Relationships Mistakes To Avoid

By F. M. Mhlophe Frans, Sr

A good relationship is more than something we want—it’s something we need to be our happiest, healthiest, most productive selves. But at home or work, supportive, fulfilling relationships don’t come automatically. They take an investment in time and energy as well as social skills that can be learned. We need to know which relationship mistakes we ought to avoid. The majority of these mistakes can be avoided if the couple learn to communicate them to each other.
It has been proven that most of the relationship problems stem from poor communication. Successful long-term relationships involve on-going effort and compromise by both partners. Furthermore a couple should know that disagreements in a relationship are not only normal but, if constructively resolved, actually strengthen the relationship.
It is expected that each of us would relate with others by means of ideas about what we want based on family relationships, what we have seen in the media, and our own past relationship experiences. However, holding on to unrealistic expectations can cause a relationship to be unsatisfying and to eventually fail.
This book’s aim is to try to address problematic marital matters and to guide readers on how to avoid some of the common relationship mistakes.
Among other points to be learned in the book is that when it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option but a priority. Loyalty is everything. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely. Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Another vital element covered is to allow your relationship to be founded and secured under God’s grace. Allow God to work in your relationship and you will prosper. God loves you!

• Language: English
• Publisher: F. M. Mhlophe Frans, Sr
• Release date: Oct 25, 2016
• ISBN: 9781370306619

F. M. Mhlophe Frans, Sr

Frans Mhlophe is an Author, Founder & Director of Mega Speakers (Pty) Ltd and Authors, Accountant and senior Pastor of a local church in North West Province South Africa.

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Relationships Mistakes To Avoid

Relationships Mistakes To Avoid

F. M. Mhlophe

Copyright © 2016 F. M. Mhlophe

Published by F. M. Mhlophe Publishing at Smashwords

First edition 2016

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Printed and bound by Mega Digital Printers

Edited by Bronwen Bickerton for Reach Publishers

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

Website: www.reachpublishers.co.za

E-mail: [e-mail]

Contents

Introduction

Acknowledgements

Fear to commit

Listening to wrong advice

Attracting a wrong person

Courtship

Non-Disclosure

Cohabitation and premarital sex

Pregnancy trap

Hanging on the ex

Dealing with past memories

Trying to change your partner

Rich and independent

Church or family

Building walls instead of fences

Acknowledgements

First, I want to thank my family for having the patience with me during the time when I took yet another challenge which stole the time I could have spent with them. This gratitude is most especially for my beautiful and loving wife Xolelwa. She has surely taken the big part of that sacrifice. Not forgetting my beautiful daughters, Thando, Ubuhle, Sihle and Lihle. These cute ladies have been my pillar and give encouragement in their special way. I want to assure them they share credit in every goal I achieve.

Thanks to all my friends for sharing my happiness when starting this project and for their encouragement when it seemed too difficult to complete. Without their support, I would have probably given up. This book was not easy to write and articulate but I thank the Father of my Lord Jesus Christ who has sent me people to help me complete the project.

The main focus of this book is on relationships and it is not meant to be an exhaustive piece on the subject. Rather, as the title indicates, it is only an outline of some basic principles of relationships and the mistakes one should be aware of and try to avoid. Each chapter could itself be a book on its own. However, each chapter title is very important and has not only been well thought out but also put together with well-known and understandable Bible scripture references.

There is too much confusion in relationships these days and this book has been written to give some basic ideas of what should constitute, at least, proper godly relationships. The book has been written in such a way that it can accommodate all who are in and outside of relationships, and it offers tips and also reveals certain snares we must be aware of to avoid failing in relationships.

The book is outlined in a way to be easily used by young and adult Christian groups for discussions. Hopefully, adult Christians who love the Lord will make good use of this book.

So many people have helped me in bringing this book into shape. I cannot mention the names of all of them but I am very grateful to them all.

I hope you will find this book helpful and if, after reading this material you wish to write to me, please do not hesitate to do so. Enjoy the reading and may Jesus Christ give you wisdom and understanding as you go through this book.

My prayer for you:

Lord Jesus, please bless the reader of my book. My dear Lord, please help the reader to overcome every challenge in his/her life, especially those challenges which are designed by the enemy, the devil, to try to kill his/her relationship. I pray that you keep his/her relationship and sustain it to become a loving and a blessed one. In Jesus Christ’s name I pray. Amen.

Introduction

Everyone makes mistakes, right? This is what we have been taught to believe. Even though this is an honest and truthful thought, my take is that we must not fall into a habit of making mistakes. My reasons are simple: (1) Some mistakes are rectifiable but others are not; (2) there will always be a cost of rectifying mistakes; (3) if we cannot rectify our mistakes it means we have to live with the consequences of our mistakes. A good example is Esau who sold his birthright – the Bible says he tried to beg for a blessing from his father with tears but could not undo what he had done. (Hebrews 12:16-17)

I was prompted in my heart to write this book called ‘Relationships (mistakes to avoid)’ because I often hear people’s admissions, saying ‘it was just an honest mistake’. I am therefore trying to give solid practical advice on how the so-called mistakes can be avoided. My take is that it is possible to avoid mistakes – even simple honest mistakes. My problem with mistakes is that some mistakes do not just end as mistakes but as destiny diverters. For example, someone gets caught cheating on their spouse, or caught flirting, or caught shoplifting from a clothing store and then say it was a mistake. Without passing judgment, that may be called a mistake but it will affect that person’s and maybe also other people’s destinies. Such a wrongdoing may cost that person his/her marriage or freedom.

In my own opinion of wrongdoing, I think when people refer to some kinds of behaviours as mistakes, they are either consciously or unconsciously evading responsibility for their sin. I also believe there is a fundamental difference between a mistake and a sin. Many people assume they are synonymous. But I don’t think so!

What is a mistake and what is sin?

The term ‘mistake’ implies an error in judgment – something done unintentionally. For example, a legitimate mistake might be when you stamp on someone’s toe at a shopping mall, or drive the wrong way without noticing, or pour salt into a coffee, thinking it is sugar, or erroneously type a web address and end up on a porn site. These could all be legitimate mistakes. They happen because we get distracted or careless.

But a sin is more than a mistake. It is a deliberate choice to do something you know is wrong. Cheating is one of the clear examples.

I don’t want to dwell much on explaining what sins and mistakes are, because the main aim of this book is to try to guide us to avoid ‘mistakes’ in relationships. To guide us so when we make a mistake, we do not just walk away and wash our hands. We must always know there are consequences. After all we must take responsibility for our mistakes.

We cannot become people who run away instead of taking responsibility for our actions. We must strive to be an accountable and responsible generation. We will not build solid generations by ducking and diving. Never mess up and redeploy yourself to another city, village, company or church. Simply sort out your mess and then move on with life. Life demands that when you cause the problem, you must be responsible for coming up with the plan to resolve it, otherwise your mistakes will haunt you and destroy all your potential relationships.

Of course other people might have to be involved in cleaning up your mistake, but you cannot avoid being accountable. If you have messed up, you must take stock and start from today to do something with regards to the problem(s) you have caused. Come up with a plan of action! The plan must address the actions that need to occur, the people who need to take them, and the amount of time you think the actions will take. For example, if the mistake is in the working environment, the people involved most likely will be the boss, your co-workers, and any internal or external customers affected by the mistake. If the mistake is in the relationship or family environment, the people involved most likely will be your partner, children, parents, in-laws and so on.

Never try to cover up a mistake. Trying to cover up a wrongdoing is part of Adam’s nature and it never works. Adam and his wife messed up and tried to hide themselves from God (Genesis 3:8). Did they hide? Of course! Did they succeed? Most unlikely!

History has proven that trying to cover things up rarely works. For example in a working environment if and when your boss finds out, say, from someone else (worst of all from your boss’s boss), things will be even worse for you. So don’t cover up a mistake. The word of God encourages us to always try not to hide our sins. He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy (Proverbs 28:13). Covering up our mistakes is wrong and two wrongs do not make right. Covering sins is sin! It is sinful to try to cover up things that need to be exposed! The scripture says, Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. (Ephesians 5:11)

Here is my advice, when you have made a mistake you should never go to God with just a problem but also with a heart of repentance. Don’t just tell Jesus you are sorry but also turn away from what you have done! In a work environment, don’t go to your boss with just a problem but also have a plan or counter measure to rectify your mistake. Go with the plan you developed and show the boss that, to at least some degree, you’re in control.

The other thing you must do is try to be transparent. You must let those affected by your mistakes know what happened. We cannot go to God with a repentant heart but yet still try to hide the details of what happened. God knows what happened but it is our responsibility to explain in detail what happened.

The same is if it was in a working environment, you can spare the technical details for later discussion but you need to let those affected know what actually happened. You must focus on how the situation affects them; what limitations are in place, what functions are unavailable, and how long these limitations and lack of functions are expected to last. Most importantly, offer any ways to work around the situation the best way you can. Ask for their suggestions as well. If the mistake involves a system outage, perhaps some veteran technicians can remember what they did in the old days, before that system was in place. If you have to and can do so, think about calling retirees for their ideas.

The other thing you should not do is blame. If you are a Christian don’t blame the devil. The devil is indeed the enemy of Christians. He is not good. He is the accuser of the brethren. He is a liar and the father of all lies. Even so, when we stumble and fall, we must learn to take responsibility for our mistakes rather than try to find a scapegoat. If the devil is to be blamed, it means we have opened a door for him or somehow agreed to his terms. No devil can overcome us unless we agree or unless God allows him to be in momentary control.

My friend you’re no longer in Sunday School. Trying to blame the devil for every mistake you make in life simply makes you look childish. Same in the working environment; if you put blame on others for your mistakes it will make you look unprofessional and other people will have a negative opinion of you. Amazingly, taking responsibility and admitting your mistake can win you respect. Your co-workers might end up thinking, you know, even though X messed up, it took a lot of character to admit it. X is a real stand-up person, and someone who can be counted on.

Remember this – when a mistake is done it is done! One of the killers of progress is ‘failure to let go’. We often easily dwell in the past instead of the present and the future. We cannot be able to solve our mistakes if we keep moaning about what happened. After you realise you have made a mistake, rise up and start to plan how it can be solved. The Word of God encourages us to Forget the former things and not to dwell on the past. (Isaiah 43:18). Dwelling on the past is like learning the past instead of learning from it. We should learn from the past to prevent repeated mistakes. You must never confuse learning from the past with dwelling on the past. The latter involves endless self-recrimination and often self-pity, neither of which helps resolve the situation. Therefore whatever mistake you have made, let it be. What is done is done. You cannot keep dwelling on it if you want to succeed in the future.

Please understand me clearly. I don’t say you must not remember the past. I say you must not meditate on the past. Why? Those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it. And it will be as the scripture says, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly." (Proverbs 26:11). Maybe you’ve heard these or similar sayings. Their point is clear; we need to understand the mistake we made so we can avoid it in the future. If you fell you ought to know when, where and how you fell. If possible you must document the mistake, and the steps you are taking or have taken to resolve it. In doing so, you must be sure to cover the conditions that led to the fall. It is foolish to know where and how you fell and still return back to where you fell or keep doing the things that made you fall. If you know when, how and where you fell you will be considered wise if you take steps to correct it, and implement measures to prevent its recurrence. But if you fall the same way, same place, through the same things you know, you will be counted with fools.

Lastly I must emphasise that we cannot be naïve and keep accepting we are susceptible to mistakes. Okay of course we are, but we must work on our weaknesses because a mistake often does not cost us alone but other people as well. For example, when a member of a certain assembly makes a mistake it costs their assembly, the church as the body of Christ, and Jesus himself. That is exactly what God said when he rebuked David after killing Uriah for his wife.

God said through the prophet, Because of this deed you have given great occasion to the Lord’s enemies to blaspheme. (2 Samuel 12:14). Mistakes give a bad name and can easily destroy a reputation. But I love David’s attitude. This is how David behaved after this rebuke – He repented immediately. He was never tempted to run away from his costly mistake. He corrected his sin by legally marrying the woman. David is a good example of how we are to conduct ourselves as children of God. We must have a repentant heart. We must learn to accept rebuke and after it correct our mistakes. When we do things that way we will draw God’s restoration in our lives.

Learn some lessons from the mistakes you make. Check and ask yourself questions like, can I find any good thing, no matter how small, that resulted from this problem? You will only be able to do that if you change the way you look at the mistake. In life we learn in different ways. Can you take your mistake as one of your life lessons? If you do so, then you are positioning yourself correctly so you should grow and not commit the same mistake again in the future.

1

Fear To Commit

Commitment is the most important thing which makes any relationship work. Ironically when a male commits, a female submits.

I have met guys who hold a view that marriage is a good thing. But amazingly the same guys would try to