I met my first husband in high school. At the time, I was broken. I didn't have a super traumatic childhood like some people, but I was definitely lacking love and attention and seeking approval from the wrong crowd as a result. I also really, really cared about people. Their pain was my pain. Even if it was a conversation with a stranger sitting next to me on a train. For that hour-long ride, I would listen as they told me about their sister dying. Or the woman I just met in the waiting room telling me about her husband fighting a war in a foreign land. My heart hurt for them. And that’s okay. Some people believe this would be a sign of codependency. And maybe it is. But it’s nothing I would choose to change about myself. I love that God gave me the gift of empathy and compassion for others. Listening to someone who has the courage to be vulnerable with a total stranger is a privilege that should be honored. And my guess, sweet listener, is that you have that gift too. You are the kind of woman who feels other people’s pain. Who is willing to really listen. So how do we make sure this gift of compassion for others is not used in a harmful way? How do we listen and love without getting hurt? Our gift of compassion and empathy can sometimes harm us when we get confused and think that our healing will come from healing someone else. Trying to take away someone else's pain doesn't take away our own. It doesn't work like that, does it? Because what happens if they never heal? Or what happens if they do? We, the caretakers, are still left in the same empty and sometimes lonely place we started. Because we neglected ourselves. We use our greatest gift of empathy and compassion for everyone but ourselves. We excuse everyone else’s mistakes and behaviors but our own. When our friends gain weight we tell them they still look beautiful. But how often do we tell ourselves that we’re beautiful? When other moms are upset their children made a poor choice, how often do we assure them they are doing a great job, but we beat ourselves up when our kids make mistakes? You see where I’m going with this? The problem can be that when we love and encourage others, we forget to love and encourage ourselves. So, my sweet, wonderful listener, I’m here to love and encourage you by reminding you that you are precious. You are beautiful. You have gifts to offer. And I’m also here as someone who has been very guilty of this, to remind you to be your biggest fan. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Choose to love and nurture you. You are not being prideful. And anyone that says that loving yourself is wrong isn’t living with addiction. This disease can bring you down. Fast. Women who love alcoholics or substance abusers don’t suffer from pride. We’re the opposite. We suffer from never feeling good enough. Let’s make a promise to each other. Let’s sit in that waiting room or train ride and before we give away our special gift of compassion, make sure we have given it to ourselves first. Are you being too hard on yourself? Are you beating yourself up for not being good enough? Take a moment today to love yourself while loving an alcoholic. If you found this helpful, we have three courses that could change your life (and your relationship) PLUS a Secret Facebook Group filled with women just like you (so you will never feel lonely again). Click here to learn more.