking privately, believing they are the only ones who have deep frustration about the plight of American families, as they now exists.

The idea of parental accountability and leadership—old as the hills and practiced successfully by past generations of parents around the world—is not a welcomed discussion topic in America today. This book will appear to many parents, who believe my-child-is-my-friend, as dictatorial and judgmental, espousing old-fashioned ways that are allegedly debunked by New Age thinking and dubious research. Their responses are predictable. And, they are flat wrong!

I ask, have our techno-infused lives morphed into such unnatural shapes we struggle to even remember how parenting used to be? Many folks view the traditional American family, as depicted in history books, old movies and situation comedies from decades ago, as stilted, curious, and authoritative. It was not a perfect family back then (far from it) but somehow it worked better and it produced generations of mostly positive, mostly literate, mostly law-abiding, mostly respectful and mostly productive adults. This is laughable? I believe it is laudable.

We hear the frustrations and concerns of grandparents and great grandparents about how children were better raised in years past. Childrearing used to contain as much pure joy as challenge. Daily life then was secured by societal rules, unabashed spiritual beliefs, mundane routines, respect for authority, personal loyalty and honor towards marriage vows and love of country. Basic, honorable, time-tested concepts...but that's so old school!

Generations ago, most parents performed as leaders of their families, and their children followed, learning from strong parental role models. Traditional parent leadership was the expected mode of raising children to adulthood. Parents never second guessed their power as parents, they simply raised their children relying on traditional practices, good role modeling and common sense. No questions asked. Parents parented with confidence because they were comfortable with being the authority. And the children were...children!

As Dr. Jack C. Westman M.D. writes, Competent parents are capable of assuming responsibility for their own lives, sacrificing some of their interests for their children, providing limits for their children's behavior and giving their children hope for the future. I believe the traditional ideas of responsible parent leadership are still part of our collective American memories, but buried deeply, remaining part of our instinctual common sense. I believe our capacity to regenerate parental leadership is just waiting to re-emerge and be examined by a whole new generation of parents, who will declare such parenting concepts as insightful and new!

American parents are encouraged to scrape away the trappings of highly-scheduled, materialistic, self-indulgent and media-addicted lives, and look with bold, fresh eyes at traditional parenting. I hope to show how parents can take back their power and raise their children once again, with social and personal accountability. It is also my hope this book will encourage and empower American parents to state without hesitation and with conviction...

I am ready to become a parent leader!

Chapter Endnotes

1. According to psychiatrist Dr. Jack C. Westman M.D., "Fully one-third of our children and adolescents are not doing well. Over 11 million have been damaged by neglect and/or abuse. School failures, addictions, crime and welfare dependency are largely preventable if we simply would do one thing: ensure that all newborns have competent parents.

CHAPTER ONE

The Big Picture

American children call the shots in their own lives, emboldened by parents who embrace one of three parenting styles:

STYLE #1 Pampering, overly-trusting, weak and enabling, hovering, smothering and self absorbed

STYLE #2 Neglecting, abandoning, substance-addicted, detached and self-absorbed

STYLE #3 A hybrid of style #1 and #2

All three parenting styles have produced children who are aggressively self-centered and less successful then they could be—children who exhibit little remorse or accountability for their behavior and who arrogantly control their own world and that of their parents. The indictment continues.

American parents—hip, cool, permissively liberal—and their narcissistic world views, have produced children who are massively arrogant, yet morally weak…a generation of demanding children with a profound sense of entitlement, false rights and expectations. These are children who become angry and defiant when parents and other adults do not automatically deposit rewards at their feet for doing relatively nothing of value. These are children, in many cases, who have never experienced deep and meaningful parental involvement in their lives, and are virtually raising themselves. These are children in charge...children who call the shots. These are the American children who will eventually lead our nation.

Politics is in everything.

All politics is local.

And, you cannot get more local than an individual family.

How did the family power reversal happen? I believe it began in the wonder years of the 1960s and 1970s—an era of challenging traditional institutions, the emerging women's liberation movement and Vietnam War protests, among other incredible social movements that rocked our nation's core during this historical time, causing American families to slowly turn upside down and inside out! This was a time of tumultuous re-evaluation of time-honored institutions and revered practices. The protests, riots and national arguments about everything respected and authoritative, resulted in good and bad resolutions. American families have never recovered.

In the late 1960s we called the protesters and instigators of social change, baby boomers, who were the privileged progeny of post World War II parents. Disgruntled baby boomers were the first generation of American children to vociferously reject traditional family values, patriotic loyalties, community and national pride, and soul-felt allegiance to just about anything. Baby boomers raised a collective third finger in the face of everything their parents believed was respectable, honored, and sacred. Politics, laws, family lifestyles, conventional wisdom, religious institutions, customs, and traditions were defied, exposed, and ridiculed. It was a world gone mad for many older Americans, who found their traditionally-oriented lives challenged.

If I were to select just one social movement of this time which significantly contributed the most destruction to American family life, it would be the women's liberation movement. It was a social effort I personally embraced, grew through and emerged on the other side, older and hopefully wiser. Looking back at the women's liberation movement, I recognize the positive advances it produced for women's wage equality and other workplace improvements. However, its dark side still controls and contaminates our culture and social policy decisions today. This movement promoted the denigration of men, devalued and scoffed at the bonds of matrimony, stating it was nothing more than slavery and legalized rape, and it glorified single-parenting, because children did not need fathers after conception. Gloria Steinem, one of the movement's leaders, touted, A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Women swallowed it, hook, line and sinker. I know I did. And I, like thousands of idealistic young women of this era, were rabid followers, vociferously supporting these short-sighted and anti-traditional family concepts. And, slowly but surely the American family began to crumble.

Baby boomers were relentless in challenging their parent's generation, accusing them of living lives of hypocritical conformity and tolerating personal pain because authority said to bear it. Suffering or denying yourself pleasure were not acceptable life options and baby boomers pharmaceutically soothed their souls, reducing stress with if-it-feels-good-do-it experiences. Baby boomers encouraged each other to follow their instincts and impulses, instead of relying on logic, self-discipline and control. And, by the time they took the reins of power, American family life was changed forever.

As parents, baby boomers did not follow the traditional guidelines of past generations and raised their free-spirited children in what was termed, the natural way. Structure, discipline, schedules, setting expectations and boundaries, maintaining hierarchical distinctions between parent and child were all rejected as shallow and restrictive. Go with the flow, advised baby boomers, who looked disdainfully at their pathetic parents as the source of all their own personal misery and angst. Baby boomers vowed never to raise their children under the parental tyranny they endured. They saw organized and structured family living as killing the spirit and wilting the soul. All over America, baby boomers were experimenting with unconventional styles of child rearing as they desperately tried to replace the traditional two-parent family.

America's baby boomer parents wanted to be friends with their children, not authoritative bosses! And so the relaxation of the family power structure began to happen. Parental power quietly shifted away from parents over to children, who were now seen as equals. Progressive baby boomers declared children to have the same rights and status within the family as they enjoyed. All were equal. It was baby boomers who created this permissive snowball and shoved it down the hill. And, the snowball increased in size and speed as the generations progressed.

Baby boomers today are grandparents and their children are all grown up. It is the grandchildren of baby boomers with whom we now contend. It is the grandchildren who arrogantly stand before us, hands outstretched, demanding to be honored and rewarded. This is the empowered generation, told from birth how exceptionally wonderful they are, that high self-esteem is the key to success in life—not hard work. The grandchildren of baby boomers were not raised to comprehend the idea that hard work, self-discipline and sacrifice produced things of value—and only after achievement are rewards enjoyed. Fueled by policies of entitlement, permissive parenting, the vulgarities of pop culture and unbridled freedom, the grandchildren of baby boomers rage on.....The snowball is immense now and gathers speed downward, coming to rest at the bottom of the hill, melting. This is today's American family.

Welcome to Our World

What used to be unacceptable and bad behavior in children is now considered normal behavior. Politeness, social graces, table manners, respectful discourse (without F-bombs and profanity), humility and modesty, are all relics of the past. Promiscuously dressed 12-year-old girls belch loudly, laugh and flip-off folks at the mall, while boys think nothing of publicly exposing their underwear, yelling profanities and brutally shoving people out of the way as they pass. Typical in-your-face teenage behavior since the beginning of time you say? It's more than that today. And, dear readers, you know it is much, much more. Parents today are simply not teaching their children the basics of politeness and social graces—skills which stimulate successful interaction among people around the world.

Most everyone links good behavior with having good character, so let's look at one aspect of character that many believe has declined: honesty versus cheating. Social observers report that people believe cheating is at epidemic levels today. A study published by Duke University in 2005 reported American children feel an action isn't wrong unless they get caught. A 2013 survey conducted by The Josephson Institute Center for Youth Ethics, found that 51 percent of high school students admitted cheating on a test during the past year and 74 percent of students said they copied another student’s homework. All this data suggests that cheating too often is the rule, not the exception for American children.

Because parents are children’s most important role models and teachers, the survey reporters advised parents to be aware of the ethical messages they send when they cheat in front of their children. When a parent states a child is under 12 in order to get a reduced price at the movies, children see and remember. When parents discuss how they misrepresent their income on their taxes, children see and remember. When children know their parents cheat, it is not surprising they think it is acceptable for them to do so. American children also reported feeling the adult world offered them few role models they would like to emulate.

Sometimes parents cannot win no matter what they attempt to teach or role model, even if they responsibly establish behavioral boundaries or question their children's poor choices. If parents attempt to parent, (limit, guide, instruct) they are immediately considered adversaries and labeled judgers and haters. Any restriction or curtailment of a child's wishes or a contradictory point of view triggers a violation of civil rights tantrum. American children have been taught tolerance for any form of behavior to such a degree, they no longer have any standards... making up their standards as they go. Parent leaders have a tough road ahead of them.

American children have been taught tolerance

to such a degree they no longer have any standards.

Unless, of course, one happens to disagree with them...

Oh...the inhumanity!

It is my opinion that American children have been handed too many options, too much freedom, coupled with too much trust. This is a combustible combination because the judgment centers of children's brains are not fully developed to consistently make judicious and prudent decisions. When children are not raised by parent leaders who teach why cheating, stealing and lying are wrong, or how to delay gratification, exercise self-control and manage anger…the match is sparked.

The child-in-charge phenomena

has become a pernicious, destructive,

and accepted style of American parenting.

Family counseling experts report that American parents have not only abdicated their leadership roles, but are