The A, B, Cs to Z of Godly Parenting: How to Nurture a Spiritually Healthy Family

By Beverly J. Bond-Cox

This inspirational little parenting book was written across many days and nights as were the two previous books by Dr. Cox. Unlike the other two books, however, this book began during the parenting years of her and her husbands four children and represents the congealment of wisdom across the years based on Dr. Coxs day-to-day experiences as a mother of four, clinical psychologist; seminary trained ordained minister, trained spiritual director and chaplain. This book is the how-to book that places God at the Center of parenting. At the heart of her writing is Dr. Coxs view of parenting as a sacred duty that must be taken seriously and done intentionally. She hopes that the readers, regardless of faith tradition find Godly wisdoms within these pages. Most of all, she hopes that she conveys that parenting is hard work with no short-cuts. Parenting is not one thing. For example, it is not just discipline, though discipline is important. And it is not just love, though love is essential. Parenting is multifaceted. Parenting requires commitment and energy. Her greatest hope is that parents will work on getting-it-right before its too late. Dr. Cox considers this her most important work, to date.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 19, 2012
• ISBN: 9781479751228

Beverly J. Bond-Cox

Dr. Bond-Cox was born in Brownsville Tennessee, the older of two daughters. Her parents were local educators who stressed hard work, close knit family, Christian values, and education. Bev grew to love learning and became a top honor student throughout her years throughout elementary grades, Roman Catholic girl’s boarding high school, two universities and more recent seminary degree. Having achieved her educational aspirations to become a Ph.D. licensed clinical psychologist engaged in college teaching and private psychological practice as well as ordained Christian Minister and Spiritual Director, Bev turned her attention to her first love since childhood---writing. She began dusting off old works and creating new ones. This current book is a combination of the old and the new. This book represents a ten-plus plunge into the icy dark and cold waters of domestic violence with another. It was a painful yet important journey. The journey informs everything that she has ever done from police psychological coordinator, to psychologist in a child development center, to Director of Psychology in a state facility for individuals with mental retardation to school psychologists in public schools and a correctional facility and more.

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Copyright © 2012 by Beverly J. Bond-Cox, PhD/MDiv.

Library of Congress Control Number:       2012921883

ISBN:         Hardcover                               978-1-4797-5121-1

                   Softcover                                 978-1-4797-5120-4

                   Ebook                                      978-1-4797-5122-8

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

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Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter I      The Almighty

Chapter II      Boundaries

Chapter III      Consequences

Chapter IV      Demonstrate

Chapter V      Expectations

Chapter VI      Forgiveness

Chapter VII      Goals

Chapter VIII      History

Chapter IX      Individualism

Chapter X      Journey

Chapter XI      Knowledge

Chapter XII      Love

Chapter XIII      Misery

Chapter XIV      Needs

Chapter XV      Order

Chapter XVI      Patience

Chapter XVII      Quiet

Chapter XVIII      Resilience

Chapter XIX      Strength

Chapter XX      Tenacity

Chapter XXI      Uniqueness

Chapter XXII      Values

Chapter XXIII      Windows

Chapter XXIV      X-ray

Chapter XXV      Yearning

Chapter XXVI      Zones

Preface

This book was inspired by God through many days and nights of raising our four children. My husband and I attribute all the wonderful things that they have done and become to the hand of God on all of us—us and them. One is a physician, one is an attorney, one is an ex-NFL player and current MBA student, and still another is a social services director. They are warm, loving, fun, generous, and very busy young professionals. It has taken much energy and attention to help form them.

When people have asked us for our parenting secrets, we have quickly answered, Church, yet most people scoff at this answer. Surely, they probe, it must be something else. Yet this is what we believe: commitment to God and godly disciplines with regular involvement in our faith community has made all the difference. You see, there just can be no effective parenting formula that does not include God. It is God that grows a healthy, well-rounded, well-adjusted family and children.

Thank you, God, for the gift of parenting and for this little book.

Introduction

Being a parent is tough. It is the hard work of cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, and more, which begins in infancy and morphs into new forms over a lifetime. Yes, being a parent is a lifetime commitment. The caring may change form from diapering to mentoring, but the bond is forever. The love endures through the highs and the lows. The worry never fades but only lessens with the distance of miles.

Being a parent is probably the most challenging thing that most of us will ever do. And as we are often reminded, there is no road map; there is no magic formula that works for all children. Each child is unique! Each family is different! So why then should we bother to talk about parenting issues?

Most scholars agree that there is no one right way to parent; however, they do agree that there are many wrong ways. So it seems important to tackle this parenting topic from a Christian perspective because of the many mothers and fathers who are crying for help—what to do with an aggressive four-year-old, a distractible eight-year-old, an unmotivated adolescent, and on and on and on.

So, my friends, you who dare to read this book, I decided to try and capture the basics of effective parenting from my experiences on parenting and clinical psychology and education. Much of what will be included within this book will be my philosophy about how to define yourself in your role as parent; the idea is that right thinking should, in turn, guide right actions with regards to your individual child.

I am titling this book The ABCs to Z of Godly Parenting because of its emphasis on the basics. You may already have subscribed to many of these principles; thus, this book may offer a review for you as well as introduction to new ideas. While I feel as if I am a parent of healthy adult children, this is not my primary qualification for this book. Rather I believe that this book is an answer to a Holy Spirit mission. So care will be taken to stay in the Spirit as pen is put to paper. Also it is necessary that you too as readers be prayerful and open to the flow of these pages.

Chapter I

The Almighty

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A = The Almighty (Alpha and Omega)

The Almighty is the source of our lives, our sustenance, and our wisdom. Before we can raise a healthy child, we need to recognize our child as a blessing from God. This child is created by God as precious, special, and unique. This child is under our care and protection, but does not belong to us. Just as with the rest of God’s creation, we are simply caretakers, responsible to provide the soil in which he or she grows; thus, it is the soil on which we should focus: the richer the soil, the stronger the shoot.

The first essential element is a recognition and respect for God as our Center. Because each child is from the Spirit, each child yearns to be connected back to the spiritual; thus, we recommend as a first step, the dedication of each child to God. Secondly, we recommend the nurturing of each child with spiritual food, both on cognitive and affective levels. For my family, it meant the seeking of a blessing of each infant by our local pastor, ceremonial and prayerful dedication of each child back to God, and promising to try our best to keep each child connected to God.

Thus for our family, it meant the integration of our children into the larger spiritual family through formal baptism; vigilant parish attendance/participation with them in regular church school and Sabbath worship; as well as such special in-service youth ceremonial and educational events such as programs and pageants, social activities of overnight lock-ins, bowling, skating, camping, birthday and other children’s parties, movies, and more (all planned, chaperoned, and supervised by a plethora of adults). And most of all, it meant cultivating spirituality within our home so that it was clear that God was (and is) the center of everything on each day.

And because God is love and commanded us to love, we tried to cultivate our home as a happy and peaceful oasis with lots of positive energy. We wanted our home to be a safe haven from the abuses of the world where people often say and do mean things to each other. And yes, unfortunately, we recognized that our children dwelled in a world where even kids sometimes suffer degradation from their peers, teachers, and others. So when we stepped into our home, we made a symbolic transition from the harshness of the world by changing our clothing from day wear to something soft and loose-fitting, such as cotton or velour sweat suits in winter, or shorts and tees or simple, flowing dresses in summer. Also we assumed the practice of burning scented, hypoallergenic candles and relaxing in an orderly, harmonious environment where each person was respected.

It was a home with prepared meals, small chores for everyone, time for doing and checking homework and emptying the backpacks for that which the teacher may have sent home by way of notes and handouts. There was ample time for music practice on whatever instrument our child happened to be experimenting. There was time for karate practice and discussion of how one could improve one’s chosen sport of the season (our children attended small schools where they had their choice of seasonal sports—sometimes even playing two in a season). And yes, there was even limited time for some outside free play as well as quiet play inside, including television and telephone socializing/homework collaborations. And there were daily structured times for bathing and getting-it-together for the next day.

Expectation with assistance was the key with intentionality and presence on the part of us as parents. Life seems easy and orderly when the Almighty God is center. Therefore, a recognition that should begin on day 1 in the life of each child is that Almighty God is the head of our lives and the center of our homes.

Chapter II

Boundaries

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B = Boundaries (Guarded territory)

Long before he could walk or sit or scoot, our first infant son would wiggle himself out of his infant seat onto the floor, simply to lie helplessly. He was also our child who did everything earlier than expected—flipping over on day 3, pulling himself to a standing position before he could sit, and walking at nine months. And of course, like all caring parents, we took great pains to ensure his safety. Sometimes this meant running along with him to catch him before he fell. At other times, it meant constructing makeshift barriers to prevent physical harm. Instinctively, we did whatever it took to keep him safe while also allowing him to grow.

We did not know, at the time, that safety is ranked by some child experts as second in importance to food and water in raising psychologically healthy human beings. And what we found was that the need to be protected remains throughout a child’s life, regardless of age. While a toddler might need a gate as prevention from falling down the stairs, a middle school child might need a computer lock to prevent Internet communication with strangers, and an adolescent might need close parental involvement and supervision in learning to drive a car or in finding a job.

So while the specific nature of the child’s needs change, which requires parental rules to also change, there remains always the child’s need to be guarded and nurtured by the parents. This is not an easy task. Good parents must be ever vigilant for as a child’s independence grows, the boundaries widen (from the lap, to the crib, to the floor, to the yard, to the classroom, to the mall, and farther). Yet as parents, we continued to be responsible for establishing the appropriate territory, then monitoring activities within the designated territory (even if it means sitting in the car until the movie has ended or maybe even sitting in the back of the theater).

An older male student in one of my college classes complained that the reason that he was late repeatedly for class was because his seventh-grade son was supposed to babysit the younger sister, yet the son seldom returned home on time after school. It seems that once school ended each day, he (the son) just hung out with his friends for an indefinite amount of time. Several members of my class were as shocked as I was that a seventh grader determined his own structure—he had no set boundaries, at least not that he was willing to abide.

As class members probed further, the upset young father began spilling forth a list of complaints against his son; the class discovered this young father’s total powerlessness in ensuring his son’s school attendance, hygiene, or anything else. Of course, nothing is as simple as it seems on the surface.

You see, because of this father’s previous self-disclosures to me, I knew that his son was the product of unmarried parents, both of whom had a history of drug abuse. And I knew that his son had been raised primarily by the mother and that his