The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended

By Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky

What if it's not your fault that sex is bad in your marriage?

Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of 22,000 Christian women, The Great Sex Rescue unlocks the secrets to what makes some marriages red hot while others fizzle out. Generations of women have grown up with messages about sex that make them feel dirty, used, or invisible, while men have been sold such a cheapened version of sex, they don't know what they're missing. The Great Sex Rescue hopes to turn all of that around, developing a truly biblical view of sex where mutuality, intimacy, and passion reign.

The Great Sex Rescue pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--and the good teachings that leave others breathless. In the #metoo and #churchtoo era, not only is this book a long overdue corrective to church culture, it is poised to free thousands of couples from repressive and dissatisfying sex lives so that they can experience the kind of intimacy and wholeness God intended.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
• Release date: Mar 2, 2021
• ISBN: 9781493428809

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Sheila Wray Gregoire has become “the Christian sex lady” as she talks sex all day, all the time on her Bare Marriage podcast and BareMarriage.com blog, the largest single-blogger marriage blog on the internet. She's also an award-winning author of nine books and a sought-after speaker who loves encouraging couples to go beyond Christian pat answers to find real-life solutions. And she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.

Book preview

This book is a groundbreaking look into what true, sacred biblical sexuality is intended to be and the root causes and ideas that damage a couple’s intimacy in marriage. Going straight to Scripture, the authors dig deep into ideologies that draw couples away from God-designed intimacy, and they seek to construct a framework for sexuality that is truly rooted in Scripture and God’s beautiful design, elevating sexuality and marriage to the glory and sacredness it was intended to have. This is a must-read.

Rachael Denhollander, lawyer, victim advocate, and author of What Is a Girl Worth?

This book is so incredibly powerful! If you’ve ever read a Christian book on sex and marriage, you owe it to yourself to read this one. Armed with extensive survey data and equipped with compassion and common sense, the authors dismantle the devastating myths long promoted by Christian leaders that have caused untold damage to generations of Christian women. Equal parts distressing and liberating, this book is desperately needed in this moment.

Kristin Kobes Du Mez, author of Jesus and John Wayne

I cannot think of a more important book (outside of the Bible) that you must read. This book is the authentic gut punch that the evangelical community needs. This exposes our historic dismal handling of sexuality and gives us a clear path forward to sexual maturity, wholeness, and health. I already want to read it again and will surely be telling my network to purchase this vital guide. Thank you for such a seminal work!

Andrew J. Bauman, LMHC, cofounder and director of the Christian Counseling Center for Sexual Health and Trauma

"The Great Sex Rescue is exactly the type of book on sex I would want my college students reading. This next generation has been personally burned by bad Christian sex advice. Both women and men will benefit from The Great Sex Rescue, but I think young adults may benefit most."

Dr. Heather Thompson Day, author of Confessions of a Christian Wife and professor of communications at Colorado Christian University

This book should be required reading for all married Christians. Growing up in the evangelical Christian world taught me very little about what a healthy sexual dynamic should look like other than ‘Don’t do it until you’re married. Then do it all the time!’ It’s time we deconstruct the destructive and harmful teachings that have gone unchallenged for so long and embrace a truly cross-centric view of sexuality, and for that I can think of no better resource than this book.

Travis Albritton, The Practical Christian Podcast

With Sheila’s years of experience and passionate heart for marriages and individuals struggling with sexual disconnection, her current research provides new insights that speak truthfully and directly to how the world of Christianity has not always provided the support or adequately addressed the hurts of those needing biblical love and direction. I applaud her and her team for their compassion, for their sound research, and for becoming a voice for women who are confused and hurting by what God never meant to be distorted—his design for beautiful and loving sexuality without shame or guilt.

Sheri Mueller, MA, LCPC, Growthtrac Ministries

© 2021 by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky

Published by Baker Books

a division of Baker Publishing Group

PO Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516–6287

www.bakerbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2021

Ebook corrections 04.13.2021

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4934-2880-9

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.™

Scripture quotations labeled AMP are from the Amplified® Bible (AMP), copyright © 2015 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.Lockman.org

Scripture quotations labeled KJV are from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture quotations labeled NKJV are from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations labeled NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2007, 2013, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

This publication is intended to provide helpful and informative material on the subjects addressed. It is not intended to replace the advice of trained health care professionals.

Some names and details have been changed or presented in composite form in order to protect the privacy of the individuals involved.

Dedication

From Joanna and Rebecca:

To our children. May you know how valued and precious you are to Christ and to us, and may you grow up free of the lies that have entangled so many.

From Sheila:

To The Act of Marriage’s Aunt Matilda, and all the women like her. We see you. We hear you. And we are so, so sorry.

Contents

Cover    1

Endorsements    2

Title Page    3

Copyright Page    4

Dedication    5

1. What Happened to Sex?    9

2. Don’t Sleep with Someone You Don’t Know    20

3. Bridging the Orgasm Gap    39

4. Let Me Hear Your Body Talk    61

5. Do You Only Have Eyes for Me?    78

6. Your Spouse Is Not Your Methadone    100

7. I Want You to Want Me    121

8. Becoming More than Roommates    139

9. Duty Sex Isn’t Sexy    158

10. When Duty Becomes Coercion    179

11. Just Be Nice    200

12. From Having Intercourse to Making Love    217

13. Where Do We Go from Here?    228

Appendix: The Books We Studied for This Project    243

Acknowledgments    249

Notes    253

Back Ads    269

Back Cover    272

CHAPTER 1

What Happened to Sex?

Sex is a gift from God.

How often have we heard that? It sounds kind of like something your parents would say right after they’ve scarred you by telling you where babies come from.

Or it sounds like something you’re told in premarital counseling, right before your red-faced counselor quickly turns the pages and says, Now, let’s talk about who wants to do the vacuuming.

It’s something that your pastor says from the pulpit when he can’t talk about sex too explicitly, but he really, really, really wants everyone to know how great it is. And you’re trying hard not to look his wife in the face while he says it.

But for some of us who have been married for a while, the idea of sex as a gift seems more like that awful Christmas sweater your grandma knit for you in sixth grade that you had to wear for a week even though everybody knew it was lame.

Sure, it’s a gift. But you really would have preferred an Xbox.

Then there are those of you who know it’s a gift. You know sex is amazing. But it feels more like a gift that you got to open, only to be told to wrap it back up and put it on a shelf to keep it safe. It sits up there, still in sight but unused.

Your sex life is up on a shelf.

It’s a gift you’re not allowed to enjoy because your spouse doesn’t see it as a gift. So it’s out of reach, gathering dust, taunting you.

We, the authors of this book, want to tell you up front that we get it.

All of us—Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna—work on Sheila’s sex and marriage blog, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum. Rebecca (Sheila’s daughter) likes to quip, It’s the weirdest job you can possibly do with your mom. When Joanna, an epidemiologist trained in statistics, moved to town, we roped her in too. None of the three of us expected to be talking about sex, orgasms, and erections professionally, but here we are.

We know that Christians, as a whole, do tend to have better sex and happier marriages than people who are not religious.1 But here’s the thing: just because something is better for the group does not mean you as an individual think it’s anything to write home about (if you were the type to write home about your sex life). We get daily messages from husbands and wives who are desperate because it’s just not working: he can’t figure out how to make sex feel good for her, she’s devastated by his hidden porn use, or they’re both at the end of their rope as they fight for the forty-seventh time about libido differences. Many Christians simply aren’t experiencing amazing, mind-blowing, earth-shattering, great sex.

We want to change that.

I (Sheila) am married to a pediatrician, and one thing the medical world emphasizes is the importance of evidence-based treatments. Before my husband, Keith, puts a child on a new regimen to manage asthma, he wants to know that there have been solid studies that show that this new regimen works.

We’ve got a lot of treatments for sex in the church. There are books, radio broadcasts, blogs, articles, and sermons galore giving advice to couples struggling with unsatisfying sex lives. But have we, as the church, taken the time to ask if any of our treatments even work?

We heard the same questions for years on end from blog readers, so we decided to investigate the sex advice offered in bestselling Christian sex and marriage books. And when we read them, alarm bells went off. We began to wonder, What if our evangelical treatments for sex issues make things worse?

We realized that giving healthy information is not enough if people are also consistently consuming bad advice from the wider Christian culture. But we didn’t want to simply put forth a new set of opinions—we wanted data. We wanted an evidence-based treatment. So we surveyed over twenty thousand women in what we called The Bare Marriage Project, asking about their sex lives, their marriages, their beliefs about sex and marriage, their upbringing, and more.2 (Seriously, it was a looooong survey. Almost half an hour long. Over 130 questions, minimum. We are eternally grateful to the women who filled it out!) We wanted to get to the bottom of what makes sex great—but also what can make it bad. We wanted to ask the question that the Christian world has failed to ask for decades: Does our evangelical advice actually work?3

We uncovered some interesting answers we’re excited to share with you. We want to rescue couples from teachings that have wrecked sex and put you back on the road to great sex—because that’s what you should be having!

But wait—if this book is aimed at helping couples reclaim amazing, mind-blowing, toe-curling sex, then why did we survey only women?

Men certainly do matter (and we’d love to do a survey of men in the future), but we decided to start with women because of what we call the orgasm gap. Studies have found that 95% of men orgasm every or almost every time they have sex (unless they suffer from erectile dysfunction or other sexual dysfunction disorders).4 Achieving orgasm is easy for the vast majority of men. In fact, a man’s orgasm is such a given that if it doesn’t happen, you should likely see a doctor about it.

In contrast, our survey found that only 48% of women orgasm every or almost every time they have sex. That’s quite a gap! In general, women are the ones being left disappointed by sex because, frankly, it’s not always that great for them. And that, in turn, leaves many men who want to rock their wives’ worlds disappointed too. If we could figure out what’s holding women back, we could likely make sex a whole lot better for everybody. That would be something to celebrate!

What’s the Definition of Sex?

Before we get into this, though, we believe that the root of many of our sexual problems in marriage is actually a definitional one. We don’t know what sex means.

If we were to ask you, Did you have sex last night? what would you think (besides that we are super creepy busybodies)? You’d probably think we meant, Did the husband thrust his penis in his wife’s vagina until he climaxed? That’s the main definition of sex—a husband penetrates his wife until he orgasms.

Let’s do a thought experiment. Insert that definition of sex into the Bible verse about sex that we found to be the most quoted, and it’s easy to see how sexual advice can go so far off-kilter.

Do not deprive each other [of a husband penetrating his wife until he climaxes] except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. (1 Cor. 7:5)

If this is the way many of us internalize this message about sex, then many women can begin to feel that they have to invite their husbands, even welcome their husbands, to have very, very one-sided sex. If sex is only about a man moving around until he climaxes, then her experience and her pleasure are more of an afterthought—a bonus, for sure, but not necessary.

But that definition of sex also makes it into something that is only physical—he reaches climax. If we think that’s what the Bible is talking about by one-flesh marriage and all the do not deprive talk we hear, then we may start to think that what God really cares about most is that husbands ejaculate frequently enough. Yet this has very little resemblance to the idea of intimacy that is implied in the Hebrew used in the Old Testament for sex, which we’ll talk about in the next chapter.

Each of you were created for sex that is about so much more than just one-sided pleasure. Great sex is the fulfillment of a longing for intimacy, for connection, to be completely and utterly bare in every way before each other. Yes, baring ourselves physically is necessary for sex (though sometimes socks can help on those cold nights), but that’s not the only kind of baring that real sex involves. It’s also a baring of our souls, a deep hunger for connection, a longing to be completely consumed by the other—while also bringing intense pleasure to both of you.

In this book, then, we’d like to use correct terms for sex. When we mean a one-sided sexual encounter that’s focused on his climax, we’re going to say intercourse. When we mean healthy, mutual sex, which encompasses so much more than simply his penis in her vagina, we’re going to say sex or even making love. Perhaps seeing the dichotomy will help us get that better picture of real intimacy in our minds.

Church, it’s time for a change. We want to call Christians back to first principles about sex the way God intended. Here’s what we propose, based on our survey results and biblical principles, that a healthy sex life should look like:

Sex should be personal: It is a chance to enter into each other’s very being to truly become one; it is a knowing of each other that leads to deep intimacy.

Sex should be pleasurable: Sex was designed to feel good—really good—for both people.

Sex should be pure: Both partners can expect the other to take responsibility to keep themselves free of sexual sin.

Sex should be prioritized: Both partners in the relationship desire sex, even if at different levels, and both partners understand that sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage.

Sex should be pressure-free: Sex is a gift freely given; it’s not about getting what you want through manipulation, coercion, or threat.

Sex should put the other first: Sex is about considering your spouse’s wants and needs before you consider your own.

Sex should be passionate: Sex was designed to allow us to enter into a state of joyful abandon, to completely surrender ourselves to the other in an ecstasy of trust and love.

If we agree with those principles, are the teachings and messages we hear supporting them? Or are they creating an image of sex that is diametrically opposed to the sacrificial, mutually pleasurable, all-encompassing passion that God created sex to be? That’s what we’re going to explore together.

The Four Kinds of Research You’ll Find in This Book

Our research went beyond the twenty-thousand-woman survey. To develop and craft our survey, we reviewed current academic research investigating evangelicalism and sexuality, and you’ll see many of those studies cited. We also conducted focus groups and interviews to further understand our survey results and to show the people behind the statistics.

Finally, we read and reviewed bestselling Christian sex and marriage books, along with other foundational niche books that influence how women in the church see sex.5 Books both reflect and influence what is believed in their culture. These books in particular have largely shaped how evangelical culture has talked about sex for the last few decades. We’re going to quote liberally from them. Please know, though, that we’re critiquing the teachings, not the authors. We believe these authors meant well at the time they wrote the books, and many of these books were improvements on what was already out there.6

What if I like one of the books or authors you discuss?

Many of the evangelical books we’ll mention in The Great Sex Rescue contained messages that we found caused harm. But what if you feel like you benefited from any of the books found to be harmful?

That’s great! These books do contain helpful information—that’s why they are bestsellers! If they helped you, we’re happy for you. But among the helpful bits, these books also contain teachings that we have statistically shown harm marriages and lead to worse sex for women, with some books posing higher risk than others. Our aim is to make it no longer acceptable for our Christian resources to only hurt some people. We should—and can—write books that help without also causing harm. Many books have succeeded in this, and we will point you to them in the appendix of this book.

However, we have also found in our data that many of these books may have inadvertently caused some of the problems they were trying so hard to fix. It’s important as a culture that we confront the damage we have done—even if by accident—so we can walk forward toward the abundant life Jesus wants for us.

The beliefs that we will be addressing throughout this book, that impacted women’s marital and sexual satisfaction, can be seen in figure 1.1.* You’ll be seeing references to these beliefs, and how they affected both sexual and marital satisfaction, throughout this book.

fig016

How to Use The Great Sex Rescue

Maybe you’ve been married for ten years and you still don’t know what an orgasm feels like. You know there’s more—but how do you get there?

Maybe you’re tired of feeling rejected and unloved by your wife. Even your most romantic gestures are followed by what you know is just duty sex. You know you could have a fun and vibrant marriage—you just need to break through that wall.

Maybe you’re angry, having found porn on your husband’s phone again. You’re sick and tired of feeling second place, and at this point, sex just turns you off. You know sex is supposed to be beautiful, and that’s what you’ve always longed for. But how do you redeem something that has been so tainted?

Whether you’re confused, disappointed, frustrated, or hurt, we want to help you discover what’s holding back your sex life. We’re so excited to share the information we have learned, but knowledge can only take you so far. That’s why throughout the book you’ll see check-ins, applications, and reframing exercises to help bring the message home.

Ideally, we would love it if couples read this book together. When you come to check-ins, think about the questions yourself and then share with each other. And have fun with our Explore Together exercises at the end of each chapter! If you’re reading this alone, journal and pray through the questions and talk to your spouse about what the questions bring up. If your spouse isn’t willing to read with you, you can still have these important conversations to share your experience and understand theirs better.

We also hope ministry leaders will pick up this book to learn how to talk about sex in a healthy way. At the end of each chapter, we’ll have a Rescuing and Reframing section, which will present a better way to talk about these sensitive issues without inadvertently causing harm.

A Note for Sexual Abuse Survivors

Sexual abuse of any kind can have profound effects on your experience of sex in your marriage. We wrote this book hoping it will be a helpful resource to act as a companion to trauma treatments with a licensed counselor or psychologist, and it is not intended to replace evidence-based treatments.

As well, we know that more men are victims of sexual abuse than most people assume. So please, whether you are a man or a woman, if you have experienced any form of sexual abuse, contact a licensed mental health professional, preferably one who has experience or additional training in trauma and abuse issues.

Let’s allow the harmful teachings about sex to fall away. Let’s replace teachings that try to bribe, coerce, or manipulate people with ones focused on freedom, passion, and, most importantly, love. That’s how we’re going to rescue great sex.

So let’s throw off the ropes, cut ourselves free from the moorings, and see where we end up.

*  For more information on the figures and tables including exact wording of questions asked, see https://greatsexrescue.com/results.

CHAPTER 2

Don’t Sleep with Someone You Don’t Know

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain.

Genesis 4:1 KJV

One Sunday, when I (Sheila) was in junior high, I was sitting in the wooden pews at church flanked by my preteen friends. That day, the pastor opened his Bible to Genesis 4:1 and read from the King James Version:

And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.

We giggled so much that the pews started shaking, and my mom gave me the look. But that was hilarious—Adam knew his wife! It was like God was embarrassed to use the real word or something.

As I’ve been blogging and writing

Reviews for The Great Sex Rescue

[Ryan · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

Really good ! A really practical and inspired work. Thank you ladies.

[Annelise Roberts · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

This was a difficult read, but incredibly helpful. It is both freeing and infuriating to learn that the messages I was indoctrinated with in my early years are patently unbiblical and extremely unhelpful. The authors have done a great job of centering the importance of sex in marriage in a way that honors God and the image of God in BOTH people. I’m married to one of the good men and it’s been a helpful resource for me to finally be able to pinpoint why I have underlying messages that I attach to what he says and why it’s hard to believe truth.
Highly recommend for anyone married or about to be married. Invaluable.

[Lydia Riggs · Rating: 5 out of 5 stars]

I absolutely loved this book. It was a difficult read as it made me look back on my own experiences growing up in purity culture with a lot of these harmful messages and confront those things, but confronting those things was good! I'm so glad someone put this together, and with so much attention to detail! I now have a daughter who is going through puberty and I so desperately want to keep her from the same harmful messages I was told growing up, but purity culture is all I've ever known so I've been looking for resources to help me reframe the beliefs I grew up with. This book really empowered me to stand firm on the criticisms I have towards purity culture. I knew that the messages I grew up with were harmful, but I really really needed some confirmation. My one negative thing to say about this book was a small piece that indicated that waiting for marriage to have sex protected people from single parenthood and/or STDs. I have faith that the authors didn't mean to imply that married people can't get STDs and that unmarried people are incapable of practicing safe sex, but that's definitely what was implied. On that same note, I would like to believe that the authors are absolutely aware that married people can find themselves being single parents for any number of reasons ranging from death to divorce etc, but again, the implication was there. Those two things really did rub me the wrong way and I hope that these things are addressed in future publications, blog/social media posts, or by whatever other means. I completely understand wanting to encourage people to wait for marriage, I just don't think that was the appropriate way to do it.