LMAO Joke Book

By K. J. Ester

I have scoured the internet, read books, and delved into the deepest recesses of my mind, to find the best jokes. After reading thousands of jokes, I have collected only the best. Only the jokes that were actually worth laughing at. Then I sieved through them and scraped together only the clean jokes, and this is the collection I came up with.

You will be hard pressed to find a Joke Book filled with clean jokes that are as funny as LMAO Joke Book!

• Language: English
• Publisher: K. J. Ester
• Release date: Dec 13, 2012
• ISBN: 9781301950539

K. J. Ester

K.J.Ester resides in Rochester Hills Michigan with his wife, two cats and his dog. His other greatest passions are writing, the Detroit Lions, God and his Granddaughter, who in his words is the sunshine in his dark world. He claims he has never suffered from writers block and never will, for he has more trouble shutting his imagination down long enough to get a decent night's sleep than he has starting it up again.

Book preview

LMAO JOKE BOOK

A Collection of the 150 Funniest Clean Jokes

K.J.Ester

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2012

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Table of Contents

ANIMALS

BLONDES

DEATH

DRINKING

FARTS

OUTDOORS

LISTS

MARRIAGE

OLD AGE

RELIGION

SCHOOL

SHORT

SPORTS

WILD WEST

WISHES

WITTY

BONUS

FOREWORD

LMAO Joke Book is a collection of the very best clean jokes I could find. After scouring the internet, reading books, and delving into the deepest recesses of my mind (and that is a dangerous place), I have read thousands of jokes, and these were the very best of the best. The very funniest jokes, that I would not be ashamed to tell my Mother!

PREVIEW JOKE

Three racehorses are in their stalls, just chatting it up. The first horse says, You know, in my last ten races, I have won five of them.

The second racehorse then speaks up and says, That’s pretty good, but in my last fifteen races, I have won ten of them.

The third racehorse finally speaks up and says, That is really good. Did you know that in my last twenty races, I have won fifteen of them?

All the while, off in the corner of the stables is a Greyhound dog, just relaxing and listening to them. So he pipes up and says, All of you are really good. You really are. But of my last twenty-five races, I have won all twenty-five of them.

All three horses just stand their with their mouths open in utter shock at what they just heard. Finally, after a long moment of silence, the first horse gives himself a shake and says, Oh my God! A talking dog!

ANIMALS

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and that he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back, and again, he is stopped by the same police officer, who says, Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.

The man replies I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies.

***

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 yards in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.

I don't need to outrun the bear, the first guy says. I just need to outrun you.

***

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it was possible.

***

A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked strangely at the dog, and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the policeman said, Watch this. He gave Sniffer the command to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The policeman said, Good boy, and he turned to the man and said, That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

WOW, that's pretty good, replied the first man.

Once again, the policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and this time placed two paws on the policeman's arm. The policeman said, Two paws means that the man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.

I'm impressed! said the man.

The policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down a moment, and then came running back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave that way. So he asked the policeman, What's going on?!?

The policeman nervously replied, He's just found a bomb!

***

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge. So, he hits it with a big rock, and then he begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty, says the judge. But I have to ask, —what did the eagle taste like?

Well, your honor, the hiker says, if I had to describe it, I’d say it tasted something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.

***

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with