Understanding the structure of your brain helps you and your partner to understand what happens when you are in a state of high emotional expression, e.g. when angry or feeling under attack. We briefly discuss the three main regions of the brain: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex by using Daniel Siegel's highly visual hand model of the brain. When we feel threatened we react - that's the way our brain works. Being reactive and mobilising for fight, flight or freeze responses means we are in survival mode. In this mode we are reactive rather than receptive to our partner. In order to be open to others we need to be able to employ the thinking part of our brain, the cortex which enables us to reflect, think and connect with others. We discuss how to be able to switch from a highly reactive survival response to having the capacity again for social engagement: listening, understanding why we responded the way we did and being able to generate understanding for the other person.Our brain had three main areas: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex (sometimes also called neocortex). In order of visualise these three areas Daniel Siegel suggested using our hand as a model. Put your thumb in the middle of your palm and close your four fingers over your thumb. The front of your knuckles would represent the front of your face; the wrist represents your spinal cord. Lift your fingers and move your thumb away from the palm of your hand you can see your inner brainstem. When you put your thumb back and curl your fingers over it, it means that your cortex is in place and working. Most of the time when you are arguing with your partner you do so because you want to be connected, to be really understood and listened to. In order to be able to talk to each other effectively, i.e. to listen to the other and to be listened to, both partners need to be in a receptive rather than a reactive state.The bit about the human brainWhen our nervous system goes into a reactive mode our fight/flight/freeze responses get activated which make it neurologically impossible for us to be able to positively connect with another person. The parts of the brain that get activated in this state are older in evolutionary terms, the brain stem and limbic system. The old brain is hardwired for automatic reactions that don’t require thinking therefore allowing us to react very quickly when we perceive to be in danger. The sensory data from our brain gets the body into motion; it requires us to run, to fight back or to play dead depending on what seems to be the best strategy for survival at the time. We share this part of our anatomy, the “reptilian brain” (brain stem) and the “old mammalian brain” (limbic system) with all other mammals and reptiles. The new part of the brain, also called the “new mammalian brain” developed later in evolutionary terms with the appearance of primates, the cerebral cortex. In particular the frontal part of the cortex allows us to assess a situation cognitively and to moderate some of our instinctual reactions in our old brain. Our prefrontal cortex is what distinguishes humans from the rest of the animal world. The prefrontal cortex does not only enable us to think, analyse and evaluate it also allows to reflect, i.e. to have an awareness of our thoughts and feeling states.Reactive mode: Fight/flight/freezeWhile we are consciously aware to some extent of the workings of your cerebral cortex, most of the functioning of our old brain happens on an unconscious level. Our reptilian brain evaluates external stimuli in terms of whether we need to run away from someone, have sex with them, look after them, submit to them, attack them or whether we are able to be nurtured by them. These assessments are made within milliseconds.