Belligerent Man & Other Absurd Stories

By Frank E. Slaughter

Frank E. Slaughter's debut collection of irreverently absurd stories. Featuring Belligerent Man, a satirical morality story. Punctuated by other non-linear narratives, radio plays, poetry, essays, and tall tales that are packed full of dry humor.

 

A free-wheeling romp through a literary jungle, blending the sacred with the profane, balancing serendipity and fate to create an unforgettable experience. Enter this deliciously disjointed world of vignettes and wild tangents—of important appointed titles, gate keepers, horses that can see the future, and pecking orders within the kingdom of man.

 

This book is candy for the brain, a small snack for in between meals and you're advised to be cautious because it just might spoil your appetite.

• Language: English
• Publisher: 84 North Publishing
• Release date: Apr 1, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215238738

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Fiction is boring, it is so boring that most people will not read.

The average person is funny like that, they refuse to read for work, they refuse to read for education, for pleasure. They will not read even if you place a revolver to their heads and give them the greatest book ever written demanding they read it... or else.

Well either way, revolver or not, I didn't want to write the greatest book ever written. No, I want my book to bring amusement to the survivors of the future nuclear apocalypse as they use its haggard pages for kindling.

The writings contained within are non-linear,  so bizarre and off-kilter that you'll either love it or you'll hate it.

Don't shoot the messenger when I tell you it might not be your cup of tea; there is no literary justification behind any of these works except in its earnestness to entertain, to shock, and to provide a sensible about of bemusement in this chaotic life. Enjoy!

Frank E. Slaughter

BELLIGERENT MAN

A man fell down in a hole and cannot get up. Some how he finds a way to stay alive for years.

Eventually someone throws him a length of rope into the hole to help the man escape, to which he gets offended, You up there, how DARE you condescend ME!? he yells his question in protest.

The person, annoyed, pulls up their rope and moves on.

Several years later a woman goes down to the hole with her camera, hoping to record a story for television about this man who has been stuck in the ground for so many years. The man spits in her face and tells her she doesn't get the struggles of real Americans.

The woman annoyed, ascends the pit and moves on.

Then one day someone comes by and says, Hey, I hear you need help getting out of that pit?

Yeah, he replies, but why would YOU care? I do it my way, alone!

I'm your brother.

So what?!

Look, if you don't want me to help you, then stay down there! No problem. You're going nowhere anyway...

What are you talking about!? That's YOUR problem not mine!

The man's brother left, his family missing him at Thanksgiving.

Finally a horse makes its way to the hole and starts defecating into it. The man in the hole says, finally someone who makes sense!

The man climbs onto the back of the horse and is transported to a nearby town where the police arrest him.

They place him in jail and later they go see his lawyer.

The police tell the man he could have just taken the rope and used it as a ladder and climbed out on his own. The man looks the policeman square in the eye and says, No thanks. That was your job.

Moral of the story: Not every time you fall, get up again. Sometimes you need to be helped. Also never trust a horse.

The police outside the interrogation room were discussing the case.

I don't know sarge, his whole story stinks like horse shit!

The sergeant, annoyed, asked the prisoner, Why didn't you just take the rope, son? This whole rescue operation cost us a lot of money and manpower.

The man replied Typical, blame the little guy for your bureaucratic ways.

The police agreed to press charges. The man stood before the judge.

Your Honor, he began, the state has failed me, I need my freedom! Look at this court system! These procedures don't work.

Sir, I suggest you sit down and let your lawyer speak for you. the judge said.

Oh, so now I'm an idiot? How dare you insult a hard working American like myself? the man said.

Well sir, this isn't a debate club. If you can't argue sensibly, I'll lock you in a cell until you learn.

Who do you think I am a liberal pansy? I respect the law! the man said as he spit on the courtroom floor as if spitoons were still common.

GUILTY! the judge said.

Before the man or his lawyer could speak again the judge continued, Court is adjourned! Thank you! the judge announced as he went out the door.

He slammed it behind him with such force it shook the entire building.

The man's attorney looked at him and told him, We've lost. You're going away for years.

Because you're an incompetent lawyer the man said as he spit on the attorney.

The next day the man's brother goes to visit him in jail.

You gotta get outta here, brother! he says.

Why? asks the brother, puzzled.

The man replies You are getting off cheap! I spent my life down there doing nothing but shoveling crap. And then some lazy fool comes along and throws a rope down there and it takes all my energy not to kick his rear into two with my steel toe boot!

Fine by me. I'll leave. said his brother. Disappointed his brother had to be so crass on Christmas Eve.

That night, while sleeping, the prisoner awoke. He was cold and his back ached. He saw Santa on the prison rooftops surely there to bring toys to all the good girls and boys.

Ho, ho, ho! Santa shouted.

Hey, there's no way you're getting down here! the prisoner yelled.

What are you talking about? You don't want presents? Santa asked