Glorified struggle love

By Venesia

In Glorified Struggle Love, Venesia Makofane provides five valuable keys to educate people, especially women, about struggle love. It empowers them with the skill to recognise and run away from its claws before they are deeply captured. 

No one should encourage relationships that cause consistent pain and long-term stress. Humanity has true love, filled with mutual respect, love, understanding, shared effort, communication and the spirit of give and take. 

However, when it comes to struggle love, it can initially be represented as the romantic love story. Glorified Struggle Love will educate readers into recognising their deal breakers, identify their consistent patterns and thus to walk away. It is in the darkness when there is gratitude for the patience and perseverance; for staying through the hardships including financial, emotional, physical and verbal abuse. 

It includes multiple break ups, constant fighting, push and pulls, cheating, gas-lighting and manipulation. Dont trust words that dont correspond to actions and beyond actions, always trust patterns.

To end the cycle of attracting partners offering struggle love, learn to:

• Know how true love differs from struggle love.
• Know the many phases of struggle love.
• Understand why people with attachment styles (anxious and avoidant) are attracted to each other and is thus the king of struggle love.
• Choose a love that chooses you.
• Know how to heal after loving a broken person regardless of your gender.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Venesia
• Release date: May 2, 2024
• ISBN: 9798224943968

Book preview

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Copyright © 2024 Venesia Makofane

First edition 2024

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or any information storage or retrieval system without permission from the copyright holder.

The Author has made every effort to trace and acknowledge sources/resources/individuals. In the event that any images/information have been incorrectly attributed or credited, the Author will be pleased to rectify these omissions at the earliest opportunity.

Published by Venesia Makofane using Reach Publishers’ services,

P O Box 1384, Wandsbeck, South Africa, 3631

Edited by Ingrid Olivier for Reach Publishers

Cover designed by Reach Publishers

Website: www.reachpublishers.org

E-mail: [e-mail]

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Venesia Makofane

[e-mail]

Dedication

I dedicate this book to all the women and men who work hard every day to heal their trauma and are better people.

Acknowledgement

To God, I don’t take anything for granted, including Your love and Your consistent protection over me. I am grateful for who I am, what I have and what I receive daily. I am also grateful for my writing and other talents. I love drawing near You, drawing near to Your love, Your embrace and everything that is You. You are my superpower.

To my family, paternal (Makofane and Phala), and maternal (Malapane), thank you for your love. Your support is what keeps me grounded. May healing and forgiveness be our superpower; may it take hold in our hearts where it needs to be because, without it, families fall apart. You are all my family; I choose no sides and I hope that even my ancestors from both sides understand this, too.

To my maternal family, I know and acknowledge that you have played a much bigger role in my life than that of my paternal family. I know that it’s your last name I was supposed to be glorifying publicly but please know that I am and will always be a Malapane. Thank you for raising me with love and care. Mommy, your daughter loves you immensely.

To my friends, and you know who you are, thank you for being my chosen family. Thank you for your love and support. I pray that our bond continues to grow.

To my supporters, the people buying my books, I am nothing without you. Please continue showing your love, which is what motivates and inspires me to write more. Love and light to you all.

To the team at Reach Publishers, thank you for being part of the creation of another beautiful book. This is my third book and I’m proud to walk this journey of self-publishing with you once again. I am a proud wordsmith and I live for this. It isn’t my career but my life. It’s who I am, not what I do. For me, writing is freedom, love, bravery and an expression of life and love in my own voice. Writing has the power to lift me out of depression because it makes me feel good. My laptop will never reject my voice and self-expression. My paper will never reject my pen.

Last but not least, thank you to the special people whose stories you have allowed me to publish. I love you guys because my books would be dull without your contributions. I don’t pay for these stories, yet you still share. We all learn, grow, and most importantly, we all find healing. Your trust in me to deliver your stories with dignity and respect using my God-given writing talent has beautified my world. I love you all and hope my advice helps bring you closer to healing, forgiveness and love.

Introduction

This book, Glorified Struggle Love, is a tell-all that will hit a raw nerve. I did not write it with the intention of insulting or belittling men. It’s not about personality or character faults, nor is it a book that criticises the shortcomings of our men. I wrote it to explain what struggle love is and the behaviours and tendencies of men that turn a good love story into one that’s filled with struggle.

Sometimes, men aren’t even aware of the amount of struggle love they feed us; to them it might seem normal to cheat and deceive because they’ve been taught that it’s allowed. Funny how many of us are accustomed to normalising struggle love. These are relationships full of continued pain and infidelity. In a nutshell, we have been taught to normalise and glorify a love that’s simply termed as struggle love.

You will notice certain similarities in my books; that’s because they overlap in places, though they don’t convey the same messages. They all touch on co-dependency and toxicity, and how they affect us, but in this particular book, the focus is on how women are affected by building men. It’s about why it’s not right for women to be expected to nurture men who constantly break them.

Many of us have been in relationships where we struggled a great deal before being glorified as the chosen one, the one who wins the man. We struggle first and the reward becomes the ring. People excuse how deeply invested they are in their struggle love, choosing to stay together rather than to leave. I am totally against love that forces me to struggle first before I am the chosen one.

I believe that most of us have been caught up in co-dependent relationships. When we are emotionally invested, we make excuses to justify our struggle love. I remember my own struggle love with a certified player. In fact, I have been in more than one relationship in which I struggled for either reciprocation of my efforts, or there’d be one issue after another. I forgave cheating only for him to leave that girl for another one.

It’s easy to get trapped in a struggle love because when it’s good it feels like it makes up for the times we were broken and emotionally bruised at the hands of our partner. This person who hurts you the most becomes the very same person to whom you run for comfort. They hurt you, they demean you, they cheat on you, and they promise not to do it again. Some men even go as far as abusing you physically and then apologising with gifts.

Struggle love, which is noted as worthy simply because it is hidden behind the words, She has stood by me through everything I put her through, but she is still here, should never be celebrated. We should learn to walk away from these men. The question is, why do we stay?

It is hard to leave. When you have normalised the pain, been brainwashed into believing that love hurts, or that nothing good comes easy, we tend to stay. We put up with everything, because to us it is normal. As a woman who was once a girl, I know just how much our elders influenced us into believing that struggle love is the way to go, that men are supposed to go around cheating and you have to keep quiet.

They say men can do as they please. Men can go as they please. Men are not to be questioned. Men are never wrong. They can gallivant after buying the groceries and giving you money for the household and you have to respect their time with other women. These are men who grew up in dysfunctional relationships, and who believe that this is the way to prove their masculinity. What we were taught, though, is wrong. A woman has feelings. She is not a robot. We deserve to be cared for.

In order to end the cycle of a Glorified Struggle Love in your life, you have to:

1. Know how true love differs from struggle love.

2. Know the many phases of struggle love.

3. Understand why anxious and avoidant people are attracted to each other, a pairing that is the king of struggle love.

4. Choose a love that chooses you.

5. Know how to heal after loving a broken person, whether you’re a man or a woman.

This five-part book will help you understand the woman you are, and why you attract the men you meet in your life, who are mostly identical to each other, and sometimes even identical to your parent. You don’t have to complicate it. It will help you identify that you’re being badly treated; it will help you make the decision to leave your abusive partner by illustrating the phases in a struggle relationship, and it will show you how to choose a love that chooses you. One thing to remember: before you expect that love to come from your partner, you have to find it within you. Don’t leave an abusive relationship only to rush into another. Stop the cycle. Stop the repetitive pattern by allowing yourself space to heal. Focus on self-love.

Part One

Know How True Love Differs from Struggle Love

What love is, and what love isn’t:

Love is not unsure. Love is not cancelled plans. Love is not one-sided efforts. Love is not convenience. Love is not begging someone for reciprocation. Love is not selfish. Love isn’t now that I don’t have much happening and I’m bored, can I be with you for tonight? Love is not always busy, it finds time. I have grown so much emotionally, spiritually and mentally, that I now know what love looks like. I know how valuable my heart is. It is priceless. Love is being made first priority without expecting to be the only priority. Love is given willingly. Love is when the receiver also wants to be the giver because they want to reciprocate the happiness and joy that comes with being on the receiving end. Love is security. Love is having a friend and a companion. Love is having a sounding board, an advisor, and a cuddle buddy through good times and bad. Love is mutual respect. Love is vulnerability. Love is giving someone a map of all your flaws and imperfections, knowing they won’t be perceived as weaknesses. Love is giving away your power and having faith that your power won’t be abused. Love is dreaming and growing together. Love is the willingness to understand your partner’s love language and speaking it in the way they understand; it’s knowing what makes them happy and sad. Love is healthy communication, healthy compromises and sacrifices. Love is equality. We put in equal efforts to grow, to learn, to create, to love, to respect and to care and lay all bare. Love is patience. Love is fixing what is broken or agreeing to disagree. Love is the mornings we spend smiling at each other; laughing until we cry at our ‘not so funny’ jokes that somehow make sense to us. Love is whole. It is him driving all the way from home just to fall asleep in my arms. It is when I am sick, and he shows up for me; it’s when he knows I’ll always show up for him in all situations. It is an offering of assurance and truth. Love is certainty and stability. Love is declaration, dedication and true commitment. It isn’t built on empty promises. It isn’t bred from hurt, and pain and heartache. It isn’t confused. It is born from a sense of choice. Love is felt through presence. Love is maturity. Love is saying, I know there are many other people, but I want and need you, not them. Love is a commitment, not just a feeling, and it makes the world beautiful. Love is peace. Love is kindness. Love is being around because you want to be around, not because you’re forced or convinced. Love looks and feels like liberation. Love is soft. Love is nurturing. Love grows. Most importantly, love is truth.

True love has nothing to do with struggle love. True love feels right. It feels like this person just walked into your life and made everything right that was wrong. Not that everything was wrong, but they just came to better your life. Your life feels enhanced. You feel a joy and a peace that’s beautiful and quiet at the same time. They become the calm in the storm. True love will never demand that you change yourself; instead, it allows you to be yourself. True love is committed. When two hearts come together to dwell as one, the goal is always to stay committed. And if you find that you’re both willing to go all the way and keep each other, you’ll do whatever it takes to stay committed.

You start feeling that you chose well, and this person makes you feel blessed. When you chase your dreams, he is your cheerleader; he believes in you so much. This is the person you see possibilities with; a beautiful future that’s bright and lively. When you’re with that person, you feel happy, at peace and somehow emotionally balanced and secure. True love includes consideration, admiration, respect, trust, honesty, care and happiness.

True love requires accountability for mistakes and wrongs done to the other person. There’s no space for ego and pride in true love. It never subjects you to pain, hurt, humiliation and any form of abuse. There is give and take in this relationship. You make sacrifices without losing anything in the process. It is about the wellbeing of the person you love and vice versa. It enforces trust and keeps promises.

True love doesn’t bring burdens into your life, but it makes it easier to share our personal burdens. Love also has nothing to do with luck. It has more to do with choices. Two people who have lived together happily for many years, didn’t rely on luck; they relied on making good choices for their love, and their number one choice was to keep each other. They built a life based on those choices.

They chose to love each other every day. They chose to build together, create a life full of good memories, to treat each other with respect and care, to nurture their love, and if their love needed watering, they watered it. Their grass is greener because of the effort they put into watering it. Most importantly, they don’t question their choices when life gets tough. Love is a building process; how beautifully it turns out depends on how continuously you both build.

Struggle Love, however, is when one person is pulling all the weight. It is evident when he abuses you physically and then apologises. It is suffering his cheating and still putting up with it; believing, him when he says sorry but repeats the same humiliating behaviour. Struggle love is when he finally wakes up one day, after breaking your heart so many times, and decides that because you’ve put up with him, you therefore deserve the title of his wife.

If you think your man is choosing you because he loves you the most, you are going to be disappointed. He is choosing you because you’re his safety net. He knows that when he messes up, you’re always there to pick up the pieces and