Time for Amusement

By Alec Hall

This book is a collection of jokes, quizzes etc. which the Friendship Club expected every week. I’m afraid the origin of these has been lost in history.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: May 4, 2021
• ISBN: 9781665588775

Alec Hall

Alec’s working life has been mainly in Retail Banking then teaching bankers in a College and finally becoming Deputy Head of Business and Management for about nine years. He is now 89 years old and has led an Over 60s Friendship Club for nearly 25 years for the Salvation Army. He has been married to Diane for 24 years and they have six children between them and loads of grandchildren and one great grandchild who are all lovely.

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2021 Alec Hall. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 04/26/2021

ISBN: 978-1-6655-8876-8 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6655-8877-5 (e)

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Contents

Jokes & Riddles

Short Stories and Information

Proverbs

Answers

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How is cat food sold? Purr can.

On what should you put the statue of your cat? On a caterpillar!

A cat swallowed a ball of wool. She had mittens..

Two cows were standing in a field. One turned to the other and said, ‘Moo’. The other cow said, ‘I was going to say that.’

A man is standing in a field where there is a bull. He sees the farmer and asks if the bull is safe. ‘Sure,’ said the farmer, ‘but I don’t think you are.’

Why are elephants so wrinkly? Have you ever tried to iron one?

What did the elephant say when the crocodile bit off his trunk? ‘I thsuppose you fink that’s fuddy.

Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything.

How do you know when an elephant is under your bed? Because your nose touches the ceiling.

A lover of music tragically lost both ears. The only solution was a transplant of two pigs ears. After an apparently successful operation, the patient was asked how he was. ‘Fine,’ he said, ‘except for the crackling.’

A man in a department store saw a notice ‘Dogs must be carried on the escalator.’ He spent the next couple of hours looking for a dog.

A motorist knocked on a lady’s front door. ‘I’m very sorry. I believe I have run over your cat. Can I replace it?’ The lady answered, ‘Well, it all depends. What are you like at catching mice?’

What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.

How do you stop elephants from charging? Take away their credit cards.

A hunter was walking through the jungle when he came upon a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant with a pigmy standing on top of it with a big stick in his hand. ‘Good gracious,’ said the hunter, ‘have you just killed that elephant?’ ‘Yes,’ said the pigmy, ‘I did it with my club.’ ‘Wow,’ said the hunter, ‘your club doesn’t look very big.’ ‘Oh, it is,’ said the pigmy, ‘it’s a Friendship Club, there are 50 of us.’

In Florida, they use alligators to make shoes. It’s amazing what they get alligators to do these days.

After the flood, Noah told the animals to go and multiply. Two snakes hesitated. ‘We can’t, we’re adders.’

Following the arrival of the ark on Mount Ararat, the animals debarked, 2 elephants, 2 lions, 2 tigers, 4 gnus....People watching couldn’t understand, why 4 gnus? Noah explained, ‘Well, you see, there’s good gnus and bad gnus.’

A baby chick was crying. ‘I want my mummy, I want my mummy...’ An old rooster told him. ‘Stop crying. You haven’t got a mummy, it was a lamp.’ (Oh dear)

There were some pigeons who wanted to buy a house. They had a little money so they put down a deposit.

Then there was the chap whose job was throwing fish to the pelicans. Not a great job, but it filled the bill.

Mummy and daddy owls were worried about their little Ronnie. ‘He doesn’t seem to give a hoot anymore.’

A man with a newt on his shoulder walked into a café.

‘What do you call him,’ asked the waitress.

‘Tiny,’ he replied. ‘Why?’ she asked.

‘Because, he’s my newt.’

A puppy called May loved to tease and pick quarrels with animals who were much bigger than her. One day, she teased a lion. What was the date? June 1st. it was the end of May!

Pupils at an inner city school were asked about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11 year old said, ‘When my mother opened a can of sardines last night, it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.’

Elephants are found in Africa, although they are so big they rarely get lost.

Why do Eskimos eat whale meat and blubber? You’d blubber too if you had to eat whale meat.

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck? A duck filled fatty puss.

What do you call a small cat that has joined the St. John’s Ambulance Brigade? A first aid kit.

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a tortoise. Regaining consciousness, he was asked what happened. ‘I can’t really remember. It all happened so fast.’

Two goldfish in a tank. One said to the other, ‘How do you drive this thing?’

Have you seen the dog bowl? No, but he’s pretty good at chasing a ball.

It wasn’t the apple on the tree that ruined everything, it was the pair on the ground.

Adam and Eve were the first bookkeepers. They invented the loose-leaf system.

What did Adam do when he wanted some sugar? He raised Cain.

Two nuns were out in a car when they ran out of petrol. The only container they had in the car was a chamber pot. A farmer nearby filled the pot with petrol. They returned to the car and carefully poured in the petrol. A driver passed the two. ‘Wow,’ he declared, ‘what faith.’

An artist specialized in painting hurricanes and violent storms at sea. A visitor, studying the scene of one such painting said, ‘It’s a shame you always have such bad weather.’

A lawyer and his Czech friend went into the countryside to pick berries. They were jumped on by two bears, a male and a female. The male swallowed the Czech friend. Fortunately a passing Sheriff shot the female. The lawyer asked the Sheriff if he would believe a lawyer who said, ‘The Czech is in the male.’

A young Austrian man had inherited a grandfather clock but the clock would only go tick, tick, tick....It was suggested that he took the clock to Germany where they have ways of making things tock.

A young shirt maker, Jim, had loads of debt and was visited regularly by a debt collector. But Jim was always out. His wife would say, ‘Jim has gone for cotton.’ This went on for days until Jim’s wife said, ‘Jim has died.’ The debt collector would not believe this and asked to see the tombstone. There he found the stone on which was written: Jim has gone, but not for cotton.

To improve his virility, an older man went to Europe and had an implant of monkey glands. His wife eventually became pregnant and then went into labour. ‘Congratulations,’ came the message. ‘You’re the father of a fine baby.’ He replied, ‘Is it a boy or a girl?’ ‘We don’t know yet. It wont climb down from the chandelier.’

One of the tricks of being a happy parent is to fall asleep when the baby isn’t looking.

What I cannot understand is why people with kids and people without kids feel sorry for the others.

Three vicars were discussing the problem of bats in their different church lofts. The first said, ‘I bought a dozen cats but without success.’ The second said, ‘I had the place fumigated but without success.’ The third said, ‘I baptised all mine, made them members and haven’t seen them since.’

A young boy, Johnny, was late for school. ‘Why are you late?’ asked the teacher. ‘Sorry Miss. I had to get my own breakfast this morning.’ ‘O.K. Johnny, ‘take your seat. This morning we are studying Geography. Here is a map of the British Isles. Can anyone tell me where the Scottish Border is?’ ‘Yes Miss. He’s in bed with my mother. That’s why I had to get my own breakfast.’

A customer was continually bothering a waiter in a restaurant. First he wanted the air conditioning to be turned up because he was cold, then it got too hot and he asked for the air conditioning to be turned down and so on. The waiter remained calm and cool. A second customer asked the waiter how he put